boyfriend broke up with me but instantly regretted it, i accepted him back how do i heal?

[Aspychata]

Let's be real, men are visual, and even some woman are visual. There is nothing wrong with looking, because he is with you at the end of the day. If he is subtle about it. My father watched a very curvy woman walk in front of our car at a stop sign, said something, and hurt my mom's feelings who is pretty petite and seems to be minus curves. That's upsetting and wrong and men should keep their opinions to themselves if your wife or girlfriend maybe insecure.

Usually my boyfriend is staring at me because l dress for him yet, l still dress respectfully because he enjoys feminine looking woman. If he is looking at other woman, that's alright because he isn't overly exaggerated and he doesn't say disrespectful things. I do give compliments to other woman, because woman take time to do their nails, or whatever, and it's nice to say something positive. Men are always going to stare at other woman, because fantasy is a good part of their world.

Maybe just tell him to be a less obvious about staring at woman which he can do on his own. We were at a restaurant, and our server had the most perfect eyebrows, and l complimented him on them. My boyfriend wasn't upset at all, because he is secure in my relationship with him. I talked to a guy on vacation, and he ended up being my boyfriend's scuba partner in Maui for several years. I hope this helps you. I was just thinking about wonderful guy l was seeing, and l totally miss him. It's been so hard not seeing him, he maybe autistic, but he has no problem getting girlfriends, l was more jealous about him.

Funny thing is, l learned so much from him. I learned to be less annoying, less insecure, more truthful. Good luck with this guy. Hope this works out. Being a better you will benefit you in the long run, should this relationship not succeed.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

we spoke about it and he said there is lustful intent but not much far that and i believe him. usually when i bring up my concerns i try not to be accusatory and I use “i” statements and more about what we can do together to both feel good. but this is really good advice thank you

You are welcome. While I do like the female form and especially those who are attractively dressed, I respect women enough not to stare having heard tales of women feeling degraded by inappropriate male intention. I am rarely bold, but once complemented a stranger. She was wearing a embroidered red dress and a jean jacket, a smart ensemble. I told her that she must have selected her outfit with care because it was very attractive.

 

[Lysholm]

Clearly, this has worked for you, @Lysholm, so I won’t argue against the idea entirely, but I would like to add if “training” is happening, then it should certainly be happening both ways. Autists are constantly expected to operate in a neurotypical way, and in a relationship it really should be 50-50.

I only threw it out there because OP seems to be working toward an equitable partnership. And the dude sounds like he needs more intervention than he can muster by himself, or else he'll accidentally ruin the relationship and may hate himself forever for it.

Interabled couples need to be a lot more for each other. My wife, for example, has a condition where her diet needs to be monitored, and sometimes firmly policed. If it were up to her she'd have a McDonald's IV. Occasionally I'll have to nag her to pee if she's feeling too lazy (also because of her condition). So each of us have to play parent for one another sometimes, but this was all negotiated long ago.

---

It's easy to forget everyone's autism is different. Many people on here act well in social settings because they can fake it even if they don't enjoy doing so. Ergo their personal relationships are largely normal. But many cannot function in social or interpersonal situations because they just have too many blind spots or impulses. Many are also socially isolated and simply lack practice interacting with others. There are cases when someone needs help - sometimes seemingly excessive help - in order to attain balance and stability in their life. If someone cares enough to offer that help, they should be empowered and given the tools to succeed. In this case I think "training" is the appropriate word. It makes the intent transparent and unclouded by social coding, allowing both parties the ability to consent to the proceedings.

I guess I should clearly state that training isn't the same as one would train a dog, but repeatedly prompting the mind to detect impulses, identify appropriate reactions, and navigate the immediate social surrounding to positive effect. But calling it something like behavior modification therapy is too clinical and impersonal, IMO.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Let's be real, men are visual, and even some woman are visual. There is nothing wrong with looking, because he is with you at the end of the day. If he is subtle about it. My father watched a very curvy woman walk in front of our car at a stop sign, said something, and hurt my mom's feelings who is pretty petite and seems to be minus curves. That's upsetting and wrong and men should keep their opinions to themselves if your wife or girlfriend maybe insecure.

