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Xinyta

Xinyta

♤Id driven soul | Broken but not Insane☆ 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I'm feeling good about myself still. Plenty to work on, but it's not as hard. Still difficult, but not the choir I made it out to be.
    Xinyta
    Well today has been a great day. I have been more on top of things today than I've been in some time. I also had some really good food. A variation on spaghetti and meatballs with different pasta noodles. Also, my Uncle and I had some if the cake I made the day before. It was very good and I'm pleased it came out well. We also had ice cream with the cake.
    Xinyta
    Maybe I have more confidence than before, but I am more and more feeling like I can do this. That the feeling I have more control than before.

    The fact that I could "I can do it" in response to if I could overcome my old thoughts.
    Xinyta
    Now that I see what needs to be done. I now have a whole world of fixes that need to be done. One at a time.
    Xinyta
    My non-existent sense of identity is something I now am starting to get. I am trying to be something I'm not. And amalgamation of traits I took from others, are part of a mismatched puzzle I cannot complete.
    View previous comments…
    T
    thejuice
    What makes you do that?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Fear does. Old fears and a built up habit, turned instinct, to hide from anything, once it happens. Giving time for something to build up a negative in my head, causes overwhelm. Both people and tasks are this way.

    Removing the time to think about it, seems to mitigate it.
    T
    thejuice
    That's exactly what I'm going through right now to be honest. I'm playing dead in bed to avoid everything. A stubborn refusal to face the world.
    Xinyta
    I feel, for once, I have some semblance of peace. I am not feeling anxiety. I'm not feeling depression. I am not feeling completely worthless.
    Xinyta
    I watched The Accountant tonight. I am floored by how good it is. And the main character Chistopher Wolf, is a High Funtioning Autistic. I personally feel like I could relate to alot of his behaviors and habits.
    tree
    tree
    Saw this a couple nights ago. Enjoyed his flat affect delivery. And the scene of the farm family, him coming up with loop holes for them, was great.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I have to agree. Ben Affleck did a good job with portraying those aspects. In fact, I do feel that the movie in general give a better representation of ASD, since it's not just limited to Christopher Wolf. But shows others with varying severity and behaviors.

    Though the father making the choice to expose Christopher to more of what would trigger his Autism, than trying to reduce it, is a interesting approach.
    Xinyta

    This made my night. It's a parody of the phonecall scene from the Mandela Catalog analog horror series.
    Xinyta

    This holds a great meaning that involves self-worth and caring for others. Anything worth something in your heart, is worth fighting for.

    Loved ones
    Goals
    Dreams

    Anything from a place of passion is more powerful than what can be fathomed.
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    Great values expressed in the movies. Absolutely love how it's worth fighting for letting hell be a safe place.
    Xinyta
    I need to meditate on some findings. I am starting to understand some of things my Uncle says all the time.

    I have a issue with electronics. More specifically, being alone while watching tv, on my phone, or gaming. I have done that for a long time, and it seems to make me backslide when I do it.
    View previous comments…
    T
    thejuice
    Could be a mixture of trauma and managing autism symptoms? I only say that because I do what you do and believe mine to be mostly the second reason.

    I found traditional therapy ineffective. When id talk about needing to wear an eye mask and headphones to shut out the world so I wouldn't combust, they'd look at me confused, sceptically.

    I'm still knee deep in the mire of addiction.
    T
    thejuice
    @jsilver256 what's seems a contradiction is reaching for the most stimulating thing In modern culture when we're over stimulated. Maybe it's the familiarity of it, but a phone only makes things worse.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    I guess it depends on what you mean by stimulating. I play Sudoku or Kenken on a tiny screen and shut out everything else around me. No sound or anything.
    Xinyta
    I watched the movie Captains Couragous. It has me thinking alot about people. That there are good people in the world that just want to make a living. Have families. And have common goals. That believe on way or another in God.

    Also it's a story about maturing as a person.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    I looked it up on Amazon. I will read the book. Thanks for the recommendation.
    Xinyta
    I am realizing how prone to rumination and internalizing I am. Especially when I don't sleep well. That just compounds the rumination more.

    I am doing good today though. I even woke up feeling good and ready for the day.
    T
    thejuice
    They say a creatively engaging activity can stop rumination.. something where you're not just going through the motions
    Xinyta
    I've had alot to think about today.

    My stepmother. My behaviors. My habits.

    It's all going to have to be delt with. Though. I think it's more going to be about allowing myself change, from the hermit I've been for a long time. This has been the hardest thing for me.
    Xinyta
    Gasoline is such a overwhelming smell. Me and my Uncle had to fill a gas container for running the lawnmower and other equipment. Handing the stuff sucks, because it gets on your hands and takes a while to fade. Even after washing them.
    Xinyta
    Had a busy day at my neighbor's place. Creating a trellis for the gourds he wants to grow, removing the blown engine from a old tiller, and fixing the panels on the garage door.

    These hands were in oil, gas, dirt, and other materials, for about 3 hours or so. So it's been a productive day.
    Xinyta
    Today was a good day. Watched basketball, since today is the first day of March Madness.

    The only thing that sucks is that arms and back started hurting this afternoon from the work in the garden yesterday. Having to move around a heavy tiller.
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