Adult Daughter intolerant and condescending about me sharing my diagnosis and trying to educate her about it

[Atrapa Almas]

@Neri

Im glad that you are doing good. I do agree with most people experiences about disclosure effects on family. Im sorry that you are suffering.

If an autist person was having problems to run a race, and was doing their best efford to complete it despite being the last... They would expect others to recognice that efford and congratulate them.

Its an autism common mistake. We expect others to understand us. To connect with us. To listen to our explanations. To take data or scientifical research, or diagnoses, into account. As I said its a mistake.

This is how it works:

A group of two legged humans are doing a race, lets say its the "little cats awareness race". Some of them are doing great without much efford (that is OBVIOUS because of their facial expressions, body language and way of running). Those are the pros.

Some of them are putting a lot of efford despite not doing it that well. Its OBVIOUS because of the same. Those are amateurs.

Some of them are there just to figure, for social reasons or to have some fun. Its also OBVIOUS. Those are normal people. Probably they like cats, or work at a pet shop and were told by the boss to participate.

Who else is there? Ohhh, the so called autist. Its running horribly. On top of that they is not even doing the efford. We can SEE that because of their OBVIOUS body language, facial expressions and bla, bla, bla. They probably want to steal the attention to get some of the help we are raising for cats... Lets pray they dont come to give us some scientific-diagnosis boring wall of un-asked-explanations. As we could not spot that OBVIOUSLY. We better ignore them.

Thats more like real world.

My non-asked tip for you is to keep track of your expectations towards others and be as aware as you can, that they percieve the world and proccess information diferently to you BUT quite similar between each other.

Despite being different each other they are conected by that OBVIOUSITY. And you are DIS-CONECTED.

Best of luck, the process of re-understand all your past and your human conections will be a pain.

Sorry for grammar mistakes, english is not my main language, my cellphone dictionary is in spanish and I dont feel like searching much. That or i am making excuses.

Hugs.

 

[Neri]

@Neri

Im glad that you are doing good. I do agree with most people experiences about disclosure effects on family. Im sorry that you are suffering.

If an autist person was having problems to run a race, and was doing their best efford to complete it despite being the last... They would expect others to recognice that efford and congratulate them.

Its an autism common mistake. We expect others to understand us. To connect with us. To listen to our explanations. To take data or scientifical research, or diagnoses, into account. As I said its a mistake.

This is how it works:

A group of two legged humans are doing a race, lets say its the "little cats awareness race". Some of them are doing great without much efford (that is OBVIOUS because of their facial expressions, body language and way of running). Those are the pros.

Some of them are putting a lot of efford despite not doing it that well. Its OBVIOUS because of the same. Those are amateurs.

Some of them are there just to figure, for social reasons or to have some fun. Its also OBVIOUS. Those are normal people. Probably they like cats, or work at a pet shop and were told by the boss to participate.

Who else is there? Ohhh, the so called autist. Its running horribly. On top of that they is not even doing the efford. We can SEE that because of their OBVIOUS body language, facial expressions and bla, bla, bla. They probably want to steal the attention to get some of the help we are raising for cats... Lets pray they dont come to give us some scientific-diagnosis boring wall of un-asked-explanations. As we could not spot that OBVIOUSLY. We better ignore them.

Thats more like real world.

My non-asked tip for you is to keep track of your expectations towards others and be as aware as you can, that they percieve the world and proccess information diferently to you BUT quite similar between each other.

Despite being different each other they are conected by that OBVIOUSITY. And you are DIS-CONECTED.

Best of luck, the process of re-understand all your past and your human conections will be a pain.

Sorry for grammar mistakes, english is not my main language, my cellphone dictionary is in spanish and I dont feel like searching much. That or i am making excuses.

Hugs.

You make great points. I am finding that what you say, is indeed the case.
I am trying to "come out of my autistic closet" in a similar to say, someone who is homosexual, and to be on an empowerment path; to have "autism pride", but the ableism in society is not dissimilar to homophobia.

