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Xinyta

Xinyta

Seeking myself in a unusual world 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I'm considering getting rid of my videogames entirely, along with any game consoles I've held on to. I feeling like fully removing that component from my life will maybe help with everything else. I am still trying to convince myself to do it.
    View previous comments…
    tree
    tree
    What problem is it that you have identified?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    It involves my self-loathing, which tossing out or playing videogames will not fix.

    I've got deeper problems which involve preconceived notions from childhood. The short version is that my want for a mother evolved into resentment and hate after living with my stepmother. Letting go is the issue.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    So easy to say but hard to do. I suffer from that and l am way old,(meteorite old). I bought a huge sticker that says *Let that Go. And it came with a Buddha sticker also. I have to look at this everyday.
    Xinyta
    I am feeling depressed today. Not severely so, but I can tell I am not feeling all the best.
    Xinyta
    It's amazing how much of a first instinct it is to rely on negative mechanisms one uses to escape/cope. Especailly when you spent 20+ years of your life using them, like myself. It's very hard to deter. However I'm becoming more aware of it.
    Xinyta
    I've come to see that what's easy isn't helping me free myself from my tormented cycle.

    Anything worth doing is going to be hard.

    For my own happiness, it's worth fighting for.
    tree
    tree
    The book, A Guide to Rational Living, mentions a notable non-rational belief that does people no good:

    *I can achieve maximum happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively enjoying myself*

    Realizing that effort may be required is a useful step toward functionality.
    Xinyta
    20231108_114307.jpg


    My most recent drawing of Sadist. No idea if I'll color it or add some more to drawing yet.
    Xinyta
    302048-nature.jpg

    Sometimes we need to be reminded of the beauty of the natural world. It's autumn. Leaves are falling. So many nice colors.
    Xinyta
    How has everyone been fairing? Me? I have been having difficulties still with sudden panic. I have built in alot of self-harming programming to self sabotage with anything life related over a large chunk of my life. Easy daily things up to actual tedious/hard tasks. This does tell me two things. I have GAD. But more importantly, I have a maturity issue both mentally and emotionally.
    Xinyta
    I've spent alot of time getting myself together. And in truth, I have alot of things I do every day that have hampered my ability to better myself. One is a constant expectation for everything to somehow go wrong, then getting yelled at or talked down to for my mistake. I have been taking a look at possibly have GAD again in light of everything. Panic where nothing is happening to cause it.
    Xinyta
    Letting go is not an easy thing, when you put yourself in years of programming. 27 years of it for me. You start to forget why you are in this position to begin with. However, I have begun addressing what I didn't wish to address originally.
    Xinyta
    No matter what life throws at you, mistakes can be fixed. You can move past them. But if you fail yourself, that is damage that lasts a lifetime. NEVER fail yourself.
    Xinyta
    This clip is the embodiment of encountering something both confusing and uncomfortable lol

    Xinyta
    Feeling particularly good tonight. Hanging out eatting some tortilla chips and some of the salsa that my Uncle and I jarred last year. Plus side to that is that we know what's in it and it's garden fresh.
    Xinyta
    For the first time in my life, I took back control from my overwhelmed state. Let pass my negative thoughts, and avoided saying that I can't do it. I just proved that negative belief of not being able to do it wrong. But it's put into perspective how deeply rooted my default habits are. That it's going to take more than I've ever done to override my first instinct.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Sometimes when the negative thoughts over-roaded me, l then reminded myself of a list of my accomplishments. This really helps stop that negative critical voice that we have on the spectrum. There are alot of success stories at this site.
    Gerald Wilgus
    Gerald Wilgus
    BRAVO! Through Cognitive Processing Therapy I came to realize that much of my early dysfunction is the result of negative narratives of myself that I internalized. I had to recognize just how I was being triggered and what the beliefs are that had prevented me from growing past those negative lies. I hope you will replace the negative default habits with a positive view of yourself.
    Xinyta
    I'm not exactly in the best mood today. Getting a reminder AGAIN from my Uncle about how horrible my parents are and how kids of my relatives who are on the spectrum got taken care of better. All that does is make me jealous, reminding me like that.

    Though Idk if I am pissed at my Uncle, or my neglectful parents more.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I am often jealous of people like that too
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Honestly, It makes me think why did I get singled out to have horrible parents? How come I couldn't have caring parents? Why cause me all this suffering? What did I do to deserve it, other than existing?

    Then I think: "why did my bio mom not just abort me? She clearly didn't want me."
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yeah there is so much suffering that seem meaningless. In this world many people experience things they don't deserve. I think of these things as meaningless, and that after death it will all be made right
    Xinyta
    Been having a bit of a rough day today.
    L
    Luca
    Sorry to hear that. I’m here if you need to vent to someone. I hope your day improves
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I appreciate it. Thankfully it not Soul crushingly bad, but I just have some things to figure out.

    Bad habits namely.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    New day. New hope. Hopefully today is better.
    Xinyta
    I have been feeling really great today so far! Completed the first part of the process of making salsa with my Uncle. Now waiting for the pot to heat up, so we can do the second part and jar it.
    Xinyta
    How is everyone today? I am personally doing really good today. Just trying to stay cool. The temp here has been around the 90s recently. It was nearly 100°F yesterday.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    What’s your method for staying cool?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Drinking plenty of water. Staying in the air conditioning if at all possible during the 100°F days.
    Xinyta
    So apparently because I wasn't jumping at the chance to open the door because a UPS guy was there picking up a package my uncle left, it was weird to my Uncle. Apparently he feels that I HAVE to start answering the door to help me be less introverted. Then asked if I understood, like I was a slack jawed idiot, or something.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    I find answering the door extremely difficult. Home is safety place. Everyone feels like an intruder. I’m not sure that learning how to answer the door is an introvert/extrovert thing. It’s perfunctory, and not about socializing for either party.
    L
    Luca
    I usually ignore people knocking on my door unless I’ve invited them over. Packages can be left outside. I’m an extrovert, but I agree that people being in/near my home feels like intrusion, and I will only allow close friends and family inside my home.
    My dogs are also territorial which helps keep people away.
    AdamG
    AdamG
    There's nothing wrong with being introverted. It isn't something you can be trained to outgrow, either.
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