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Xinyta

Xinyta

♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I have had a bit of positive reinforcement tonight about my potential to improve and that I have improved alot from almost three years ago.
    Xinyta
    I watched Father Stu with my Uncle. The movie has given me alot to think about after watching it.
    Xinyta
    I have a bit of a dilemma. I have spotty memories with school. And what I do remember, I struggle to pull any feelings I could of felt about it at the time.

    That tells me I was either overwhelmed by everything, or I was already very emotionally disconnected.
    View previous comments…
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    @jsilver256 I'm thinking about any point I've ever gone to school. Primary, Grade School, High School.

    @marc_101 I can't say for sure that I did that. Some memories do have rather strong emotions attached to them, but they aren't school related.
    M
    marc_101
    I meant, maybe there isn't anything wrong with that or was not on purpose; your brain just separated the memory from the emotions
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Maybe the latter happened. But I'd think I would of have an idea of the emotion I felt though. Not being able to identify anything, more so, is what has me wondering.
    NoKipAr on the run
    did you draw that avatar yourself?

    it looks so cool!

    like.....Usagi Generation (or whatever its called ) meets JTHM.
    you into art?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    No. I didn't draw it. It's done by an artist I do check up on occasionally, that goes by the name of gutterbunny. Thier OC generally resonates with me in some ways.

    But yeah. I do like to draw and I have always been fascinated with seeing other's drawings and other art styles. I've not really practiced painting, or anything else, since I got out of high school, though.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I guess I could attribute it to a lack of drive. Though I mean in general with everything, not just art.

    Maybe I just need to try and push more to get back into drawing more frequently. I do miss doing it.
    Xinyta
    I think things are starting to level out for me. I'm not so all over the place, as much. If I am curious, I just look it up. Though I need to keep working at that, and not be not afraid to ask questions, if I am still not sure.
    Xinyta
    I'm at a state of mental and emotional calm tonight. Not emotionless, but relaxed and happy. I think the big discoveries of the past week have put huge holes in my negative thoughts.

    The more that's been found, the more my old way of living feels irrational.
    Xinyta

    This is the song stuck in my head today. Particularly warm sunny days have me hearing this one.
    Xinyta
    The games of the mind are many. But the one that haunts me the most, is abandonment. Loveless and poisoned by my distrust of others. Lost for a long time. Yet I've found some peace.

    Embracing some sense of myself.
    Xinyta
    Waking up today was different. No stress, not feeling like I need to beat myself up for something. Just happiness. Typically I'd feel a little background stress on even my best days. But today thier is nothing.

    Yesterday's release did more than unleash emotions. It's removed the notion to feel under constant anxeity. But, I have more releasing to do.
    Xinyta
    I'm feeling great today. My talk with Dad when he visited yesterday went well. He really regrets not being there for me more. But he wants to try and I do to.
    Xinyta
    I am testing an idea of limiting my usage of my phone. Since a large amount of time is spent on this time waster. So far my mind has been clearer. I've noted things I generally would of never given second thought to, or cared to.

    "Not another day. No more confusion. No more living life to die." - Waking Up by Julien K
    Xinyta
    I saw a episode of Wagon Train today that was about self-blame. Barnaby sees blood on his hand because of a kid he shot in reaction to what he thought he saw as a threat. It turns out the kid was a real troublemaker anyway. The blood on Barnaby's hand was in his head. It couldn't be seen by anyone else.
    Xinyta

    This remix of Julien K's song 'Waking Up', is just wonderful. Also, this is the first time I listened to the lyrics really closely. The message of the song is all about breaking free of negative cycles.

    This song was pretty close to me before, but now I feel like it is resonant to the journey I'm on right now.
    Xinyta

    I've had this in my head alot today. This has helped define what my psychosis feels like. This song's somber, almost numb, tone is how I feel when I spiral mentally.
    Xinyta
    I have something on my mind that I really haven't thought about in a long time. I feel like doing some artwork of it. But whether I will or not, is up in the air.
    Xinyta
    We got 5-6 inches of snow yesterday. The forecast was only for 2 inches. It's 23°F out currently. For you folks that use celsius, it's -5°C.
    Xinyta
    You know. This is going to be morbid, but thinking about it. There are plenty of times in my life where I, by all rights, should of been dead. But that also puts in perspective how strong my will is. My stepmother may of broke me in alot of ways. But my spirit couldn't be extinguished. It's the one thing she had no power over. I'm alive and there is nothing she can do about it.
    Xinyta

    I've been coming back to this song lately. It just feels like the epitome of how I feel, overcoming this psychological stuff.
    Misery
    Misery
    Iji, now there's something I hadnt heard of in a long time
    Xinyta
    Superbowl went better than expected. More so because of the fact that my Dad came over and it went well. Our neighbor also came over to visit too. I have alot to think about right now. Post later about it.
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