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Xinyta

Xinyta

♤Id driven soul | Broken but not Insane☆ 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I feel something calling inside me. I have been driven once more to listen to these:



    It's like there is this indescribable desire to seek my inner spiritual awakening and be driven to find a home inhabited by my spirit, more than my body. This calling is so much stronger than before.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Two sets of lyrics from Skugge not only echo in my mind, but resonate in my heart.

    Elden tvingar deg or meg (The fire force you from within)

    Svara eig du sjolv (Answers you find within)
    Xinyta
    20240312_111530.jpg


    This is my attempt at drawing a bust image of Dimile. Thinking about adding more and coloring it later.
    Xinyta
    20240311_173727.jpg


    I just did this a moment ago. A quick sketch of what I was mentioning earlier. A rabbit/dragon hybrid. A Ragon(ra-gun). I am naming them Dimile Solhart.

    I know this isn't a clean photo. But I am using my phone to take a picture.
    Xinyta

    It's been sometime since I listened to anything by Disturbed. This is a really good one. It eerily reflects a part of myself I am going to alleviate.

    Though due to recent events. My anger isn't what it was. So maybe I have let go alot more than I thought.
    Xinyta
    I think I have found my full identity spiritually. Something that makes sense. I've always known that dragons are kin to me. But there was a missing piece for a long time. I feel I've found that piece possibly. In the form of the rabbit.

    The mix of instincts, speed, power, wisdom, and just wonderous capabilities overall. Seem to match my overall being.
    Xinyta
    I never understood this before yesterday. I could never hate a person. What I hate, are unfair actions toward me and others. This DOES leave room to forgive my stepmother. How? Because I have separated the person from the actions, in how I am now thinking.

    It's thier actions in my head. Not them.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    Forgiveness is always a struggle. I try and remember intellectually that it is quite rare that people knowingly are mean to each other. It's all horrible ignorance and self-centeredness.
    Xinyta
    We had a scare tonight. My Uncle fell over and had issues getting back up. He's alright now and is in bed. But it's up in the air what happened.
    Xinyta
    The day is has been getting better and better as it's been going on. I'm feeling a increase in spirit that seems to be burning brightly. It's not solely excitement. It's something else. A sense of determination, maybe. A feeling of increased resolve. Feeling like I am getting ready to face my demons head on.
    Xinyta
    I have had a bit of positive reinforcement tonight about my potential to improve and that I have improved alot from almost three years ago.
    Xinyta
    I watched Father Stu with my Uncle. The movie has given me alot to think about after watching it.
    Xinyta
    I have a bit of a dilemma. I have spotty memories with school. And what I do remember, I struggle to pull any feelings I could of felt about it at the time.

    That tells me I was either overwhelmed by everything, or I was already very emotionally disconnected.
    View previous comments…
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    @jsilver256 I'm thinking about any point I've ever gone to school. Primary, Grade School, High School.

    @marc_101 I can't say for sure that I did that. Some memories do have rather strong emotions attached to them, but they aren't school related.
    M
    marc_101
    I meant, maybe there isn't anything wrong with that or was not on purpose; your brain just separated the memory from the emotions
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Maybe the latter happened. But I'd think I would of have an idea of the emotion I felt though. Not being able to identify anything, more so, is what has me wondering.
    NoKipAr on the run
    did you draw that avatar yourself?

    it looks so cool!

    like.....Usagi Generation (or whatever its called ) meets JTHM.
    you into art?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    No. I didn't draw it. It's done by an artist I do check up on occasionally, that goes by the name of gutterbunny. Thier OC generally resonates with me in some ways.

    But yeah. I do like to draw and I have always been fascinated with seeing other's drawings and other art styles. I've not really practiced painting, or anything else, since I got out of high school, though.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I guess I could attribute it to a lack of drive. Though I mean in general with everything, not just art.

    Maybe I just need to try and push more to get back into drawing more frequently. I do miss doing it.
    Xinyta
    I think things are starting to level out for me. I'm not so all over the place, as much. If I am curious, I just look it up. Though I need to keep working at that, and not be not afraid to ask questions, if I am still not sure.
    Xinyta
    I'm at a state of mental and emotional calm tonight. Not emotionless, but relaxed and happy. I think the big discoveries of the past week have put huge holes in my negative thoughts.

    The more that's been found, the more my old way of living feels irrational.
    Xinyta

    This is the song stuck in my head today. Particularly warm sunny days have me hearing this one.
    Xinyta
    The games of the mind are many. But the one that haunts me the most, is abandonment. Loveless and poisoned by my distrust of others. Lost for a long time. Yet I've found some peace.

    Embracing some sense of myself.
    Xinyta
    Waking up today was different. No stress, not feeling like I need to beat myself up for something. Just happiness. Typically I'd feel a little background stress on even my best days. But today thier is nothing.

    Yesterday's release did more than unleash emotions. It's removed the notion to feel under constant anxeity. But, I have more releasing to do.
    Xinyta
    I'm feeling great today. My talk with Dad when he visited yesterday went well. He really regrets not being there for me more. But he wants to try and I do to.
    Xinyta
    I am testing an idea of limiting my usage of my phone. Since a large amount of time is spent on this time waster. So far my mind has been clearer. I've noted things I generally would of never given second thought to, or cared to.

    "Not another day. No more confusion. No more living life to die." - Waking Up by Julien K
    Xinyta
    I saw a episode of Wagon Train today that was about self-blame. Barnaby sees blood on his hand because of a kid he shot in reaction to what he thought he saw as a threat. It turns out the kid was a real troublemaker anyway. The blood on Barnaby's hand was in his head. It couldn't be seen by anyone else.
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