There is no way to "make" other's share your positive regard to being "non-normative", in other words different, when they see your difference as lesser, or even that they wish to dismiss and deny the difference at all, because they don't want to see us in that light, especially if they think in reflects badly on themselves.

So, I have resolved to say nothing more about it to my daughter.
Sorry for my verbosity. I am always a but prone to it, but am, currently watching a Jane Austen book made into a movie and its affecting my communication pattern.
I hope I am not too hard to understand. If I am, please feel free to ask me to explain myself better.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neri
Sorry if I seem to be checking you at every step, but I am trying to help

NT limitations in understanding "Aspie nature" aren't "ableism". it's an honest inability to understand.

I've tried to explain during our conversation the approach I use for this, but so far I don't think we're in accord.

FWIW: I tell people I'm an Aspie (only) if it will help with something, but I do it with the least possible drama.
For example, I'll do it if I catch myself in the middle of over-explaining something, using my "Aspie traits" to explain the error and hand back the conversational initiative.

This avoids drama, but can be used as a stepping stone to a later discussion if it's ever useful for me. It's a bit like a Narc's "trickle truth" techniques, except in reverse order (most important first, and I'm informing, not hiding information).

I do this fairly often - maybe once a month with a new person. I've never had a negative reaction to it - not even when I first started doing it, and was saying a bit too much.

 

[Neri]

@Neri
Sorry if I seem to be checking you at every step, but I am trying to help

NT limitations in understanding "Aspie nature" aren't "ableism". it's an honest inability to understand.

I've tried to explain during our conversation the approach I use for this, but so far I don't think we're in accord.

FWIW: I tell people I'm an Aspie (only) if it will help with something, but I do it with the least possible drama.
For example, I'll do it if I catch myself in the middle of over-explaining something, using my "Aspie traits" to explain the error and hand back the conversational initiative.

This avoids drama, but can be used as a stepping stone to a later discussion if it's ever useful for me. It's a bit like a Narc's "trickle truth" techniques, except in reverse order (most important first, and I'm informing, not hiding information).

I do this fairly often - maybe once a month with a new person. I've never had a negative reaction to it - not even when I first started doing it, and was saying a bit too much.

Thank you. That's a fair assessment, I think.

Like you say, it's not something that those who don't live with it, can easily understand, and even if they do they may not want to acknowledge or want language to categorise such tendencies. My family is rife with people exhibiting neurodivergent traits but not being self aware or perhaps not seeing why it might be worthwhile to investigate.

I have avoided a social life for quite a few years now, and before that, I was in survival mode and very, very busy and focused on tasks at hand.
Since I became self aware enough to self identify as a neurodivergent person, I've mentioned it, in passing here and there and encountered no problems.

It's difficult for me to separate the abuse dynamic that I've been caught up in from a form of "ableism" as being gaslit as "crazy" has been such a consistent form of abuse AND IS a form of "ableism".
So I apologize for my reference to "ableism" sounding like I was conflating it with everyday people not knowing about autism.
I really don't believe that everyday people are that, nor do I buy "racism" is all over the place the way the media portray it. Not knowing about other cultures is not any kind of "ism".

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neri

I think it's time for a break in the "basic techniques" discussion I came in for, and the secondary things we've been discussing.

If you want to talk about the kind of thing raised in post 55 (i.e. the past that shaped your complicated present), start a conversation.

 

[Neri]

@Neri

I think it's time for a break in the "basic techniques" discussion I came in for, and the secondary things we've been discussing.

If you want to talk about the kind of thing raised in post 55 (i.e. the past that shaped your complicated present), start a conversation.

I was thinking about starting a post about Autism and complex, developmental trauma.

And I was also thinking about starting a post about PDA because I struggle with that kind of thing as well.

But, now you mention it, starting a post about co-parenting with a narcissist and/or narcissism in the family could help. Is that the kind of thing you mean? I know I'm not alone in this regard.

