• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

As an NT How do I know when I should ask out my (potentially Aspie) crush?

M

mylife2023

Active Member
I've never been that girl that asks a guy out, but with this particular guy, I feel like I am having to take the lead on everything. I don't mind that, but there's a learning curve. He responds more when I am straightforward, and then it kind of wanes until I say something bold. I haven't interacted much with him, because of distance, but I am willing to drive the four hours to go on a date. I've found a nice quiet restaurant so that we could maybe talk face to face.

My question is, how do I know when it's okay to just ASK? Do I pay? Do I suggest we split the bill? I just have no idea how to go about this. I know he's clearly interested, and he's slowly talking more (some days, anyways).

What's the green light to move forward?

Thanks for any advice.
 
When you're willing to make a leap of faith and do it anyways without any NT response from him that will not likely happen anyways.

Assuming of course that he is indeed on the spectrum of autism. From my own perspective,it takes a lot for us to make that first move.
 
"When you're willing to make a leap of faith and do it anyways without any NT response from him that will not likely happen anyways."

I'm sorry, can you explain this? I am lost. What do you mean it will not likely happen anyways?
 
mylife2023 said:
"When you're willing to make a leap of faith and do it anyways without any NT response from him that will not likely happen anyways."

I'm sorry, can you explain this? I am lost. What do you mean it will not likely happen anyways?
Click to expand...
That there is a rather strong possibility that if you don't make the first move, nothing of it may ever happen.

It's one instance where you have go against the grain of established social conventions. I once had a long friendship with a woman who I had no clue was interested in me romantically. I didn't realize it until she knocked on my door in the late hours of the night to embrace me, kiss me and then get quite physical. Crazy, but it worked.

Otherwise I probably might have never picked up on her feelings. For a lot of us it's just the way it is for us.
 
Last edited:
mylife2023 said:
That terrifies me! I'm not even afraid of rejection, just the act of doing it......
Click to expand...
Even in today's more progressive social environment I suspect there are a lot of women thinking the exact same thing. Where it really does amount to a blind leap of faith to take the lead. And for some this just amounts to a nebulous social taboo.

Though I should probably add that I did have one relationship in which I made the first move. We were standing on the edge of a BART train platform and she was getting onto her train while I was still waiting for mine. I kissed her and that changed everything in a single moment. I just couldn't help myself....but even for me that was a rare occurrence.
 
Last edited:
Women will have to start taking the lead more in initiating interest with men. That's how our society has changed. Numerous factors contribute to this societal change and it's not likely to revert back to the way things were before with many many many generations of people.
 
Judge said:
Even in today's more progressive social environment I suspect there are a lot of women thinking the exact same thing. Where it really does amount to a blind leap of faith to take the lead. And for some this just amounts to a nebulous social taboo.

Though I should probably add that I did have one relationship in which I made the first move. We were standing on the edge of a BART train platform and she was getting onto her train while I was still waiting for mine. I kissed her and that changed everything in a single moment. I just couldn't help myself....but even for me that was a rare occurrence.
Click to expand...
that is ..... well, the epitome of romantic.
 
mylife2023 said:
that is ..... well, the epitome of romantic.
Click to expand...
Actually my reality is that romance is incredibly difficult for me. Another social concept that usually confuses me.

Saying those "three magic words" can be difficult for us as well. Similar to expressing empathy, while we can have such feelings, we may not always be able to so easily express them verbally. Sad and strange perhaps, but "it is what it is" for a number of us. Mea culpa. Making relationships with NTs difficult to doomed. :(
 
Last edited:
As somebody who was very shy and rejection averse, it was very hard for me to make the first move and I had great anxiety being vulnerable to a woman's judgement. Hence, I did not start dating until I was 26 when small successes in other parts of my life gave me a little confidence in myself. When I met my spouse I made the first move because it was innocently transactional; ride sharing for a road trip to a Sierra Club outing we individually signed up for. Little did I appreciate the intensity of such a trip and we were falling for each other. She had been hoping to meet a man who would enjoy being her companion on outdoor activities she enjoyed and ditto for me. When I professed to her, my mind panicked, yet she was so accepting, kind, and patient with me that I was disarmed and recognized she was the person for me.

So, I understand how hard it is to be vulnerable to someone and have to agree with @Judge that sometimes one must risk a leap of faith to enter a relationship. Being ASD, you may need to walk that tightrope of being direct while letting him have a little room to help him engage. Many of us on the spectrum have had such social delays (and in my case with relational trauma from feeling isolated) that we were inexperienced with women. That may make interacting harder for you. A good discussion is here; Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com

From your concerns I think the guy will be fortunate to be in a relationship with you.
 
lately I noticed there is some very good U-Tube videos on how to have a relationship with us I was surprised on its accuracy. we are a bit different.
 
Mr. Stevens said:
Everyone will be different. I say just be direct and clear without putting pressure on him.
Click to expand...
Your right we like directness no beating around the Bush or expect us to read between the lines the women that tried to pick me up years ago may have had more luck if. they had been more up front.
 
@mylife2023

The thread title says "when". That's unanswerable on the data you've provided.

Do you actually want to ask "how"?

A male Aspie, especially a mature one in 2023, may never give you an unambiguous "green light" if you're using normal NT techniques for this kind of interaction.
 
Hypnalis said:
@mylife2023

The thread title says "when". That's unanswerable on the data you've provided.

Do you actually want to ask "how"?

A male Aspie, especially a mature one in 2023, may never give you an unambiguous "green light" if you're using normal NT techniques for this kind of interaction.
Click to expand...
Ok, maybe that is what I need to ask. I am a writer and a damn good one, but I have no idea how to do this! We don't see one another that often so it will probably be via text. I've been so stressed out today, I haven't even texted him. He has only ever initiated one maybe two texts.
 
The typical Aspie is born with a deficit in the kind of communication skills necessary to operate comfortably in this context.

How did you ",meet"?
If it was via a dating app, the context supports an Aspie-friendly communication style.
If it's a business relationship, with occasional F2F contact, I'd expect it to be more difficult.

If a dating app - I know women are generally approached, or induce an approach by relatively simple means.
Forget that. Just go with a structure like:
"I enjoyed our previous interaction. I'd like to get together again. Can we have dinner together some time soon?".

Just that - tune for style of course, but don't fill it up with junk, especially something that simulates traditional M/F communication patterns. Irrational communication pushes Aspies away.

If you can, try to make both a yes and a no answer easy. Of course I don't know your crush, but personally I'm quite likely to ghost someone if they craft a push-style "sales pitch" (only a "yes" is easy).

If e.g. you're looking to build on an existing a business relationship, I think you'll need to establish the context first.
 
Last edited:
Can you give me more examples of what irrational communication is from an Aspies perspective? I’ve tried adjusting my texts but maybe I’m pushing him away with texting.

Sometimes when I feel it’s going well he will just end it with “have a good night or “ I’m tired and going to bed. It feels like a blow off but sometimes he’s very engaged.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom