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boyfriend broke up with me but instantly regretted it, i accepted him back how do i heal?

taquitolover said:
it’s okay you didn’t make me feel guilty. i can only assume he wants to sleep around because he said the desire and thoughts cloud his mind too heavily and that he doesn’t trust that in the moment he wouldn’t do it. it is not personal what he’s going through but definitely hearing that hurt a lot
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I understand, but maybe with him being young he is being completely honest with you . In my experience Nt partners have said to me right to my face that they would never cheat . But they did anyhow . I would have rather someone been completely up front .

And that would have set a limit or meter how much I would want to invest in that person. Also in my experience trust is something that grows maybe… and also the whole concept of love maybe…. I don’t think it is completely setting parameters for barriers right from the start . At least people say that they do . But in reality is that true ? From what I have observed and from my own experience it seems to be based on the individuals and where they possibly are in their current objectives in life . 2 peoples objectives have to line up for a foundation to be built properly. In my opinion.
 
sorry i have so much to say. we thoroughly spoke everything because i do not want to be in a relationship without trust. he said that and then he said he’s capable and aware of his actions and even if someone came onto him he would go in the other direction. a lot of mixed signals… he doesn’t seem to know what he wants ontop of it. i’m going to try and not ruminate anymore because there isn’t much to do right now and making myself sick for a week won’t help
 
I understand. Just so you know, as well with autistic people our facial expressions and body language may not line up with our thoughts. And being that you’re an NT person 90% of communication is nonverbal and with him being autistic you are definitely not getting the full picture of his thought process especially through social and verbal cues from him that is contingent where he is on the spectrum. some of us are good at it. Some of us are really bad.


Yes, take a break. Don’t make yourself sick.
 
taquitolover said:
i’m going to try and not ruminate anymore because there isn’t much to do right now and making myself sick for a week won’t help
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I am not telling you to stop writing here, but this is a really really good idea. Rumination is something I understand! Many of us here do. But it gets us nowhere.

Plus, with him physically in inpatient care, you will really have to fill in all the blanks yourself and many of us here on the forum also know this can be bad business. For my part, I always fill in the blanks with negative things about myself and this is wrong.

Take a break. He has his space, you take yours. You’re still welcome here with us.
 
i really cant thank you enough, all of you for taking the time you guys have to support me here, it was really the only place it felt safe to go as i didn’t want to talk to people who know us who i felt couldn’t understand and would wrongfully judge the situation. i myself have OCD so ruminating is something i’m known for but i will try to find positives here.
 
Lots of things in life have no answers. I think this is one thing you should chock up to that. You won't find closure or a solution to this puzzle because these don't exist in this particular case. You are looking for something that isn't there, me thinks.

taquitolover said:
he wants to sleep around because he said the desire and thoughts cloud his mind too heavily
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Two things:

1 - I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this "desire" is more or less a pet theory of his. I mean IDK for sure, but if he acts this way around you I cannot imagine he's this charming womanizer. Maybe he thinks he cannot commit yet because he's just about to reach his apex slayer years or something. Regardless, he obviously needs to mature a lot before he could give you what you need. But, he needs to do that on his own and somewhere else.

2 - I think this is proof you are not a let down, undesirable, or "damaged goods" in any way. Just in case you were thinking that, you know? I'm fairly certain he isn't "rejecting" you for any tangible reason that you may be self-conscious about. Whatever it is, it's all in his head, so you move on and don't worry about it. I encourage you to not be offended by his behavior, but also to not tolerate it. He obviously doesn't know what he wants.
 
this is very hard for me because i love and care for him so much and i don’t think or maybe i am just sad but maybe i won’t love someone like i love him.. that is okay though i will move on
 
hi everyone just an update in case you were worried with how he was doing, he called me earlier but my phone was off, said he was doing alrigjt so far and that he’d call me a little later
 
last update everyone! he said that the inpatient place doesn’t really take care of it’s patients and that he is going to search for therapy when he gets out tomorrow. we’ve been talking on the phone and he wants me to visit him. i am. i decided to focus on making small decisions, like being there for him while he’s there, and then taking it slow to figure out what’s best for me moving forward.
 
we are broken up but we remain friends. i am very devastated, but i accept it. i shared with him exactly how i felt and i listened to him. i however think it’s very unfair for him to hug me and kiss me on the head the day before and say i love you. to say i love you when he broke up with me. and to tell me he wants to be with me but can’t. but i understand he doesn’t feel mature enough for it. i understand i do, but he ripped my heart out in the process. thank you everyone for being on this journey with me… i will continue learning and being in this community if you’ll all allow me
 
taquitolover said:
we are broken up but we remain friends. i am very devastated, but i accept it. i shared with him exactly how i felt and i listened to him. i however think it’s very unfair for him to hug me and kiss me on the head the day before and say i love you. to say i love you when he broke up with me. and to tell me he wants to be with me but can’t. but i understand he doesn’t feel mature enough for it. i understand i do, but he ripped my heart out in the process. thank you everyone for being on this journey with me… i will continue learning and being in this community if you’ll all allow me
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hardest thing to be vulnerable with your feelings knowing nothing will change. however i do not want to be with him anymore i just hope to repair from this pain
 

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Why the "stingers" in your blue post?

Leave him alone, or be supportive.

Given that he's under a lot of stress, this is absolutely not the time for a "me me me" complaint.
 
we have been speaking about his feelings for the past week, he asked me to my intention was not to guilt him or hurt him but he was treating me like everything that just happened was okay. we are fine
 
this was the after, we just both agreed if we wanted to maintain a friendship we wanted to be honest to not have any more resentment
 

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If you stay engaged during this difficult time, you have a moral obligation as a human not to do any harm.
That means setting your own wishes and ego aside for the good of a fragile fellow human.

That mans don't write stuff like your line "... I won't feel terrible forever".
You're pushing your issues onto someone who's in no shape to deal with them.

You know you'll get over this. It's not obvious that he will.
So don't talk about your perspective until he's recovered.

Wait until he's ok, meet for coffee, and get your "closure" then, when the process is unlikely to do any harm,.

For now, do the right thing ...
Stop projecting responsibility for your emotional state onto him, and start helping him find his balance.
 
taquitolover said:
i however think it’s very unfair for him to hug me and kiss me on the head the day before and say i love you. to say i love you when he broke up with me. and to tell me he wants to be with me but can’t.
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While we're all entitled to our ideas of love, sometimes people insist on loving us their way even when they know it's hurtful to us. It's a very painful feeling.
 
@taquitolover

I wish we could talk more about this, but at best it's not a process that can be handled in a forum, and other factors (e.g. the NT-ND communication gap ) make it harder.

My earlier offers (direct and indirect) still hold though - if you want to discuss what's going on, just ask.
 
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