Boyfriend w/Aspergers wanted 'open relationship'. Can you help me try to understand?

[paloftoon]

I can see why you would be distraught after 7 months and then go to a foreign country and get that kind of response. He probably felt it better to talk about it in-person than over the phone or such when he started having interest in other things.

It is also possible he is no longer interested in monogamy. If you would be okay with the possibility that he might never ever be monogamous with you, or if you want to consider being strictly platonic with him, then I suggest you send him a message giving him permission to contact you again. I would wait one full month before you send him such a message though at least, just to give yourself some space to think. Whether you're platonic or want something, when you and him initiate contact, you have to invite him to do things that are at YOUR convenience and will respect your time and energy regardless of whether he shows up or not.

People can be hurtful, and we don't all always make the best choices either. But you have to decide what you feel is best for you. What we all can agree with is that he is no longer into you and that if you have to revert back to "how he was" and can't be okay with how he is now if you were to spend time with him again, then yes, cut off contact with him. No need to block him but I'd say unfriend him on social media.

 

[All-Rounder]

What would repulse you Rexi - the fact he suggested an open relationship? I meant to say RE this date he went on - he said at first he thought it was just two friends catching up, it was only when she contacted him afterwards that it became clear what her intentions were. Obviously he was interested in her though and it was a slap in the face for me.

Example, I was interested in a guy and he said he was interested too then his ex came around and he no longer wanted the same thing, he wanted to be with both of us and not be in a relationship. This broke my heart, but I still wanted to remain friends with him and tried to. But thinking he isn't able to decide and would consider messing around with women as well as he changes his mind, that isn't the type of person who I was able to connect with, it left me feeling very uncomfortable with having him around and I just couldn't be really friends.

So Im saying to me a friend I have to like enough how he behaves with me, others and his values, if he goes around doing bad things and not recognizing it's not ok as well as trying to grow, I don't want to surround myself with such a person and neither can I trust his decisions in general and in regard to the friendship.

 

[All-Rounder]

All his mistakes I mean, fact he cheated and didn't stop, fact he tried to suggest something he knew you wouldn't accept, fact he asked you to go in his country even though he was not srs about the relationship which seems like a way to sleep with you, fact he didn't respect your intimate times and your feelings, fact he didn't think about you at all and hasn't broken it off once you signaled you were in love. He doesn't care if you are in love or want something more, its about what he wants and he doesn't try to be a better man if he wants you, he expects you to give up who you are and live in misery like a sort of a slave to his wishes all the while he remains the mess hes been or possibly gets worse as he realizes he can do what he wants and will still get the girls; possibly if they're in love enough they will stay too while hes not committing

 

[KateDubs]

I can see why you would be distraught after 7 months and then go to a foreign country and get that kind of response. He probably felt it better to talk about it in-person than over the phone or such when he started having interest in other things.

It is also possible he is no longer interested in monogamy. If you would be okay with the possibility that he might never ever be monogamous with you, or if you want to consider being strictly platonic with him, then I suggest you send him a message giving him permission to contact you again. I would wait one full month before you send him such a message though at least, just to give yourself some space to think. Whether you're platonic or want something, when you and him initiate contact, you have to invite him to do things that are at YOUR convenience and will respect your time and energy regardless of whether he shows up or not.

People can be hurtful, and we don't all always make the best choices either. But you have to decide what you feel is best for you. What we all can agree with is that he is no longer into you and that if you have to revert back to "how he was" and can't be okay with how he is now if you were to spend time with him again, then yes, cut off contact with him. No need to block him but I'd say unfriend him on social media.

Tell me this. If he was 'no longer into me', why:-

- suggest an open relationship at all (rather than just break up?)
- behave so enamoured up until the last moment. By this I mean, he was openly cuddling and kissing me, whispering sweet nothings, holding my hand, an hour before asking for the open relationship. He ALSO asked me to return soon and asked to visit me in my country the following month.

^ why would he do those things if he wasn't into me? Does it not make more sense to say he liked me but was also keen to explore others.

 

[tree]

OK. He was "openly cuddling and kissing" you, "an hour before asking for the open relationship."

