Any of you not able to make friends? I know I very rarely make friends.

[Amethystgirl]

I don't exactly think I can put myself out there with making friends because I not keen on getting rejected and I know I should blame my illness with not getting friends but I think it's my own doing because I feel I'm not a likeable person to at least some people and in my early 40's I can't change how I feel. Do any of you feel this way?

 

[Neri]

For me, I think I can make them, but keeping them is another thing. I just don't seem to have the capabilities to keep up with social expectations.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I was in high school I was rejected a lot by my classmates, but I didn't really help myself either, because I kept backing away from girls from other classes or even other grades who showed interest in being my friend. It was because I was hellbent on hanging out with the girls in my own class, probably because they all hung out together so I just thought "why shouldn't I?" But I wish I had thought outside the box and just made friends with people who wanted to be my friend, then I wouldn't have been so isolated and lonely. Well I'm an idiot.

And no, it wasn't due to not reading social cues, because I knew full well that the others in my class didn't want me around and the girls from other classes were interested in me. I picked up on that very easily, via body language and all that. I just don't get why I didn't branch out more when I had the chance. By the time I did suddenly realise that my classmates were never going to like me no matter how much I tried hanging out with them, I was 15 and by then everyone had formed their own friendship circles and it wasn't easy to just become accepted in a group at that age.
But by then I did find a group of outcasts like myself, but they seemed insecure and unable to be proper friends so all we did was argue and fall out all the time. I didn't cause any of the problems but I was often the scapegoat because as far as I know I was the only one out of them who had a diagnosis that everyone knew about.
So the teachers immediately thought "oh that's probably Misty stirring things up because she has Asperger's syndrome so can't understand anything social." Stupid misleading diagnosis.

 

[SusanLR]

I have never pursued making a friend. I have had friends, but never because I made an effort to have a friend. Actually, I still do have some friends, but none that are close.

That's the way it was for me. If it happened, it happened and it didn't bother me if it didn't. I was never the pursuer.
What few people I called friends never seemed to last. Except for a couple of long- term boyfriend type relationships. They too, ended in time. No one close now and no family. On-line only for me at this point.

 

[Neri]

So much of life feels like a hassle sometimes, including being social. I didn't realise how much of my life has been chronic burn out and in burn out, pretty much everything feels like a hassle.

 

[DeFunkCat]

It’s hard but worth it. I’ve got new friends with similar interests. I am scared of doing something or saying something weird. I’ve had to work at it. Takes effort / spoons that I’m prepared to use. Means I can do less other things. Matter of priority.

 

[DeFunkCat]

It’s is hard to make friends. I’m terrified of rejection. I also don’t want to be alone. So I carefully spend my precious spoons as I’m able to make new friends. Self respect is an important part of it. Confidence in myself I’m still working at. It’s a journey for newly discovered autistic me. Understanding myself better has helped me hugely. My psychologist is a massive help. Im now making friends. A few friends. Worthwhile friends. I only need a few.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

I came across this quote yesterday:

“If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.” (Zig Ziglar)

It was in a book about influencing other people, rather than making friends, but it's one of those things that rings true for me, and matches up with how I've felt in social situations.

For me, "putting myself out there to make/get friends" is weird, cringeworthy, and scary. Like going to one of those dating events where the only point of it is to hook up with somebody. And their reaction to you is either "yes, I'm instantly attracted to you," or "no, go away, next please". It doesn't allow for the common situation where friendship develops over time, and it's going to be pretty depressing for the majority of the population who don't instantly "click" with someone because, statistically speaking, you're going to get more "no's" than "yes's".

I have never found friends "everywhere", but I've always had more success (such as I have had, and my Christmas card list is not a long one) with putting myself out there to do something other than make friends. For me, friendships are rare, but I have friendly acquaintances.

Joining a group (club, organisation, whatever) where the point is to do an activity puts you in the way of people you already have a common interest with, and whom you can get to know slowly. And there isn't the sense of instant rejection if you don't make a friend/click with someone first time out because, hey, you're there to collect stamps/play chess/go skydiving or whatever, not to make friends, right? Actively helping with running the group (even just being the person who's willing to help with the clearing up afterwards, or the setting up, or whatever) is good too - it gives you "social points" and puts you further into contact with people.

And in any group that does something, people willing to help are always greatly valued. In my experience, in voluntary organisations like hobby clubs, 90% of the legwork of keeping things going is done by 10% of the people. So those people are precious!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The making and keeping of friends and lovers comes down to a few things:
1. Reciprocity being the most important. Whether it be those tiny, everyday, communications and gestures of good will, or those going-out-of-your-way sorts of things, like say, organizing a surprise birthday party.
2. Being an advocate for someone special. Your "ride or die" sort of person. Commitment.
3. Forgiveness and the ability to call someone out on their BS, or have someone call you out on your BS and still be friends and love each other.

Sounds easy enough, but often times, with our condition, there can be a general lack of reciprocity and a sensitivity to criticism and rejection that gets in the way. Not to mention there can be sensory issues getting in the way of enjoying social events and a low level of oxytocin and vasopressin that can inhibit the social bonding experience. A general lack of perspective taking, as many of us struggle with really understanding others feelings and "knowing" people. Then there's the general lack of ability to pick up all the more subtle nuances of communication, that second layer that leads to a complete understanding. I struggle with understanding "intent" many times. In general, these are the sorts of things that I struggle most with. I don't have any true friends, except my wife. All my eggs are in that basket. My children, there's a "glass wall". We get along fine when we are together, but for the most part, "out-of-site, out-of-mind", which is how I am with nearly everyone. I don't "miss" people.