I watched a youtube vid about symptoms of narcissistic abuse last night, and went to bed in grief, because every single one of those behaviours were things I could relate too.
This is the underlying issue I've got going on.

The autism and how to talk about it, while interesting and informative, because, being newly diagnosed, well, it's all new and useful to read other's knowledge and wisdom and experiences about such things, but my underlying issue is much more complex.

Me talking about my diagnosis was me trying to correct the "crazy" accusations, the thing that my ex would scream in my face or just use to constantly invalidate me. Especially toward the end. He would say "If you ever try to leave, you will never get your children because you are crazy". And I believed him. I stayed for so many years because of this.

I wanted to "set the story straight", correct the gaslighty thing, and even over and underlay the victimy thing- complex post traumatic stress disorder. Autists can struggle with social inclusion and abuse, and in some ways I'm just another statistic. But, now, I have a community who I really understand and who I feel understanding from. It means the world to me.

I will be going over all the posts in this thread too, as my processing, well, it's a bit iffy, it takes quite a bit time for me to "get" some stuff and I just don't process some stuff at all unless it's repeated and repeated. So yeah. Will have to reread and reread.

I've been struggling with agoraphobia for about 10 years now. Living in 2 very troubled neighbourhoods, after a lot of familial abuse, SA, violence inflicted on myself, as well as having to move back to the small village where my "communal narcissist" ex has a lot of sway, combined with not being a car driver, have all been significantly causal. So, my people skills have atrophied, somewhat, and they were always patchy.

I know I'm perceived as "warm". In fact my only psychiatrist I ever had, said I was "too warm to be autistic" but, I disregarded that because she wasn't an autism specialist and I know myself better than she does...But, I'm a socially frightened, avoidant little bunny. Or a deer, or some other timid forest creature.

After being a performance artist, which gave me a way to be out in public, and a mother who hid behind her children, I'm just not at all a socially comfortable creature. So, I think I need all the tips and hacks I can get. But, I'm also demand avoidant. And I'm also someone who's been a chronic people pleaser. Go figure. I confuse myself, continually, with my contradictory nature.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neri

A forum "conversation" is created by a member, and has a limited number of participants (max 2 if I'm involved).

There are a lot of topics and styles of discussion I won't participate in here, several of which are relevant for you.
I was thinking about your past relationship with your ex, which is connected to your relationship with your daughter (i.e. the thread title).

 

[Neri]

So time for an update; My beautiful daughter rang me today, after I texted her a youtube link to a ASD+ADHD costume maker to try to "bridge" as my daughter is a pattern maker/clothes designer/seamstress who did a course in costume making, as well as getting "Designer of the year" award in her tafe course some years ago.

She responded with a text that started "You probably don't want to hear this but..." now I was feeling so reactive and hurt by this stage that I didn't want to read it so I deleted the text before reading it and thought angry, hurt thoughts. As I have been battling for the last week. I've been vacilating between extreme hurt and trigggerrrred-ness and getting to points of acceptance, detachment and equalibrium in between, but unable to maintain.

LOTS of meltdowns.

However, today, she rang me and said she didn't want to "try to mould me" into what SHE wants me to be, instead she would rather accept me for who I am, as she values our relationship.

We had a beautiful heart to heart lasting a couple of hours. I didn't once mention the words Autism, instead I just talked about specifics. And she talked about her own issues with, her words, her own "tunnel vision", passions and interests, social reticence and introversion, and difficulty managing all her responsibilities
So thank you all for your support. The support I received here helped me be restrained when I wanted to respond in blunt and undiplomatic ways and instead focus on becoming emotionally regulated and communicative with support people who all gave me wise and helpful counsel.


@Hypnalis You really went above and beyond in how eager and kind you were in helping me see reason and get beyond taking it too
personally. I really appreciate it.

