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Boxanne
- Thread starter Raggamuffin
- Start date
Slowly slowly catchy monkey.
Ed
Ed
Last edited:
I really wish I knew what I was doing next.
Next step seemed to be get a job. But that then seems to potentially jeopardise the van plans. This job I'm interviewing for is a travelling carer. So I'd need to keep the car. Which means the van stays at my parents. Then what, get home from work, then drive out in the van for the night, only to drive back then commute to work etc? Hardly feels like the freedom I'd envisioned.
But then how many potential job sites are van friendly. It's one of the largest types of van you can get. It's basically a small truck. Which limits parking for a lot of workplaces.
The plan was to sell the car once the van is ready. But the van keeps getting delayed, project continues to go over budget, and my mum keeps randomly going nuclear with her anxiety, convincing herself that I won't pay her back what I owe. I've told her repeatedly I intend to pay back every penny. But give it time, and again she comes at me with high anxiety. Which paints a clear picture she doesn't trust me.
She had another money rant at me 30 mins ago. I told her she and dad are worriers, and I was honest and said it's likely where I got it from too. She tried to normalise it by saying everyone worries. I agreed, but said that's not the case with our family. Me, my brother and our parents are tremendous worriers. I even said to her, a few times when I've rang her phone she doesn't say hello, she says "What's wrong?" in a panicked tone. Again, she tried to normalise this.
Somehow the conversation turned to her saying she felt like sometimes I didn't love her and don't like her as a person. I tactfully agreed. I said I don't know what love is. But I don't love myself, so how could I love anyone else, or indeed have a healthy relationship with anyone else. I was honest, and said I feel nervous around them, and my brother. I feel nervous around everyone. But I also said that I don't know where I fit in. Several times she started repeating things I'd revealed but with a certain tone.
She tried to blame how I am on weed again. But I told her I've had anxiety since a pre-teen and it has steadily built. She told me she just wanted her old son back. Now this is something she has said repeatedly. Some nostlagic version of me from when I was a child and seems to desparately want the happy version of me, as opposed to what I am now. Between that, and her repeated anxious monologues to me about how she thinks I won't pay her back what I owe - it's hard to feel like she trusts me, or likes who I am either.
Returning home in Aug '21 felt awkward, and I wanted to leave ASAP. I was searching for an apartment initially. But in a depressing city, and stuck in a stressful job. Now with the van being delayed time and again, and my future job potentially meaning I can't even use the van to commute?
To add to all this, the awkwardness I already felt around my parents is likely to increase dramatically. I don't belong here. I don't know where the hell I belong. Lonelyness is really bad at the moment. I feel cut off, financially in the hole. I spend most of my free time shut in my room. Spend 5-10 mins with my parents eating dinner. Usually I say nothing and listen to their painful small talk.
I don't fit in in my family. This house doesn't feel like my home anymore, neither does this village. I've never had a satisfying job, all my relationships have been tumultuous, I don't think I love or understand my family, and I have very few friends.
I don't truly know how I improve on this situation. I'd hoped not working for a while might help me recharge a little. Waking up without an alarm is nice, but I'm still exhausted. On edge constantly as usual. Sure, I have no job stress. But I have stress about having no job.
Things feel tricky. I cut off all my local friends as they weren't good for me. But this conversation with my mum feels like I've burnt my bridge at home now too. I was tactful, but it's quite awkward being asked by your own mother if you like her as a person. Thing is, I know they're not bad people. But if they weren't my parents, I'd have no interest getting to know them. We're just on different wavelengths - it's that simple.
What I'm reminded of is my past 2 therapists. 1 calling my mother mentally derranged and constantly referring to how deeply unstable and unhealthy it is to be living there again. And my last therapist who looked wide eyed, with a furrowed brow as I described briefly how my mum is and how she's changed in the past 1.5 years. Although the therapists questions were quite loaded. As in I think she was trying to potentially work out what condition my mother had, and whether it was cause for concern. The look on her face would suggest it was troublesome.
Sigh. Once again, I really don't know where I fit in. I'd like the van to be ready, but I don't feel ready for the van at all. I'm not even sure if it's me. Or if it's the path I should be taking. A lot of people seem caught up in the fantasy of van life, and this elusive freedom in life and outlook.
