Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual? Asking due to my failed relationship

[Dagan]

Open and fully personal: I don't know if I have an issue that has or fits a label, honestly. I don't think that I lack the emotions that I should have, but I know that I don't "commit the act" with my pleasure in mind. It's always been about the woman and focused on her experience (and not to fail in any way). To reach that point, trust, comfort and a strong cerebral connection must be in place, and then the mindset kicks in that I am giving of myself without a mindset of personal gain...if that makes sense..? I don't know how to better describe it.

 

[Kayla55]

I was very shy and slow in high school to notice what sexual influences was...could say innocent. I left popular crowd since it was fashion to sleep around and worship money and status and I was quietly watching one guy for long time but more I suppose as a child since I was slow and even in biology class I didn't really connect the dots. So whilst I understood what mammals do I wasn't reading books about love fantasy, wasn't dressing up as much as the other girls.
I suppose girls don't struggle as much to find boyfriends and you can loose tune with your senses and try mask or force yourself to be more responsive and become confused later on.
Being with opposite sex seems to cause me to mask, so relaxing is unusual.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Since I wasn't getting my sexual needs or wants met in my last relationship that's why I ended up paying for sex a couple of times or ended up having sex with a couple of escorts and sex workers.

No regrets but yeah due to my lifelong hatred and resentment of men always having to make the first move and ask the woman out and court women.

My last relationship didn't really happen or start that way and no she was not the initiator I was kind of basically introduced to her or kind of set up with her by her cousin in which her cousin had her message me or follow me on Instagram and she started the initial interaction and that's how we started getting to know each other but of course I was the one that asked her out though so it was like a mutual effort but we all know that normally the man has to do just about everything in the beginning

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Yeah I'm open to the possibility that my ex-girlfriend was either just not ready for sex or she truly was asexual.

She claims that she was not sexually active with her ex-boyfriends or the previous guys she dated, she was a virgin but yeah a part of me is reluctant to call her a true girlfriend since she was not interested in having a sexual relationship.

Kissing and making out yes but more than that no.

The previous woman I kind of dated back when I was 29 for like 4 months.

She was the opposite and she definitely had a sexual side but since we were only together for a short time that's why physical intimacy was very little in that relationship due to the short time we were together.

Reminds me of a comment that I will never forget and I'll remember for the rest of my life when I was discussing that short-term situation I had back when I was 29.

I also am asexual. I believe your girlfriend had a good reason to not want to have sex with you. She might’ve felt uncomfortable when you kept telling her you wanted sex even though she doesn’t want that. Personally I have never had sex nor do I want to. I sure as hell wouldn’t want that either, and I’d run the other way.

It sounds like you weren’t respecting her decisions and desperately wanted to please yourself instead of listening to her side. You insisted you were tolerating her drama when it clearly sounds like you’re averse to her needs.

I suggest if you want to achieve your sexual needs, to either find someone who IS willing to have sex with you, or just masturbate. I’ve heard from single men (and women) that they’ll masturbate to calm their sexual urges. I recommend you do the latter as you won’t have to go through any drama and you’ll focus more on pleasing yourself.

Hope that helps.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yeah I'm sure I doubt I'm the first person and I know I definitely won't be the last that ended up in a relationship in which sex didn't occur

 

[Kayla55]

Yeah I'm sure I doubt I'm the first person and I know I definitely won't be the last that ended up in a relationship in which sex didn't occur

Gosh, imagine women thought out aloud, like damn he wasn't rich enough so maybe she's a NT and like you she believes in hollow fibres. So go find another thread to woe, you can join post photo and insist you need sex, this is off topic....this is a-sexual topic

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm quite content to be friends with a woman. Being openly married makes that easier. Always bring up wife, kids - and now a grandchild. In my book, it eliminates the sexual potential.

When I was young, "Let's just be friends." felt like being neutered. There is a reason that being "friend zoned" is the kiss of death to a romantic relationship. It is a polite way to say, "You don't have a chance. Go away."

Young women can't risk being friendly with an undesirable guy who might still have a hidden agenda. Also, guys and gals rarely have common interests at that age, which is an important basis for friendship. (Gals can be friends with gay males and often are. No sexual risk and more common interests.)

As I got older, I found that actual nonsexual friendship with a woman became more possible. They have been through a bit of life and it is comforting not to have to be in the mating game.

 

[Sander-Schagen]

I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?

A part of me is also thinking of the possibility that it's possible that she just wasn't ready.

I stayed with her longer than I believe I should have because I was hoping that she would eventually become comfortable or change her mind but unfortunately she didn't.

So overall is it not unusual and not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Yeah this failed relationship has been the main source of my anger and bitterness and resentment for the past few months and why I have made certain comments on this forum.

