Being Female and on the Spectrum - Social Problems With Other Females

[Smart Shelly]

I've become surprisingly popular among my mostly-female workplace. I think part of it is that I lucked into a good environment. But just in case my actions have made a difference, I'll list what I've been doing different from past situations where I didn't get along with people:

1) two words: FREE DRUGS. I carry around ibuprofen and whatnot for my own sake, but I am quick to hand them out to anyone else. I once had someone tell me, "I used to think you were a snob, but it turns out you're actually really nice!" Not sure what made her think I was a snob, but I'm pretty sure the drugs won her over. Sure, you might only tell your more charismatic co-worker about your headache, but I'll be the one poking my head over the cubicle wall offering you painkillers because I overheard you. Even people who decline the offer seem to appreciate it.

2) I've gotten into the habit of always greeting people when I pass them in the work hallways. That means eye contact (briefly, approximately), polite smile (force it), and some kind of greeting word. I'm pretty sure I don't do this the way normal people do, but people seem to recognize the intent.

3) it took me a while to realize, but... when some asks how are you, you are supposed to give a positive answer, not an honest one. (Close friends excepted.) Also you have to ask the other person how they are.

4) I'm still trying to figure out how to respond when people talk about problems they have. I know that people don't like it when you offer unsolicited advice (talking about their problem is not necessarily a solicitation for advice) and they definitely hate it if you turn it into a whose-life-sucks-more contest, and instead you are just supposed to express sympathy. I find that people tend to misunderstand my attempts to express sympathy.

5) I try to tone down my weird traits in a new group of people and relax my guard overtime. It kind of happens on its own because I'm shy.

6) I make quick drawings of cartoon animals on in-office forms/coversheets. During boring compliance training meetings, I may take requests. I'm not kidding, this makes a difference

Kudos for you!

I completely agree with you.

I get along with males better, but going to all girl's school for 7 years has thought me few tricks.

When you work in an environment with 90% female, I guess you really have to learn those social skills.

 

[grapesicles]

I am so glad so many people are similar

I was having a discussion with my dad earlier - despite having a few traditionally 'feminine' interests (fashion and makeup, but I also like cars and games) it's still so impossible to connect with most females! Again, it's the silly gossip business that gets me - I don't understand how it can get so scarily intense & consuming! If I'm slightly jealous of someone, I'll laugh it off, tell them I'm jealous and compliment them on it, eg. hair, clothes, face, etc. Probably why I get mistaken for being gay, but oh well! And the concept I'll never understand of saying one thing and meaning something different. As in "I'm fine" = "I'm having a breakdown"..am I supposed to be a psychic/interpreter too?!

The only problem with guy friends, I've found, is that they're so difficult to buy Christmas presents for..

 

[Shawn D]

The only problem with guy friends, I've found, is that they're so difficult to buy Christmas presents for..

I used to think this, too. I always struggled to figure out gifts for my husband. My hubby has made it quite clear, though, that men are easier than we think. He told me meat and booze, so I got him a cured meat stick and a bottle of Pendleton.

 

[GhostWriter]

Seems like a lot of Other Issues get tangled up with Aspergers in this Thread!
For one, I think it is wired into us (female?) humans to think of others of the same sex are a threat, especially if you are considered physically attractive or are younger.
Two, again I think it's wired into females to feel more comfortable with men & vice versa- think of the relationship between daughters & fathers; mothers & sons...
But being on the Spectrum, we might not give credence to these possible causes- being introverted, we tend to think it's US, that there is something wrong/ unacceptable with US!!

 

[GhostWriter]

I'm still struggling with this website & posting a comment to All vs just One person!! Please see my latest post as of 1/5/15.....

 

[paloftoon]

I used to think this, too. I always struggled to figure out gifts for my husband. My hubby has made it quite clear, though, that men are easier than we think. He told me meat and booze, so I got him a cured meat stick and a bottle of Pendleton.

Well just as long as it's not Viagra, you won't be screwed. Pun intended!

 

[Berianireth]

It seems to me that people in general think that I'm grossly inferior to them. I could be misinterpreting tones and moods as grudges, which I've been warned that I from time-to-time do. I used to get along better with men than I do with women, but I think I have a pretty even mix now...although I find it is just difficult in general to help people understand my "rigidity" and my "unusual" ways of expressing my thoughts.

