Burnout and breakup

[The Pandector]

I don’t fit your profile, but maybe this is helpful. Not a player, I only had two breakups. With each, I knew I had to go, and left. One pleaded for a while, but my mind was made up. Never looked back.

But I have to admit, I tend to drop people without qualm, which I believe is autism related.

 

[Lorelei528]

One thing for sure. It doesn't have to be social dynamics alone that can "set us off" at the expense of our most precious relationships.

That so many other things can so overwhelm us at times for us to make terribly rash decisions, including those involving relationships. Even when in any number of cases it may not involve those same people. Where a shutdown or more likely even an autistic meltdown can potentially have disastrous results.

I know in my own case over time I have learned not to make any critical decisions about much of anything when I would be under such stress. But then it took a long time to get there. Another reason reflecting why it's so important for us to recognize our own autism.

This started with financial crisis and him realizing he couldn’t afford to come see me again this year. Even though I told him I don’t even have vacation time till the end of the year anyway (new job long story) and I could come there.
But I could tell he wanted to be in the financial position to come the way he has been. He also has an upcoming 10% salary cut and is just worried about paying bills etc.

 

[Judge]

This started with financial crisis and him realizing he couldn’t afford to come see me again this year. Even though I told him I don’t even have vacation time till the end of the year anyway (new job long story) and I could come there.
But I could tell he wanted to be in the financial position to come the way he has been. He also has an upcoming 10% salary cut and is just worried about paying bills etc.

Yes, that's what made your post so easy to relate to. In a certain year I had a number of personal tragedies that most assuredly led to my making bad decisions on so many levels.

Some I rectified, others I simply had to struggle through. Though this was many years before I became aware that I could be autistic.

Tragic though, as I suspect that his decision may have not been personal towards you. That it was simply his way of "compartmentalizing" his life sufficiently to be able to deal with it all at the time. That sometimes may involve shutting people out of our lives, either momentarily or even permanently. All in a futile attempt to simplify our existence to handle "other matters".

But yes, it's only my opinion based on my perception. And yet even in retirement I do presently live in a state of relative isolation. Something I've done for the last 17 years. While I prioritize solitude slightly more than dealing with loneliness. -For better and worse.

 

[Lorelei528]

Yes, that's what made your post so easy to relate to. In a certain year I had a number of personal tragedies that most assuredly led to my making bad decisions on so many levels.

Some I rectified, others I simply had to struggle through. Though this was many years before I became aware that I could be autistic.

Tragic though, as I suspect that his decision may have not been personal towards you. That it was simply his way of "compartmentalizing" his life sufficiently to be able to deal with it all at the time. That sometimes may involve shutting people out of our lives, either momentarily or even permanently. All in a futile attempt to simplify our existence to handle "other matters".

But yes, it's only my opinion based on my perception. And yet even in retirement I do presently live in a state of relative isolation. Something I've done for the last 17 years. While I prioritize solitude slightly more than dealing with loneliness. -For better and worse.

It is tragic and it’s coming off as permanent to me even though his original message said he’d be in touch and was just taking a step back.
Once he changed his relationship status though I knew I couldn’t believe what he said in that message.

 

[Jonn]

I know in my own case over time I have learned not to make any critical decisions about much of anything when I would be under such stress. But then it took a long time to get there.

Same.
Hence the need for space and time.

 

[Jonn]

Tragic though, as I suspect that his decision may have not been personal towards you. That it was simply his way of "compartmentalizing" his life sufficiently to be able to deal with it all at the time.

Based on what I recall having been said, this seems to have been the case.

 

[Hypnalis]

It is tragic and it’s coming off as permanent to me even though his original message said he’d be in touch and was just taking a step back.
Once he changed his relationship status though I knew I couldn’t believe what he said in that message.

If you choose not to trust him, you have decided it's over.

"Trust, Loyalty, Respect, Clear and accurate communication".
Without trust, it's not a "Relationship".

Aspies are a lot less inclined to deliberately lie about this kind of thing. And there's a big M/F difference too.
(The ND/NT difference might be due to how most of us adjust to communication with NTs.
Lying adds to the complexity of something that, for most of us, requires a lot of mental capability).

If you ask how to test this, someone might have suggestions.

 

[Lorelei528]

If you choose not to trust him, you have decided it's over.

