Being Female and on the Spectrum - Social Problems With Other Females

[vindexa]

After attempting a search and coming up with nothing that matched what I was looking for, I decided to start a topic concerning females who are on the spectrum and see if anyone else has had similar issues. It seems that basically everywhere I go and meet other women, while some may seem nice and friendly at first, they end up being condescending, snarky, and rude to me. In some cases, they even end up avoiding me or try to cause problems, especially in work situations. This is very confusing for me because I have never done anything or acted in a way that is deserving of being treated that way.

Yes, I admit that my social skills are lacking and do not fit with other women in their late 20s. Small talk and non-verbal communication are not easy for me and are often quite confusing, but I don't think I come across as being so socially offensive that my own gender feels the need to treat me like a second class citizen. Quite frequently I feel like other women look down on me and think that they are far superior to me.

What is funny is that male coworkers have always seemed to really enjoy talking to me, and I feel so much more comfortable talking to guys. The way they communicate is much more direct and simple compared to the ways most women converse. Perhaps in some cases it is a jealousy issue, as there have been a couple of male co-workers who suspected that in one case, but if that is so, then that is really petty and immature.

I am gay anyway, so it's not like I am really a threat when it comes to men's attention. Everyone does tend to assume I am straight though, and I don't flaunt or make it a point to tell people I am gay. I never really felt the need to do so. Have any other females with aspergers/high functioning autism or anyone who knows females on the spectrum had this issue, or is it just me? I have a few friends, but they are all guys and I would really like some same gender friends, but that seems nearly impossible for me.

 

[DarkLady]

I have also had this happen, but I think girls/women do that to everyone else who is female, even if she doesn't have Aspergers.

 

[Ereth]

This is essentially what high school was like for me, and I wasn't even aware of my ASD at the time. But I believe that the girls who bullied me felt threatened by my intelligence and my distaste for vanity and hurtful gossip.

While males are quietly encouraged by society to be openly aggressive (think playground fistfights), I have read that females tend to display aggression differently---through shunning, rumor-spreading, etc.

 

[vindexa]

Ereth - I am 27 and unfortunately still am experiencing this sort of behavior out of women close to my age as well as older. It is very frustrating and disappointing. I was hoping that things got better and easier when you get older, but things have been about the same or perhaps a bit worse.

AllyTheAspie - I am sure that is true to an extent, but other women seem to be able to make friends with other women and that is something I have yet to figure out how to do.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm NT. I've said it in other posts here how much trouble I have with my women co-workers. I would much rather be around men any day. I only have two real girlfriends. I didn't make any friends in nursing school either. I'm in a community college now and haven't made any girl friends. In my experience they only want to use you to further themselves or they are jealous of something about you. I seem to get along with women who are older than me or a lot younger than me. I don't think I'm missing out on much.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I seem to have been lucky in that my experiences with other women have been positive (apart from one particular ex boss ).
But I do have trouble interacting with women my own age. This doesn't result in them being nasty, instead I avoid them.

 

[Bri]

Growing up all of my friends were boys. I preferred "boyish" things and "boyish" colors. I to have always found it easier to get along with guys. When I was working in the restaurant field I was constantly bullied by the older women and even those who were around my age group even the gay men the associated with. The women I get along with best are the ones who where most like me. I have no female friends from high school.. I must have be labeled as weird. All of my close friends were either from another high school or from work. I currently am the only female in my entire work team and I love it. Unlike most women I have no problem changing my own tire or checking my own oil. I don't like to play into the whole damsel in distress bs.

 

[grapesicles]

I get this too - I don't understand the need for many females to be rude or gossipy. How much harder is it just to be nice and make friends?! And does anyone else wonder if they're missing out on significant life experiences if you don't have a close group of female friends, or is it not all it's made out to be?

It's easier for me to make friends with males too, but it can be difficult to maintain a good friendship when a male friend (even if you have no interest in them romantically whatsoever) gets in a serious relationship/engaged/married as occasionally the partner can get jealous. Lost out on a great friend of mine I'd known for years from school just because his girlfriend got very jealous of him chatting to me online - crazy isn't it!