I've encountered people who seem more excited for the project than I often feel. Then once again I look to myself and think what the hell is wrong with me? But that happens a lot in my life. I tell people news, then I'm confused why they're happier than I am about the news. Truth is, this whole van life thing was never going to be a salvation for me. I wanted it to get away from home. I don't have a huge wanderlust, and I don't think I'd be wanting to meet lots of people like so many have suggested I'd be doing when I started doing "van life". I think I just want to have my own space to call home and be left the hell alone. But I fear it will make my loneliness that much worse. Another spanner in the works with the redundency is now wondering when I could get a dog.
Truth be told, the reality is that I think buying the van was just another part of falling hook, line and sinker for Meg and all that I believed she represented. Wanting to impress, and mimick what someone I cared for was doing, how she was living etc. Getting caught up in this fantasy and illusion of what my life could be like. And it's that van life fantasy that I seem to encounter a lot with other people. So many think it's wonderful and amazing - and I'm often confounded and asking myself "Is this even a good thing?"
Of course, you can't give up before you've even tried van life. But I fear it's many months away, and at least another £5000 needing to be spent. Which takes it to the end of the year.
In my isolation I tried reaching out to new people. But most conversations have no spark. A lot of them just randomly stop all contact and don't reply to further messages. I'm also tired of the amount of energy I put into messaging people I've known for a long time, and the pittance I see in return.
I'm exhausted, and it's been so prolonged now that I'm not really convinced it'll ever change. I feel wayward at present because plans I had have changed frequently, and now I'm at a crossroads, and I haven't the faintest clue what I'm supposed to do at this point.
Ed
Next step seemed to be get a job. But that then seems to potentially jeopardise the van plans. This job I'm interviewing for is a travelling carer. So I'd need to keep the car. Which means the van stays at my parents. Then what, get home from work, then drive out in the van for the night, only to drive back then commute to work etc? Hardly feels like the freedom I'd envisioned.
But then how many potential job sites are van friendly. It's one of the largest types of van you can get. It's basically a small truck. Which limits parking for a lot of workplaces.
The plan was to sell the car once the van is ready. But the van keeps getting delayed, project continues to go over budget, and my mum keeps randomly going nuclear with her anxiety, convincing herself that I won't pay her back what I owe. I've told her repeatedly I intend to pay back every penny. But give it time, and again she comes at me with high anxiety. Which paints a clear picture she doesn't trust me.
She had another money rant at me 30 mins ago. I told her she and dad are worriers, and I was honest and said it's likely where I got it from too. She tried to normalise it by saying everyone worries. I agreed, but said that's not the case with our family. Me, my brother and our parents are tremendous worriers. I even said to her, a few times when I've rang her phone she doesn't say hello, she says "What's wrong?" in a panicked tone. Again, she tried to normalise this.
Somehow the conversation turned to her saying she felt like sometimes I didn't love her and don't like her as a person. I tactfully agreed. I said I don't know what love is. But I don't love myself, so how could I love anyone else, or indeed have a healthy relationship with anyone else. I was honest, and said I feel nervous around them, and my brother. I feel nervous around everyone. But I also said that I don't know where I fit in. Several times she started repeating things I'd revealed but with a certain tone.
She tried to blame how I am on weed again. But I told her I've had anxiety since a pre-teen and it has steadily built. She told me she just wanted her old son back. Now this is something she has said repeatedly. Some nostlagic version of me from when I was a child and seems to desparately want the happy version of me, as opposed to what I am now. Between that, and her repeated anxious monologues to me about how she thinks I won't pay her back what I owe - it's hard to feel like she trusts me, or likes who I am either.
Returning home in Aug '21 felt awkward, and I wanted to leave ASAP. I was searching for an apartment initially. But in a depressing city, and stuck in a stressful job. Now with the van being delayed time and again, and my future job potentially meaning I can't even use the van to commute?
To add to all this, the awkwardness I already felt around my parents is likely to increase dramatically. I don't belong here. I don't know where the hell I belong. Lonelyness is really bad at the moment. I feel cut off, financially in the hole. I spend most of my free time shut in my room. Spend 5-10 mins with my parents eating dinner. Usually I say nothing and listen to their painful small talk.