Apparently the cuddles and kisses were so much fun, he wants to get all he can, so he's
hoping to expand opportunities by having what he calls "an open relationship."

He asked you to return.
Sure. Why not?
He's *open* to it.

But he doesn't promise to devote his attention solely to you.

 

[KateDubs]

I can see why you would be distraught after 7 months and then go to a foreign country and get that kind of response. He probably felt it better to talk about it in-person than over the phone or such when he started having interest in other things.

It is also possible he is no longer interested in monogamy. If you would be okay with the possibility that he might never ever be monogamous with you, or if you want to consider being strictly platonic with him, then I suggest you send him a message giving him permission to contact you again. I would wait one full month before you send him such a message though at least, just to give yourself some space to think. Whether you're platonic or want something, when you and him initiate contact, you have to invite him to do things that are at YOUR convenience and will respect your time and energy regardless of whether he shows up or not.

People can be hurtful, and we don't all always make the best choices either. But you have to decide what you feel is best for you. What we all can agree with is that he is no longer into you and that if you have to revert back to "how he was" and can't be okay with how he is now if you were to spend time with him again, then yes, cut off contact with him. No need to block him but I'd say unfriend him on social media.

I am going to delete him from social media and take time out for myself. I will probably wait longer than a month, possibly as long as 6 months, if I decide to get in contact.

Regardless of his feelings (or lack of feelings towards me), I don't wish to pursue anything romantic with him. The trip gave me a chance to see another side of him. Apart from the open relationship nonsense, I also saw a messy guy with a lot of anxiety that prevents him from functioning properly. I need to find someone more on my wavelength.

I admit that when we first met I was also a bit of a mess. But in those months I have grown a lot. He played a BIG part in restoring my confidence. I was a sad, broken mess when I met him. He really lifted me up and supported me. I had lost all belief in myself & little by little he encouraged me to believe in myself again. I am honestly very grateful for that & I do think it is valuable.

But his recent behaviour cannot be ignored. This is also a part of him. He hurt me and I need to recover from that and see if I desire a friendship or not once I am on a new path.

 

[KateDubs]

OK. He was "openly cuddling and kissing" you, "an hour before asking for the open relationship."

Apparently the cuddles and kisses were so much fun, he wants to get all he can, so he's
hoping to expand opportunities by having what he calls "an open relationship."

He asked you to return.
Sure. Why not?
He's *open* to it.

But he doesn't promise to devote his attention solely to you.

Of course @tree. Romantically, he has been a big disappointment. I want/need someone that will be devoted to me only. I'd be curious to see how many women he *actually* finds that are willing to accept an open relationship. I think most of us want one person to love and vice versa.

 

[Judge]

Of course @tree. Romantically, he has been a big disappointment.

Interesting choice of words. While it may well not be true in the aggregate sense, I'm tempted to say, "I suspect most males on the spectrum are "disappointing" to NTs in terms of how they perceive romance. Something to me that is more akin to Neurotypical social rituals like dating.

Sex is easy. Romance is arduous in comparison. Something for any NT woman to consider IMO as they stray into a relationship with a male on the spectrum.

 

[paloftoon]

I am going to delete him from social media and take time out for myself. I will probably wait longer than a month, possibly as long as 6 months, if I decide to get in contact.

Regardless of his feelings (or lack of feelings towards me), I don't wish to pursue anything romantic with him. The trip gave me a chance to see another side of him. Apart from the open relationship nonsense, I also saw a messy guy with a lot of anxiety that prevents him from functioning properly. I need to find someone more on my wavelength.

I admit that when we first met I was also a bit of a mess. But in those months I have grown a lot. He played a BIG part in restoring my confidence. I was a sad, broken mess when I met him. He really lifted me up and supported me. I had lost all belief in myself & little by little he encouraged me to believe in myself again. I am honestly very grateful for that & I do think it is valuable.

But his recent behaviour cannot be ignored. This is also a part of him. He hurt me and I need to recover from that and see if I desire a friendship or not once I am on a new path.

You now have a plan and made a decision! Great! This will help you grow and figure out how to continue on your path!

