Aspies and casual sex

[Aspychata]

As far as casual sex being *cheap dirty* as one poster put it, l refuse to make judgement calls. I am not going to judge what people do in their private time. As long as no laws are being broken who am l to judge? Married men slept around on their wives at the private club l worked at all the time, it was the soup de jour.

 

[VictorR]

I concur with @Au Naturel and @Aspychata

And on another note

You can have casual sex with just one individual, maybe neither of you are looking for marriage or 24/7 in your face relationship. These are usually classifed as affairs.

The Canadian Equivalent of the U.S. Department of State is Global Affairs Canada

And from their homepage "We define, shape and advance Canada’s interests and values in a complex global environment."

Considering that Canada is a country who counts among its national symbols the beaver I wonder if that involves the use of femme fatales.

(Sorry for going off topic).

 

[BrokenBoy]

I've attempted to have casual sex twice. Don't ask why I said "attempted".

 

[Crossbreed]

Or wait for a good man to have a relationship with.

Any thoughts appreciated?

Go with plan B.

There is an emotional aspect in human sexuality that takes a beating from casual sexual relationships. Many people are too proud to admit it, but it has long-term effects (no matter how Stoic they try to be).

 

[Fino]

I had a period in my life after a horrific break-up in which I engaged in casual sex. I did so with four people, and all four of them ruined it by wanting to turn it into a relationship. I was on drugs and used no protection. It was all quite reckless.

 

[Ronin82]

I prefer casual sex to relationships, personally. I'm not capable of the intense deep feelings necessary for an intimate relationship, so I like casual encounters. They still don't happen as often as I'd like, and are still difficult to navigate since others get attached to me pretty fast, but ehh.....it's just how I roll.

 

[Tom]

I avoided it. For me, romance, sex and commitment are all linked. To try and have one without the others would set up an unsustainable situation, one which I could not feel right in.

 

[watersprite]

If you know for certain that you’re not in the right mindset or emotional place for a relationship then why not satisfy what you are in the mood for; and leave sex out of it for a while? (Gather data on yourself, as it were, to see if it’s sober companionship you arenmaybe yearning for?)
And as for satisfying physical needs - that may or may not happen - depends at least to aome extent on the partner.

 

[Jeremiah]

As long as there's mutual consent between people, what those people do with their bodies is their on business, and nobody else has any right to judge it.

 

[Primrose]

Thanks for all the replies. They all helped.

I decided its best to wait for a relationship. I know it might never happen, the loneliness is very hard but I don't think sex alone would bring any happiness.

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks for all the replies. They all helped.

I decided its best to wait for a relationship. I know it might never happen, the loneliness is very hard but I don't think sex alone would bring any happiness.

Happy that you came to a great choice for you. I never really found anybody l wanted in relationship -land. I was married 18 years and it pushed me away from men. Good luck on your journey.

 

[Primrose]

Happy that you came to a great choice for you. I never really found anybody l wanted in relationship -land. I was married 18 years and it pushed me away from men. Good luck on your journey.

Thanks for your kind words. I hope things work out well for you too.

 

[Magna]

I quite enjoyed it in my late teens and twenties even though I rather preferred the times when I was in a monogamous relationship over casual sex.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

OK, so I was reading this thread and a lot of negative emotions came out, mainly intense anger and bitterness because I was unable to do this when I was younger, and cannot do this now unless I would accept that my marriage is over. I am trying to unpack these emotions without much success. How do I even make progress in healing? I would not even know how to meet somebody for casual sex and even fantacize about heading to Bangkok to (family blog) a different bar girl each day for a month to make up for the experience I never could have. Unhealthy ideation?

 

[Crossbreed]

Unhealthy ideation?

Yes.

 

[Au Naturel]

OK, so I was reading this thread and a lot of negative emotions came out, mainly intense anger and bitterness because I was unable to do this when I was younger, and cannot do this now unless I would accept that my marriage is over. I am trying to unpack these emotions without much success. How do I even make progress in healing? I would not even know how to meet somebody for casual sex and even fantacize about heading to Bangkok to (family blog) a different bar girl each day for a month to make up for the experience I never could have. Unhealthy ideation?