 

[Jakob Burto-Sundman]

I myself am an aspie male. My wife is also an aspie. We both have had difficuly with the opposite sex. My wife in fact cannot be around men save for myself. It is for different for her in that she has had tramua. But being an aspie didn't help. What made it even worse is that her aunt. The only one who is alive in her immideate family. Denies she has aspergers. One of the saddest things is my own parents are the same way. So it can be hard for both of us be around people though my wife has made some female friends that are very close. And some who make fun of her. So I guess it just happens mo matter what you have going on.

 

[Cerulean]

I never had the talk from anyone, about how men can be, and learned later in life that men and women can view "friendships" differently. I'm much more informed these days.

Nailed it. I cut the men out of my life that I considered friends, but who were behaving inappropriately to various degrees. Now I have maybe two female friends (coworkers that I happen to have hobbies or interests in common with) and the boyfriend. I'm dying to have some other women my age to form friendships with, but I'm struggling to find them. I've tried interest-based meet up groups, a bunco group, book club, and a local Aspie group that was amusingly overrun with high-school type drama. The only women I've found that I like and who like me are my coworkers, because working at a software company we're all a little different from the mainstream and if the conversation runs out we can always complain about work, hah!

 

[ammiddleton12]

I personally have an equally hard time with males and females. I guess if anything, females are more likely to sense danger when they see you are different, so they avoid you quicker. Males might accept my Aspie peculiarities at first, but quickly drop me once I can't follow the pace of communication.

 

[Naturalist]

Sorry, I am needing to rant a bit and this seems like an opportune venue, since it seems more than a few of you can relate:

Other women (usually NT) have always gotten on my nerves, but this week they are really good at it!!!! I don't understand why the women at work have to make everything--even a simple interoffice memo--into an emotional drama. I want to say, just do your F***ing job people, and stop injecting your own personal insecurities where they don't belong! I don't EVER have such issues with the men I work with. And seriously, do women think makeup makes them look prettier? It doesn't, for the most part what passes for pretty really looks scary, because it is so obviously FAKE and further distorts their facial expressions. And the perfume can GO AWAY. (Although in honesty, one of the men in buildings maintenance drowns himself in cologne, so I have requested they send someone else to work on my hall if he is smelly.) And WHY do women love to squeal and talk really fast in really high voices??? Who wants to listen to that??? Women in groups make me want to leave the room. QUICKLY.

The older I get, the less desire I have for "normal" female friendships (if I ever really had any to begin with). The only friends I had in school were as "weird" as I was in some way, almost always the outcasts. I really, really appreciate the women here because I find affirmation that it truly is better to have a good thinking brain and extraordinary interests and the ability to fix what breaks, than to have a gaggle of female cronies who couldn't carry on a useful or interesting conversation to save their lives. Thanks ladies

 

[Progster]

I feel that I don't have much in common with other females of my age, and in particular find it hard to interact with them in the same way as they interact with each other. They seem to have a completely alien body language to me, I can't do this touchy-feely stuff they engage in with each other, especially when they are in groups. I can't relate to the way they talk to each other and interact, especially in groups, and usually have topics of conversation of which I have no knowledge and experience and can make no useful contribution, such as TV shows, gossip or pop music. Not that this is necessarily the case or that these topics of conversation are restricted to women. But not knowing the subject of the conversation, not being able to contribute and typically being ignored when I do, only serves to alienate me further. Here, at many social events, the women will be sitting chatting on the sofas and chairs, while the men are all seated round the table. I hate the way the event is split into gender groups and avoid going to such events, but I must say that if I do have to go I feel slightly more comfortable being at the table with the men that sitting with the women. I often find I have more in common with and can relate more to men than to women.