And to the other person who was very kindly and sensitive in reminding how vulnerable and needful of processing time I am/ was. I'm sorry I don't remember your name, but, I also deeply appreciate your input and sensitivity and thoughtfulness and understanding.

And to everyone who kindly responded to this thread and my cry for support, I deeply appreciate you all. Like many of us, I have spent a huge amount of my life feeling deeply lonely and misunderstood, and the kindness, wisdom, sympathy and empathy I received will always be remembered, even though my working memory can be shoddy, my heart will never forget!

 

[Neri]

Another update; We (my partner and I) are going over to a family bbq at the behest of daughter's mother-in-law. Our main agenda (yes we have one!) is to play with our 2 year old granddaughter (and hopefully minimal interaction with all the adults, they are waaay less fun than bubby) and to give a show of support to my daughter.
She has expressed that it is hard to always have to do social events with her partner's family and not much with her family. So I want to give her support as I don't think she enjoys these obligatory family events very much.
I plan to not mention autism or neurodivergence at any point. And I am going to try to be a bit "cool" and "normal" as I don't want to give her any cause for embarrassment, shame or loss of social status with her inlaws.

Not sure how I'll go with that though. Maybe I'll just go with my usual warm, friendly without fawny and minimal, with all the grown ups.

I,and my partner), are in our comfort zone with little people.This is one of the big reasons I had so many of them, but they all grow up and get super complicated.

They (the inlaws and her partner) will probably be going to be drinking quite a lot and I have mixed feelings about that. Not my daughter though. She is way too responsible as a Ma. She is an introvert and a sensitive creative and I'm starting to doubt that she is all that neurotypical, at all, and maybe that's why she reacted so vehemently when I told her she and her sister appeared to be more so than all her brothers.

So, I am anxious about all the socializing but, I'm trying to be brave about it.

 

[Hypnalis]

"Going over" sounds like it might be soon, so some quick suggestions:

* "Calm and confident" no matter what.
* Help your daughter with her socialization with her in-laws. If you help her out, she won't forget it
* "Helping daughter" means you can't hide behind GD too much. Play tag with your daughter for the GD caring role so she has an easy out fom annoying socialization if she wants it
* Prepare 100% neutral adult conversation topics (so no politics, ongoing international stuff etc).
More like Christmas plans, thoughts on the coming year, comparing other in-law-relevant kids with yr GD etc.
Avoid any indications of intelligence, independent thought, non-conformance with their views, and also contentious topics, your personal interests (unless asked, and even then they probably just want you to ask them back) etc.

BTW the last point (avoidance list) at the end is only slightly exaggerated. Treat it as a strategy, but allow yourself some tactical freedom.

 

[Neri]

"Going over" sounds like it might be soon, so some quick suggestions:

* "Calm and confident" no matter what.
* Help your daughter with her socialization with her in-laws. If you help her out, she won't forget it
* "Helping daughter" means you can't hide behind GD too much. Play tag with your daughter for the GD caring role so she has an easy out fom annoying socialization if she wants it
* Prepare 100% neutral adult conversation topics (so no politics, ongoing international stuff etc).
More like Christmas plans, thoughts on the coming year, comparing other in-law-relevant kids with yr GD etc.
Avoid any indications of intelligence, independent thought, non-conformance with their views, and also contentious topics, your personal interests (unless asked, and even then they probably just want you to ask them back) etc.

BTW the last point (avoidance list) at the end is only slightly exaggerated. Treat it as a strategy, but allow yourself some tactical freedom.

This is all gold.
I'm building that reality already.Me n SO talked through it in a good way tonight.
Yes it's tomorrow.
We are meeting at least one in law that we haven't met yet.
We are going to tread as lightly as possible. There's been a goodly amount of drama my daughter's been through with one of the in laws (and not just her, everyone of the residents, bar baby) and things are likely to be raw on their home turf, so we are going in with as much grace and "greyrock" energy as possible.
If things get heated, drawing bubby away will be a great help in itself, as we are least equipped to know anything about what they are all dealing with and giving them privacy will hopefully help too.

