As an AS female I can only talk to guys online

[LikeyouToMe]

Hadassah hun, I really doubt that your ex took everything beautiful away from you.

You aren't sitting by a letting things just go to crap, you are reaching out and talking to people and trying to figure things out, instead of just letting it all go to crap and complaining that you have lost everything and cursing your ex and the rest of the world.

Keep your beautiful head up high, keep your hopes up and never stop looking for answers because none of us know what is out there just try to stop second guessing when it will happen, because it will at some point.

 

[Hadassah]

@likeyoutome Thank you so much! :happy: That was very encouraging. I guess I should just believe that good things can happen to me too! I wish something or someone or whatever could invalidate the namecalling and ridicule from my past (being bullied, my father and that ex -history sadly repeating itself on and on again). I guess I'm on my way there. I have friends now that tell me different, for about 6 years now (ever since I found a church to go to and finally made friends). Some small experiences with males that think I'm beautiful just the way I am (and it doesn't have to be every male, I just want something that's mine and that I won't feel unappreciated). But in the end I always second guess even the good things! What the hell is wrong with me?

 

[LikeyouToMe]

@likeyoutome Thank you so much! :happy: That was very encouraging. I guess I should just believe that good things can happen to me too! I wish something or someone or whatever could invalidate the namecalling and ridicule from my past (being bullied, my father and that ex -history sadly repeating itself on and on again). I guess I'm on my way there. I have friends now that tell me different, for about 6 years now (ever since I found a church to go to and finally made friends). Some small experiences with males that think I'm beautiful just the way I am (and it doesn't have to be every male, I just want something that's mine and that I won't feel unappreciated). But in the end I always second guess even the good things! What the hell is wrong with me?

I think when people like us that have AS, depression, anxiety and such, we second guess everything we do because we are kinda wired to think that way, but nothing is really permanent. We can change things and make our own lives easier... not that this is ****ing easy by any stretch of the imagination but like everything in life, if you don't work at something, you don't really have a right to complain (not saying you are complaining, but you know what I mean)

I'm always about here, you can always come and have a chat Sending love

 

[Hadassah]

I think when people like us that have AS, depression, anxiety and such, we second guess everything we do because we are kinda wired to think that way, but nothing is really permanent. We can change things and make our own lives easier... not that this is ****ing easy by any stretch of the imagination but like everything in life, if you don't work at something, you don't really have a right to complain (not saying you are complaining, but you know what I mean)

I'm always about here, you can always come and have a chat Sending love

Thank you so much! You are very kind and understanding. Why is everyone so nice here? Sniff.

Yes, I'm kind of tired myself of hearing the same record playing in my head over and over again. I'm trying to change this Being here is one of the outcomes of that, I was sooooo afraid to join a forum before and be active, since I was afraid people wouldn't like me or be mean to me. But getting diagnosed with Aspergers (severity still in progress) has been actually a gift for me! Now I know there are others, who get me, yay! <3

 

[Ste11aeres]

Thank you so much! You are very kind and understanding. Why is everyone so nice here? Sniff.

Yes, I'm kind of tired myself of hearing the same record playing in my head over and over again. I'm trying to change this Being here is one of the outcomes of that, I was sooooo afraid to join a forum before and be active, since I was afraid people wouldn't like me or be mean to me. But getting diagnosed with Aspergers (severity still in progress) has been actually a gift for me! Now I know there are others, who get me, yay! <3

You found the right forum! People are nicer here than on most other places on the internet. And I learned so much about AS from the people here, it was the first community of people where I felt I really fit. layfull:

 

[Hadassah]

I'm so scared! I'm crying here at work.. There are new workers here and two of them are these model-looking guys. I freeze everytime I bump into them, I even walked to the kitchen once and then turned and walked away, cause they were there. They probably think I'm a freak and since I don't look like a model they ignore me and the other one looks away every time I come near -they clearly don't like my looks. I feel so nervous I might have to take time off work. Men like that scare the crap out of me and it makes me hate myself. It reminds me of the bullying I endured in school from the popular guys. If I was what they think beautiful (the barbie type) I think they'd make an effort to talk with me or something. In my line of work you don't usually bump into guys like that, which is why I've liked it so far..