 

[Ereth]

Ereth - I am 27 and unfortunately still am experiencing this sort of behavior out of women close to my age as well as older. It is very frustrating and disappointing. I was hoping that things got better and easier when you get older, but things have been about the same or perhaps a bit worse.

I'm not much younger than you, but I will say that most of the people who tormented me in school grew up, and I even befriended one of them towards the end of high school.

I avoid petty BS now because the people I spend most of my time with are similarly fed up with stupid gossip.

 

[Peace]

Funny, I am male and seem to have the same problem with the guys only guys do not play all the mind games that women do. They just ignore you or tease you outright.

I have always gotten along much better with females. I have had problems which are usually 1) females misunderstanding my intentions and thinking I want a romantic relationship with them, or 2) My wife or girlfriend at the time being jealous and ruining my friendship. Both are unnecessary and terribly disappointing.

I often saw with my girlfriends the behavior that you describe, but I could never make any sense of it. If it is any comfort, things are no better for guys, just different BS.

Why can't people just get along and take each other at face value until they have a reason not to?

 

[square_peg]

I'm a female with AS and have always found I have gotten along better with males. Even as a kid most of my friends were boys.

I never really thought much of it until I read your post and wondered why that might be. Perhaps I have more in common with men (I like sports, have always liked traditionally 'boyish' things and am gay also so have the attraction to women in common).. But perhaps it's also that men seem like small talk less than women which suits me perfectly. They're also simpler and tend to say what they mean more often than women - with women there seems to be a large degree of decoding required. And I don't have the skills nor the patience or inclination for that.

 

[DarkLady]

I also get along better with males.

 

[Sass]

I get along much better with dudes too, and have found over the years that I get accused of flirting when I'm just trying to be friendly. I can sort of let that go though. I have enough insecurities and anxieties in my life that I really can't fault other people for theirs.

Over the last few years, though, I've forged some wonderful friendships with women. I have a group of 3 women who I hang out with pretty regularly now, and while sometimes they can take my withdrawal from social stuff (which is rare) personally, they're open to listening to me, and that makes the difference.

 

[Christy]

I find younger women unpredictable and generally unwilling to give me the time to forge a descent friendship. Older women tend to take me in as if I need a mother.

As for female bosses, I've not had a good one yet. I have found female bosses to be manipulative and bullies.

Guys have always been easier to talk to.

 

[Lisa Lacertilian]

Hi, I can totally relate to this!!!
Can and always have managed to relate and get on with men better, hated the way other females would gossip and much preferred the company of men in general. But it has been difficult knowing if men really are my friend or if they want something more. During my university years I tried to make an effort to only speak to women at gatherings so I could make friends because I realised I only had male friends. The conversations I had with the women revolved around what people were wearing and if the clothes or their glasses suited them. I found this shallow and nasty. It appears as if women take an immediate dislike to me too. I have been told this could be because they are jealous of my ability to speak to men (a surprising skill to me because at school I was practically mute).

Luckily so far the only experience I have had at work with women has not been too bad. I did notice women are much more friendly toward me if I am not wearing makeup and if I have my hair tied back! Older women who wear a lot of makeup seem to take a dislike to me the most. I dread ever having female troubles in future jobs because I know NT people who get this kind of attitude from women also and they too find it difficult to cope with.

The women who seem to get on very well with me are women who are strong and confident in themselves and also know how to make friends with men without forming a relationship with them. Oddly enough they often are also one of four siblings like me which is a strange pattern I noticed.

(28 year old high functioning)

 

[vindexa]

Glad to know that I am not the only one! The hidden agenda of women and the cattiness/judgmental nature that Lisa described is exactly why I feel more at ease among men. I care what I look like to an extent, but I don't follow the trends or dress a certain way just because it is popular, I wear what I like, what suits me.

