@Any Fake,
Rather than try to reply to your individual points, I'll try and gather them and reply here.
Helping him learn to communicate better isn't change, it is learning. We're not incapable of discovering we can do things a better way for the sake of someone we care about, and we're not incapable of understanding that the way we do things at the outset isn't working as well as we want. But until you are able show us, we have no idea what is wrong or what can be done about it. That is the improvement I refer to. That simple example I gave before, that I demonstrated my feelings for my wife by doing things for her, and thought that was so obvious that this would prove it, when what she needed was for me to tell her. As soon as I knew that, I knew I needed to demonstrate it with words, not (just) deeds. That improved my ability to communicate with her, and express something she needed, and didn't have before. I will admit that I never really
understood why my practical demonstrations were not enough when a few words were, because that puzzles me still, but I loved her and I wanted her to know it, so it was obvious that the words were necessary and I adjusted.
You talk about his emotional and compassionate side, which indicates that he is capable of things you want from him, but that does not mean he is also not black and white, logical, and analytical. Indeed, the fact he has difficulty expressing his emotions and his emotional status tends to suggest that the logical and analytical process is his primary operating mode. I recognise this because I am pretty much exactly the same - your description of his outward facing qualities is also me. I am deeply emotional, sensitive and I take care of people. People, things, matter to me in fundamental ways, and I connect to people emotionally, I also have a great sense of humour (I'm told), but I am also principally an analytical and strategic thinker. I suspect that's why you're having so much problem, because you read him as driven in a way that he is not, so the result you get is frustrating and confusing.
I don't mean this unkindly at all, quite the opposite, but the fact you are debating with a number of Aspies the quality and nature of your Aspie tends to show that you haven't yet got it - that we, and he, really are as we describe. There isn't an exactness to it because we are all very different, but our foundations are generally much the same.
I don't know that I could tell you how to read him, and I know I have a slightly better range of facial expressions which perhaps helped, but my wife got it right almost every time. I was curious how she did it because it hadn't happened before and though I didn't know then that I was an Aspie, I still brought typical Aspie curiosity to understanding how she was able to tell, so I asked her. She said she had realised she needed to stop
thinking about reading me, because thinking made her focus on what worked for other people - facial expression, eyes (particularly), and body language. She said that these didn't work and gave her confusing results, because I might be smiling, but have ice-cold eyes. She used posture, how I stood or sat, or moved, how I was breathing, the timing of my movements, patterns of movements. It didn't make much sense to me because internally I knew how I felt and didn't know or care how that outwardly appeared, but one day she said 'I know you're upset because you're sitting angry'. As far as I knew, I was just sitting, but she was right, I was angry. I was actually pushing myself into the seat harder than usual.
One thing for sure though, if there are times when you can tell how he is feeling, you have a foundation for learning how to read him. But you'll need to discard the preconceived ideas that come from observing everyone else, because they don't apply. He has a language that is very different from others.
The authenticity is, I think, what has attracted people to me, because it is something that can be trusted entirely, and that trust is really much harder to achieve with others. In your Aspie, you clearly know you've got the real deal, and perhaps your history has made you rather more sensitive to the lack of a foundation of trust, so you are attracted to this facet of him. If that is important to you, the fact that you haven't been able to read your Aspie, and misjudge his reactions to you because you've only just come to realise his difference, doesn't mean you can't, and won't learn how.
Your comment on focusing on when you laugh is a perfect example of how this works. In seeing the frustrations of mismatched expectations, perhaps it is easy to ignore the times when everything is right. It isn't the pit of frustrations that you would learn from, but a foundation of when things are good. That's the place to start.
Sorry, I may have missed some of your comments, but there is one thing I think relevant that I have seen posted in this thread - compatibility. In my view in practice, people are about as compatible, or not, as they choose to be, because unlike emotions, attitude, including how we relate to others, is a choice.
Edited to add:
BTW, the 'Causes of Autism' article you liked to does not do its own credibility any good by starting off declaring that autism is a disease. That view, expressed many times, does not do autistic people any good at all.
