Aspie boyfriend?

[AO1501]

Wow. You're right. I don't get it at all. I think it's endearing, to be honest. The closest I think I can understand is the mode I go into when I'm helping troubled kids. I was a respite care foster mother and I worked with violent, troubled kids. I had to go into a certain mode that was both compassionate, but methodical.

I get that, yes, except that for Aspies, we don't have a switch of different modes. It doesn't apply to us all, but we are typically logical, rational and analytical and these are hard-wired thought processes, because we are wired differently. So they dominate. I am fortunate that I have fairly good emotional control, and no fear of expressing it, but many aren't so lucky, and stumble with emotive content, and can't readily process it. Many (very many) years ago, my first girlfriend told me she loved me, and I knew what that meant, but it was an overwhelming concept, so I just stood there looking at her trying to process. She got upset because I didn't reply. Actually, I was trying to process it.

This is how it can seem difficult, particularly given that I am comfortable emotionally, where your Aspie isn't so much.

You have nothing to apologize for. I appreciate blunt. And if I'm doing something, call me out on it, please. I appreciate that. You're right, if it doesn't match what I think I assert my POV in order to be understood so that I can understand. Maybe that's not a useful way to go about it.

There's nothing wrong in how you set about this, just that you're dealing with Aspies here, and we're used to being told that no, we don't know ourselves, that we're wrong. I can appreciate your process, it just needed a different angle to see it.

Well, that's hopeful! Thanks. I have started to find him more and more endearing in the last few days. I just laugh.

That's the attitude thing again. If you decide there is hope, there is hope. And something as minor as one tell, should make clear that it is possible.

Wow. I don't think most people see it this way and your perspective is refreshing. People seem to think there's a magic chemistry and all is taken care of on its own. I've rarely found this to be the case.

There's no magic chemistry that I know of, but there is a something that brings people together and binds them. We might call it friendship at one level, or love at another, but we don't have a clue what it really is. And it is the choice of what attitude you take to your partner which is binary. Positive, negative. If positive, you can make, build, maintain compatibility as long as you're both heading the same way, and are honest with each other. If negative, no matter the feelings, nothing will work out.

 

[Any Fake]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input. Here I am in your space, asking questions and I'm grateful for giving me some insights.

Your story of your first girlfriend reminds me of my second date with my Aspie. I told him I was still married. His face completely changed and his demeanor completely changed. I felt incredibly uncomfortable for the rest of the date because he had withdrawn so much and gone quiet. I was 100% certain that he was no longer interested. It turned out he was processing and needed some time. Exactly as you describe. His way of processing looks to me as though he is completely disinterested.

I didn't hug him goodbye at the end because I felt awkward and foolish. He laughed out loud when I didn't hug him.

you're dealing with Aspies here, and we're used to being told that no, we don't know ourselves, that we're wrong

That's so sad.

I can relate. I'm used to being told that I'm a hypochondriac, as are all canaries (that's what we're called), which is basically being told we don't know our own bodies.

What a shame.

Can I ask you something? What do you get from being married? How does it fulfill you?

 

[AO1501]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input. Here I am in your space, asking questions and I'm grateful for giving me some insights.

As much as some will respond along the lines of 'oh, not another NT with an Aspie problem', most of us here will take the time and try and help because we want to. Just about every one of us has been misunderstood and stumbled over people confused, befuddled and often angry at us, just for being who we are. We can't help being different, but it isn't made easy, so when someone like yourself comes here to ask, because you care enough to want to know, I for one will always try. There is no room for our cynicism in your relationship. I see it as my chance to help you see your Aspie more clearly, just as I wish someone had done for me.

Your story of your first girlfriend reminds me of my second date with my Aspie. I told him I was still married. His face completely changed and his demeanor completely changed. I felt incredibly uncomfortable for the rest of the date because he had withdrawn so much and gone quiet. I was 100% certain that he was no longer interested. It turned out he was processing and needed some time. Exactly as you describe. His way of processing looks to me as though he is completely disinterested.

I didn't hug him goodbye at the end because I felt awkward and foolish. He laughed out loud when I didn't hug him.

It is so easy to misunderstand through the simple lens of lack of information.

I can relate. I'm used to being told that I'm a hypochondriac, as are all canaries (that's what we're called), which is basically being told we don't know our own bodies.

What a shame.

It happens to everyone where difference is palpable but not visible. No one can see you through any means but their own life and experiences, so they judge from within that small box.

Can I ask you something? What do you get from being married? How does it fulfill you?

Sadly I am no longer. My wife died last year from breast cancer, but even then it was after 5 years apart. She always said I'd be happier without her, and this is true of the person she became when she was first ill, but not of the person I loved (and still do) that I came all this way to be with.

This may sound an odd expression of what marriage did for me, but it made me feel very safe. I knew I was protected and secure. And she was so happy to be with me, that I felt like a whole one of me rather than just a part. But that's another part of growing up Aspie - people talk about what we can't do, not what we can, it certainly made me feel very small and damaged.

 

[Any Fake]

I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm sorry you lost your wife - both ways.

Marriage did the same for me - before it was bad. I felt safe and I felt like I belonged somewhere in the world.

 

[AO1501]

I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm sorry you lost your wife - both ways.

Marriage did the same for me - before it was bad. I felt safe and I felt like I belonged somewhere in the world.

What my wife did teach me, intentionally, was how to make myself safe, and make what was then our home, and is now my home, my safe place. I am always grateful she did that.

 

[Any Fake]

What does safe look like to you?

 

[AO1501]

What does safe look like to you?

That's an open question I really don't know how to answer. It is a place I can go and de-stress, where I can be me, without having to pretend, where I can regulate myself, yet meltdown if I have to, and can do those things without being judged, made to feel vulnerable, or a target. Much more too, but I have rarely been safe, even physically throughout my life, so this is important to me.