I'm so scared and crying.. I don't want to be reminded by some "perfect" guys of how I'm not good enough..

 

[LikeyouToMe]

Hun, no one is "perfect" no matter how good looking hehehe. We all have problems and struggles, just some people are a hell of a lot better at hiding their problems than others.... Guys like us lot are just bloody crap at it hahaha

 

[Hadassah]

Ok, this is kinda silly and off the topic.. There?s this neighbor, who?s a young good looking guy (not my type though) and he?s checking me out and smiling every time when we bump into each other. And I just wanna flee the scene, heh. (And mind you people here in this part of Europe/Scandinavia avoid eye-contact, especially if they don't like someone, so that's why I noticed it). And I just found out that he has this ?barbie girlfriend?, skinny as hell, with fake eyelashes, revealing clothes, bottle blonde, etc. So I was stunned that he has looked at me!! I guess it?s because I have ?something? she doesn?t, lol.. But anyway, that?s like one of those few times I don?t feel like losing to a ?perfect looking girl" who's normal and confident. Something I'm not.

 

[Hadassah]

I hope I didn't sound conceited! :/ It just surprised me he would check me out, since he has a hot girlfriend.. I don't want him and I hope they're happy together! Maybe he just checks everyone out

 

[nonsensical]

@Hadassah, sweetheart, honey, baby! It's quite obvious your perceived self-image inadequacies are blown way out of proportion to reality. Your profile pictures indicate to me that you are, in fact, a severe hotty! What that brings us to is how you project yourself towards others. Of course if you hide from these guys at work, don't say anything to them, or give them reason to believe you're trying to ignore them is going to have the net effect of making them feel you're not a welcoming person and therefore they will also avoid you. We all know here, on this online community that this is not the case about you. However, those guys don't know why you're avoiding them. Just a simple 'hello' with a slight smile as you pass by goes a long way in making guys feel you are a welcoming, sweet girl.

I know it's difficult so start small. Very small. You cannot change your confidence levels overnight, but smiling at a guy and receiving a smile in return will certainly give you the confidence boost you need and make your day!

 

[Hadassah]

@Hadassah, sweetheart, honey, baby! It's quite obvious your perceived self-image inadequacies are blown way out of proportion to reality. Your profile pictures indicate to me that you are, in fact, a severe hotty! What that brings us to is how you project yourself towards others. Of course if you hide from these guys at work, don't say anything to them, or give them reason to believe you're trying to ignore them is going to have the net effect of making them feel you're not a welcoming person and therefore they will also avoid you. We all know here, on this online community that this is not the case about you. However, those guys don't know why you're avoiding them. Just a simple 'hello' with a slight smile as you pass by goes a long way in making guys feel you are a welcoming, sweet girl.

I know it's difficult so start small. Very small. You cannot change your confidence levels overnight, but smiling at a guy and receiving a smile in return will certainly give you the confidence boost you need and make your day!

Omg... You seriously gave me a heart attack.. *blush* But maybe those are just some really good pictures >.<..... But thank you, you are sweet. *runs away and hides*



*comes back* Anyhoo! That jerk ex I've talked about, was saying that I look nice and all online.. But when we met irl, he was clearly dissapointed. He told me where I should get more toned at in my body. The first thing he did when we met the first time, was squeeze my arms and shake his head... It really made me hate my body And after that I've come to believe that my flaws will prevent anyone ever liking me "that way". He was the only guy I ever let close and it was the biggest mistake of my life. That's why I cannot say hi to those guys, I'm sure they want a model-built girl, with the way they themselves look and all.. I just can't

 

[Ste11aeres]

Omg... You seriously gave me a heart attack.. *blush* But maybe those are just some really good pictures >.<..... But thank you, you are sweet. *runs away and hides*