I don't fit in in my family. This house doesn't feel like my home anymore, neither does this village. I've never had a satisfying job, all my relationships have been tumultuous, I don't think I love or understand my family, and I have very few friends.
I don't truly know how I improve on this situation. I'd hoped not working for a while might help me recharge a little. Waking up without an alarm is nice, but I'm still exhausted. On edge constantly as usual. Sure, I have no job stress. But I have stress about having no job.
Things feel tricky. I cut off all my local friends as they weren't good for me. But this conversation with my mum feels like I've burnt my bridge at home now too. I was tactful, but it's quite awkward being asked by your own mother if you like her as a person. Thing is, I know they're not bad people. But if they weren't my parents, I'd have no interest getting to know them. We're just on different wavelengths - it's that simple.
What I'm reminded of is my past 2 therapists. 1 calling my mother mentally derranged and constantly referring to how deeply unstable and unhealthy it is to be living there again. And my last therapist who looked wide eyed, with a furrowed brow as I described briefly how my mum is and how she's changed in the past 1.5 years. Although the therapists questions were quite loaded. As in I think she was trying to potentially work out what condition my mother had, and whether it was cause for concern. The look on her face would suggest it was troublesome.
Sigh. Once again, I really don't know where I fit in. I'd like the van to be ready, but I don't feel ready for the van at all. I'm not even sure if it's me. Or if it's the path I should be taking. A lot of people seem caught up in the fantasy of van life, and this elusive freedom in life and outlook.
I've encountered people who seem more excited for the project than I often feel. Then once again I look to myself and think what the hell is wrong with me? But that happens a lot in my life. I tell people news, then I'm confused why they're happier than I am about the news. Truth is, this whole van life thing was never going to be a salvation for me. I wanted it to get away from home. I don't have a huge wanderlust, and I don't think I'd be wanting to meet lots of people like so many have suggested I'd be doing when I started doing "van life". I think I just want to have my own space to call home and be left the hell alone. But I fear it will make my loneliness that much worse. Another spanner in the works with the redundency is now wondering when I could get a dog.
Truth be told, the reality is that I think buying the van was just another part of falling hook, line and sinker for Meg and all that I believed she represented. Wanting to impress, and mimick what someone I cared for was doing, how she was living etc. Getting caught up in this fantasy and illusion of what my life could be like. And it's that van life fantasy that I seem to encounter a lot with other people. So many think it's wonderful and amazing - and I'm often confounded and asking myself "Is this even a good thing?"
Of course, you can't give up before you've even tried van life. But I fear it's many months away, and at least another £5000 needing to be spent. Which takes it to the end of the year.
In my isolation I tried reaching out to new people. But most conversations have no spark. A lot of them just randomly stop all contact and don't reply to further messages. I'm also tired of the amount of energy I put into messaging people I've known for a long time, and the pittance I see in return.
I'm exhausted, and it's been so prolonged now that I'm not really convinced it'll ever change. I feel wayward at present because plans I had have changed frequently, and now I'm at a crossroads, and I haven't the faintest clue what I'm supposed to do at this point.
Ed
Try to finish van, you can always sell it for a great price. Even not completely done, but the essentials and someone can finish it to their liking. Don't let Boxanne "box" you in. I was just thinking this today. My thinking rant that sometimes l feel let down by people, close friends, my mom. It's like you aren't allowed to have any issues, you must be perfect. The last person told me don't talk about what you are going thru. Okay, so how am l suppose to relate to you. It hurt alot. I don't think l don't fit in, because l don't think l have to fit in. I don't fit, so l don't try to fool myself and fit in. But we bump up against that transient wall , we are enclosed on this path of half relationships. So we aren't motivated to go further. Maybe you should rethink that job if it really isn't lined up with your end goal. But it sounds like end goal needs more defining. Hope you feel better.
I was just thinking, could your moms worrying have something to do with the times we live in now also? I'm worried these days that the bottom will fall out of our entire economy and it will just crash and burn and I imagine it's the same in Britain. Things are not looking good.
Maybe she's extra worried because of that.
No, she's just worried because she's a worrier. All she does is worry.
She even started the conversation assuming that I think she doesn't worry. To which I scoffed and bluntly said no - you worry all the time.
My mother really is odd. I know we share similarities in our emotional sensitivities and anxiety. But truth be told I really don't like her as a person. Of course, I was tactful earlier, and honest.
