Aspire husband clueless about boundaries with other single women

[Pats]

Sounds like he was a true loser.

yes - notice the 'ex'. And I don't like games but in this case and with him not considering your feelings, I probably would put the shoe on the other foot. Or at least point out what if the shoe were on the other foot.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

I understand the difficulty with boundaries and being controlled. He also probably feels like you don't trust him. BUT I totally understand how you feel. I'm thinking of him as an aspie, because there's usually a little naivety about other people and their deceptiveness.
BUT, this friend of his - I wouldn't trust any further than I could throw her. I would try one more heart felt talk with him, explaining that you know how a woman thinks and she is hurt and angry and wants to get back at, not only her husband, but the world and won't care who she hurts in the process. Tell him, you do trust him, but it would be a good idea to not be alone with her right now. Also, I guess it is possible that she still wants to go to these shows but doesn't want to be there alone - in which case, no one should have a problem if you were to go along. How is she toward you?

I don’t like her at all always found her to be abrasive.
I doubt he will hang out alone with her again. I stated very clear that it disrespects me.
He told me that she let him know about some concerts she is going to that he may like. But he told me “we are not going together.”
I noticed there is a reggae concert this Friday night and I am working an overnight shift.
He hasn’t mentioned that he may be going, but I bet he is. And I know she is because she loves reggae.
So he didn’t ask me, because he knows I’ll be working.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

yes - notice the 'ex'. And I don't like games but in this case and with him not considering your feelings, I probably would put the shoe on the other foot. Or at least point out what if the shoe were on the other foot.

I hear you. The thing is, he is not the jealous type. And he just can not understand why I would feel this way.

 

[Crossbreed]

Don't you mean 6-7 year old? 12-13 y o are scary dirty. Was your generation not?

At 12-13, I was strongly attracted to women, but still was not sure what to do with one...!

(And I was embarrassed at the thought of getting naked with one...

)

 

[Streetwise]

help! A newly divorced woman that was a neighbor of ours is now calling and texting my husband. She has suggested they do some things together , but he’s been busy.
Last night, she called to have him check in her son who was w her ex husband. And told him to call her back. He ran over, everything was fine and called her back. She then suggested that he check out a concert she’s going to.
She may be able I get him a ticket.
I am hurt.
He tells me I am paranoid and jealous.
Why oh why can not he respect my feelings????

do you know if he is of a Faith? I ask as it will be depend on what that faith teaches about a married man communicating with unmarried women ! as he is psychologically very immature and I am also ,you will have to teach him in the way you think a boy would understand .

 

[Catherine Crowne]

do you know if he is of a Faith? I ask as it will be depend on what that faith teaches about a married man communicating with unmarried women ! as he is psychologically very immature and I am also ,you will have to teach him in the way you think a boy would understand .

He is agnostic. I believe he is fairly mature. He just really is too trusting. Doesn’t get that NTs can often have alterior motives.

 

[All-Rounder]

At 12-13, I was strongly attracted to women, but still was not sure what to do with one...!

(And I was embarrassed at the thought of getting naked with one...

)

Sounds as though he would be looking for something with them if he engages them too much despite his desires, if he has the desires you are mentioning. Then it makes no sense that he doesn't have an interest in cheating, neither that he is clueless. Especially if he knows it bothers her.

By 'not sure what to do with one' are you saying that you don't perceive yourself as being married, and you don't know what not to say to other women?

------------------------------------------------

He could be clueless about how cheating happens and how little he needs to expect it for it to actually happen. All it needs is just one wrong moment. One slip. He seems unprepared too, information-wise, and unaware. He is taking her for granted and it could very well end in a bigger mistake than this.

Confrontation 1: I would probably offer to him the possibility for him to date her, and me to back away and allow him a life with that woman, if he deep down wants it but doesn't want to hurt me.

2: If he chooses to stay with me then I would tell him what I want from this relationship, what the goal is, there are other people that I can try to make it happen with, if he doesn't want to build it with me. And if he decides to leave then I would let him go because he doesn't sound like hes that into you.

I read somewhere men need to constantly be reminded what you want from day 1 until they make it happen. Need to be vocal and confrontational, not scared to dump if he doesn't back himself up in the more important things to you.