*comes back* Anyhoo! That jerk ex I've talked about, was saying that I look nice and all online.. But when we met irl, he was clearly dissapointed. He told me where I should get more toned at in my body. The first thing he did when we met the first time, was squeeze my arms and shake his head... It really made me hate my body And after that I've come to believe that my flaws will prevent anyone ever liking me "that way". He was the only guy I ever let close and it was the biggest mistake of my life. That's why I cannot say hi to those guys, I'm sure they want a model-built girl, with the way they themselves look and all.. I just can't

That guy really was a jerk.
But with most guys-that is to say guys who are essentially good people, looks are not what's most important. Sure, a gorgeous model will turn their head. But if, after talking to her, they realize her brain is fluff, and her personality is nasty, their attraction for her won't last long. Someone who looks more plain, yet who has a nice personality, will be the person a decent guy will eventually want to commit to. But it only works that way if he gets to know her. If she never talks to him, he won't ever realize how nice her personality really is.
When people care about somebody, they eventually see that person as beautiful even on the physical level. I used to think that my make friend was ugly, but after many months I saw his beauty, even his true physical beauty, because it was as if I could see his soul shine through his face.
As for the guys who are jerks, you don't want them anyway.

 

[Ylva]

How could it make you hate your body? It would have made me hate the guy.

To answer your initial question: most people like me better online. I, in turn, like people best online as well. Even my sister, with whom I am close, is cooler towards me online. Hell, this woman who seemed entirely okay with me being me interacting on the net, was and is the opposite of nice to me whenever we meet. My current hypothesis is that it is simply easier to relax and be oneself that way. I don't usually ascribe people's behaviours to their personality traits, rather to their situations.

As for relationships, I believe them to be overrated. They are not an end in itself – you can't just want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, that's a little objectifying, don't you think? Rather, if you meet someone you like and at some point you decide that you like him well enough to start a romantic relationship with him, and he wants it too, go for it.

 

[nonsensical]

Sure, a gorgeous model will turn their head. But if, after talking to her, they realize her brain is fluff, and her personality is nasty, their attraction for her won't last long. Someone who looks more plain, yet who has a nice personality, will be the person a decent guy will eventually want to commit to.

I agree very much with this sentiment. The 'good guys' always demand more than looks alone. Sure, being pretty is a bonus, but the idea of dating a girl with the mentality of a pinecone doesn't sound like a great time to me. The superficial a**holes out there who care only of physical appearances are nothing more than immature boys with seriously distorted ideals of what women's bodies should look like. There is no reason whatsoever to waste your time trying to appeal to them. In their sad reality, no REAL woman could ever live up to their unrealistic standards.

 

[nonsensical]

Omg... You seriously gave me a heart attack.. *blush* But maybe those are just some really good pictures >.<..... But thank you, you are sweet. *runs away and hides*

haha! I thought it might lighten your mood & cheer up your day.

I'm sure they want a model-built girl, with the way they themselves look and all

I have a guy friend who ALL the girls during high school thought was unbelievably gorgeous. He was the shy artistic type, somewhat effeminate, but really good looking. I could only dream of having his good looks! Anyway, with all the girls practically throwing themselves at him, he never cared one bit. During college, he went on to marry a woman who, if an outsider were to judge, was under his league in appearance. She was more than slightly overweight and not all that attractive. However, she had a huge personality and they found much in common with each other. Neither of them saw physical appearance as a determining factor in their relationship. They are still married to this day with two children. There are men (Even attractive ones) who will notice you for your character. You simply cannot judge a book by it's cover or you could miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime!