 

[Cinnamon115]

When I was younger, I was friends with many other girls my age. We would all run around the neighborhood and do things like climb trees. Things started to change when I was in fourth grade. My friends developed interests in boys, makeup, and clothes-- an interest I didn't (and still don't) share. I suddenly found myself with no friends. I'm still into "little kid" games and such and I have no interest in many of the things other girls my age (18) enjoy, like tv, country/rap/pop music, and gossip. This makes it hard for me to find friends and feel like I belong. It's especially hard now that I'm at college. I seem to run on a different clock than everyone here; I'm the only one who goes to sleep at 10pm every night. I'm the only one who doesn't sleep in until noon on weekends. I have yet to find any girls here that also like playing video games and reading. I'm really glad I found this website, I finally get to talk to other Aspies like me. Do any of you have any advice for finding friends?

 

[Tom]

When I was younger, I was friends with many other girls my age. We would all run around the neighborhood and do things like climb trees. Things started to change when I was in fourth grade. My friends developed interests in boys, makeup, and clothes-- an interest I didn't (and still don't) share. I suddenly found myself with no friends. I'm still into "little kid" games and such and I have no interest in many of the things other girls my age (18) enjoy, like tv, country/rap/pop music, and gossip. This makes it hard for me to find friends and feel like I belong. It's especially hard now that I'm at college. I seem to run on a different clock than everyone here; I'm the only one who goes to sleep at 10pm every night. I'm the only one who doesn't sleep in until noon on weekends. I have yet to find any girls here that also like playing video games and reading. I'm really glad I found this website, I finally get to talk to other Aspies like me. Do any of you have any advice for finding friends?

Just wanted to share a quote that came to mind:

“You don't choose your friends, they choose you, and you either reject them or you accept them without reservations.”
Arturo Perez-Reverte, The Flanders Panel

 

[Naturalist]

When I was younger, I was friends with many other girls my age. We would all run around the neighborhood and do things like climb trees. Things started to change when I was in fourth grade. My friends developed interests in boys, makeup, and clothes-- an interest I didn't (and still don't) share. I suddenly found myself with no friends. I'm still into "little kid" games and such and I have no interest in many of the things other girls my age (18) enjoy, like tv, country/rap/pop music, and gossip. This makes it hard for me to find friends and feel like I belong. It's especially hard now that I'm at college. I seem to run on a different clock than everyone here; I'm the only one who goes to sleep at 10pm every night. I'm the only one who doesn't sleep in until noon on weekends. I have yet to find any girls here that also like playing video games and reading. I'm really glad I found this website, I finally get to talk to other Aspies like me. Do any of you have any advice for finding friends?

Cinnamon115, welcome! I too had a very hard time at college. Interestingly, college was the first place I was able to find other "quirky" individuals with unconventional interests like myself, and I enjoyed spending time with them, but I didn't know enough about friendships to understand how to retain those friendships. I didn't understand that I couldn't ignore people for weeks on end and then reappear as if I had never been gone; I didn't know why my roommate got tired of hearing the same 3 CDs (I only owned 3) over and over again; I didn't know why no one wanted to hear the details of my current research... you get the picture.

Does your college have an online message board? Can you post an open invitation to others who want to play your favorite video games, or participate in a book club at an established place and time? In the college where I teach, there is a creative writing club that started that way, and its members are mostly shy and had a hard time connecting with others; some of them say that is the only way they have managed to make friends at college. You might be surprised to find many others who share your particular interests, even if they enjoy them on a much more casual level. My final year in college I started preparing bird and mammal skins for the biology department. Other students who came in to speak with the professor who was teaching me decided they wanted to try it too, and four years later, a rather large group of students still comes into the lab every Friday to do taxidermy! It is even a highlight of the college tours... Proof that even someone with an unconventional interest can find friends who share that interest.

 

[watersprite]

When I was younger, I was friends with many other girls my age. We would all run around the neighborhood and do things like climb trees. Things started to change when I was in fourth grade. My friends developed interests in boys, makeup, and clothes-- an interest I didn't (and still don't) share. I suddenly found myself with no friends. I'm still into "little kid" games and such and I have no interest in many of the things other girls my age (18) enjoy, like tv, country/rap/pop music, and gossip. This makes it hard for me to find friends and feel like I belong. It's especially hard now that I'm at college. I seem to run on a different clock than everyone here; I'm the only one who goes to sleep at 10pm every night. I'm the only one who doesn't sleep in until noon on weekends. I have yet to find any girls here that also like playing video games and reading. I'm really glad I found this website, I finally get to talk to other Aspies like me. Do any of you have any advice for finding friends?