"Trust, Loyalty, Respect, Clear and accurate communication".
Without trust, it's not a "Relationship".

Aspies are a lot less inclined to deliberately lie about this kind of thing. And there's a big M/F difference too.
(The ND/NT difference might be due to how most of us adjust to communication with NTs.
Lying adds to the complexity of something that, for most of us, requires a lot of mental capability).

If you ask how to test this, someone might have suggestions.

My ex husband was a liar and a cheater as well as a gaslighter.
This is not at all the same.
Believe me you don’t have to lecture me on trust but thanks.

 

[Lorelei528]

Hi. Follow up question if you’ll indulge me…Just thinking because i know thought patterns are different.
Taking from his last text to me saying twice he’d be in touch with me and that it wasn’t that he didn’t want the relationship just that he didn’t know how to be in it right now and he loved me to going to saying he just wanted to be on his own…
How might that have happened? Would it be he changed his mind and just would be overwhelmed discussing so he just made that statement?
I’m wondering if I hadn’t sent that last short email if he would’ve even told me?

 

[Judge]

Hi. Follow up question if you’ll indulge me…Just thinking because i know thought patterns are different.
Taking from his last text to me saying twice he’d be in touch with me and that it wasn’t that he didn’t want the relationship just that he didn’t know how to be in it right now and he loved me to going to saying he just wanted to be on his own…
How might that have happened? Would it be he changed his mind and just would be overwhelmed discussing so he just made that statement?
I’m wondering if I hadn’t sent that last short email if he would’ve even told me?

Something very illuminating in what you posted. One short line: "that he didn’t want the relationship just that he didn’t know how to be in it right now and he loved me"

Intensely honest, IMO in an autistic male's thought process. That he simply doesn't understand how to behave in a relationship. Something that might sound absurd from the perspective of NTs, but can be very real for autistic men, especially if and when they have little to no experience in intense, romantic relationships. To a point perhaps where the stress of it might outweigh the pleasure of it.

And then to consider that his financial woes compounded and overwhelmed his ability to navigate the relationship. Yeah. It all makes perfectly good sense. Then further compounded by a reticence to discuss what's truly bothering us. When an abrupt decision is made about the relationship, when more likely it's all about his finances.

It all just reminds me of how I broke up a very nice relationship with a woman where the reasons really had nothing to do with her personally. She was just a casualty in my inability to handle my own stress at the time, along with the insecurity of not handling relationships well.

This autism thing.....it's a hard life to lead...

 

[Lorelei528]

Something very illuminating in what you posted. One short line: "that he didn’t want the relationship just that he didn’t know how to be in it right now and he loved me"

Intensely honest, IMO in an autistic male's thought process. That he simply doesn't understand how to behave in a relationship. Something that might sound absurd from the perspective of NTs, but can be very real for autistic men, especially if and when they have little to no experience in intense, romantic relationships. To a point perhaps where the stress of it might outweigh the pleasure of it.

And then to consider that his financial woes compounded and overwhelmed his ability to navigate the relationship. Yeah. It all makes perfectly good sense. Then further compounded by a reticence to discuss what's truly bothering us. When an abrupt decision is made about the relationship, when more likely it's all about his finances.

This all makes complete sense to me. I’m really having issues giving up all hope. Every day I try. Heck every hour it’s a struggle. I understand the thinking now having done so much research but yet I still don’t understand idk. Hard to explain. I think the future plans also overwhelmed him all of a sudden (the logistics of me moving there after he retires in a few years)
I’m trying so hard to let go. But I think I want to hold on to a smidge of hope even though I know that will hurt me in the end because I just think he’s gone and he’ll never contact me again despite what he said to me in that last text.
It’s hard for me a NT (that’s right, right?) to accept that more than 5 years just went away in a poof like it never happened.

 

[Judge]

This all makes complete sense to me. I’m really having issues giving up all hope. Every day I try. Heck every hour it’s a struggle. I understand the thinking now having done so much research but yet I still don’t understand idk. Hard to explain. I think the future plans also overwhelmed him all of a sudden (the logistics of me moving there after he retires in a few years)
I’m trying so hard to let go. But I think I want to hold on to a smidge of hope even though I know that will hurt me in the end because I just think he’s gone and he’ll never contact me again despite what he said to me in that last text.