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

I find it extremely difficult to meet men via a dating website or to go in person to any place with the intention of meeting men. I found the Meetup website to be very helpful (Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup). Basically, choose some groups that have the same interests as you and go along for socialisation only and anything else is a bonus. If you find yourself in an awkward situation, e.g. you don't like the guy, then you're "just there for the friendship", so it gives you an easy out for a difficult situation that you won't have if you arrange to meet someone from a dating site. The common interests give you a starting point for conversation, so it takes a bit of pressure off there too. You may even find a social anxiety or Asperger's group in your area if you're lucky. Bear in mind that a lot of socially awkward people are using it as a way to meet members of the opposite sex, so you're not alone with your difficulties and I've found a lot of people to be quite understanding and supportive of my limitations. About a month ago I met a very nice man at a Meetup event. He has social difficulties too and exhibits a lot of traits consistent with AS. He'd never heard of it before but has now done some reading and is not sure whether or not he has it at this stage. At least he is open to talking about it so hopefully if problems arise we can work through them successfully. Meanwhile, we have clicked really well and so far, so good.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

*comes back* Anyhoo! That jerk ex I've talked about, was saying that I look nice and all online.. But when we met irl, he was clearly dissapointed. He told me where I should get more toned at in my body. The first thing he did when we met the first time, was squeeze my arms and shake his head... It really made me hate my body And after that I've come to believe that my flaws will prevent anyone ever liking me "that way". He was the only guy I ever let close and it was the biggest mistake of my life. That's why I cannot say hi to those guys, I'm sure they want a model-built girl, with the way they themselves look and all.. I just can't

Kick these guys to the kerb. They're very shallow and don't deserve you. If you ever became disfigured, chronically ill or incapacitated in some way they would be off out the door in a heartbeat. You will probably also find that the very attractive man who is obsessed with his appearance is very vain and continually needs validation, just like very attractive women do. It is not uncommon for them to treat others badly because they can get away with it. Choose someone who looks beyond the physical.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye." - Le Petit Prince, Antoine de Saint Exup?ry

 

[Hadassah]

How could it make you hate your body? It would have made me hate the guy.

To answer your initial question: most people like me better online. I, in turn, like people best online as well. Even my sister, with whom I am close, is cooler towards me online. Hell, this woman who seemed entirely okay with me being me interacting on the net, was and is the opposite of nice to me whenever we meet. My current hypothesis is that it is simply easier to relax and be oneself that way. I don't usually ascribe people's behaviours to their personality traits, rather to their situations.

As for relationships, I believe them to be overrated. They are not an end in itself ? you can't just want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, that's a little objectifying, don't you think? Rather, if you meet someone you like and at some point you decide that you like him well enough to start a romantic relationship with him, and he wants it too, go for it.

It made me hate my body because I believed him. :/ What it he was right, that there _is_ something ugly about my arms and so on.. I?m so freaking insecure (and I?m sure it shows, sorry about that), that small things like that stick with me and I start to believe it too. Didn?t think there was anything wrong with my arms before him, actually.. :/

Yes, I?m sure relationships are overrated. I don?t want a bf just for the sake of it (even though it might sound like it), I just want someone to notice me and like me for who I am, as a woman. I?ve never had that irl. So it's kind of getting to me, can't help it.

I agree very much with this sentiment. The 'good guys' always demand more than looks alone. Sure, being pretty is a bonus, but the idea of dating a girl with the mentality of a pinecone doesn't sound like a great time to me. The superficial a**holes out there who care only of physical appearances are nothing more than immature boys with seriously distorted ideals of what women's bodies should look like. There is no reason whatsoever to waste your time trying to appeal to them. In their sad reality, no REAL woman could ever live up to their unrealistic standards.

Yes, I think you are right. My ex was exactly like that. And the funny thing is, he was older than me! xD And I did realize later, that actually, no woman had ever been good enough for him from what he had told me..

I have a guy friend who ALL the girls during high school thought was unbelievably gorgeous. He was the shy artistic type, somewhat effeminate, but really good looking. I could only dream of having his good looks! Anyway, with all the girls practically throwing themselves at him, he never cared one bit. During college, he went on to marry a woman who, if an outsider were to judge, was under his league in appearance. She was more than slightly overweight and not all that attractive. However, she had a huge personality and they found much in common with each other. Neither of them saw physical appearance as a determining factor in their relationship. They are still married to this day with two children. There are men (Even attractive ones) who will notice you for your character. You simply cannot judge a book by it's cover or you could miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime!