 

[paloftoon]

Tell me this. If he was 'no longer into me', why:-

- suggest an open relationship at all (rather than just break up?)
- behave so enamoured up until the last moment. By this I mean, he was openly cuddling and kissing me, whispering sweet nothings, holding my hand, an hour before asking for the open relationship. He ALSO asked me to return soon and asked to visit me in my country the following month.

^ why would he do those things if he wasn't into me? Does it not make more sense to say he liked me but was also keen to explore others.

I think he truly was into you. But when he moved into a different country and had different experiences and thoughts, his mind swayed. I think it swayed in a way that is not compatible with your current thought process for dating.

Humans are selfish. Sometimes, maybe some of us want to be able to have fun with multiple people rather than concentrate on one person only and we don't do that near the beginning. Or, we want to selfishly get a little more fun in before closing things off more.

He was into you an hour before because he wanted to enjoy some last fun moments with you before officially closing it off more. He didn't completely close it off because he enjoys you physically still. He might still be able to respect you as a person in the sense that you would be okay with a non-committed relationship now and maybe even a side piece if he wants something else instead to commit to or no one to commit to possibly. That's is why he did what he did.

Usually, if people want an open relationship, they want to experience fun with other people to have some degree of non-monogamy. It has become more of "a thing" now. There are different types of open relationships one can have, and the two partners should agree beforehand to how they want this to occur.

Such as:
1. Two partners can play separately however they want and whomever they are able to play with
a. This may work for some people particularly if one partner is not able to give out or desire the other partner sexually but the other partner wants the sexual experiences
2. Both primary partners are involved at the same time if there are additional partner(s) only.
3. Either 1 or 2 is okay.

Some open relationship expect the other partner to always be in the know about who the other primary partner is with. Some would not want to know about the other's partner(s). Some don't care either way. Some want to get to know the person before fun starts. Those are all different parameters that need to be discussed with your primary partner for a quality open relationship.

 

[KateDubs]

All his mistakes I mean, fact he cheated and didn't stop, fact he tried to suggest something he knew you wouldn't accept, fact he asked you to go in his country even though he was not srs about the relationship which seems like a way to sleep with you, fact he didn't respect your intimate times and your feelings, fact he didn't think about you at all and hasn't broken it off once you signaled you were in love. He doesn't care if you are in love or want something more, its about what he wants and he doesn't try to be a better man if he wants you, he expects you to give up who you are and live in misery like a sort of a slave to his wishes all the while he remains the mess hes been or possibly gets worse as he realizes he can do what he wants and will still get the girls;

Your post is very, very true! I do think he could become more messy before he gets better. Telling me is now 'friends' with other people in open relationships like it put the idea into his head. My friends are usually monogamous, committed sorts of people and I'd rather be aligned with them.

Also I cut off contact for ME, but also to send a clear message: you don't get to treat women you say you care about like this and have them still hang around for you. You treat women this way and you lose them. It was pretty clear that he hadn't expected me to tell him where to go. I'm quite proud of myself.

 

[KateDubs]

I think he truly was into you. But when he moved into a different country and had different experiences and thoughts, his mind swayed. I think it swayed in a way that is not compatible with your current thought process for dating.

Humans are selfish. Sometimes, maybe some of us want to be able to have fun with multiple people rather than concentrate on one person only and we don't do that near the beginning. Or, we want to selfishly get a little more fun in before closing things off more.

He was into you an hour before because he wanted to enjoy some last fun moments with you before officially closing it off more. He didn't completely close it off because he enjoys you physically still. He might still be able to respect you as a person in the sense that you would be okay with a non-committed relationship now and maybe even a side piece if he wants something else instead to commit to or no one to commit to possibly. That's is why he did what he did.

Usually, if people want an open relationship, they want to experience fun with other people to have some degree of non-monogamy. It has become more of "a thing" now. There are different types of open relationships one can have, and the two partners should agree beforehand to how they want this to occur.

Such as:
1. Two partners can play separately however they want and whomever they are able to play with
a. This may work for some people particularly if one partner is not able to give out or desire the other partner sexually but the other partner wants the sexual experiences
2. Both primary partners are involved at the same time if there are additional partner(s) only.
3. Either 1 or 2 is okay.

