Boyfriend w/Aspergers wanted 'open relationship'. Can you help me try to understand?

[AloneNotLonely]

He didn't manipulate you, he just changed his mind once he realized there are other women interested in him.

As a downright evil Autistic person I can tell you that we are definitely capable of being evil . Everyone also pretty much sees me as an angel . Much to great frustration to people that actually know me. No matter how much they try to tell others I'm not the perfect little angel I portray myself to be, nobody believes them. Muahaha... ahem. You catch my drift.

He just doesn't see romance in the typical way. He probably has such a disconnect between such emotions and his thinking that he just sees it as a weird peculiarity. He also doesn't seem to be very educated on venereal diseases or that the sheer rarity of certain desirable personality traits means some women are special when searching for a partner. Who knows how he will look back on this part of his life? He might not care or feel particularly stupid about it. I wouldn't waste too much thought on it, it tends to keep you locked up with the idea that you can get back together. He might never want to have the kind of relationship you are looking for, or simply never reach the level of responsibility and maturity for it.

 

[All-Rounder]

As a downright evil Autistic person I can tell you that we are definitely capable of being evil . Everyone also pretty much sees me as an angel . Much to great frustration to people that actually know me. No matter how much they try to tell others I'm not the perfect little angel I portray myself to be, nobody believes them. Muahaha... ahem. You catch my drift.

What's the evilest thing you've done? Should we call the cops?

 

[Sab]

I can understand a lot of his behavior because I’ve been having what appears to be similar struggles with my partner. I prefer a non-monogamous structure because it's important to me to have space outside of a serious relationship for simplicity and fun (that's what allows me to be my best self in the relationship and to not feel under pressure so much). Relationships can be overwhelming and demanding for people on the spectrum and can be a lot of work. I can relate to the feeling of being torn between wanting to commit and wanting to stay inside their comfort zone. If this is his first serious relationship, there’s probably a lot showing up and a lot of internal stuff going on. There’s a lot of pressure on sex in relationships so if he’s having trouble with that (a lot of people on the spectrum are asexual) it might add a lot of stress and pressure to the relationship. To me (and I’m totally projecting my own experience), it seems as though he cares about you and wants a relationship with you but feels easily overwhelmed and stressed and is trying to figure out a structure or ways to share a relationship with you that also works with where he’s at in regards to his own stuff and in a way that is sustainable for him (doesn’t provoke eternal meltdowns). But yeah, that’s 100/100 me projecting how I feel in my relationship I still hope it’s helpful!

 

[All-Rounder]

I can understand a lot of his behavior because I’ve been having what appears to be similar struggles with my partner. I prefer a non-monogamous structure because it's important to me to have space outside of a serious relationship for simplicity and fun (that's what allows me to be my best self in the relationship and to not feel under pressure so much). Relationships can be overwhelming and demanding for people on the spectrum and can be a lot of work. I can relate to the feeling of being torn between wanting to commit and wanting to stay inside their comfort zone. If this is his first serious relationship, there’s probably a lot showing up and a lot of internal stuff going on. There’s a lot of pressure on sex in relationships so if he’s having trouble with that (a lot of people on the spectrum are asexual) it might add a lot of stress and pressure to the relationship. To me (and I’m totally projecting my own experience), it seems as though he cares about you and wants a relationship with you but feels easily overwhelmed and stressed and is trying to figure out a structure or ways to share a relationship with you that also works with where he’s at in regards to his own stuff and in a way that is sustainable for him (doesn’t provoke eternal meltdowns). But yeah, that’s 100/100 me projecting how I feel in my relationship I still hope it’s helpful!

How do you cope with it?

 

[Kalinychta]

His behavior has nothing to do with autism. He's made it clear to you that he doesn't want you. He likes to have you around only when his ego needs a blow job, so to speak, or when he's lonely. And he uses your feelings for him whenever he wants to get high on feeling admired and worshipped. And then as soon as he's gotten his fill, not only does he toss you aside and "date" (sleep with) other people, he TELLS you that he does this, which makes it obvious that he likes messing with you and gets off on hurting you. You're like a dog to him--he cuddles and loves you when it pleases him, kicks you away when it doesn't, and expects you to always come limping back to him again and again so that he can repeat the cycle whenever he wants.

Dude, MOVE ON. Seriously. He doesn't want you. The fact that you can't accept this denotes that the problem here is not him--it's YOU. I think you've got some serious self-esteem and abandonment issues going on. You can't "buy" his love by showing him how much you think you care about and love him. The more you do that, the less he's going to respect you. And anyway, your feelings sound more like obsession, not love.