 

[Neri]

After bbq update; Interesting day. We got to meet father in law. He monopolized me a bit as it seemed he was, very much, enjoying talking to me. I was quite up on a lot of things he was into.
My daughter was quite flat and even though I tried to draw her out, she wasn't very forthcoming. I smoothed her way with a sister in law, which she said, she knew quite well, anyway, and she kind of dismissed me, a bit. Not in a mean way, she's was just very emotionally withdrawn and sticking behind a mask. I'd say my daughter is, perhaps, suffering from some depression.
I small talked with all of her in laws and my darling did a lot of buby care. Bub fell asleep in his lap.
I praised her partner's cooking, he made a lovely thai chicken salad.
So all in all it was as painless as possible, although there is a shadow over my beautiful girl's heart. I can tell.
I wonder if she is feeling shame for the way she treated me?
Or does she think I'm faking it or something?
Is she worried she might be an Autie or an Adhder or an Audhder?
Is she suffering post trauma from all the narcy abuse from her dad? (Now, this is likely) and making painful realisations about him and the way he's treated me (and her) and how he was able to estranged us for so long, and how much she has missed out on, because of it?
Perhaps.

I dropped in the invite to child care, if and when she wants to have a shopping day in our mutual small-city-which-is-really-just-a-town. And for us to hang out together as well.

So we shall see.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neri

This sounds like a good result for the day, and hopefully it will help with the underlying problem that motivated you to start this thread,

IMO there are still things going on that need to be addressed.

I'd like to discuss them, but doing so in the public part of the forum would probably bump into my "personal policy constraint" that I referred to in posts #65 and #67- The short version is that there is 100% forum-legal content I (generally) won't discuss in the public forum.

You can start a private thread if you like: L-click on my username and "start conversation".

 

[Neri]

Update; I found out that my daughter is going to visit her brother. The one with ASD3. He lives in a group home, which is a really good one with only one other resident, who is a sweet older lady and a really lovely support team.
I am pleased to hear my daughter is taking the lead in making time for her brother.
He only moved into this house about 3 weeks ago and my daughter hasn't seen it yet.

Also, I bumped into my kid's dad yesterday. It went ok. We talked about the kids. We were in a public place. I've, pretty much, accepted the way he is. I have to keep my distance. I know him well enough to know how to minimize any harmful fallout from him.
I did try to ring my daughter, as I think she tried to call me, but, I didn't get through.

I still feel a bit hurt at the way she treated me over my diagnosis and me talking about neurodiversity in our family, but, maybe she is on her own quest to understand, instead of being judgemental and dismissive of me telling her that I'm autistic. Maybe, going to visit her brother will help her understand more.

Having a son, and her big brother, with ASD3 has caused a huge amount of pressure, upheaval and arguments between me and their father, that he has tried to triangulate them against me over, all because he couldn't cope and would never admit that he had a high needs disabled son and wouldn't support him having disability support.

He found a way to make me "the bad guy" about it all. I talked to my psychologist about that and she said that it's quite common for narcissistic parents of children with disabilities to behave like that. As they act as if their children are an extension of themselves, and admitting a child has a disability doesn't fit into their view of themselves.

 

[Neri]

Yes. It was also helpful for me to read about your family, as it is much like what my son married into and I am now a part of. Maybe the greatest thing about this forum is knowing that your problems are not some isolated cosmic weirdness aimed at you, but are shared by others in similar circumstance. I look forward to hearing how your situation slowly unfolds and improves.

So I thought I'd let you know how things have progressed.
She was really struggling with it all, in all our interactions. All on the phone, either calls or texts.