Some people like my dad act that way, ridicule the woman for worrying about it, but still cheat.

My aspie boyfriend tries not to show hes jealous, but he is, more than normal levels. Hes too proud to show it, and used to be too ashamed to tell me, but when he does its surprising. I think its nearly impossible for anyone to not feel jealousy.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Rexi , I'm confused.

I still view other women through the eyes of a 12-13yo.

I was speaking where I am with women, as an example. Catherine's husband is not likely at the exact same place.

At 12-13, I was strongly attracted to women, but still was not sure what to do with one...!

That is, I didn't have an explicit understanding of sexual relations.

If somebody would have explained it to me,

I was embarrassed at the thought of getting naked with one...

Though I am at ease with my wife (and I know how sex works), I would still feel awkward being naked around any other woman.

Even being a caregiver to my ASD3, nubile, 24yo daughter (and her nudity) took some adjustment.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Sounds as though he would be looking for something with them if he engages them too much despite his desires, if he has the desires you are mentioning. Then it makes no sense that he doesn't have an interest in cheating, neither that he is clueless. Especially if he knows it bothers her.

By 'not sure what to do with one' are you saying that you don't perceive yourself as being married, and you don't know what not to say to other women?

------------------------------------------------

He could be clueless about how cheating happens and how little he needs to expect it for it to actually happen. All it needs is just one wrong moment. One slip. He seems unprepared too, information-wise, and unaware. He is taking her for granted and it could very well end in a bigger mistake than this.

Confrontation 1: I would probably offer to him the possibility for him to date her, and me to back away and allow him a life with that woman, if he deep down wants it but doesn't want to hurt me.

2: If he chooses to stay with me then I would tell him what I want from this relationship, what the goal is, there are other people that I can try to make it happen with, if he doesn't want to build it with me. And if he decides to leave then I would let him go because he doesn't sound like hes that into you.

I read somewhere men need to constantly be reminded what you want from day 1 until they make it happen. Need to be vocal and confrontational, not scared to dump if he doesn't back himself up in the more important things to you.

Some people like my dad act that way, ridicule the woman for worrying about it, but still cheat.

My aspie boyfriend tries not to show hes jealous, but he is, more than normal levels. Hes too proud to show it, and used to be too ashamed to tell me, but when he does its surprising. I think its nearly impossible for anyone to not feel jealousy.

I am thoroughly confused. Not sure who you are replying to. But you have some interesting food for thought in your reply.

 

[All-Rounder]

@Rexi , I'm confused.

That is, I didn't have an explicit understanding of sexual relations.

If somebody would have explained it to me,

But no one does.
Do you mean in adulthood too? I don't understand what that would translate to into adulthood considering you knew what a relationship meant, unless you dated not knowing what dating really is?

 

[All-Rounder]

I am thoroughly confused. Not sure who you are replying to. But you have some interesting food for thought in your reply.

First section before the line was in reply to crossbreed, the rest was intended for you.

 

[Crossbreed]

unless you dated not knowing what dating really is?

I never really dated until after I got married (dates with my wife).

Prior to marriage, my thoughts were like, "I want to be next to that woman every chance that I get!" not "I want to get that woman in bed."

NT sexual pursuit seems different to me.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Sounds as though he would be looking for something with them if he engages them too much despite his desires, if he has the desires you are mentioning. Then it makes no sense that he doesn't have an interest in cheating, neither that he is clueless. Especially if he knows it bothers her.

By 'not sure what to do with one' are you saying that you don't perceive yourself as being married, and you don't know what not to say to other women?

------------------------------------------------

He could be clueless about how cheating happens and how little he needs to expect it for it to actually happen. All it needs is just one wrong moment. One slip. He seems unprepared too, information-wise, and unaware. He is taking her for granted and it could very well end in a bigger mistake than this.

Confrontation 1: I would probably offer to him the possibility for him to date her, and me to back away and allow him a life with that woman, if he deep down wants it but doesn't want to hurt me.

