I refer to myself as an atheist only because I have a difficult time with the word "god". To me, a god is something you bow down to and worship. Also, I was raised in a Christian church and was told in one breath that god was all-loving and merciful, and in the next breath that
HE would damn us to hell eternally if we did not
OBEY HIM. I could not believe in an all-powerful, male entity that needed constant praise and was less forgiving than I am.
For me, it was the religious people, along with logic, which tore away my belief in a god. Religious people have been the cruelest, most hypocritical people I have ever met. All the physical, sexual, and mental abuse in my childhood was inflicted on me by those who called themselves a Christian. However, spiritual people have been some of the kindest, most loving people I've ever known.
I do believe we are all a part of something much larger than ourselves, I just cannot call that "God" due to the numerous traumas in my past. That's why I identify with atheism. That said, atheist do not share many of my beliefs, only the belief that there is no "
God." In fact, I've actually debated the existence of certain phenomena with a couple of atheists. It seems that even though they can believe in known energies, they cannot believe that other types of as yet unknown/unproven energies exist.
I also cannot refer to myself as agnostic as I have no doubt that certain things exist. I don't know if there is a name for a person like myself. I used to say I was spiritual... but I am struggling with even believing in myself right now. (I don't mean my literal, flesh-and-blood body.)
Why do you think that is? My experience was similar except that I actually reached a point where I felt "enlightened". By that I mean, I reached a point where I could actually feel myself as being a part of that which was greater. I "KNEW". Others were still seeking. I felt at one with the universe while others still struggled to find their footing.
Now, I feel as though I have been cut off from the whole. It's a horrible feeling. Everything I experienced is still real and still happening, but I feel like I am no longer permitted to partake. The worst part is that I don't know anyone else who has experienced this, so I feel very alone with it.
I've had feelings but, more often than not, I've had a sudden knowing. It's not something I felt in my body (although I have done so on occasion) as much as it was a very forceful and intrusive thought. At times, it was a voice that interrupted my thoughts and gave me an instruction such as, "Get off the freeway," or "You need to go to (insert name)'s house." I've also had visions where I actually saw a scene as though watching a short clip but those were rare.
I usually don't talk about these things because some people just think I have a mental problem. My family, however, knows better. Especially my husband who would most likely be dead right now if he didn't believe me. Even my ex-husband knows he should listen to me, having once pleaded with him to alter his route on his drive home from a camping trip which saved his life and the lives of our two daughters.
I hate the word "psychic" so I either said I was intuitive or very sensitive. People think psychic means having the ability to tap into whatever information they choose, like lottery numbers. In my experience, that is not how it works.