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Xinyta

Xinyta

♤Id driven soul | Broken but not Insane☆ 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta

    You know. It's eerie how much this song matches everything that mentally happened to me. I'm starting to really think that I have been subconsciously telling myself something, through my music selections, for a long time.
    Xinyta
    I've read it here plenty of times. I've been told this plenty of times by my Uncle. I have to let go.

    I need to disconnect thought and emotion away from my past and my so called 'parents', fully. I only feed the nightmare before me, by lingering.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    The only way I've been able to move on from stuff is to find something new to fill the void.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    That's going to be hard. But so has everything up to this point. I will need to put some kind of conserted effort into hobbies or something.

    Though stopping my self-sabotage with trying to, needs to be fixed first.
    Xinyta

    This never fails to make me laugh.

    God. It's been awhile since I watched Futurama.
    Xinyta
    My day has been pretty good so far. Started walking again recently, and did it today early after I woke up. Helped my Uncle put some soup together, did a bit of yard clean up, and went to the post office.

    No serious problems, so far. Not feeling negative in the slightest.
    Xinyta
    Happiness is a hard thing to come by for me. But I have found that there is nothing to hate myself for either. Once I strip away all my immature justifications to try and hate myself, it seems nothing is close to as horrible as I've made it.

    I have nothing stopping me but me, at this point. Now what am I going to do about that?
    Xinyta
    I grow increasing frustrated with my issues. Namely because I am now far more aware of how much I allow my trauma to impair my capability to live. Yet I continue like nothing will change and I KNOW I'm doing it.

    Now I am left asking questions that I NEED to answer for the good of my health and sanity.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    You cut out caffeine, I can't even do that lol. Don't underestimate yourself. You have no debt, no (drug) addictions, etc. That puts you ahead a lot of people. The only feedback I'd have is that you balance out what you want for the future with dealing with your past trauma. I feel like I'm getting to know the past Xinyta, but I want to know the future Xinyta too.
    Xinyta
    I'm 35 years old. 35. Yet I allow a worthless humanbeing of a stepmother and absentee father rule how I live my life. Not even them in person doing it. Thier presence is in my head. My own psychosis. I wait for parents who will NEVER change, and expect answers from them. Ones they will not give.
    Xinyta
    20240508_214605.jpg

    20240508_214652.jpg


    These are two bookmarks I own. One was made by a professional furry artist(anthro tigress). The other(human fluttershy) was from a friend my ex-roommate, from my time on my own, knew.

    The human fluttershy one is being used for my recently purchased Unmasking Autism book.
    Xinyta
    I'm feeling good about myself still. Plenty to work on, but it's not as hard. Still difficult, but not the choir I made it out to be.
    Xinyta
    Well today has been a great day. I have been more on top of things today than I've been in some time. I also had some really good food. A variation on spaghetti and meatballs with different pasta noodles. Also, my Uncle and I had some if the cake I made the day before. It was very good and I'm pleased it came out well. We also had ice cream with the cake.
    Xinyta
    Maybe I have more confidence than before, but I am more and more feeling like I can do this. That the feeling I have more control than before.

    The fact that I could "I can do it" in response to if I could overcome my old thoughts.
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