She sent a big wall of what my support worker described as basically, a tantrum, text, a little kid tantrum, came to her mind, yesterday, coz I read her the text.
Dawty accused me of, basically, just trying to "get out" of everything, that I've done wrong or will continue to do wrong, as a parent, with my diagnosis, and telling me I was the only person who should have protected her and taken care of her and I abandoned her and well ...I just validated how she felt and told her I wasn't excusing myself of anything, I am trying to understand myself better, in an attempt to repair my own damaged sense of self and how I wished I could have cared for her and loved her how she wanted to be loved.

I told her that forgiving me would take as long as it takes, because it's her process. I told I felt the pain, acutely, of having let her down. I told her it's important to be as authentic as you can be, with people you want a close relationship with (because she basically told me she's been faking nice to me, these past few years that we've been getting on).

And nothing. No reply.

Until today. I was in the big town (that thinks it's a city, but it's not ) and she rings me when I was in getting news on my support package funding (I found out it has been approved!. She had seen me walking down the street.

She was sweet as pie. In a good mood. Going camping at the beach, this weekend and wanted me to come help her with bubby while she shopped for a bathing suit. Then she bought me a coffee and dropped me off at my bus stop.
She just wanted to talk about her and hubby and bubby and possibly friend's, pending trip to Japan, that they have planned for February.

So we didn't talk about any of the contentious stuff, but I was in the disability support coordinator office and she met me there and was there when I found out I have been awarded funding for support, and I did a very autistic looking happy dance when I found out.

 

[Rodafina]

So I thought I'd let you know how things have progressed.
She was really struggling with it all, in all our interactions. All on the phone, either calls or texts.

She sent a big wall of what my support worker described as basically, a tantrum, text, a little kid tantrum, came to her mind, yesterday, coz I read her the text.
Dawty accused me of, basically, just trying to "get out" of everything, that I've done wrong or will continue to do wrong, as a parent, with my diagnosis, and telling me I was the only person who should have protected her and taken care of her and I abandoned her and well ...I just validated how she felt and told her I wasn't excusing myself of anything, I am trying to understand myself better, in an attempt to repair my own damaged sense of self and how I wished I could have cared for her and loved her how she wanted to be loved.

I told her that forgiving me would take as long as it takes, because it's her process. I told I felt the pain, acutely, of having let her down. I told her it's important to be as authentic as you can be, with people you want a close relationship with (because she basically told me she's been faking nice to me, these past few years that we've been getting on).

And nothing. No reply.

Until today. I was in the big town (that thinks it's a city, but it's not ) and she rings me when I was in getting news on my support package funding (I found out it has been approved!. She had seen me walking down the street.

She was sweet as pie. In a good mood. Going camping at the beach, this weekend and wanted me to come help her with bubby while she shopped for a bathing suit. Then she bought me a coffee and dropped me off at my bus stop.
She just wanted to talk about her and hubby and bubby and possibly friend's, pending trip to Japan, that they have planned for February.

So we didn't talk about any of the contentious stuff, but I was in the disability support coordinator office and she met me there and was there when I found out I have been awarded funding for support, and I did a very autistic looking happy dance when I found out.

Sounds a bit tricky to make sense of from your perspective. Maybe the interaction today is telling of underlying substance to the relationship despite there being some contention, too. Maybe it's that you are mother and daughter, your lives are intertwined and neither is trying to cut the other out of their life. So, there will be simpler, more neutral things that are part of the relationship in addition to some of the bigger and more difficult things that are there, too.

It's a lot to process for both sides, I suppose. I just hope you get back to a feeling of equilibrium and acceptance with your daughter as you go through your own process of understanding yourself better. Thanks for the update. It's always good to know how these things are progressing.

 

[Neri]

Sounds a bit tricky to make sense of from your perspective. Maybe the interaction today is telling of underlying substance to the relationship despite there being some contention, too. Maybe it's that you are mother and daughter, your lives are intertwined and neither is trying to cut the other out of their life. So, there will be simpler, more neutral things that are part of the relationship in addition to some of the bigger and more difficult things that are there, too.

