Amethystgirl
Active Member
I'm unhappy with when I try to make a friend and things don't work well. I think I might give up on the whole thing even though a online friend of mine said "I should put myself out there." I know I can't handle it.
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Any of you not able to make friends? I know I very rarely make friends.
- Thread starter Amethystgirl
- Start date
Making friends with NTs is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I'm not sure I even want to half the time anyway.
Putting yourself out there also means functioning in an ableist world, which is exhausting.
There's probably autistic friendly places out there.
Putting yourself out there also means functioning in an ableist world, which is exhausting.
There's probably autistic friendly places out there.
Amethystgirl
Active Member
I don't want to bother putting myself out there. I don't really fit in anywhere. I tried Special Olympics and I couldn't make a friend there, a lot of people are lower functioning and when I tried going in a virtual autistic group, I didn't make any friends because the people there are too high functioning and they talk about complex topics like mental health and they people in group kept changing so I knew nobody in the group even though I was in the group for 6 months. I don't fit in anywhere.
Sometimes it all comes down to random chemistry. Where one may not "click" with most people, yet at some point they find someone they do "click" with. Though from my own perspective it can also take a lot of time before it happens.
Though what I've found is that in modern times many of us are so "mobile" (usually based on employment considerations) that we lose those precious friendships all too easily over circumstances beyond our control. People simply move away, and that's that. Not bothering to consider the Internet to even keep in touch.
Making real friendships seem so fleeting even under the best of circumstances.
Though what I've found is that in modern times many of us are so "mobile" (usually based on employment considerations) that we lose those precious friendships all too easily over circumstances beyond our control. People simply move away, and that's that. Not bothering to consider the Internet to even keep in touch.
Making real friendships seem so fleeting even under the best of circumstances.
I can, but not the type I want. Take an Advil and read my post history.
At best, all I have ever had are "friendly acquaintances". There are many people that I like, get along with, and have conversations with, but at no point did it cross the line into a "true friendship", per se. In general, I don't bond with other people. The only exception would be my wife, and even then, I don't think our relationship is "normal" or that I demonstrate and feel love in the same way that she does. We've been together for the better part of 40 years, but I think we operate by some different rules and expectations than that of many other relationships.
Yes, people, in general, should "put themselves out there", but for many of us the question becomes, "Then what?". If everyone else's brain is running on "Microsoft Windows" software, and your brain is running on "Mac OS" software, there will be a "disconnect" when it comes to communication and social bonding. Neurotypicals, and some autistics, generally do not appreciate this perspective. We cannot run their "software".
My wife and I do not think alike. We do not have the same interests. I have been with her for some 40 years and I have never been able to "know" her. I cannot read her. She cannot read me. We have these little miscommunications nearly every day. Frankly, I don't know how we do it, but we are very much partners in life. We complement each other and we take advantages of each other's strengths for the benefit of "the team". The two of us make one good person.
I am thinking, that with regards to relationship advice for autistics, we pretty much have to understand and accept who we are first, then if/when we find someone special, we need to communicate clearly and ask questions effectively, never assume, never expect, and stop listening to all the advice that is given to neurotypicals. We will operate with different "software". There are expectations and there is reality, and I am thinking we need to adjust the expectations so we don't have thoughts that "something is wrong" when in reality it might be working as well as it can.
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Amethystgirl
Active Member
I don't appreciate being made fun of. I'm not happy today.
I don't make friends as good as my peers but I don't find it difficult or anything. It just doesn't happen, maybe because I come across as standoffish or something no matter how friendly and kind I am. I lack common autism symptoms such as monologuing or talking only about a special interest or lacking eye contact, etc, so it can't be any of those. I think I just sound too self-centred, I don't know. Like I find conversations easier when I throw in my perspectives or experiences related to their's. I do that because I really want people to know me well. I don't info dump or trauma dump or anything like that. But I'm not the sort to ask many questions, and people love when you ask them questions about themselves. But, then again, if people love talking about themselves then I can't see why there's anything wrong with me talking about myself.