There's a lot going on here, but to simply put it that "It's my fault for not having friends." is an oversimplification, a partial truth, and not an accurate assessment.

 

[Roisin]

I can go through the typical motions and make friends, but keeping those friendships is beyond my abilities.

I went through a decade of no friends, it was my decision, I couldn't take the sadness of more lost connections.

I'd say now I have one real friend and we share an ND understanding, I accomodate her needs and she mine.
It doesn't look like a deep friendship from the outside, but I experience it as one.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Joining a group (club, organisation, whatever) where the point is to do an activity puts you in the way of people you already have a common interest with, and whom you can get to know slowly. And there isn't the sense of instant rejection if you don't make a friend/click with someone first time out because, hey, you're there to collect stamps/play chess/go skydiving or whatever, not to make friends, right? Actively helping with running the group (even just being the person who's willing to help with the clearing up afterwards, or the setting up, or whatever) is good too - it gives you "social points" and puts you further into contact with people.

And in any group that does something, people willing to help are always greatly valued. In my experience, in voluntary organisations like hobby clubs, 90% of the legwork of keeping things going is done by 10% of the people. So those people are precious!

Don't work. Tried that, it made things worse. Yes, you will make fake friends that will abandon your ass when things get tough. Also, they will never hang with you outside planned events or go traveling unless with their own cliques on their own retreats vacations without you. Then they will eventually abandon you at your worst.

 

[AprilR]

Honestly no it is not your own fault. Being able to make friends is an ability.

 

[Amethystgirl]

I have one good friend I talk to almost daily and see about once a month. I have 2 other friends I rarely see but I do talk to both of them on the phone and the rest of my friends are online. I guess I'm not doing bad in socializing. though I'm quite nervous as hell when it's comes to making new friends. For example, if I would like to make friends at a volunteer but I don't find it easy and people in volunteer places never become my friends and they just stay acquaintances. Is it weird that I'm thinking maybe trying to make more friends is not a great idea for me? I find it so difficult because of my condition and I wonder if it's even worth trying?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

No issue do not leave house much, at least until it warms up. Birthday party coming up I do not go out of my way looking,

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Yeah I tend to get nervous about meeting new people and potentially making new friends. Every time my partner has introduced me to one of his friends I go through a period of time where I'm nervous and uncertain of myself, but I tend to just play it by ear and see how things go. However I admittedly still have a hard time of actually maintaining contact with potential friends, and more often than not it's only in group activities that we tend to talk.

There's a few reasons for this nervousness I feel, one is not knowing what this new person is like so therefore not knowing how they'll react to me as they get to know who I am.. in other words, worried I might ultimately be rejected. Another is the fact that I've had a number of instances of friendships just not working out for one reason or another, so that trends to bring uncertainty as to if it'll just be another case of a lost friendship or not. Lastly there's the overhanging knowledge that I'm just not all that good at conversation and don't really know what to talk about a good chunk of the time. That's probably why I lose contact with people so much, is I just don't know what to talk about with them.. and the other is I get distracted and caught up my routines and simply forget x.x

However this is all definitely an improvement from before where I was just so nervous to make friends that I just didn't. That was mostly due to letting my rest of judgment and rejection get the better of me.. and also trauma from what happened with my first ever friend.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I have one good friend I talk to almost daily and see about once a month. I have 2 other friends I rarely see but I do talk to both of them on the phone and the rest of my friends are online. I guess I'm not doing bad in socializing. though I'm quite nervous as hell when it's comes to making new friends. For example, if I would like to make friends at a volunteer but I don't find it easy and people in volunteer places never become my friends and they just stay acquaintances. Is it weird that I'm thinking maybe trying to make more friends is not a great idea for me? I find it so difficult because of my condition and I wonder if it's even worth trying?

Personally, there is no anxiousness or nervousness, per se. My entire day at work is walking in and out of stranger's hospital rooms and dealing with people I may have never met.

At my stage of life, I can have superficial relationships, good acquaintances, etc. I can be quite pleasant with people, laugh and cry with them, work with them, help them, etc. I literally give of myself every day, but I also know myself. I know I am not going to be visiting another's home because you will never invite me, nor will you visit my home on the extremely rare case that I invite you. I know I am not going to be texting or calling anyone. Frankly, I literally have ZERO thoughts about other people, like ever. 99% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are "objects" in my way. Get out of my way on the road. Get out of my way when walking down a street or hallway. I don't need your demands pulling me away from something I was concentrating on. I don't need your expectations of me. I don't need your approval. I don't need my ego massaged. I don't need you. Leave me be. I will stop thinking about you the second you leave my field of vision. I don't seem to have that "friend gene", whatever that is, and at no point in my life has it ever, not once, distressed me.

One, and only one exception: My wife. Ever have a family cat that has only bonded with one person, and the rest of the family can piss off? That's sort of me, in a nutshell. LOL!

Maybe I've got some serious anti-social behaviors, but at my age and stage of life, I really don't care. Frankly, unless I am discussing it here on the forums, it never enters my mind.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I don't worry about friends. I have no urge to add to what I have. If it happens, it happens. I don't turn away new friends, I just don't invest in MAKING new friends.

I do have anxiety with meeting new people in general. Always have. At 67, that's not likely to change.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

i've always had a small circle, network of friends, its never been large, and my social circle, network of friends, has taken a huge loss when one of my good friends of 12 years just completely ghosted me last October, i haven't had any contact with them since, all of my attempts to establish contact again have fallen on deaf years or gone completely ignored, silent, i even made a thread about it.