2: If he chooses to stay with me then I would tell him what I want from this relationship, what the goal is, there are other people that I can try to make it happen with, if he doesn't want to build it with me. And if he decides to leave then I would let him go because he doesn't sound like hes that into you.

I read somewhere men need to constantly be reminded what you want from day 1 until they make it happen. Need to be vocal and confrontational, not scared to dump if he doesn't back himself up in the more important things to you.

Some people like my dad act that way, ridicule the woman for worrying about it, but still cheat.

My aspie boyfriend tries not to show hes jealous, but he is, more than normal levels. Hes too proud to show it, and used to be too ashamed to tell me, but when he does its surprising. I think its nearly impossible for anyone to not feel jealousy.

Well I would never offer a man I am married to, to experiment with another woman. I’d just leave, if it came down to that.
I’m not going to wait for someone to choose. I’ll choose for you.
I did discuss what I wanted for us. Basically a safe relationship that includes love, respect, trust, patience, growth, peace and exploration of the world!
I told him that I have created boundaries out of respect for him and I would appreciate the same. But if he can’t do that, to let me know.
Then I can move on.
I realize we do need to check in every once in a while.
I also need to be more independent.
I was raised quite old fashioned.
I need to be a bit more liberal!
I know he loves me. We get along quite nicely and really like each other.
He just doesn’t always understand boundaries.

 

[All-Rounder]

I never really dated until after I got married (dates with my wife).

Prior to marriage, my thoughts were like, "I want to be next to that woman every chance that I get!" not "I want to get that woman in bed."

NT sexual pursuit seems different to me.

Because you enjoyed the feelings without the actual sexual act?
I perceived that as falling in love, when it happened to me. Not just attraction, maybe I just think of attraction to someone as just physical not as the person as a whole. So it can happen toward someone whose personality I dont even know, but it doesn't translate to 'i want to be next to them every chance I get'.

 

[All-Rounder]

Well I would never offer a man I am married to, to experiment with another woman. I’d just leave, if it came down to that.
I’m not going to wait for someone to choose. I’ll choose for you.
I did discuss what I wanted for us. Basically a safe relationship that includes love, respect, trust, patience, growth, peace and exploration of the world!
I told him that I have created boundaries out of respect for him and I would appreciate the same. But if he can’t do that, to let me know.
Then I can move on.
I realize we do need to check in every once in a while.
I also need to be more independent.
I was raised quite old fashioned.
I need to be a bit more liberal!
I know he loves me. We get along quite nicely and really like each other.
He just doesn’t always understand boundaries.

I don't mean to experiment in order for him to make a decision, I mean offer to simply remove yourself completely, so he can go date her, if he wants that. Like let him know you wont stand in the way if he wants to date her. Because just holding you on the side would be faking and unproductive, if it is her who he wants and no longer loves you.

But from what youre saying it seems you have done a lot of nice work discussing with him.

 

[Crossbreed]

Because you enjoyed the feelings without the actual sexual act?

Because those feelings were the only thing that I understood.

(My wife had to initiate kissing before I knew it was okay.)

 

[Catherine Crowne]

I don't mean to experiment in order for him to make a decision, I mean offer to simply remove yourself completely, so he can go date her, if he wants that. Like let him know you wont stand in the way if he wants to date her. Because just holding you on the side would be faking and unproductive, if it is her who he wants and no longer loves you.

But from what youre saying it seems you have done a lot of nice work discussing with him.

Yes, I see that as an idea if he stated he actually was attracted to her. But he has made it clear he is not. I am just upset because she is not respecting boundaries.

 

[Lydia Z]

was this friendship going on before her divorce or after?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

was this friendship going on before her divorce or after?

He was best friends at one time with her ex. Then he became friends with both of them.
He hung out without them a little.
Eventually, he and his friend drifted apart. He would see her at an event here and there.
But, they never texted or hung out without her husband there.
Now she texts him info on concerts that she is going to, that he might like.
She texted him to come out and dance
One night when she was at a club.
IDK, my husband told me it’s no big deal. Time will tell, I guess.
I hear that auties are pretty truthful and loyal. So......

 

[Crossbreed]

I hear that auties are pretty truthful and loyal. So......

This is true in terms of "intention," but we can be seduced.