Peace: I did not realize that this issue also applied to men. I guess jealousy or the strange urge of neurotypicals to judge and make fun of others can cause problems for anyone, regardless of gender. Don't get me wrong, I know guys can be harsh in their own ways, but since I am female, that is all I really know.

square_peg: Since you are a fellow lesbian with aspergers, do you think that being gay causes even more problems in relating to women? I have actually been told by male co-workers that some women avoided me for that reason. Though now I keep my sexuality to myself, perhaps other women can sense that I am gay and are put off by me because of that? I mean that especially in combination with my lack of understanding of basic female communication and interaction...

Sass: Maybe that has been partly the issue for me, that other women think I am flirting and wish they could speak to guys as easily as I am able to.

 

[Cyllya]

I've become surprisingly popular among my mostly-female workplace. I think part of it is that I lucked into a good environment. But just in case my actions have made a difference, I'll list what I've been doing different from past situations where I didn't get along with people:

1) two words: FREE DRUGS. I carry around ibuprofen and whatnot for my own sake, but I am quick to hand them out to anyone else. I once had someone tell me, "I used to think you were a snob, but it turns out you're actually really nice!" Not sure what made her think I was a snob, but I'm pretty sure the drugs won her over. Sure, you might only tell your more charismatic co-worker about your headache, but I'll be the one poking my head over the cubicle wall offering you painkillers because I overheard you. Even people who decline the offer seem to appreciate it.

2) I've gotten into the habit of always greeting people when I pass them in the work hallways. That means eye contact (briefly, approximately), polite smile (force it), and some kind of greeting word. I'm pretty sure I don't do this the way normal people do, but people seem to recognize the intent.

3) it took me a while to realize, but... when some asks how are you, you are supposed to give a positive answer, not an honest one. (Close friends excepted.) Also you have to ask the other person how they are.

4) I'm still trying to figure out how to respond when people talk about problems they have. I know that people don't like it when you offer unsolicited advice (talking about their problem is not necessarily a solicitation for advice) and they definitely hate it if you turn it into a whose-life-sucks-more contest, and instead you are just supposed to express sympathy. I find that people tend to misunderstand my attempts to express sympathy.

5) I try to tone down my weird traits in a new group of people and relax my guard overtime. It kind of happens on its own because I'm shy.

6) I make quick drawings of cartoon animals on in-office forms/coversheets. During boring compliance training meetings, I may take requests. I'm not kidding, this makes a difference

 

[xXGrizeldaXx]

I have always got on very well with men, they always buy me drinks and give me compliments and find me funny. Most women I have had the displeasure of working with have been sly, bitchy and jealous of me. I worked in an estate agents once and there were 3 horrible women there who were simply dreadful to me, They were jealous because i ate my lunch with the boss,who enjoyed my company. I actually ended up having a physical fight with one of these bitches.

I never got along with other girls at school and would eat my lunch on my own in the graveyard. I feel tense when I see groups of women together and avoid them,they are always slagging each other down behind the backThe only women I get along with are My Gran and my friend Judy who is a butch lesbian.

 

[Vanilla]

I know this feeling all too well. I of course don't want to put down anyone, but I do feel that the way I think is much more similar to how men think, and this is the reason I get along with men better than women. The only instances I have gotten along well with women, is when they too have been very male-orientated in their thinking style (and were very likely Aspies).

I once read a small blurb, after one of those online, non-official, spectrum tests. It explained that these categories could be laid down in a certain order:

AS males
AS females
NT males
NT females

The theory is that you think more alike to those who are similar to you, or are on either side of you, and therefore are more likely to agree with one another. Of course, I don't know how legitimate this claim is, being part of an online test, but it makes sense in my mind, and has been true in my own circumstances. After talking with various others on the spectrum though, I have found that this rule is more true for genders, as opposed to sexes.

 

[Scorpiogirl]

I have the same issue. I have always struggled with women including my mother. I can't form any relationships with other mums at school when I drop my kids off. My ex wouldn't let me associate with other men who weren't relatives and I find myself at 32 now without any friends. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in struggling socially ESP with women. Thanks for posting your thread xx