Odd question for a mother to ask. But eh, it's been a long time coming in admitting it.
Not sure where it leaves us though. No doubt with me trying to avoid them even more.
Ed
She even started the conversation assuming that I think she doesn't worry. To which I scoffed and bluntly said no - you worry all the time.
My mother really is odd. I know we share similarities in our emotional sensitivities and anxiety. But truth be told I really don't like her as a person. Of course, I was tactful earlier, and honest.
Odd question for a mother to ask. But eh, it's been a long time coming in admitting it.
Not sure where it leaves us though. No doubt with me trying to avoid them even more.
Ed
I keep rereading your post wanting to provide words of support but not knowing where to start or what to say. It seems obvious that you are depressed. You have so many stressors right now from family to finding a job. On top of that, transitions can be extra hard for those of us on the autism spectrum. I am amazed at what you have done with your van which tells me you have some good skills and talents. You could always use your van to commute and then bike from parking spots too far from your destination. Maybe, you need to consider what YOU WANT to do rather than what you are "supposed to do" and redefine your end goal like Aspychata suggested?
Hey @1ofakind
Excellent idea.
We have to adopt to whatever our circumstances are. My whole life is that. One day, l have every opportunity. Tomorrow, l am with nothing. So you learn to adopt. You roll in and out like waves in the ocean. If that's your journey, then you have to make the most of it. Fate handed me that journey by the way. Lol
Excellent idea.
We have to adopt to whatever our circumstances are. My whole life is that. One day, l have every opportunity. Tomorrow, l am with nothing. So you learn to adopt. You roll in and out like waves in the ocean. If that's your journey, then you have to make the most of it. Fate handed me that journey by the way. Lol
End goal is make a living from what I create. A steady income. It does mean a lot of extroversion though. I know what it means. I know in my gut I would gain significant traction in London. Right now I'm in quite a prolonged, isolated mode. Realistically I'd need to be actually living to make it as an artist. People need to see it, and I know I have good charms of persuasion. But the thought of being out there, being myself - all those people.
Plus there's the art hiatus. Left this half complete:
Ed
Plus there's the art hiatus. Left this half complete:
Ed
Wow, you are really talented. I could spend hours trying to decipher the symbolism in your art. How interesting! I tried to view your facebook link to see more of your art, but I don't have a Facebook account, so it wouldn't let me view your work. Do you have other social media accounts with your art? I know what you are saying about "being out there"..."all those people". I wonder if you could experiment more with social media with your art first? Have you already done this (Beyond Facebook)? Seems like something that brings you joy that you could commit to on the side until you gain more independence? Will your van have a place in it for you to do your art? (Apologies if you already shared that somewhere...I'm still catching up and I'm a slow reader) What are your thoughts?
Thanks. I'm learning. Where can I see his work?
You need to ask him, not me @Raggamuffin
I dont see the problem of using the van to travel even if it isnt finished. There are tons of vanlifers who start with an empty box truck. Just the bed, a box with clothes, some water to drink and a bucket toilet. You can even put a tent inside...
You can park at any wallmart or look at park4nigth to check place reviews. Your van is ready, and you can advance on it on the go, after you finish your working time.
Many vanlife people just use their vans to sleep. You can take one of those gym memberships that works on almost every city for showering...
You are making a problem when you already built the solution. That, or I am not understanding it...
Best of luck.
You can park at any wallmart or look at park4nigth to check place reviews. Your van is ready, and you can advance on it on the go, after you finish your working time.
Many vanlife people just use their vans to sleep. You can take one of those gym memberships that works on almost every city for showering...
You are making a problem when you already built the solution. That, or I am not understanding it...
Best of luck.
I'm playing hooky (aka unemployed).
Ed
Ed
@1ofakind I had a website but in years it had no sales and cost me £30 a month, which quickly adds up. I gave up on Instagram. Lots said I should be using it. But I never enjoyed it.
@Atrapa Almas I have a list of over 80 van park ups. I wouldn't want to park in car parks. The van should be part time liveable by next month.
Thank you, that means a lot.
Ed
@Atrapa Almas I have a list of over 80 van park ups. I wouldn't want to park in car parks. The van should be part time liveable by next month.
Thank you, that means a lot.
Ed
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