Aspire husband clueless about boundaries with other single women

[Crossbreed]

But, I will keep trying to figure this out. It’s hard!!!

It's only been five years. There's still a lot of wrinkles to iron out.

 

[BraidedPony]

You aren’t paranoid.
A group should go, you and single males for this “friend” to focus her attention on instead of a married man.
Maybe some realtors will come upon her phone number and offer to list her home, sell her a nice place far away. Win-win.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

You aren’t paranoid.
A group should go, you and single males for this “friend” to focus her attention on instead of a married man.
Maybe some realtors will come upon her phone number and offer to list her home, sell her a nice place far away. Win-win.

Thank you for the laugh!

 

[Catherine Crowne]

It's only been five years. There's still a lot of wrinkles to iron out.

I guess you are right. Wow. I get so upset with myself.
Thank you for taking the time to help me.

 

[Kevin1968]

I've no idea of either your husband's or the widow's thoughts but personally I see no issue with a married person meeting a single person of the opposite sex, but I know from talking to her that my wife has a different view!

If a woman asked me to have a coffee or whatever with her (on some reasonable pretext such as a common interest) I would probably just go without even thinking that there she might have an ulterior motive. I would expect my wife to trust me to "behave", and as she has said I am so honest I would probably come home and tell her every detail anyway.

I would also trust my wife if she was to have coffee etc with another man, unlike me she is likely to more capable of deception but I would still trust her anyway.

 

[Pats]

It's very in appropriate and disrespectful to you and to your marriage. You're husband might not see it as such because he thinks it's completely innocent and maybe he's a bit naïve. Question I have is 'is this a change from before she was divorced?'

 

[Catherine Crowne]

I've no idea of either your husband's or the widow's thoughts but personally I see no issue with a married person meeting a single person of the opposite sex, but I know from talking to her that my wife has a different view!

If a woman asked me to have a coffee or whatever with her (on some reasonable pretext such as a common interest) I would probably just go without even thinking that there she might have an ulterior motive. I would expect my wife to trust me to "behave", and as she has said I am so honest I would probably come home and tell her every detail anyway.

I would also trust my wife if she was to have coffee etc with another man, unlike me she is likely to more capable of deception but I would still trust her anyway.

I appreciate your point of view.
But Im with your wife. We don’t like it.
I am smiling. This is a bit funny.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

It's very in appropriate and disrespectful to you and to your marriage. You're husband might not see it as such because he thinks it's completely innocent and maybe he's a bit naïve. Question I have is 'is this a change from before she was divorced?'

Yes, it is a change. They are friends and apparently they saw each other at events s, chatted, whatever (they are both self employed in the food and beverage industry.), but I never knew her to text him or ask if he was going to a particular show.
Things have changed. Though he denies that.
I tried talking to him about it. But he sees nothing wrong with it, nor feels she has changed.
I am tired of trying to convince him to at least consider my feelings, before a casual friendship.
But, first of all I don’t think he knows how to put up a boundary and second he despises feeling controlled.

 

[Kevin1968]

Thinking about this, which is probably more than I would do in real life situations I can envisage a few possibilities.
1, Nothing is happening but you are worried about how it looks to others?
2, It's entirely platonic on both sides, depending on how similar their business interests are they might have a lot of work issues that they want to share (although if they are potential competitors that might not be so advisable), however as they are both self-employed they both may be benefiting from having another persons viewpoint of their business and ways to improve things. Perhaps she used to discuss business with her ex-husband but now no longer has anyone to talk about work?
3, Your husband is unaware of her real intentions and she is trying to seduce him? Do you think he can be led astray? But never mind her intentions, the question is do you trust your husband?
4, It's not platonic. (but don't you think they would be hiding it more if that was the case?) Again before worrying about it, do you trust him?

Also why is it that women view other women (esp divorcees) with such suspicion? Do women have such high libidos that they will seduce any married man they can get and think other women will do the same?

"But, first of all I don’t think he knows how to put up a boundary and second he despises feeling controlled."
He probably has his own idea of where that boundary lies, unfortunately it's not where you think it should be. I don't think any of us like being controlled.

Incidentally my wife doesn't like that I am not the jealous type, (she has performed in amateur drama and kissed other men on stage and it doesn't bother me at all), but I trust her so why get jealous? Whereas when she catches me looking at a pretty woman in a miniskirt she gets mad, but even though the woman may be momentary fantasy if she was to turn around and kiss me I'd immediately reject her!!

I am probably wrong, but perhaps you should be inviting her to dinner etc., so that they are socialising where you know nothing is happening, you will likely be bored when they are constantly chatting about work, but at least you will know what they are doing together.

 

[All-Rounder]

It sounds like he is being played. I don't think he is seeking to cheat.

Autism is a "pervasive developmental disorder." What that means is that some parts of our brain/behavior does not mature at its expected rate. The higher functioning of us have enough traits that have so matured to compensate for the traits that have not.

I am married and have a bunch of kids, but (it seems like) I still view other women through the eyes of a 12-13yo.

