Being and living asexual

[onlything]

I haven't been in any relationships at all, so does that make me asexual as well? I'm pretty sure I'm not, and that this failure of mine has been largely due to how utterly clueless I am when it comes to understanding things like flirting, body language, what people really want (as opposed to what they say they want), how relationships actually work, et cetera. What doesn't make sense to me is how anyone can still crave romance if they are asexual. If they happen to be male and want a romantic relationship with a female, doesn't that make them hetero?

You seem to confuse romantic relationship and a (purely) sexual one. Relationship doesn't exactly mean that there needs to be sex involved. There are people that wish for a relationship where the physical arousal is rare or non-existent. As such, there are couples with a strong emotional and sentimental connection but that do not engage in sexual activities. Sex is often a part of a relationship but it is not a requirement.

You could compare it to some of the cultural and religious beliefs about not having sex before marriage. The relationship before the marriage is still a romantic relationship despite the lack of sex. The difference here is that asexual people experience little to no sexual desire and often stay in (purely) platonic relationships.

 

[Otenba]

Wanting to be romantic and wanting to have sex with someone are very different things. This is why terms like asexual and aromantic exist. These things are not black and white either; they're a spectrum like we have for autism. Some people consider themselves demisexual (only become sexually attracted to someone they know very well), or greysexual (where they are somewhere between being asexual and kind of interested in sex). This is only a few examples of many different terms that are used by people who do not feel they fit the status quo.

A specific to asexuality chart is here:

 

[GrownupGirl]

I read that asexuality diesn't exist, that it's made up by teens who just don't feel like going on a date, and that you can't be asexual if you feel any attraction or even the tiniest bit of sexual pleasure at all, and that it's like saying you're agender even though you have genitals. What do you think?

 

[Crossbreed]

Without going into detail, I know there is a Biblical [New Testament] model for asexuality, but it seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

Being a survivor of molestation, I think that some people wrongly believe themselves to be asexual when they are really just gun-shy (NPI) due to associated trauma and/or shame.

Further, PDD could cause one to not mature past their childhood repulsion of the opposite sex to a level of appreciation necessary for such behavior.

They have a functioning libido/sexual appetite, but are put off by the vulnerability required to "seal the deal."

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Isn't romance (ultimately) based upon sex though?

No. For you it may be, but for many people it really isn't. If it is possible to have sex without love, why wouldn't it be possible to have love without sex? Asexual people date, have relationships, get married, and get divorced just like everyone else.

 

[Monachopia]

I read that asexuality diesn't exist, that it's made up by teens who just don't feel like going on a date, and that you can't be asexual if you feel any attraction or even the tiniest bit of sexual pleasure at all, and that it's like saying you're agender even though you have genitals. What do you think?

No, that's not true. My sister realised she was asexual in her 20's and she is 36 now. The literature you read probably came from an uninformed source, or one that is trying to push a certain narrative. These damaging narratives exist, for the longest time there was a misguided notion that homosexuality can be 'cured'. That is not the case. People are genetically predisposed to be attracted to their own gender... So why can't people be genetically predisposed not to have that innate desire to have sex and/or reproduce? It's perfectly plausible.
Also attraction (i.e. finding someone pretty/beautiful) is more an aesthetic appreciation and doesn't have to include anything else. Finding someone aesthetically pleasing and interesting doesn't necessarily equate to sexual desire.

Also, don't equate it to the gender identity issues, they are not the same.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I read that asexuality diesn't exist, that it's made up by teens who just don't feel like going on a date, and that you can't be asexual if you feel any attraction or even the tiniest bit of sexual pleasure at all, and that it's like saying you're agender even though you have genitals. What do you think?

I think that whoever wrote that clearly knows nothing about asexuality, and is more tgan a bit of an idiot. Any time spent in a the asexual community (off tumbler) would show that asexual people are young, old, and everywhere inbetween (just like any other orientation), and have been such their entire lives. Also there is a growing body of peer reviewed research that firmly establishes asexuality as a valid orientation, and has established that approximately 1% of the population is asexual. And asexual people can feel sexual pleasure.

 

[Xerces Blue]

This coming from someone who is sexual, sometimes romantic other times not - depends on the person.
I know there are asexual people(to each his/her own) and those that think they don't exist are fooling themselves.
And you can have romantic relationships without sex - just make sure both parties understand and are okay with that or you're going to run into problems.

 

[Fino]

I think a big problem is in the word "asexual". People read the word then draw conclusions.