But I don't go on about myself, you understand. I just like to share my experiences if I can relate to them. I don't do this to an excessive extreme though, and I'm a good listener so I probably do more listening than talking, and I don't interrupt.
But I don't go on about myself, you understand. I just like to share my experiences if I can relate to them. I don't do this to an excessive extreme though, and I'm a good listener so I probably do more listening than talking, and I don't interrupt.
In my lifetime, a few friends have accumulated, mainly out of chance. Since Jr High (Middle) School, I haven't overtly sought out friends. I have always tried to treat people with respect and courtesy, but I haven't expected friendship. Yet over the years, a few have in fact become friends. I only recently learned that 3 out of the 5 longtime friends are autistic themselves (when you throw me in to the mix as well, this becomes 4 out of our 6 or 66.7% of our friend group).
I am 66. I think it's safe to say I haven't been prolific in making friends, but I know we can rely (and have relied) on each other to come to each other's aid when asked. This includes physical, emotional, and even financial support, so I believe I can say we are solid friends.
I am 66. I think it's safe to say I haven't been prolific in making friends, but I know we can rely (and have relied) on each other to come to each other's aid when asked. This includes physical, emotional, and even financial support, so I believe I can say we are solid friends.
It can be difficult. I have met a lot of people over the years, 20 years ago I knew a lot of people. But close friends, it's something that happens once in a blue moon. Meeting someone that becomes a close friend. It's often what I would call acquaintances.
Every now and then I put some effort into seeing some of the people I had close contact with in the past, usually from graduate school or at least that era. Unfortunately many have died before I found them. Others I have not been able to find.
Still, I just last week met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in decades and in some ways, it was as if the intervening years had disappeared. But being very long distance and not being great talkers, this is not a regular friendship.
But mostly even people I might say were friends, were more like “work” friends and when the context goes away, so does the “friendship.”
For a long while I have modified by goal of having friends to not expect the the whole (or even most) of the package from one person. Instead I share this or that with one person or another. Spread out the responsibility of being a friend across more than one person.
Still, I just last week met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in decades and in some ways, it was as if the intervening years had disappeared. But being very long distance and not being great talkers, this is not a regular friendship.
But mostly even people I might say were friends, were more like “work” friends and when the context goes away, so does the “friendship.”
For a long while I have modified by goal of having friends to not expect the the whole (or even most) of the package from one person. Instead I share this or that with one person or another. Spread out the responsibility of being a friend across more than one person.
I settle for being around people occasionally rather than being with them. So I get the benefit of being in a group which can decompress me after a period of solitude in the wilderness of the periphery. No need for the taxing bit of crossed wires with incompatible people. It's the bright lights and noise that wear me out after a while, but I can manage a couple hours sometimes.
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I like to think I'm interested in other people (of course id say that) but I think a general rule of thumb is people aren't interested in others. Maybe that's overly cynical.
As most of you know, I am unable to have friends. I wish I could. However, it seems to me that trying to force it is a bad idea. Let it happen, and if it does happen, wonderful. If it does not happen, let it go. To me, in a situation like this, "Put yourself out there" is to make yourself vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. It is a nasty, selfish world out there. Be careful.
Joining all the groups in the world won't make a difference in the type of friends you want. Trust me I wasted 5 years of my life working so hard I had an autistic burnout a textationship in disguise with what I thought I finally achieved which caused past PTSD more PTSD because of the past PTSD amplified while others achieved it in less than a fraction without even trying.
Sorry you're feeling that way.
I don't think anyone here was trying to make fun of you. I think it was more of an offering of lighthearted humor. I'm not saying that to contradict you or defend anyone, just trying to explain so that you don't feel worse than you do already.
You would find my wife fascinating.Psychology is my special interest.
The more toxic the person, the more interesting.
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