Some open relationship expect the other partner to always be in the know about who the other primary partner is with. Some would not want to know about the other's partner(s). Some don't care either way. Some want to get to know the person before fun starts. Those are all different parameters that need to be discussed with your primary partner for a quality open relationship.

Thanks @paloftoon ! I agree, he was very smitten before he left. Then his mind 'swayed' as you put it, as he is certainly too young to be settling down etc (the ONLY strange thing about this is he continued asking to me to move out there over Skype/call for hours on end right up to the visit? That's the strange part).

He basically asked me to be in an open relationship 'for now' - he suggested that he may want to get more serious with me after some more time - pur-lease! And what am I to do, hang around hopefully waiting? He said he wouldn't expect waiting but that's where he was at.

I agree, we both wanted to enjoy our last moments together. But I still think, that by bringing up the open relationship and asking us to visit each other, he was looking for a way to continue things. He told me how much he respects me (though I am dubious). Btw, I am not completely anti open relationships but for me (if it EVER happened for me, unlikely) I envision it being with someone who is committed to me as their primary partner for, say, years. He went from commitment to 'wishy washy' which was no deal.

When I said no to the open relationship he told me he was afraid of losing me because I mean a lot to him. I guess maybe I will feel the same way after some time has passed. But as I said, now is the time to forge my own path

 

[paloftoon]

Thanks @paloftoon ! I agree, he was very smitten before he left. Then his mind 'swayed' as you put it, as he is certainly too young to be settling down etc (the ONLY strange thing about this is he continued asking to me to move out there over Skype/call for hours on end right up to the visit? That's the strange part).

He basically asked me to be in an open relationship 'for now' - he suggested that he may want to get more serious with me after some more time - pur-lease! And what am I to do, hang around hopefully waiting? He said he wouldn't expect waiting but that's where he was at.

I agree, we both wanted to enjoy our last moments together. But I still think, that by bringing up the open relationship and asking us to visit each other, he was looking for a way to continue things. He told me how much he respects me (though I am dubious). Btw, I am not completely anti open relationships but for me (if it EVER happened for me, unlikely) I envision it being with someone who is committed to me as their primary partner for, say, years. He went from commitment to 'wishy washy' which was no deal.

When I said no to the open relationship he told me he was afraid of losing me because I mean a lot to him. I guess maybe I will feel the same way after some time has passed. But as I said, now is the time to forge my own path

Age is kind of just a number. He can settle down if he wants to, but doesn't have to per se. He wanted you to travel because selfishly, he still likes you to a degree and still wanted some action. He just didn't want it monogamously with you or in a manner that was substantial enough for you. I think he respects you in a selfish way. Like, he cares about you, but he didn't express his change in interests well and kind of dragged you to travel all the way abroad for you to find that information out. Ironically, he is afraid of losing you. Well, too bad for him. If he wants to see you again, and since there's a connection, you should let him see but you ask him to travel abroad to see you (as you already did for him) and maybe don't even pay for his meals. Do care about him, but treat the connection like it isn't as deep as you'd want it to be. But again, don't do this until you think you've had enough space. This feels like the continuing path you're looking for. Find a way to keep the contact but then move on at the same time.

He probably does want you to selfishly wait. And maybe he'd be okay or "okay" and ironically jealous if you had other side partners as well. Yeah, definitely don't wait. He needs to feel the "consequences" of his decision but your response should be as gently as possible. I don't think what he did was intentional- it was acting upon animal instinct and an addiction to lust.

He doesn't want to commit at this time. You do, or at least in a way that's in an agreed upon matter beforehand or discussed before certain actions are taken. Since those actions were taken prior, you feel slightly and understandably betrayed. So, it's human nature to sin in this manner. We have to deal with the situations in front of us and make choices with those situations we encounter.

 

[Kalinychta]

Not everything is a personality disorder. These days every breakup has to be attached to some personality disorder. "He's a Narcissist, he has Antisocial PD, he's a psychopath, gaslighting instead of candlelighting, wake up ladies he's a shapeshifter!".

