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Xinyta

Xinyta

Seeking myself in a unusual world 35 From Illinois
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Viewing thread If you were honest with yourselves, how many of you hate having this condition?
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  • Xinyta
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    A new character I made. No name for her yet.
    View previous comments…
    Tired
    Tired
    Reminds me a bit of Morrigan from Dragon age :)
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Oh my god XD

    I can totally see that. I actually didn't think about initially. I guess I know where I got a little of influence from in making this one.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Just want to say a thought of a name.

    Dimile
    Xinyta
    Feeling okay mentality today. Just unmotivated to do much due to waking up with a headache and feeling generally groggy this morning.
    kriss72
    kriss72
    Sound like you either had a bad sleep, or you are going down with something - I hope you will feel better as the day progresses...
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    No. I don't feel sick, nor do I think I am. Though I think I know what happened to put it on. A mix of Dehydration, Sleep being not great lately, and the fact that I had a beer two hours before bedtime.
    kriss72
    kriss72
    Sounds like that could explain it :)
    Xinyta
    I'm starting to really hate my own brain. Once negative thoughts start, it just never stops. I feel trapped by my own self-doubt and self-loathing.
    kriss72
    kriss72
    I know it's hard to break out of a spiral like that - I hope your brain will find a new topic soon, one that isn't being unfair to itself :)
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I understand and i am here if you want to talk.
    M
    Misty Avich
    I've hated my brain since I was 8 years old
    Xinyta
    Ever since I watched a video on 'Slay the Princess', a game. I have been thinking about little else but that, and the existential journey I went through as I watched it. That sounds weird, I know.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Not weird at all. I have also experienced something like this
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I guess I should clarify. I didn't expect a game about killing a princess would turn into a existential journey. With a number of interactions and ways to determine the direction of the story.

    My favorite is the one that results in the path that involves the Nightmare Princess. From aesthetics, to the greater meaning of that path.
    Xinyta
    I only perceive poison in everything. But it's not bitterness in the world. It's bitterness in myself for accepting these lies, as truth. I, long ago, shackled myself in selfishness. Yet was blind to it all, like a ignorant bug willingly flying into the web of a spider. As time marched on, so past by my chances to be a person. It's a distant flicker now. An abyss between us.
    S
    Slime_Punk
    If I understand this correctly, I think learning from past mistakes means growth is taking place, and that can never be a bad thing :)
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    If there is a still a flicker,
    there is hope for a flame.

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    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I do recognize the changes happening. Though I still feel trapped in someway yet. It's strange though that the only way I can express how I actually feel is only in this poetic wording, if you could call it poetic.

    It doesn't help though that I had a beer 30 minutes before bed and stayed up till 2:00am practically.
    Xinyta
    I've updated the look of Azeth. This is a bit more fitting.

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    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    In some sense Azeth is me, yes. Though it's strictly in spirit. My physical is obviously different.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    To put it another way. Azeth is a fantasized/idealized version of myself. I may share a similar physique with my OC, but not much else. I guess they are my feeling of gender fluidity.
    Xinyta
    Even if you don't celebrate, find something that makes you happy. Find something that brings you hope. If you hold on to that. The new year can bring new life to your desires.
    Xinyta
    I'm considering getting rid of my videogames entirely, along with any game consoles I've held on to. I feeling like fully removing that component from my life will maybe help with everything else. I am still trying to convince myself to do it.
    View previous comments…
    tree
    tree
    What problem is it that you have identified?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    It involves my self-loathing, which tossing out or playing videogames will not fix.

    I've got deeper problems which involve preconceived notions from childhood. The short version is that my want for a mother evolved into resentment and hate after living with my stepmother. Letting go is the issue.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    So easy to say but hard to do. I suffer from that and l am way old,(meteorite old). I bought a huge sticker that says *Let that Go. And it came with a Buddha sticker also. I have to look at this everyday.
    Xinyta
    I am feeling depressed today. Not severely so, but I can tell I am not feeling all the best.
    Xinyta
    It's amazing how much of a first instinct it is to rely on negative mechanisms one uses to escape/cope. Especailly when you spent 20+ years of your life using them, like myself. It's very hard to deter. However I'm becoming more aware of it.
    Xinyta
    I've come to see that what's easy isn't helping me free myself from my tormented cycle.

    Anything worth doing is going to be hard.

    For my own happiness, it's worth fighting for.
    tree
    tree
    The book, A Guide to Rational Living, mentions a notable non-rational belief that does people no good:

    *I can achieve maximum happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively enjoying myself*

    Realizing that effort may be required is a useful step toward functionality.
    Xinyta
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    My most recent drawing of Sadist. No idea if I'll color it or add some more to drawing yet.
    Xinyta
    302048-nature.jpg

    Sometimes we need to be reminded of the beauty of the natural world. It's autumn. Leaves are falling. So many nice colors.
    Xinyta
    How has everyone been fairing? Me? I have been having difficulties still with sudden panic. I have built in alot of self-harming programming to self sabotage with anything life related over a large chunk of my life. Easy daily things up to actual tedious/hard tasks. This does tell me two things. I have GAD. But more importantly, I have a maturity issue both mentally and emotionally.
    Xinyta
    I've spent alot of time getting myself together. And in truth, I have alot of things I do every day that have hampered my ability to better myself. One is a constant expectation for everything to somehow go wrong, then getting yelled at or talked down to for my mistake. I have been taking a look at possibly have GAD again in light of everything. Panic where nothing is happening to cause it.
    Xinyta
    Letting go is not an easy thing, when you put yourself in years of programming. 27 years of it for me. You start to forget why you are in this position to begin with. However, I have begun addressing what I didn't wish to address originally.
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