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Adult Daughter intolerant and condescending about me sharing my diagnosis and trying to educate her about it

I'm feeling like I really suck, right now.
It makes me so so sad that I couldn't do a better job as a mother.
So sad.
My youngest kid's got a bit of a better run.
At least my youngest daughter, did, by her admission. She said she had a great childhood, but maybe she's just trying to protect my feelings and being nice by saying that.
 
Neri said:
As for why she's reacted to my diagnosis so negatively; not sure. I really haven't gotten to the bottom of that.
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Of course I dont know either, but my bet is that your diagnose invalidate your daughter as a victim since you probably was doing your 100% despite not being enough for her.
 
Atrapa Almas said:
Of course I dont know either, but my bet is that your diagnose invalidate your daughter as a victim since you probably was doing your 100% despite not being enough for her.
Click to expand...
She certainly sounded like that in her last text to me, and yet, since then, she seems like she wants to pretend it never happened. She needs her mum, I guess, and maybe is prepared to drop the judgey and feeling-like-the-bigger-victim attitude.

It seems a lot of us autists are easy to bully. We find ourselves having a lot of other people's stuff projected at us. I think because we are "different" and that can unsettle people. It always seems to me that those who try to control and corral other people actually don't feel that "in control" of themselves.

I know when I've felt scared and threatened, I can try to fight or flight my way out of the scary situation, but more often I resort to the "freeze" and "fawn" responses, this makes me easier to scapegoat. No wonder I keep to myself a lot!
My childhood was spent hiding in a book a lot of the time, (and nature the rest of the time) and now the internet (mostly yt and here) are my refuge.

Now that I have some good support, and more coming, I'm hoping I can bypass the more bullying types of peeps and learn to feel socially safer with nice support worker and other caring professionals.

I detest confrontational situations and will avoid if possible. I don't even like making anyone uncomfortable, not in the slightest.

I'm hoping my daughter finds her way to being the loving, kind person, I know she wants to be and truly is, in her heart of hearts.
 
I'm a beginning to recognize that my daughter is trying to find herself. And it was a shock to her to find that her mother is defined, and defines herself, as autistic, because that reflects on her in a way she doesn't understand and isn't comfortable with.

She is NOT a bully, but if she has bullied anyone it has been me, and as a teen she bullied her younger sister as well. She is a beautiful young woman who, I think, has some self esteem issues going on and some overwhelm and I am her safe person so I receive a level of unmasking that can be painful and confusing for me.

The two sisters are developing a lovely bond these days. They both have babies and although they have a large age gap, now at nearly 30 and 22 they are both grown up women.

I love seeing my girls bonding in a way they never could as younger people.

So, I'm optimistic. I'm hopeful that my beautiful girl, who I've always adored, will learn to accept me and see me as my autistic true self. I am not ashamed of my autism and I believe that is infectious. In fact I am so HAPPY to FINALLY be legitimized as an autistic woman. I feel free. I feel at home myself, in a way I never could before I discovered I was autistic.
 
Update; Best convo ever! With my beautiful daughter, the one I was in distress and made this thread in relation to.
I just got off the phone having a THREE HR conversation with her and we aired it all out. Listened and spoke about many sides of the issue. It feels good between us now. It feels like she has fully forgiven me, in all that she was struggling with me about and that she is very much more open and understanding about my side of things.
She said she had lost sight of that aspect of our relationship where we share our struggles and difficulties with each other.

She didn't want me to get stuck in a limiting thought loop and preoccupation with my self imposed limitations or fall into some negative track of thinking too clinically about her own shared traits, but, it was addressed satisfactorily, I think.

The thing I get to really stand my ground on, that is very solid, is that I CONSTANTLY work on myself. I never sit tight and expect to be catered to, while I avoid and deny my own responsibilities and deficits. And she voiced that, which was very healing and validating to hear her acknowledge

I am SO HAPPY that we are reconciled! She is an incredible human. Very hard working, very creative, very honest, very deep and wise for a young person. I have always utterly adored her, which is why I was so hurt and bewildered when she reacted so negatively to me sharing my diagnosis and voicing how hard I've been struggling, this past year, and really, my entire life.

SO HAPPY :)
 
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