You can't always tell the truth, especially when you are the odd one out. If I told everyone the truth I'd be dead in a ditch or in jail before the end of the week. At least I have some semblance of honour so I don't go prowling clubs like a thirsty beast, which seems to be the norm for guys these days. Just plain normal is already very sick, so I guess everyone can be diagnosed with some form of PD? Or maybe the average person is just trash?

I’m not a psychologist, it’s true. But the guy’s behavior is not normal.

We all do lie occasionally, yes, but this guy lies to Kate as a means of harmful manipulation, to get his fill of closeness and/or sex, and then not only does he kick her to the curb, he TELLS her he lied (pretty much), he TELLS her he’s seen other women (right after he’s spent time with her), and he TELLS her he wants an open relationship after spending x number of days leading her on and enjoying her affection and attention (i.e. an open relationship as in he gets to do whatever he wants but still expects Kate to be available to him as well). He appears to ENJOY hurting her. We all lie, yes, but manipulating, lying, and purposefully hurting someone goes way beyond normal. Most men who lie to women in order to manipulate them at least have the decency not to say something like, “Ha ha, you idiot! I was only nice to you in order to trick you into having sex with me, and you fell for it!” Being a jerk and a liar: normal (unfortunately). Being a jerk and a liar who appears to get off on hurting others: not normal. Hence, my comment about antisocial personality.

 

[All-Rounder]

It's preferable to rely & depend on your own self and self-care rather than on others, external factors, excessive non-accurate/overestimated compliments/flattery/lovebombing or treats to build your confidence.

 

[ezcare]

One more thing I forgot to mention: during the trip, his anxiety flared up several times. He kept over-reacting about miniscule events and looking to me to comfort him.

This leads me to agree with Rollerskate. You may be dealing with a Borderliner or Covert Narcissist---not an authentic autistic person. Borderliners typically prey on people who are empathetic. They reel them in through actions and statements like you have experienced. Then when they have hooked your empathy they will begin to feed on your values and emotions without remorse. Should you resist in any way, you trigger their anxiety and they over-react big time. While it is common for Aspies to lack feelings of remorse or empathy, it is not common for them to play the emotional games this person seems to be playing with you. BTW--there is a strong link between childhood abuse or abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder

 

[KateDubs]

Age is kind of just a number. He can settle down if he wants to, but doesn't have to per se. He wanted you to travel because selfishly, he still likes you to a degree and still wanted some action. He just didn't want it monogamously with you or in a manner that was substantial enough for you. I think he respects you in a selfish way. Like, he cares about you, but he didn't express his change in interests well and kind of dragged you to travel all the way abroad for you to find that information out. Ironically, he is afraid of losing you. Well, too bad for him. If he wants to see you again, and since there's a connection, you should let him see but you ask him to travel abroad to see you (as you already did for him) and maybe don't even pay for his meals. Do care about him, but treat the connection like it isn't as deep as you'd want it to be. But again, don't do this until you think you've had enough space. This feels like the continuing path you're looking for. Find a way to keep the contact but then move on at the same time.

He probably does want you to selfishly wait. And maybe he'd be okay or "okay" and ironically jealous if you had other side partners as well. Yeah, definitely don't wait. He needs to feel the "consequences" of his decision but your response should be as gently as possible. I don't think what he did was intentional- it was acting upon animal instinct and an addiction to lust.

He doesn't want to commit at this time. You do, or at least in a way that's in an agreed upon matter beforehand or discussed before certain actions are taken. Since those actions were taken prior, you feel slightly and understandably betrayed. So, it's human nature to sin in this manner. We have to deal with the situations in front of us and make choices with those situations we encounter.

'This feels like the continuing path you're looking for.' Yes, I feel your post closely reflects what I'm feeling/what actions I think are the right ones to take next. And I agree he needs to feel the consequences - he didn't expect me to cut him off but he needed to see I am serious.