It's sort of like a debate I saw on Facebook recently where two people were debating passionately beneath an article and it was clear they both had only read the headline. I had happened to read the article prior, which is why I even looked at the debate happening, but for someone who actually read it, nothing they said made sense to the point that it was laughable.

Exactly the same as many of the comments on asexuality here.

 

[Xerces Blue]

I think a big problem is in the word "asexual". People read the word then draw conclusions.

It's sort of like a debate I saw on Facebook recently where two people were debating passionately beneath an article and it was clear they both had only read the headline. I had happened to read the article prior, which is why I even looked at the debate happening, but for someone who actually read it, nothing they said made sense to the point that it was laughable.

Exactly the same as many of the comments on asexuality here.

That's a very good point.
My definition would be "not having or having VERY little desire or requirement for sex"
I don't connect sex with intimacy.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

can't really say that someone who spends their days fapping is really asexual. masturbation is a sexual act. if you're arousing yourself unto an orgasm your definitely having sexual feelings about someone...or something.

romance without the desire for sex isn't romance. that's called friendship. intimacy is not a synonym for sex, it means having an emotional closeness or bond.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

There are people that wish for a relationship where the physical arousal is rare or non-existent. As such, there are couples with a strong emotional and sentimental connection but that do not engage in sexual activities. Sex is often a part of a relationship but it is not a requirement.

….friendship

You could compare it to some of the cultural and religious beliefs about not having sex before marriage. The relationship before the marriage is still a romantic relationship despite the lack of sex.

those in such an arrangement have a genuine desire for sex and look forward to the time when they can have it. they simply refrain from the act until the lawful time. asexuals don't want it at all under any circumstances.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

romance without the desire for sex isn't romance. that's called friendship. intimacy is not a synonym for sex, it means having an emotional closeness or bond.

And yet somehow I've never heard of friends dating, getting married, sleeping in the same bed, having children together, kissing etc. Most people would say people who do that aren't in fact friends, but are in a romantic relationship.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

asexuals don't want it at all under any circumstances.

Not true. At least do a bit of research before making statements as if you know all about a subject.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I think a big problem is in the word "asexual". People read the word then draw conclusions.

It's sort of like a debate I saw on Facebook recently where two people were debating passionately beneath an article and it was clear they both had only read the headline. I had happened to read the article prior, which is why I even looked at the debate happening, but for someone who actually read it, nothing they said made sense to the point that it was laughable.

Exactly the same as many of the comments on asexuality here.

I once saw someone arguing against the use of the word 'asexual' for an orientation because "asexual already has a meaning it means not having any sexual organs!" Which cracked me up because that is not even the actual biological definition of asexual.

 

[Fino]

can't really say that someone who spends their days fapping is really asexual. masturbation is a sexual act. if you're arousing yourself unto an orgasm your definitely having sexual feelings about someone...or something.

romance without the desire for sex isn't romance. that's called friendship. intimacy is not a synonym for sex, it means having an emotional closeness or bond.

It would be exhausting to reply to every incorrect statement in this thread with an in-depth explanation for why, but you're objectively wrong and if you'd like to know why, research is awesome!

 

[Bronzelincolns]

And yet somehow I've never heard of friends dating, getting married, sleeping in the same bed, having children together, kissing etc. Most people would say people who do that aren't in fact friends, but are in a romantic relationship.

so they're having sex and reproducing to have children but have no desire for sex. well, i'll allow you to hold on to that contradiction if you wish.

Not true. At least do a bit of research before making statements as if you know all about a subject.

right, people who don't want to have sex have sex anyway, and qualify as being asexual.

as you wish..

 

[Bronzelincolns]

It would be exhausting to reply to every incorrect statement in this thread with an in-depth explanation for why, but you're objectively wrong and if you'd like to know why, research is awesome!

right, masturbation is not a sexual act.

believe as you will, i'm not here to change your minds. you're gonna have a hard time selling this to someone else though.

 

[Monachopia]

@Bronzelincolns sometimes, if you don't agree with something, but know it might be hurtful to someone else... it's better not to say anything at all and walk away... hint, hint.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

so they're having sex and reproducing to have children but have no desire for sex. well, i'll allow you to hold on to that contradiction if you wish.
right, people who don't want to have sex have sex anyway, and qualify as being asexual.

as you wish..

Firstly it is possible to have children without having sex, artificial insemination is a thing, so is adoption. Secondly, people have sex with people they're not attracted to all the time. Gay people have been getting married to the opposite sex and having obligatory sex in order to stay "in the closet" since marriage and laws against homosexuality began, and that is only one amongst many reasons. Lastly, please do some research instead of stating your ignorant opinions as fact.