Burnout and breakup

[Lorelei528]

I suspect what he's alluding to is that many of us fail to get past online or telephone interactions/introductions rather than move onto the real thing.

Sad, but often true.

Oh yeah. This isn’t that. He was just here in April and when he went home and got paid on the 17th I think that got the ball rolling as far as finance worries and he was afraid to tell me then Sat May 5 I think it was was when he told me on a phone call. I had asked him when he had realized this and he says the past few weeks.
Last message was Sunday May12.

 

[Masked Man]

I suspect what he's alluding to is that many of us fail to get past online or telephone interactions/introductions rather than move onto the real thing.

Sad, but often true.

My one attempt in an online relationship leading to occasional phone calls ended after about four years. Much later determining that I was effectively "catfished". Never really knowing what motivated her. She got married and managed never to mention it. Worse still, after the online relationship ended, she and her husband moved to the state I lived in, and even into the same city and apartment complex I once lived in.

Made my feel icky....just another "nail in my coffin" that led to giving up on relationships altogether.

Yes, that was my initial thought as well. It's easy to catfish, even more so when you're ND.

 

[Judge]

Oh yeah. This isn’t that. He was just here in April and when he went home and got paid on the 17th I think that got the ball rolling as far as finance worries and he was afraid to tell me then Sat May 5 I think it was was when he told me on a phone call. I had asked him when he had realized this and he says the past few weeks.
Last message was Sunday May12.

Agreed, you two were obviously beyond all that. Though I suppose many of us still factor in online and phone interactions given they are easier for us to relate to socially.

Which to me in hindsight is NOT a good thing. Better to meet people in person and risk complete rejection than to be so easily led astray through the Internet or phone. As tough as it can be for us autistic males.

 

[Lorelei528]

Agreed, you two were obviously beyond all that. Though I suppose many of us still factor in online and phone interactions given they are easier for us to relate to socially.

Which to me in hindsight is NOT a good thing. Better to meet people in person and risk complete rejection than to be so easily led astray through the Internet or phone. As tough as it can be for us autistic males.

So your advice is to be patient? And to let him know I am here for him?
That’s what I was planning to put it n the last letter I write. Just not sure when to send it. I thought it would be better to wait a couple of months? Honestly I know the probability of it helping at all is pretty much nil.
How do I tell him so that he’ll believe me that I understand him better now and can support him and communicate with him better?
I want to make sure I communicate properly so he’s not overwhelmed and can hopefully possibly be open to the idea

 

[Judge]

So your advice is to be patient? And to let him know I am here for him?

If you truly want to rekindle the relationship, yes.

And to do absolutely no more than that which might backfire given his present and likely unpredictable status. Beyond that it's all up to him, if you are truly willing to deal with such a scenario, without any sense of time.

Ultimately it's up to him, and particularly whether he has the ability to recognize that he may have made a mistake. But the process has to be worked out in his own mind, without much of your input, IMO. All compounded when it involves someone who doesn't know or refuses to acknowledge they could be on the spectrum of autism.

That he's got to come out of it on his own initiative, no matter how badly you may want to speed it all up.

 

[Hypnalis]

How do I tell him so that he’ll believe me that I understand him better now and can support him and communicate with him better?

That's "why", not "how".

Why do you think he will appreciate an amateur diagnosis? Or that he won't ask about "understand him better now?". If you can't answer that, you should leave it out.

Some context:
I'm always on the Aspie's side in these things. But no worse than neutral on the NT side - I've been strictly honest with you.
I'm still on my base estimate for him being ASD (50% chance).

Back on point: there are some inconsistencies in your posts. If I put them together and said you have a "sub-clinical" syndrome of some kind, how would you feel?
Rhetorical question BTW - don't answer it.

Flip the script. If you do that and he doesn't like what you say, regardless of why, you both lose.

 

[Lorelei528]

If you truly want to rekindle the relationship, yes.

And to do absolutely no more than that which might backfire given his present and likely unpredictable status. Beyond that it's all up to him, if you are truly willing to deal with such a scenario, without any sense of time.

Ultimately it's up to him, and particularly whether he has the ability to recognize that he may have made a mistake. But the process has to be worked out in his own mind, without much of your input, IMO. All compounded when it involves someone who doesn't know or refuses to acknowledge they could be on the spectrum of autism.

That he's got to come out of it on his own initiative, no matter how badly you may want to speed it all up.

Got it.

That's "why", not "how".

Why do you think he will appreciate an amateur diagnosis? Or that he won't ask about "understand him better now?". If you can't answer that, you should leave it out.

Some context:
I'm always on the Aspie's side in these things. But no worse than neutral on the NT side - I've been strictly honest with you.
I'm still on my base estimate for him being ASD (50% chance).

Back on point: there are some inconsistencies in your posts. If I put them together and said you have a "sub-clinical" syndrome of some kind, how would you feel?
Rhetorical question BTW - don't answer it.

Flip the script. If you do that and he doesn't like what you say, regardless of why, you both lose.

Ummm. I’m not going to even reference being on the spectrum.
Again. Thanks for your help

 

[Jonn]

Intensely honest, IMO in an autistic male's thought process. That he simply doesn't understand how to behave in a relationship. Something that might sound absurd from the perspective of NTs, but can be very real for autistic men, especially if and when they have little to no experience in intense, romantic relationships.

That describes me to a 'T'.
I think it is a common occurrence, particularly for clueless autistic males.

She was just a casualty in my inability to handle my own stress at the time, along with the insecurity of not handling relationships well.

This autism thing.....it's a hard life to lead...

I could have written this post myself.