Yes Steelbook...
I think you are right in some way.
In the Netherlands, where i live, we have an organization called "NAR" Netherland's Autism Register.
It does one poll per year under the members, who are all Diagnosed, Self-Diagnosed Autistics, or in a separate group, Parents of.
One of the themes is Sexual identity. The total number of participants (adult Autistics) was lately 800.
Each year most questions are restated, to give a look at trends.
It shows that uncertainty among Autistics about their Sexual Role is strong, strongest among females.
My thoughts, also based upon my own feelings, is that we just do not easily take roles or group-identities upon us.
Meaning, that our sexual impulses are basic, without too much influence from groups around us.
In Other words: Just follow your impulses, that is (or should be in sane individuals) natural.
When your environment and situation are positive for children you become more active and open to sexual feelings. When it is not you don't.
My impression is that many adult Autistics do not feel their situation or environment to be ideal for children. So...
Sander.

 

[kriss72]

Yes Steelbook...
I think you are right in some way.
In the Netherlands, where i live, we have an organization called "NAR" Netherland's Autism Register.
It does one poll per year under the members, who are all Diagnosed, Self-Diagnosed Autistics, or in a separate group, Parents of.
One of the themes is Sexual identity. The total number of participants (adult Autistics) was lately 800.
Each year most questions are restated, to give a look at trends.
It shows that uncertainty among Autistics about their Sexual Role is strong, strongest among females.
My thoughts, also based upon my own feelings, is that we just do not easily take roles or group-identities upon us.
Meaning, that our sexual impulses are basic, without too much influence from groups around us.
In Other words: Just follow your impulses, that is (or should be in sane individuals) natural.
When your environment and situation are positive for children you become more active and open to sexual feelings. When it is not you don't.
My impression is that many adult Autistics do not feel their situation or environment to be ideal for children. So...
Sander.
View attachment 126085

It would be interesting to see the same numbers for non-autistic people in the Netherlands

 

[Sander-Schagen]

It would be interesting to see the same numbers for non-autistic people in the Netherlands

Sorry.
I don't have those. I think there will be not very much difference with other countries in "The West".
Sander
I have these interesting statistics (in Dutch, sorry):
Volwassenen: Adults.
Algemeen welbevinden: General well-being
Momentopname: Snapshot
Leeftijd: Age

 

[Kayla55]

What do you offer a women

One piece of advice I did take to heart was should you date outside of the spectrum, but how might asd propose to navigate the dating world.
So review of previous thread: define yourself.... So once you've done this and realised that women are not moulds but living creatures then we ready to tackle dates with partners who are readily compatible. So if she's a-sexual then probably best to give miss if sex is high on your agenda.

Age specific being of relevance, and me asking if there was a reason girls used to usually marry older men and I think it is relevant here. Well an older a-sexual male compatible partnership may be in line since he's finished studying, and now seeking partnership (he in 30s and she in 20s) pls correct me if I'm wrong on this assumption.
If a guy wants a girl to pick him up and do all the leading, assuming she doesn't live with him and receive comfort benefits then what does she get out of this? It's constructive criticism and aimed to help! He refuses to buy me chocolate, I am independent. I must say that if sex doesn't stop he assumes everything is fine, that he just gets healthy dose of sex for free. With men on spectrum I'm assuming that getting emotional responses is even harder, perhaps they don't recognise their partners needs as opposed to testosterone Greek who actually doesn't care. So here's my experience of younger dating...sex is hardly good for her due to inexperience. He can't ever even compliment her or provide emotional food in return for sex, in today's world young guys think they doing you a favour and it can ruin her experiences for future when she realises it's empty hollow tunnel and also lacks commitment and it's difficult for women to ask a man about his loyalty to her. In other words...some NT males help their girlfriends at work, in social networks, may offer to fix her car.
So heading towards older serious relationships and being blunt ...in nature females usually bigger due to reproductive needs but I mean this as metaphor in sense that some women may want financial security and the guy still lives at home or disability. So she gives sex for nothing in return, which is unfair since men's salaries still tend to be higher.
One she dated enough NT and experience of testosterone the issues may set in because he is sexually demanding and sexist society does exist. So I left out other wonders today to highlight these points because despite his best sense of humour or so much in common, it's issue that if she falls pregnant she will burden her family and not afford speech or expensive OT bills, where will they live.

I've also noted that if you dating out of your league that you not comfortable with yourself or your looks and using her as status symbol to bolster confidence. So when we say 2 people perfectly matched, share interests and look like one another's counterparts in mirror there seems to be less pressure on him to perform money duties to uphold his status symbol. So dating out of your league can propose many issues, and make dating arrangements look very different from way it's usually intended.
Whilst friends dating hot with with boats and benefits there sits aspie girl with ugly guy who also has zero money, I mean she gets zero. (Aspie can become victims)
So agreement on disability disadvantage was men use these women as have less defense's in female friends, jusdge money less (surely he can offer something, expect her to love for less than crumbs) then you must initiate for him and get no compliments, he can't even tie his shoes(metaphor) and define his male providing attitude or exude confidence and make her feel good instead of expecting her to act desperate for boyfriend and learn his repetitive sexual gratification ...oh, and they believe we use them just as much?