I do not know how to bring that to your husband's attention, though.

Don't you mean 6-7 year old? 12-13 y o are scary dirty. Was your generation not?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Thinking about this, which is probably more than I would do in real life situations I can envisage a few possibilities.
1, Nothing is happening but you are worried about how it looks to others?
2, It's entirely platonic on both sides, depending on how similar their business interests are they might have a lot of work issues that they want to share (although if they are potential competitors that might not be so advisable), however as they are both self-employed they both may be benefiting from having another persons viewpoint of their business and ways to improve things. Perhaps she used to discuss business with her ex-husband but now no longer has anyone to talk about work?
3, Your husband is unaware of her real intentions and she is trying to seduce him? Do you think he can be led astray? But never mind her intentions, the question is do you trust your husband?
4, It's not platonic. (but don't you think they would be hiding it more if that was the case?) Again before worrying about it, do you trust him?

Also why is it that women view other women (esp divorcees) with such suspicion? Do women have such high libidos that they will seduce any married man they can get and think other women will do the same?

"But, first of all I don’t think he knows how to put up a boundary and second he despises feeling controlled."
He probably has his own idea of where that boundary lies, unfortunately it's not where you think it should be. I don't think any of us like being controlled.

Incidentally my wife doesn't like that I am not the jealous type, (she has performed in amateur drama and kissed other men on stage and it doesn't bother me at all), but I trust her so why get jealous? Whereas when she catches me looking at a pretty woman in a miniskirt she gets mad, but even though the woman may be momentary fantasy if she was to turn around and kiss me I'd immediately reject her!!

I am probably wrong, but perhaps you should be inviting her to dinner etc., so that they are socialising where you know nothing is happening, you will likely be bored when they are constantly chatting about work, but at least you will know what they are doing together.

On the #1 idea. I agree on that. I am concerned about what others will think.
On the #2 you are most likely right.
I believe I need to “cool my jets” and just trust my husband.
Yes, many women feel threatened by “other women” I guess I feel that she is vulnerable to making a mistake due to her emotions after her recent breakup.
I actually sat down with my husband and we talked about it.
He does despise a sense of being contrill and not trusted.
I have received great insight and support from everyone who gave advice and opinions.
I appreciate all!
It helps to get perspective from others who can relate.

 

[paloftoon]

Society makes this circumstance inappropriate because some people are likely to cheat or even want to cheat. You don't have to be comfortable. You do need to be able to stand up for yourself when it comes to respect though.

You can tell him that in this situation, it's okay and totally appropriate for me to be jealous and paranoid because you're my husband, I love you, and I'm looking for something monogomous and mutual. I've made efforts to limit my contact with the opposite sex to an extreme, and I expect you to do the same. This is not unreasonable to ask, whether you like it or not. Some other couples might be different, but this is about me and you in a partnership. Not anyone else. If at least one of us feels uncomfortable, the other one should not be so pushy. You can have some private time in public places where other males are present and you are going in a group of people. I am not okay with you being alone with another female without other people of both sexes that you are also going with in public places only.

To be able to say all this and even bring it to a bigger extreme if it gets that far, you have to be willing to go all the way if you have to. Say, if he doesn't listen to you, then should you consider breaking up? Or, would you be okay letting him know that you are going to start hanging with males alone since he feels okay doing that with females? These are decisions you need to make yourself, but I'm trying to help you know what your options are morally. I get the feeling that you hanging out with males in response and letting him know beforehand is not the option you want to go with though- otherwise you would've already tried that before posting on this forum.

 

[Pats]

Yes, it is a change. They are friends and apparently they saw each other at events s, chatted, whatever (they are both self employed in the food and beverage industry.), but I never knew her to text him or ask if he was going to a particular show.
Things have changed. Though he denies that.
I tried talking to him about it. But he sees nothing wrong with it, nor feels she has changed.
I am tired of trying to convince him to at least consider my feelings, before a casual friendship.
But, first of all I don’t think he knows how to put up a boundary and second he despises feeling controlled.

I understand the difficulty with boundaries and being controlled. He also probably feels like you don't trust him. BUT I totally understand how you feel. I'm thinking of him as an aspie, because there's usually a little naivety about other people and their deceptiveness.
BUT, this friend of his - I wouldn't trust any further than I could throw her. I would try one more heart felt talk with him, explaining that you know how a woman thinks and she is hurt and angry and wants to get back at, not only her husband, but the world and won't care who she hurts in the process. Tell him, you do trust him, but it would be a good idea to not be alone with her right now. Also, I guess it is possible that she still wants to go to these shows but doesn't want to be there alone - in which case, no one should have a problem if you were to go along. How is she toward you?