It's a lot to process for both sides, I suppose. I just hope you get back to a feeling of equilibrium and acceptance with your daughter as you go through your own process of understanding yourself better. Thanks for the update. It's always good to know how these things are progressing.

It is tricky. I've had some helpful feedback from my support worker and my therapist. My therapist says "I'm safe" for dawty to take out her stuff on. Support worker says I'm holding space for her "little kid tantrum" and I can do that. I did do that. I don't feel upset by it anymore. I'm her mum and sometimes we spack at our mum's because we can, because mum's who are "safe" cop the stuff that other people aren't "safe" to take out stuff on.

As for why she's reacted to my diagnosis so negatively; not sure. I really haven't gotten to the bottom of that.

If anything I'm someone who takes on more than their share of responsibility when responsibilities needed to be taken. So that was really strange, to have her accuse me of excusing my (so-called) crappy parenting by being autistic. I don't drive, that's been an inconvenience, to put it mildly, for myself and my children. I'm not capable in a range of ways, but today, when I jokingly told her her youngest brother called me a savant (he did), and she asked what that meant, when I told her, she told me I have lots of skills and gifts, so she either thinks I'm faking and copping out by getting a diagnosis I'm not entitled to, or there is some shame around acknowledging my diagnosis and how it reflects on her. Not sure. Or it could be something else.

I don't know when we will be able to talk about it frankly.

Yes, I'm still confused. But things are a little clearer too.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

If anything I'm someone who takes on more than their share of responsibility when responsibilities needed to be taken. So that was really strange, to have her accuse me of excusing my (so-called) crappy parenting by being autistic.

Do you think she means that she wanted you to help protect her from her dad? And--even though your needs are understandable--maybe she feels like she never had parents. She was put in a parental role, as a kid.

I say this based on my own experience and from reading what you've posted here. It's not meant to blame you, but to try clarifying her perspective. I've often felt angry and letdown by my Autistic dad, because I got put in his role and had to deal with all my mom's tantrums and nonsense. Now that he's gone, I can sympathize more and see his struggles. Maybe your daughter is having difficulty being able to see your view, but it sounds like she's making some attempts.

 

[Neri]

Do you think she means that she wanted you to help protect her from her dad? And--even though your needs are understandable--maybe she feels like she never had parents. She was put in a parental role, as a kid.

I say this based on my own experience and from reading what you've posted here. It's not meant to blame you, but to try clarifying her perspective. I've often felt angry and letdown by my Autistic dad, because I got put in his role and had to deal with all my mom's tantrums and nonsense. Now that he's gone, I can sympathize more and see his struggles. Maybe your daughter is having difficulty being able to see your view, but it sounds like she's making some attempts.

I think it must have something to do with me not protecting her from abuse and trauma from her dad. She said "I was the only person who had the job of protecting her and I didn't" I'm paraphrasing.
I didn't do the right thing by staying so long. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

I didn't have any of the skills or support needed to leave though. I did try, a few years before I did, after my youngest was born, but it didn't work.

I was very dissociated and very depressed, so no wonder she was unhappy with me.
I think she is expressing how hard growing up was and she wants me to see that, and I do.
Maybe that's all she needed, and she'll be ok now.

Time will tell.

I am so sad all the ways I didn't get to give my kids the childhoods they deserved or needed. Most of the fights I had with their dad was me pleading him to be on the same page with me, to do the right thing by them, but, again, I made a mistake. I should have left with all of them, before I got too unwell and had to leave to make sure I didn't leave them for good. I was terribly ill by that time.
That's why the "hypercondriac" accusation hurt so much.
I'm just really good at recovery, given half the chance.
She doesn't get that. I think she thinks I fake stuff. She has no idea how strong I actually am.

 

[Neri]

In the interests of full disclosure, I have to add, I had meltdowns, panic attacks and debilitating anxiety; so many mental health problems, but I sang all the time. I honestly don't know how I ever managed, I really don't.
My poor kids.