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Xinyta

Xinyta

♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I'm at a state of mental and emotional calm tonight. Not emotionless, but relaxed and happy. I think the big discoveries of the past week have put huge holes in my negative thoughts.

    The more that's been found, the more my old way of living feels irrational.
    Xinyta

    This is the song stuck in my head today. Particularly warm sunny days have me hearing this one.
    Xinyta
    The games of the mind are many. But the one that haunts me the most, is abandonment. Loveless and poisoned by my distrust of others. Lost for a long time. Yet I've found some peace.

    Embracing some sense of myself.
    Xinyta
    Waking up today was different. No stress, not feeling like I need to beat myself up for something. Just happiness. Typically I'd feel a little background stress on even my best days. But today thier is nothing.

    Yesterday's release did more than unleash emotions. It's removed the notion to feel under constant anxeity. But, I have more releasing to do.
    Xinyta
    I'm feeling great today. My talk with Dad when he visited yesterday went well. He really regrets not being there for me more. But he wants to try and I do to.
    Xinyta
    I am testing an idea of limiting my usage of my phone. Since a large amount of time is spent on this time waster. So far my mind has been clearer. I've noted things I generally would of never given second thought to, or cared to.

    "Not another day. No more confusion. No more living life to die." - Waking Up by Julien K
    Xinyta
    I saw a episode of Wagon Train today that was about self-blame. Barnaby sees blood on his hand because of a kid he shot in reaction to what he thought he saw as a threat. It turns out the kid was a real troublemaker anyway. The blood on Barnaby's hand was in his head. It couldn't be seen by anyone else.
    Xinyta

    This remix of Julien K's song 'Waking Up', is just wonderful. Also, this is the first time I listened to the lyrics really closely. The message of the song is all about breaking free of negative cycles.

    This song was pretty close to me before, but now I feel like it is resonant to the journey I'm on right now.
    Xinyta

    I've had this in my head alot today. This has helped define what my psychosis feels like. This song's somber, almost numb, tone is how I feel when I spiral mentally.
    Xinyta
    I have something on my mind that I really haven't thought about in a long time. I feel like doing some artwork of it. But whether I will or not, is up in the air.
    Xinyta
    We got 5-6 inches of snow yesterday. The forecast was only for 2 inches. It's 23°F out currently. For you folks that use celsius, it's -5°C.
    Xinyta
    You know. This is going to be morbid, but thinking about it. There are plenty of times in my life where I, by all rights, should of been dead. But that also puts in perspective how strong my will is. My stepmother may of broke me in alot of ways. But my spirit couldn't be extinguished. It's the one thing she had no power over. I'm alive and there is nothing she can do about it.
    Xinyta

    I've been coming back to this song lately. It just feels like the epitome of how I feel, overcoming this psychological stuff.
    Misery
    Misery
    Iji, now there's something I hadnt heard of in a long time
    Xinyta
    Superbowl went better than expected. More so because of the fact that my Dad came over and it went well. Our neighbor also came over to visit too. I have alot to think about right now. Post later about it.
    Xinyta
    I have been thinking about something that I am not sure how to bring up in words. Maybe once the superbowl stuff dies down, I'll make a post on it.
    Xinyta

    Sonic Adventure nostalgia here. I think this is part of something I miss about gaming. Something that feels like a fading memory. Actual enjoyment in the gaming medium.
    Xinyta
    My mental state hasn't been the best the past two days. But I do feel I have a bit more control over how much it overwhelms my being. I definitely haven't behaved anywhere as bad as I use to.
    Xinyta
    I've got some things to think about for tomorrow. With Super Bowl coming up, my Uncle has a few things he wants lined up for food. Wings, Chilli and Egg Rolls will be the main things. So it will be busy day.
    Xinyta
    The morning has started in a odd way today. Waking up with a headache and with the feeling of one my nasal cavities being blocked up. Both have gone away now.
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