Usually my boyfriend is staring at me because l dress for him yet, l still dress respectfully because he enjoys feminine looking woman. If he is looking at other woman, that's alright because he isn't overly exaggerated and he doesn't say disrespectful things. I do give compliments to other woman, because woman take time to do their nails, or whatever, and it's nice to say something positive. Men are always going to stare at other woman, because fantasy is a good part of their world.

Maybe just tell him to be a less obvious about staring at woman which he can do on his own. We were at a restaurant, and our server had the most perfect eyebrows, and l complimented him on them. My boyfriend wasn't upset at all, because he is secure in my relationship with him. I talked to a guy on vacation, and he ended up being my boyfriend's scuba partner in Maui for several years. I hope this helps you. I was just thinking about wonderful guy l was seeing, and l totally miss him. It's been so hard not seeing him, he maybe autistic, but he has no problem getting girlfriends, l was more jealous about him.

Funny thing is, l learned so much from him. I learned to be less annoying, less insecure, more truthful. Good luck with this guy. Hope this works out. Being a better you will benefit you in the long run, should this relationship not succeed.

Yes, we are very visual. For me in public, it is probably more about how a woman is dressed and her carriage.

 

[Lysholm]

OP, BTW, something to be aware of is he may not place the same meaning on words that you or the dictionary would. IIRC you cited him as saying "lustful intent" but, IMO, I don't think he means to convey what everyone else thinks those words mean together.

Some people with autism have a hard to understand relationship with language, so you may need to ask for clarity on some of what he says.

Above all, don't destroy yourself mentally over this dude. If he's too much or it's just not going to work, don't feel guilty moving on. At the end of the day his issues are his responsibility.

 

[Swansong]

I got to be honest here, provided the way you initially approeached him was reasonable ("hey, something is bothering me, we should talk about it.") and not absurd ("you cheating bastard!") and he still had that sort of reaction, well, I really don't see a way to have a mature, healthy relationship with someone in such a mental state.

It's clear that you yourself have some insecurities and this whole thing was certainly a reflection of that but there are very, very few people that don't have something like that going on in one way or another, even if it's relatively small.

So he's never going to find someone that's never going to question his actions at all or with whom there's never any disagreement or even small conflicts. That's just not how people work, this sort of thing will come up even in healthy relationships, that's just the way it is.

And if he's not properly equipped to handle them without going into a small breakdown then it's going to be very difficult having a functional, long term relationship because either you will condition yourself to no speak out on anything that may bother you (bad idea) or the whole relationship will be chaotic as he reacts this way every time an issue comes up.

And there's no real way for you to solve this because a girlfriend/partner is not and should not ever be a therapist. At best, you can try and find a way the best manner to communicate with him that doesn't elicit those types of reactions but at some point that may become a relationship where you'll be constantly walking on eggshells.

 

[Rodafina]

I only threw it out there because OP seems to be working toward an equitable partnership. And the dude sounds like he needs more intervention than he can muster by himself, or else he'll accidentally ruin the relationship and may hate himself forever for it.

Interabled couples need to be a lot more for each other. My wife, for example, has a condition where her diet needs to be monitored, and sometimes firmly policed. If it were up to her she'd have a McDonald's IV. Occasionally I'll have to nag her to pee if she's feeling too lazy (also because of her condition). So each of us have to play parent for one another sometimes, but this was all negotiated long ago.

---

It's easy to forget everyone's autism is different. Many people on here act well in social settings because they can fake it even if they don't enjoy doing so. Ergo their personal relationships are largely normal. But many cannot function in social or interpersonal situations because they just have too many blind spots or impulses. Many are also socially isolated and simply lack practice interacting with others. There are cases when someone needs help - sometimes seemingly excessive help - in order to attain balance and stability in their life. If someone cares enough to offer that help, they should be empowered and given the tools to succeed. In this case I think "training" is the appropriate word. It makes the intent transparent and unclouded by social coding, allowing both parties the ability to consent to the proceedings.

I guess I should clearly state that training isn't the same as one would train a dog, but repeatedly prompting the mind to detect impulses, identify appropriate reactions, and navigate the immediate social surrounding to positive effect. But calling it something like behavior modification therapy is too clinical and impersonal, IMO.

I do respect your opinion and your experience. What you say is totally valid. At the same time, women are often in a position where they are parenting their male partner and infantilization is sometimes the proper word.