Another issue that looked at was how many female Asperger's hold down jobs, and whether she living with parents. The mother should eventually tell her off that she sleeping with guy who can't even support her, or that she is a burden who is also going out with looses and causing family more burden. I refuse to blame girl since statistics are just really bad with masking and SUICIDE.

 

[Kayla55]

https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/dangers-of-dating-as-autistic-woman/

 

[Kayla55]

Right there, 100%! That’s the best thing you can do because nothing else works. Otherwise, you will find yourself changing, taking on the mannerisms of the Asperger spouse. After spending too much time around my husband, I’ve caught myself having no emotion, sitting, staring. Done! Had to divorce mentally in my mind first to disconnect from him. To free myself of the daily torment, mind games, silent treatment. Work on self worth, have minimal contact and conversation, visualize a much better life. Next is the paperwork

https://kmarshack.com/2011/08/08/divorce-and-asperger-syndrome/
I was amazed by long list of blogs, just gives insight into marriage and asd
Just gives you idea of what NT are saying about you

 

[Kayla55]

I wish I had known and found a more compatible partner when I was younger.
Do a-sexual men have advice to a-sexual women because most men who picked me up were just one tracked.
I did meet a wonderful man once, he was fun and really looked after me, I masked as best as I could but one day he wanted to flirt explicitly in public and I finally flipped out and left.

 

[Kayla55]

I've been confused about my sexuality for years in regards to how or if I might fit somewhere on the asexual spectrum. The reason I've been pondering that is my touch aversion. However, I still somehow have sexual desire. I hate that I do, but I somehow desire it, but I think that if I ended up in a relationship, I might not be able to be physical in reality. I just don't know. I really can't tell you one way or another right now, which would be more powerful my touch aversion or my drive. >.<

If I do get diagnosed with autism I think that will help me understand this as a result of the touch aversion that is common with autism and help move me away from thinking of myself on the ace spectrum. I've never been able to understand why I had touch aversion to begin with until I began learning about and suspecting I may be autistic.

I think many women mold ideas based on their experiences....many I've heard are open about him cheating and having other emotions mix it up.
Some days I was more up or down...more intense or offish
Could be overlap.....
It's hard to say when young because maybe need time to discover your sexuality and afterwards sex may be good for you,

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I also am asexual. I believe your girlfriend had a good reason to not want to have sex with you. She might’ve felt uncomfortable when you kept telling her you wanted sex even though she doesn’t want that. Personally I have never had sex nor do I want to. I sure as hell wouldn’t want that either, and I’d run the other way.

It sounds like you weren’t respecting her decisions and desperately wanted to please yourself instead of listening to her side. You insisted you were tolerating her drama when it clearly sounds like you’re averse to her needs.

I suggest if you want to achieve your sexual needs, to either find someone who IS willing to have sex with you, or just masturbate. I’ve heard from single men (and women) that they’ll masturbate to calm their sexual urges. I recommend you do the latter as you won’t have to go through any drama and you’ll focus more on pleasing yourself.

Hope that helps.

Yeah I wonder why she was okay with dating me or kissing me or making out with me, yeah it's an unfortunate reminder that if I want to find a woman that is comfortable sexually I will unfortunately have to seek her out which I resent having to do

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Yeah I wonder why she was okay with dating me or kissing me or making out with me, yeah it's an unfortunate reminder that if I want to find a woman that is comfortable sexually I will unfortunately have to seek her out which I resent having to do

Of course it’s going to suck. But you’ll have to either try to find someone or just stick to masturbating. Personally I think it’s much better if you do the latter since you won’t waste any time with that.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Of course it’s going to suck. But you’ll have to either try to find someone or just stick to masturbating. Personally I think it’s much better if you do the latter since you won’t waste any time with that.

Or just continue having sex with escorts or sex workers for the rest of my life since that doesn't require any game or courtship or seduction or social skills

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Or just continue having sex with escorts or sex workers for the rest of my life since that doesn't require any game or courtship or seduction or social skills

Dude you cannot simply just put yourself out there and scream, “have sex with me!!”. Sex workers don’t have sex with guys for free, you know. They get PAID.

Are you sure you really want to drain your bank account for sex workers when masturbation is FOR FREE?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Dude you cannot simply just put yourself out there and scream, “have sex with me!!”. Sex workers don’t have sex with guys for free, you know. They get PAID.

Are you sure you really want to drain your bank account for sex workers when masturbation is FOR FREE?

Duh of course I know that