It's an emotionally abusive "relationship." Cut him off, don't speak to him anymore, and move on. You'll be in pain for a month or two, but after that, you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Although open relationships can be positive for some couples, the way he is trying to force it on you is awful.

 

[Kalinychta]

As a downright evil Autistic person I can tell you that we are definitely capable of being evil . Everyone also pretty much sees me as an angel . Much to great frustration to people that actually know me. No matter how much they try to tell others I'm not the perfect little angel I portray myself to be, nobody believes them. Muahaha... ahem. You catch my drift.

This sounds more like antisocial personality disorder than autistic spectrum disorder...

 

[KateDubs]

@Kalinychta - well, I think I deserve a little credit here! I told him 'no' & have been no contact since (6 days ago). Also I don't think it's fair he only wants me around when he feels like it. He was always supportive & available when I needed him (I've been through some hard times in recent months). BUT I agree that his behaviour has been extremely selfish at times.

He actually waited until the last day of the trip to tell me he had been on a date with someone else...I think he was putting off mentioning it, as he waited until the last minute before I was leaving again. I know you're saying he brought it up to hurt me, and I suppose that is a possibility.

But there was actually a moment a day earlier where he initiated a talk. He said he'd need time if we were going to get into a really serious relationship...the crazy thing about all of this is that none of it has felt calculated. I feel like right now he's a MESS and this is how his messiness is materialising.

Unfortunately for me, I do love him. I also think there's a lot of truth in what you have said here.

 

[KateDubs]

I have done a lot of thinking today about this situation - a week has passed and I've been reflecting on the trip.

I've realised that I would have probably ended up breaking it off, as his behaviours on the trip were getting on my nerves:

- I have learned to be in the moment a lot more lately, but there were a few occasions when we'd be having a nice meal & he'd constantly be planning ahead for the next moment (possibly due to his anxiety, but this made ME anxious).
- He freaked out about minor things on multiple occasions (again, I'm guessing due to his anxiety). At one point he actually grabbed on to me like a child grabs onto their mother after something traumatic has just happened. He also walked in on me ON THE TOILET because he needed to talk to me right now, he was really panicking. He was taking valium throughout the trip.
- Lastly, RE he was opening up to me more and more about his child abuse. He only JUST remembered it happened less than a year ago, which tells me he has much to work through. He's seeing a therapist.

I think I will delete him off social media and give it at least 6 months. If I've moved on by that time, then ok, that's that. But I may want to reconnect him with as a genuine friend (depending on how I feel). The thing is, he WAS a wonderful friend - but he is not a good boyfriend (and according to him, this is a pattern). He hurt me in an unacceptable manner and I walked away from him. I have NO intention of ever wanting to re-kindle romantically and he clearly isn't ready to be a decent partner to anyone. I want to be with someone more stable who can be strong for me like I am for him.

 

[Kalinychta]

Kalinychta - well, I think I deserve a little credit here! I told him 'no' & have been no contact since (6 days ago). Also I don't think it's fair he only wants me around when he feels like it. He was always available when I needed him (I've been through some hard times in recent months). BUT I agree that his behaviour has been extremely selfish at times.

He actually waited until the last day of the trip to tell me he had been on a date with someone else...I think he was putting off mentioning it, as he waited until the last minute before I was leaving again. I know you're saying he brought it up to hurt me, and I suppose that is a possibility.

But there was actually a moment a day earlier where he initiated a talk. He said he'd need time if we were going to get into a really serious relationship...the crazy thing about all of this is that none of it has felt calculated. I feel like right now he's a MESS and this is how his messiness is materialising.

Unfortunately for me, I do love him. I also think there's a lot of truth in what you have said here.

I was probably too specific, you're right. But he's jerking you around and treating you very disrespectfully. If it were me, I'd break it off with him. His behavior is just going to continue, and you'll have wasted so much time on a guy who doesn't want to be with you.

 

[KateDubs]

Well, I have broken it off with him and asked him not to contact me. For exactly the reasons you state: for hurting me & treating me disrespectfully. The only thing that has shifted my mindset slightly over the past day or so is realising that I didn't really want him as a serious partner because he is not stable (but when we were friends, without the romance, he was one of the best friends I've ever had). I didn't mention this before, but I actually broke it off very early on due to his behaviour. He pursued me and acted very, very committed until I gave things another chance - only to pull this!

I think he did want me, but also wanted others. He was deluded to even raise an open relationship. He didn't want me enough not to lose me, which is the key here. I'm going to cut him off, do some serious work on myself and then see how I feel some months down the line.