The most damaging concern I see in your scenario is that he is not in touch with his own autism, assuming he is in fact autistic. That I suspect most if not all of us who spent many years of our life not knowing who- and what we are neurologically has been very toxic for us socially speaking.

That with grasping an understanding of who and what he is, as well as you being able to understand it at least in part would make so much difference for the better. Though it also sounds like he is probably focused first and foremost on repairing his finances before even venturing into repairing his love-life.

Sadly I can very much relate to that as well. He may not think of himself as a "proper provider" under such circumstances too. Self-conscious to a point to where he cannot navigate the relationship until this is rectified in his mind. And to accomplish such difficult goals includes a continuation of compartmentalizing our social lives to a point where we may appear damn near anti-social. Also reflecting that some of us aren't so efficient in "multitasking". So something in our lives has to give. Tragic when we de-prioritize our social and love lives. But it's what we do...at great cost sometimes.

When it may take decades if at all to realize in hindsight all the mistakes we made when they mattered.

 

[Lorelei528]

The most damaging concern I see in your scenario is that he is not in touch with his own autism, assuming he is in fact autistic. That I suspect most if not all of us who spent many years of our life not knowing who- and what we are neurologically has been very toxic for us socially speaking.

That with grasping an understanding of who and what he is, as well as you being able to understand it at least in part would make so much difference for the better. Though it also sounds like he is probably focused first and foremost on repairing his finances before even venturing into repairing his love-life. Sadly I can very much relate to that as well. He may not think of himself as a "proper provider" under such circumstances too. Self-conscious to a point to where he cannot navigate the relationship until this is rectified in his mind.

Should I even hold on to a smidge of hope or just move on and if I hear from him I do and if I don’t I don’t? I’m honestly willing to wait even years if I have to. I just don’t think he’ll ever realize he made that decision in haste.
All I can do is try one more time after a bit of time has passed and write a letter that is not overwhelming etc.
I will say I don’t think he felt supported by me. I didn’t realize the extent of the seriousness of how he was feeling…Until after I got that last text.
I appreciate your kind responses throughout my post.

 

[Judge]

Should I even hold on to a smidge of hope or just move on and if I hear from him I do and if I don’t I don’t?

IMO the most important attribute an NT partner to an ND person can have is patience.

Yet with a firm understanding that there are no guarantees as to whether or not he gets into a mindset and is comfortable enough to seek rekindling the relationship that he abandoned.

And yes- it's asking a lot of you. Most people I reckon are not up to it. But I've been privileged to meet one or two NTs who do seem to have the heart, soul and raw determination to try.

 

[Lorelei528]

IMO the most important attribute an NT partner to an ND person can have is patience.

Yet with a firm understanding that there are no guarantees as to whether or not he gets into a mindset and is comfortable enough to seek rekindling the relationship that he abandoned.

And yes- it's asking a lot of you. Most people I reckon are not up to it. But I've been privileged to meet one or two NTs who do seem to have the heart, soul and raw determination to try.

That’s me. I’m that NT

 

[Masked Man]

I am sorry if I missed this part of this thread and have to ask - if you live apart, how did you meet? How many times did you get together in person?

I guess I'm trying to understand the dynamics of this relationship. The comment about moving to be near him threw me off.

 

[Lorelei528]

I am sorry if I missed this part of this thread and have to ask - if you live apart, how did you meet? How many times did you get together in person?

I guess I'm trying to understand the dynamics of this relationship. The comment about moving to be near him threw me off.

We met through a mutual friend.

 

[Masked Man]

We met through a mutual friend.

So you met in person and this relationship has been, at least in part, in person?

 

[Lorelei528]

So you met in person and this relationship has been, at least in part, in person?

Yes. Why? We hang out with each others families. Not sure what you’re alluding to.

 

[Judge]

Yes. Why? We hang out with each others families. Not sure what you’re alluding to.

I suspect what he's alluding to is that many of us fail to get past online or telephone interactions/introductions rather than move onto the real thing.

Sad, but often true.

My one attempt in an online relationship leading to occasional phone calls ended after about four years. Much later determining that I was effectively "catfished". Never really knowing what motivated her. She got married and managed never to mention it. Worse still, after the online relationship ended, she and her husband moved to the state I lived in, and even into the same city and apartment complex I once lived in.

Made my feel icky....just another "nail in my coffin" that led to giving up on relationships altogether.