Yeah. Unhealthy. Bitterness is always unhealthy, doesn't matter why.

You say you "can't" because you are married. Not true. You could but you've decided that it would destroy your marriage and that is more important. Great! You've found something that's really important to you! That's better than a lot of people. Be happy.

An unhappy person having a lot of sex with bar girls will still be unhappy at the end of the day.

The solution to bitterness is acceptance. Yup, it happened. Nothing to be done for it now. I was who I was, I made the decisions I made, the world was what it was and there couldn't be any other outcome. Being angry and bitter changes nothing and only hurts the present and poisons the future. Bitterness is closely related to the revenge instinct, only there's nobody to take revenge on.

But people tell themselves - or other people tell them - that they should be angry and bitter. They cling to this because they imagine that letting go of the negativity and accepting the past somehow justifies the past. Pretty soon the bitterness has become a part of their identity and letting it go is like chopping off a finger. You're not that person anymore, you're that bitter person.

I was lucky to have a few girlfriends in my late teens and twenties. I don't consider girlfriend sex to be casual because there is an attachment. Aside from that, I averaged having casual sex maybe twice a year. I suppose I could be bitter that that's all there was. An active casual sex life is something reserved for people with social skills and money and I had neither.

I'd be far more likely to be bitter about failing in higher education. In my own mind, I was destined to be a scientist and my own shortcomings shut that path down. I could be bitter about years of being the outcast at school. Or about physical and psychological abuse at home. How would it change anything? Yup, it happened. Kind of sucky at the time. Let it go and move on. Still have a present to deal with right now and a future ahead of me to do something with.

As for the fantasies, everyone has them. Even tired old men. Not to feel bad about them. You're allowed to play games in your mind.

 

[unperson]

Go with plan B.

There is an emotional aspect in human sexuality that takes a beating from casual sexual relationships. Many people are too proud to admit it, but it has long-term effects (no matter how Stoic they try to be).

A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find?

I have bonding issues due to psycho mommy, can feel a bit suffocated in relationships. If only I'd have a normalish parent....

 

[Primrose]

OK, so I was reading this thread and a lot of negative emotions came out, mainly intense anger and bitterness because I was unable to do this when I was younger, and cannot do this now unless I would accept that my marriage is over. I am trying to unpack these emotions without much success. How do I even make progress in healing? I would not even know how to meet somebody for casual sex and even fantacize about heading to Bangkok to (family blog) a different bar girl each day for a month to make up for the experience I never could have. Unhealthy ideation?

Hope you find healing. Do you really think a different girl each day would bring happiness?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Do you really think a different girl each day would bring happiness?

Well, many here seem to think that multiple partners are satisfying. I would be satisfied with a partner that showed some desire towards me and even initiated things without me having to ask. I hate to be put in the position of having to beg for anything. I have tried to talk about that with her, but she won't change. I have told her with age I don't feel the same excitement about her body and it would help if she would take the lead sometimes, but that has not gotten through. I'm running out of options, as I know I would only end up isolated if I quit the marriage.

 

[Crossbreed]

Well, many here seem to think that multiple partners are satisfying. I would be satisfied with a partner that showed some desire towards me and even initiated things without me having to ask. I hate to be put in the position of having to beg for anything. I have tried to talk about that with her, but she won't change. I have told her with age I don't feel the same excitement about her body and it would help if she would take the lead sometimes, but that has not gotten through. I'm running out of options, as I know I would only end up isolated if I quit the marriage.

Things were good between me and my wife for the first 17 years. (We had 11 children together.) She got late-onset depression and stopped "visiting" me altogether 15 years ago. I made a promise to love her in sickness and in health. I have no right to leave her.

If she finally ups and leaves me, that is an entirely different matter. But casual sex before or after is not the answer. That would just compound the injury.