Ok, this did NOT happen, right? I don?t believe you? Just kidding

That one guy I cared about the most 8 years ago was actually like that and many girls were all over him and it kind of got to me, since he lived in another town far away and I was always afraid some girl would ?take him away from me?. But that was very unlikely, because he had autism and was more annoyed by them than anything else. He was actually into very thick girls, lol. I wasn't even as thick as his exes. And imo he could?ve had anyone he wanted. I still can?t believe he liked me.


Very good things going on here, thank you everyone! You have all said some very good points! I feel honored, that you bothered to answer something to my stupid problem.

 

[total-recoil]

My situation is pretty similar to your own except I'm a guy. I did get the bullying at school and my dad used to beat up on me and that eventually led to a huge rift where really I don't contact him any more.
The difference is I already went through what you're going through now and, in actual fact, the nineteen eighties passed me by as I was so stressed trying to work out what had gone wrong. Today, things are very different and my attitude is different. I will now try again to offer some imput but be warned, I'm not at all good at being sympathetic or emotional and tend to stick to the logical analysis of a situation. Here goes:
Like me, you have obviously been ridiculed at school and rejected and this has clearly damaged your self confidence. It seems to me you are trying to find a reason for your relationship issue with these guys and somehow you have pinpointed your looks. I had an aspie best friend who used to swear to me all his problems with girls were due to his nose and his looks and somehow I was never able to change his mind. Personally I suspect you are good looking and attractive but even if you weren't Miss World, trust me it would not have an impact on your love life. I read recently that all the girls at Mick jagger's school used to consider him unattractive yet he's had more female lovers than I drank coffees!
If your bit of extra weight does bother you, give weights a try in the gym basically because it's good for you. Some guys may like the toned muscles and some may not. P.S. I do weights myself but only for my own objectives not to try and attract girls.
I also think it would help you to try and look at all of this from a logical, objective perspective and try and lose your emotions since emotions are deceptive. Your emotions are telling you all sorts of things but logic suggests what is happening here is you've been hurt in the past by negative, jealous people and you are struggling with the typical asperger isolation scenario. There is a lot you need to work out and come to terms with in your past so you can hopefully reconstruct your life for the better.
Now, myself, I just try to be honest with myself and try and look at things externally and objectively. I know I'm not particularly good looking (not saying you aren't as haven't ever met you) and I know my social skills are maybe O.K. for handling some jobs but pretty hopeless for relationships. So, I tend to not let it become as big a drama as it used to be. I work out hard just to stay in basic shape and I stay off too much alcohol. I also focus on my strengths and don't dwell on my shortcomings. Frequently I do get these attacks of isolationism and maybe wish I was just "normal" but think the closeness I have to animals helps a lot as animals tend to love me. And if people want to not hang out with me and so on, really, I shrug it off till I find someone who does.

I'm so scared! I'm crying here at work.. There are new workers here and two of them are these model-looking guys. I freeze everytime I bump into them, I even walked to the kitchen once and then turned and walked away, cause they were there. They probably think I'm a freak and since I don't look like a model they ignore me and the other one looks away every time I come near -they clearly don't like my looks. I feel so nervous I might have to take time off work. Men like that scare the crap out of me and it makes me hate myself. It reminds me of the bullying I endured in school from the popular guys. If I was what they think beautiful (the barbie type) I think they'd make an effort to talk with me or something. In my line of work you don't usually bump into guys like that, which is why I've liked it so far..

I'm so scared and crying.. I don't want to be reminded by some "perfect" guys of how I'm not good enough..

 

[Hadassah]

If your bit of extra weight does bother you, give weights a try in the gym basically because it's good for you. Some guys may like the toned muscles and some may not.

My point is, it _shouldn't matter_ to a real man, if a woman goes to the gym or not! I just don't think there are any men like that anymore.. There was that one guy yes, but we never truly got to be together, since he had issues and me too I mean 50 years ago women were meant to be softer than men and loved for their curves! So I hate it that I was born in to these times! I do work out. Not reached my personal goal yet, but getting there. But actually, I don't want to be all muscles, I want to be soft too