 

[Pats]

My ex was having inappropriate conversations with an old flame. Not horrible, but things like, "Yes, I've been thinking about you, too and every time I pass by the places we used to frequent I think about you. I've been wearing the ring you gave me., I still have the picture you painted. etc" I didn't like it and I asked him to delete her phone number, email address from his phone and computer. He said he understood and he agreed, but only if I would help with a financial problem he was having with the time. (I didn't want to because I was already paying the house payment and all the bills and groceries and he once handed me $7 to help get some groceries because we were also feeding his sister, but I agreed to just so he would do what I asked). He never deleted anything so finally I deleted everything for him and he was furious. He should have done it himself and I have this thing about people keeping their word - if they don't, I end up somehow making sure they do. Always gets me in trouble.

 

[BraidedPony]

Anyone, no matter how pure of heart, can be tempted.

 

[paloftoon]

There certainly are trust issues to say that I don't want you to be with an old flame or what not (without me being there in-person the entire time), but it is reasonable to these kind of trust issues in these kind of scenarios.

In essence, you aren't barring them from being in contact at all, which would be inappropriate. Rather, you are barring them from being together in-person alone. I think you can let them video chat, computer chat, and phone chat "alone", but in-person, you have to be there or at least a big group of people in a public place only is acceptable.

You can choose to have these trust issues or not. We are all human. Some may go all the way or even make a nip here or there or say inappropriate thoughts leaning toward what is not appropriate but not carrying them out. You and your husband make the rules, and if you don't feel comfortable with this possibility, you need to stand by it in this case. Just keep repeating that it's not okay. If he doesn't listen, you have to be prepared to take more serious actions and steps toward breaking off the relationship so that your word and feelings can be taken seriously.

A quality relationship is all about discussing these kind of issues and nuances and working them out where both people's feelings can be respected.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

There certainly are trust issues to say that I don't want you to be with an old flame or what not (without me being there in-person the entire time), but it is reasonable to these kind of trust issues in these kind of scenarios.

In essence, you aren't barring them from being in contact at all, which would be inappropriate. Rather, you are barring them from being together in-person alone. I think you can let them video chat, computer chat, and phone chat "alone", but in-person, you have to be there or at least a big group of people in a public place only is acceptable.

You can choose to have these trust issues or not. We are all human. Some may go all the way or even make a nip here or there or say inappropriate thoughts leaning toward what is not appropriate but not carrying them out. You and your husband make the rules, and if you don't feel comfortable with this possibility, you need to stand by it in this case. Just keep repeating that it's not okay. If he doesn't listen, you have to be prepared to take more serious actions and steps toward breaking off the relationship so that your word and feelings can be taken seriously.

A quality relationship is all about discussing these kind of issues and nuances and working them out where both people's feelings can be respected.

We did end up talking about it. I don’t believe is his going to be alone with her. He stated to me that he may go to a concert that she will be at, but he won’t necessarily hang out with her. (Which I don’t believe, because she’s lonely right now), but I do not like to give ultimatums.
I plan on getting out more. I do tend to be a homebody. Or feel like I have to include him in everything. I am going to do things with other friends, starting ASAP.
And if a guy wants to come along then ok!!!

 

[Catherine Crowne]

There certainly are trust issues to say that I don't want you to be with an old flame or what not (without me being there in-person the entire time), but it is reasonable to these kind of trust issues in these kind of scenarios.

In essence, you aren't barring them from being in contact at all, which would be inappropriate. Rather, you are barring them from being together in-person alone. I think you can let them video chat, computer chat, and phone chat "alone", but in-person, you have to be there or at least a big group of people in a public place only is acceptable.

You can choose to have these trust issues or not. We are all human. Some may go all the way or even make a nip here or there or say inappropriate thoughts leaning toward what is not appropriate but not carrying them out. You and your husband make the rules, and if you don't feel comfortable with this possibility, you need to stand by it in this case. Just keep repeating that it's not okay. If he doesn't listen, you have to be prepared to take more serious actions and steps toward breaking off the relationship so that your word and feelings can be taken seriously.

A quality relationship is all about discussing these kind of issues and nuances and working them out where both people's feelings can be respected.

We have discussed it. But he is upset that I don’t trust him. I emphasized that I don’t trust her. I barely know her and what I do know is that she is kind of a bossy, grumpy type. Lol.
I personally don’t like her.
I have decided to start doing my own things.
Going places with friends, male or not. Not to play games, but to do my own things.
I have restricted myself.
Why?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Anyone, no matter how pure of heart, can be tempted.

I agree. But I guess I can’t babysit him.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

My ex was having inappropriate conversations with an old flame. Not horrible, but things like, "Yes, I've been thinking about you, too and every time I pass by the places we used to frequent I think about you. I've been wearing the ring you gave me., I still have the picture you painted. etc" I didn't like it and I asked him to delete her phone number, email address from his phone and computer. He said he understood and he agreed, but only if I would help with a financial problem he was having with the time. (I didn't want to because I was already paying the house payment and all the bills and groceries and he once handed me $7 to help get some groceries because we were also feeding his sister, but I agreed to just so he would do what I asked). He never deleted anything so finally I deleted everything for him and he was furious. He should have done it himself and I have this thing about people keeping their word - if they don't, I end up somehow making sure they do. Always gets me in trouble.

Sounds like he was a true loser.