 

[Kalinychta]

Well, I have broken it off with him and asked him not to contact me. For exactly the reasons you state: for hurting me & treating me disrespectfully. The only thing that has shifted my mindset slightly over the past day or so is realising that I didn't really want him as a serious partner because he is not stable (but when we were friends, without the romance, he was one of the best friends I've ever had). I didn't mention this before, but I actually broke it off very early on due to his behaviour. He pursued me and acted very, very committed until I gave things another chance - only to pull this!

I think he did want me, but also wanted others. He was deluded to even raise an open relationship. He didn't want me enough not to lose me, which is the key here. I'm going to cut him off, do some serious work on myself and then see how I feel some months down the line.

That sounds like a good plan. Much better for you than having to feel bad about this all the time.

 

[KateDubs]

He didn't manipulate you, he just changed his mind once he realized there are other women interested in him.

As a downright evil Autistic person I can tell you that we are definitely capable of being evil . Everyone also pretty much sees me as an angel . Much to great frustration to people that actually know me. No matter how much they try to tell others I'm not the perfect little angel I portray myself to be, nobody believes them. Muahaha... ahem. You catch my drift.

He just doesn't see romance in the typical way. He probably has such a disconnect between such emotions and his thinking that he just sees it as a weird peculiarity. He also doesn't seem to be very educated on venereal diseases or that the sheer rarity of certain desirable personality traits means some women are special when searching for a partner. Who knows how he will look back on this part of his life? He might not care or feel particularly stupid about it. I wouldn't waste too much thought on it, it tends to keep you locked up with the idea that you can get back together. He might never want to have the kind of relationship you are looking for, or simply never reach the level of responsibility and maturity for it.

I connect to what you have said a lot here. It was strange because I had some of the most romantic times of my life with him. But then during the trip he said something about how he could appreciate romantic in other peoples lives...just not his own (which was a really weird thing to say, because of how romantic our time together has been). He is only 24, so it's fair enough, but still. There's a quote in one of my favourite movies that says something like -

'when you're young, you think there's loads of people you'll connect with. Then you get a little older and realise it only happens a handful of times.'

^ he hasn't met enough people to understand that yet imo (who knows what the future holds for him). I go to a lot of meet ups and events, and I rarely meet men I connect with like I instantly connected with him. It's depressing when I think about how much time it could take me to make a similar connection again! I need to get a bit more discerning about what I'm looking for.

 

[KateDubs]

I can understand a lot of his behavior because I’ve been having what appears to be similar struggles with my partner. I prefer a non-monogamous structure because it's important to me to have space outside of a serious relationship for simplicity and fun (that's what allows me to be my best self in the relationship and to not feel under pressure so much). Relationships can be overwhelming and demanding for people on the spectrum and can be a lot of work. I can relate to the feeling of being torn between wanting to commit and wanting to stay inside their comfort zone. If this is his first serious relationship, there’s probably a lot showing up and a lot of internal stuff going on. There’s a lot of pressure on sex in relationships so if he’s having trouble with that (a lot of people on the spectrum are asexual) it might add a lot of stress and pressure to the relationship. To me (and I’m totally projecting my own experience), it seems as though he cares about you and wants a relationship with you but feels easily overwhelmed and stressed and is trying to figure out a structure or ways to share a relationship with you that also works with where he’s at in regards to his own stuff and in a way that is sustainable for him (doesn’t provoke eternal meltdowns). But yeah, that’s 100/100 me projecting how I feel in my relationship I still hope it’s helpful!

Thanks for your post. Yes, it's all true that this was his first real relationship - but remember, just as things were getting serious, he informed me it wasn't a proper relationship after all, oh AND, he'd been on a date.

He verbally said he didn't want a relationship, although his actions had all suggested otherwise/he consistently behaved like a committed boyfriend. What can I do with that information? As I said before, he has quite a low sex drive (asexuality has crossed my mind, not sure) & he was always more focused on companionship. I do agree that he was trying to find a 'structure' that would work FOR HIM - but it just so happens that structure wouldn't work for me. He tried to say we could revisit the 'open' status if it wasn't working for us in a few months etc, but I didn't want to do that. Just today, I talked to a friend who told me she was once agreed to this kind of set up and regretted it ever since.

 

[Kalinychta]

I connect to what you have said a lot here. It was strange because I had some of the most romantic times of my life with him. But then during the trip he said something about how he could appreciate romantic in other peoples lives...just not his own (which was a really weird thing to say, because of how romantic our time together has been). He is only 24, so it's fair enough, but still. There's a quote in one of my favourite movies that says something like -

'when you're young, you think there's loads of people you'll connect with. Then you get a little older and realise it only happens a handful of times.'