Some highlights from what you described with your partner is equilibrium where one is not always helping the other, but there is some sort of complementary effort to keep you both in a happy place and in a happy relationship.

Many of us women grow up with the notion that we will change men into what we want them to be by parenting them and guiding them through the relationship. In my opinion, this lays the foundation for a toxic relationship that will breed resentment from both parties over time.

 

[Rodafina]

And there's no real way for you to solve this because a girlfriend/partner is not and should not ever be a therapist.

This is really important! I completely agree.

 

[taquitolover]

I got to be honest here, provided the way you initially approeached him was reasonable ("hey, something is bothering me, we should talk about it.") and not absurd ("you cheating bastard!") and he still had that sort of reaction, well, I really don't see a way to have a mature, healthy relationship with someone in such a mental state.

It's clear that you yourself have some insecurities and this whole thing was certainly a reflection of that but there are very, very few people that don't have something like that going on in one way or another, even if it's relatively small.

So he's never going to find someone that's never going to question his actions at all or with whom there's never any disagreement or even small conflicts. That's just not how people work, this sort of thing will come up even in healthy relationships, that's just the way it is.

And if he's not properly equipped to handle them without going into a small breakdown then it's going to be very difficult having a functional, long term relationship because either you will condition yourself to no speak out on anything that may bother you (bad idea) or the whole relationship will be chaotic as he reacts this way every time an issue comes up.

And there's no real way for you to solve this because a girlfriend/partner is not and should not ever be a therapist. At best, you can try and find a way the best manner to communicate with him that doesn't elicit those types of reactions but at some point that may become a relationship where you'll be constantly walking on eggshells.

i’ve spoken to him about issues before and he has always been very tentative and a great listener! i believe he was already feeling stress from his parents / school, as well as this specific topic kind of shook him and created a headspace that he was a horrible person, insecurities he had from his last relationship and i think all of those could’ve led to the burnout. we had a conversation but i am always down to have it again, that we should be able to have hard discussions in the future without it leading to breaking up!

 

[taquitolover]

OP, BTW, something to be aware of is he may not place the same meaning on words that you or the dictionary would. IIRC you cited him as saying "lustful intent" but, IMO, I don't think he means to convey what everyone else thinks those words mean together.

Some people with autism have a hard to understand relationship with language, so you may need to ask for clarity on some of what he says.

Above all, don't destroy yourself mentally over this dude. If he's too much or it's just not going to work, don't feel guilty moving on. At the end of the day his issues are his responsibility.

thats very true! however this is the first time i have seen him like this, and while he isn’t my responsibility i care about him and am willing to change and grow my mindset if it means being able to be there for him. and if not my future relationships!

 

[taquitolover]

Have you heard that autistics typically choose clarity, sometimes to the point where it sounds very blunt? Well here comes some bluntness, take it with as many grains of salt as you like. Six months is not very long. During this time it is common for infatuation and idealization to develop. Now you’re starting to really get to know each other and understand each other‘s communication style.

If you spend enough time on the forum and read through the threads, you will see that ND/NT relationships take a substantial amount of work, understanding, and compromise on both sides. There is no magic key that you will be able to use because we are each unique and every experience we have had in lives will turn us into very different people from one another.

It sounds like you are very introspective and learn things about yourself quickly. A people pleaser who does not work in that fashion and is trying to keep up can easily get burnt out.

Understanding autism and autistic points of you may be helpful, but understanding the unique individuals before you will be much more helpful.
In other words, there are so many variables that only you and your boyfriend are aware of. The fact that he is neurodivergent is only one small piece of the puzzle here.

i absolutely agree. i’m very grateful for all the insight everyone has given me it has really allowed the opportunity for open mindedness on my part, but he is definitely his own person and to understand i have to ask questions and listen

 

[Hypnalis]

@taquitolover

A brief follow-up to my first post: There are two posts of mine in this thread that make some points I think are important considerations when discussing ND <-> NT communication:
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/new-to-this-looking-for-advice.42423/
BTW it's a good thread overall, but I'm only suggesting you read my two posts.

Note that those posts are consistent with most of the material here - for example you could see it as a more wordy restatement of @Rodafina 's post #19, and of parts of some other posts.

If it seems like it will be a lot of effort to develop good communication with your partner, it will.
But this is true for most relationships (i.e. including NT-NT). Poor communication has to be the biggest issue with all relationship stability.
Start work on it early, keep working on it "forever".

