Clearly I am late to comment, but I think it is worth noting that in relationships not everything could and should be explained or discussed in relation to autism. Relationships are complicated and only the two people involved really know what is going on. It is always a dynamic of interaction and counteraction between the two individual. We are talking about mature consenting adults, who navigated their way into independent living, jobs, long term relationships. I guess I am trying to say he is quite well functioning, he achieved a level of life experience and functioning that in my opinion would involve understanding subtleties of jealousy and social norms.
I think he is playing you, Catherine. There is an element of mind games here that you need to tackle regardless of autism.
...he does not seem to understand that she is using him to fill a void. Let alone disrespecting me.
My stomach is in knots and I have such distress.
It is an assumption that he doesn't understand and it is not necessary to use autism to excuse away the unacceptable behavior. It sounds like he intends it to be totally innocent, but he ought to be aware of social norms. Doing this sends all the wrong messages to that woman and to others, it humiliates you in public and he should absolutely be aware of this and not cross this boundary.
He should know, be aware it is distressing for you, it should be a clear no go area as well. He should realize that and never go there. I mean never do things that distress you because he wouldn't want you to do thing that could distress him.
You mentioned that he resists being controlled and doing this could be his way to assert some autonomy and show his independence. Relationship dynamic is complex and some of it could be triggered by earlier incidents. Is it possible that he felt that way when you did something that appeared innocent to you, but felt a betrayal to him? Not even necessarily in terms of going out with male friends, but breaching some other safety boundaries of his? I am just asking.
I am actually furious. ..But I don’t believe in confronting people or making demands or ultimatums. I feel my hands are tied.
I honestly feel he doesn’t get it.
Why do you say your hands are tight? Of course they aren't. Communicating openly about issues that matter is an expectation of a genuine relationship.
If it is so distressing for you, surely you need to assert your needs and boundaries. Of course you need to be vocal and assertive about this. It should be clear, otherwise it sounds like a mind game.
He may feel that you are playing some sort of passive aggressive mind game where you hide your feelings and expectations from him, that get angry and blame him for not knowing them. It may feel manipulative to an aspie.
I am actually furious...I honestly feel he doesn’t get it.
If you use the argument of his autism as a reason for blaming him, it could add even more unhealthy dynamic into the relationship.
He could be counteracting to this, pretending to not 'get' anything while actually understanding that he is hurting you, obviously being out of line.
I think you should look into some advice into handling such mind games situation as if your husband was not autistic.
The first thing in my opinion is to talk openly and clear the air about this mind game dynamic, to reestablish the boundaries and respecting each-others needs.
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