In any case, to the PP above, yes some of his behaviours do align with BPD. He DID only just remember the child abuse a year ago, which means he's had a very turbulent year. But I have to say, I don't think he is a sociopath or terrible person. I believe he is emotionally immature and inexperienced when it comes to dealing with relationships and has behaved particularly badly here. I am also fairly certain he does have Aspergers.

This guy is TERRIFIED of getting truly close to another person. At the start of the trip said he craved closer intimacy with me & was giving a more serious relationship some thought - but then he started talking about how real commitments scared him, just look at the amount of divorces (his parents haven't divorced, he said it was about another significant relationship in his life). He said he was afraid that if we got closely involved and it ended, he'd be heartbroken. So it's better to just have shallow relationships to guard your heart then is it?

Anyway - I have stopped waking up feeling sick. I'm not as tearful. Strangely my self esteem has sky rocketed - I think because I made a really good decision for myself and refused to accept bad behaviour. I need to figure my life out now, and if this guy makes the cut as a friend I still value later on, then we'll see.

I am still angry at the way he treated me. Imagine telling a woman you've been seeing for almost a year on and off that you've been on a date with someone and how that woman was 'interesting'? He was really foolish to think I'd want to maintain a connection with him after that - he has a history of making rash, impulsive decisions.

 

[KateDubs]

Also I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comforting replies and perspectives. Whether you realise it or not, your virtual support has meant a lot during a very tough week!

 

[paloftoon]

'This feels like the continuing path you're looking for.' Yes, I feel your post closely reflects what I'm feeling/what actions I think are the right ones to take next. And I agree he needs to feel the consequences - he didn't expect me to cut him off but he needed to see I am serious.

. . .

This guy is TERRIFIED of getting truly close to another person. At the start of the trip said he craved closer intimacy with me & was giving a more serious relationship some thought - but then he started talking about how real commitments scared him, just look at the amount of divorces (his parents haven't divorced, he said it was about another significant relationship in his life). He said he was afraid that if we got closely involved and it ended, he'd be heartbroken. So it's better to just have shallow relationships to guard your heart then is it?

Anyway - I have stopped waking up feeling sick. I'm not as tearful. Strangely my self esteem has sky rocketed - I think because I made a really good decision for myself and refused to accept bad behaviour. I need to figure my life out now, and if this guy makes the cut as a friend I still value later on, then we'll see.

I am still angry at the way he treated me. Imagine telling a woman you've been seeing for almost a year on and off that you've been on a date with someone and how that woman was 'interesting'? He was really foolish to think I'd want to maintain a connection with him after that - he has a history of making rash, impulsive decisions.

Well, I wouldn't say shallow, but I think it's better to have a "conditional" relationship in this case. Such as, I'll still keep in touch with you, but only at your convenience to start off with if and when you meet. And maybe only on a platonic level until you explore other options to see if you like them more or want to give this person another try after a lot of time has passed (wait at least one year if not more.) In the mean time, you spend your time focusing on work, working on or continuing to be independent, improving yourself, your relationships with your friends, finding new people to meet, and coordinating and balancing the rest of your life.

Since you feel what he did wasn't to intentionally hurt you, try not to be too angry. Don't start trying to be platonic with him until you can stop being angry at him. Just say you need space if he has a reason to contact you and you're still angry. Remember, we are all human. It is okay to forgive but not forget

 

[AidenMaccullagh]

The thing is that he had never brought up the idea of an open relationship when we were dating in the same city for 7 months. He was faithful to me only. It is only now that he is in a new city, with new possibilities, that he's asking for it. I was really surprised because he also said he is really happy with me but still won't commit. He also says he is afraid of intimacy while craving it. Urg.

I am curious to know if any of the other behaviours I listed could be due to Aspergers.

Katedubs. I have been in relationships like this and from my experience it never ends well. Very rarely will it go well like a 1% chance it goes well. I spilled my heart out to a girl who i thought loved me only to find out that she really wanted to just take it casual and then found out she had sex with another guy. As for the behavior, he may have very well been unsure of how to approach you in the first place and needed help therefore observing others. It's a common Asperger's behavior. I was in and out of relationships for a while because the girls i was with didn't understand me. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you two. Open relationships never go well. But don't give up. You will find the one