FWIW: about 50% of the reason I worded my first post as I did was the "stream of consciousness" style of your first post. I won't explain exactly why (it's just an indicator, not a solid fact), but if you're still participating on Monday next week, and interested in an answer, feel free to ask.

 

[taquitolover]

thank you i will read this right now

 

[Lysholm]

infantilization is sometimes the proper word

You are correct. I mean, I'm not trying to counter your points. It's just, in this case, the dude sounds more like a dipstick than a leach. You know? I don't think OP is beating themself up or has unrealistic expectations. Seems they just wanted some insight to chew on and to hear there may indeed be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Many of us women grow up with the notion that we will change men into what we want them to be by parenting them and guiding them through the relationship.

I can see why my contributions would throw red flags. Thanks for pointing that out.

On the flip side, guys are expected to tolerate all kinds of crazy from women, like we're just supposed to be able to take it or something. Perhaps I'm biased in this guy's favor. But, in this particular thread, I don't see any tells that OP is delusional or being manipulated.

i care about him and am willing to change and grow my mindset

As long as he's acting reciprocally he is worthy of your help.

 

[Rodafina]

You are correct. I mean, I'm not trying to counter your points. It's just, in this case, the dude sounds more like a dipstick than a leach. You know? I don't think OP is beating themself up or has unrealistic expectations. Seems they just wanted some insight to chew on and to hear there may indeed be a light at the end of the tunnel.


I can see why my contributions would throw red flags. Thanks for pointing that out.

On the flip side, guys are expected to tolerate all kinds of crazy from women, like we're just supposed to be able to take it or something. Perhaps I'm biased in this guy's favor. But, in this particular thread, I don't see any tells that OP is delusional or being manipulated.


As long as he's acting reciprocally he is worthy of your help.

Fair enough. Also not trying to counter your points, experience and advice here. It’s all valuable to think about.

 

[taquitolover]

You are correct. I mean, I'm not trying to counter your points. It's just, in this case, the dude sounds more like a dipstick than a leach. You know? I don't think OP is beating themself up or has unrealistic expectations. Seems they just wanted some insight to chew on and to hear there may indeed be a light at the end of the tunnel.


I can see why my contributions would throw red flags. Thanks for pointing that out.

On the flip side, guys are expected to tolerate all kinds of crazy from women, like we're just supposed to be able to take it or something. Perhaps I'm biased in this guy's favor. But, in this particular thread, I don't see any tells that OP is delusional or being manipulated.


As long as he's acting reciprocally he is worthy of your help.

everyone is always worthy of help and in my heart currently i wish to help. of course though i understand things are a two way street, he says he will surprise me soon so i’m looking forward to that

 

[UberScout]

I don't claim to be wise but I am pretty good at giving SOME kind of advice, though because thinking like a computer is harder for me than it is for others, I can only say it this way:

If your heart is beating and so is his, then ask him if his heart feels right. If one of yours beats differently, you may yet have your answer. Do not mistake it for "no", however, this is not always the case.

Some people are simply afraid of love, because they have spent so much time giving it but not receiving it; sure, it can come from your family, from anywhere, but our human nature is flawed, and there is no shame in wanting to know the answer.

Just tell him how you feel and be honest. Let him know you just want to make him feel safe.

 

[paloftoon]

Definitely hear from him about why he stares at other women before you judge if you haven't already.

Also, it seems you are getting jealous he is staring at other women. Some people consider jealousy healthy, but many people like myself do not consider it healthy. Even many NTs may do this. It's okay to "stare" but not to touch sort of thing. If he starts initiating touches and they aren't family members or super close friends even, even if it's "just a hug", then I think you'd be in a space for more concern. If you can't trust him, if this staring is too much for you, you may have to consider a break up in the long run.

Him breaking up with you, even for a short period of time, is showing that your lack of trust in him is starting to wear on him. A therapist can help you sort through these issues too.

 

[Kalinychta]

If my boyfriend were constantly staring at other women only six months into our relationship, I’d require a Pulitzer Prize-winning explanation from him, or I’d dump him.

 

[taquitolover]

If my boyfriend were constantly staring at other women only six months into our relationship, I’d require a Pulitzer Prize-winning explanation from him, or I’d dump him.

he broke up with me again :/