^ he hasn't met enough people to understand that yet imo (who knows what the future holds for him). I go to a lot of meet ups and events, and I rarely meet men I connect with like I instantly connected with him. It's depressing when I think about how much time it could take me to make a similar connection again! I need to get a bit more discerning about what I'm looking for.

I think your movie quote says it all. Maybe you connected with him because he told you what you wanted to hear. And then eventually revealed his true feelings/uncertainties in the rather cold things he said to you. Autistic people do tend to "conform" (we act and camouflage in order to fit in), and it sounds like he may have done this with you (hence his behaving in one way and then later negating the whole thing or expressing a radically different view about something).

But also, sadly, men flatter and exaggerate and lie to women all the time to get what they want (usually sex), especially young men like him.

 

[KateDubs]

I think your movie quote says it all. Maybe you connected with him because he told you what you wanted to hear. And then eventually revealed his true feelings/uncertainties in the rather cold things he said to you. Autistic people do tend to "conform" (we act and camouflage in order to fit in), and it sounds like he may have done this with you (hence his behaving in one way and then later negating the whole thing or expressing a radically different view about something).

But also, sadly, men flatter and exaggerate and lie to women all the time to get what they want (usually sex), especially young men like him.

He doesn't seem to connect long-term with anyone that isn't family. Before he left this city where I'm living, and where we met, he said I was the ONLY thing he would miss. He was born there and lived here his whole life? He even said that he often regretfully loses touch with people because he becomes so involved in getting to know new people as it is a way of 'gathering knowledge about the world.' I have several old, loyal, friends so I found this perspective strange and a bit troubling (I thought, how long am I going to last then!?).

The first connection was: when we met, he asked if I'd hear of a book he was writing an article on. Unbelievably, this was my favourite book (& not super well known) and I'd never met someone who loved it as I do. Then it turned out we were in the same career, on a similar path, and had easy chemistry. All that was real imo.

But I agree that he probably also did quite a bit of conforming (though I didn't realise at the time), plus flattery. I think he 'hammed' it up to fit in with me, but the raw materials were there, if that makes sense. When I reflect on it now, I can pinpoint times when I think he was acting and camouflaging sometimes to make that connection. I was suppose we all do it to an extent.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think you didn't pay much mind to red flags and try to gain clarification such as 'to what degree do you camouflage day to day with me, [compared to others]?' etc. I think if youd get more understanding of it you couldve better put things back to back.

I recall often being convinced of never dating someone again and doing it again and again, falling back into the feelings, so if you have experience with this and there have been no issues with remaining friends with someone youve already given another chance I would say you can try friendship. But given hes great at manipulation and lies I would say thats a very dangerous state to place yourself in especially if youre looking to be convinced hes actually not the liar he has proven himself to be.

And then where is the connection with a friend you cannot trust and don't agree with on such significant things. Id rather feel repulsion towards a friend if i knew this about him.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

This sounds more like antisocial personality disorder than autistic spectrum disorder...

Not everything is a personality disorder. These days every breakup has to be attached to some personality disorder. "He's a Narcissist, he has Antisocial PD, he's a psychopath, gaslighting instead of candlelighting, wake up ladies he's a shapeshifter!".

You can't always tell the truth, especially when you are the odd one out. If I told everyone the truth I'd be dead in a ditch or in jail before the end of the week. At least I have some semblance of honour so I don't go prowling clubs like a thirsty beast, which seems to be the norm for guys these days. Just plain normal is already very sick, so I guess everyone can be diagnosed with some form of PD? Or maybe the average person is just trash?

 

[Mary Lyn]

The previous post is exactly what these disordered characters do - try to normalise it. It is a fact that there are an increasing amount of pathological characters around.

A little peruse on psychology sites will serve to educate one.

 

[KateDubs]

I think you didn't pay much mind to red flags and try to gain clarification such as 'to what degree do you camouflage day to day with me, [compared to others]?' etc. I think if youd get more understanding of it you couldve better put things back to back.

I recall often being convinced of never dating someone again and doing it again and again, falling back into the feelings, so if you have experience with this and there have been no issues with remaining friends with someone youve already given another chance I would say you can try friendship. But given hes great at manipulation and lies I would say thats a very dangerous state to place yourself in especially if youre looking to be convinced hes actually not the liar he has proven himself to be.

And then where is the connection with a friend you cannot trust and don't agree with on such significant things. Id rather feel repulsion towards a friend if i knew this about him.

What would repulse you Rexi - the fact he suggested an open relationship? I meant to say RE this date he went on - he said at first he thought it was just two friends catching up, it was only when she contacted him afterwards that it became clear what her intentions were. Obviously he was interested in her though and it was a slap in the face for me.