It's been many years since I was in college and university, but the memory of not fitting in is still sharp. I was, like you, not into what the vast majority of women there were into; and I certainly was incapable of understanding their conversations and social games. If it wasn't for focusing in on my studies and my own interests, I'd of gone off the deep end of crazy anxiety. So that is my advice, I guess: get involved in the things you love. You and your future friends whether male or female will most likely find each other there. Also, keeping a journal helped me during those years.

 

[Cinnamon115]

Thanks for advice! I've been going to a club for sewing here and that helps. I've also been keeping journals, but this semester I've had a tough time writing in mine, because I prefer to write in mine when my roommate isn't around and this semester our schedules line up almost perfectly. There is a gaming club at my college, but by "gaming" they mean dungeons and dragons and other tabletop games. I prefer video games.

 

[Cerulean]

I've been going to a club for sewing here and that helps.

That's great, one of my very few friends introduced me to a knitting group (I crochet but whatever) and I've been trying to go and be talkative. Unfortunately so far they mostly want to talk about their kids, and I don't have any, so it's mostly me listening while they chatter on.

 

[Julia 27]

After attempting a search and coming up with nothing that matched what I was looking for, I decided to start a topic concerning females who are on the spectrum and see if anyone else has had similar issues. It seems that basically everywhere I go and meet other women, while some may seem nice and friendly at first, they end up being condescending, snarky, and rude to me. In some cases, they even end up avoiding me or try to cause problems, especially in work situations. This is very confusing for me because I have never done anything or acted in a way that is deserving of being treated that way. Yes, I admit that my social skills are lacking and do not fit with other women in their late 20s. Small talk and non-verbal communication are not easy for me and are often quite confusing, but I don't think I come across as being so socially offensive that my own gender feels the need to treat me like a second class citizen. Quite frequently I feel like other women look down on me and think that they are far superior to me. What is funny is that male coworkers have always seemed to really enjoy talking to me, and I feel so much more comfortable talking to guys. The way they communicate is much more direct and simple compared to the ways most women converse. Perhaps in some cases it is a jealousy issue, as there have been a couple of male co-workers who suspected that in one case, but if that is so, then that is really petty and immature. I am gay anyway, so it's not like I am really a threat when it comes to men's attention. Everyone does tend to assume I am straight though, and I don't flaunt or make it a point to tell people I am gay. I never really felt the need to do so. Have any other females with aspergers/high functioning autism or anyone who knows females on the spectrum had this issue, or is it just me? I have a few friends, but they are all guys and I would really like some same gender friends, but that seems nearly impossible for me.

 

[Julia 27]

I totally identify with what you say and am glad you started this topic as I thought I was strange feeling this way too. I am not gay. But I really struggle with most women's conversation and always have . It rarely interests me or is too bitchy and gossipyThey don't say what they mean so no wonder men get so confused with women. here is a quote from an article by Tony Attwood who explains that females with AS present quite differently from males
"the girl with Asperger's syndrome is not interested in the 'bitchy' behaviour of her peers and is a loyal and helpful friend. I cannot understand why women gossip so much. She may prefer to play with boys, whose play is more constructive than emotional and adventurous rather than conversational. Many females with Asperger's syndrome say how they sometimes think they have a male rather than a female brain, having a greater understanding and appreciation of the interests, thinking and humour of boys-appreciating the logic of the male brain. She can be described as a 'Tom Boy' preferring the activities and conversations of boys rather than girls.
In early childhood, a girl with Asperger's syndrome will begin to know she is different to other girls. Her thoughts can be that the play of other girls is stupid, boring and inexplicable. I never liked dolls or pink. She may prefer to play alone so that she can play her way. Her interests can be different to other girls, not necessarily in terms of focus, but intensity and quality. She may prefer non-gender specific toys and not seek acquisitions related to the latest craze for girls her age to be 'cool' and popular. There can be an aversion to the concept of femininity in wearing the latest fashions or fancy or frilly clothing. They prefer practical, comfortable clothing with lots of pockets. With girls, there can be an intense interest in reading and escaping into fiction and fantasy creating a new persona"