Burnout and breakup

[Lorelei528]

No, what @Judge is trying to say is, they have read this exact post over and over at this forum. I have to agree, l have read your identical post thru the years of being at this forum. And many writing in, don't want to see the advice, because somehow they feel their story is different, their connection is different, but in the end, you don't call shots. None of us want to see you living the rest of your life for something that isn't real. These aren't spiteful members here, they are very supportive and caring members.

Wow. I mean like holy moly. You’re saying our 5+ years relationship was not real? You have balls that’s for sure.

 

[Lorelei528]

In keeping with your original question:

I had a fiancee once who turned out to be ‘not compatible’ with me. (Details are not important). I moved on and never looked back.

Only about a week after we split, her older sister died (in her 30’s) during a routine surgery.

I never even called her to offer my condolences. We never communicated after that first goodbye, and I never shed a tear.

Black and white.

Did you move on without telling her?

 

[Lorelei528]

No, what @Judge is trying to say is, they have read this exact post over and over at this forum. I have to agree, l have read your identical post thru the years of being at this forum. And many writing in, don't want to see the advice, because somehow they feel their story is different, their connection is different, but in the end, you don't call shots. None of us want to see you living the rest of your life for something that isn't real. These aren't spiteful members here, they are very supportive and caring members.

I’m not even interested in advice. If I wanted advice I would’ve asked for it.

 

[Rodafina]

I DIDNT ASK FOR ADVICE. I ASKED FOR EXPERIENCE. I have all the advice I need from family and friends who actually know me.
I was looking at this in regards the statistics of people in the forum. I’ve read all sorts of things online most saying they don’t return but those weren’t from actual people, just blogs and articles

@Lorelei528,
We are a help and support forum and we try to help each other in the best way we each can working with a limited amount of information when it comes to someone who has just joined the forum.

I would offer the perspective that coming here and using the internet version of yelling at someone who is attempting to help in their own way is informative in how you treat people when you are seemingly frustrated and not getting what you want.

There is a chance that your communication style is off-putting and stressful to the man you are discussing here. You've said clearly that you don't want advice, and so it seems you are just here trying to get people to tell the future simply because we are autistic and you have dubiously diagnosed this man with autism.

My prediction for your fella coming back? I think that how you treat people will have quite an impact on whether or not they need space from you or choose to come back.

 

[Lorelei528]

@Lorelei528,
We are a help and support forum and we try to help each other in the best way we each can working with a limited amount of information when it comes to someone who has just joined the forum.

I would offer the perspective that coming here and using the internet version of yelling at someone who is attempting to help in their own way is informative in how you treat people when you are seemingly frustrated and not getting what you want.

There is a chance that your communication style is off-putting and stressful to the man you are discussing here. You've said clearly that you don't want advice, and so it seems you are just here trying to get people here to tell the future simply because we are autistic and you have dubiously diagnosed this man with autism.

My prediction for your fella coming back? I think that how you treat people will have quite an impact on whether or not they need space from you or choose to come back.

No. There’s no magic 8 ball.
As I’ve commented I’m not expecting him to come back or even be in touch. I have no other choice than to move on and will do so when I feel ready.

 

[Jonn]

Thank you so much for your reply. I know not every experience is the same but I’ve heard such negative things. In any case just trying to go day by day and trying to let go as I can’t wait if he never does. I think you know what I mean.

I know someone on the spectrum who tried to re-establish broken significant-other relationships and it always failed.
But I am not sure your particular situation is the same.

Have you contributed to the emotional problems of your BF?
If not, reason suggests there may be hope.

It doesn't sound like it though, based on what I can remember you writing.
It sounds as if financial difficulties were the villains.

 

[Jonn]

I understood your original question to be more asking for anecdotes that may relate to your situation.

It always becomes a bunch of us telling you what to do though….

And then there are others who want to provide insight.

 

[Jonn]

I don’t know I believed him at first about just needing a break but saying you just want to be on your own (with no now added) really in my eyes contradicts his original message

There could be implied meaning not expressed.
I.E. The qualifier "for now" may have been there but not "voiced".
Can anyone really know?
I doubt it.

 

[Jonn]

Also….. he’s not just on the spectrum…. Us guys tend to be a lot more stupid when it comes to relationships.

Speak for yourself.
Agreed.

 

[Jonn]

I mean he blocked me on everything like instantly so he cut off all communication except snail mail.

At least you have that.

 

[Jonn]

No. There’s no magic 8 ball.
As I’ve commented I’m not expecting him to come back or even be in touch. I have no other choice than to move on and will do so when I feel ready.

Then the situation has been resolved in your mind.
It sounds reasonable.

 

[Neri]

My guy friend and I had a touch and go beginning. I was the one to initiate it. By initiate I mean I told him I had "more than platonic feelings towards him". I was in a desperately terrible long term relationship at the time, complete with multiple children. I was very ill and in chronic pain caused by the stress and desperate unhappiness of the relationship I was stuck in.

We did step over the line, physically, when I told him how I felt about him, I was very attracted to him and that proved irresistible at first. We liked talking to each other so friendship was effortless, however, he had just got custody of his two son's and he quickly got overwhelmed and told me he didn't want a relationship, but he stated that he'd told me he was my friend and he chose to commit to the friendship. By this stage I had exited my long term relationship, that happened straight after the "physicality", I am an honest autist.

I moved to the next town over and due to our son's being best friends, we did maintain contact.

At all times I respected his boundaries, and there were plenty of times I just had to be content with friendship, as we are both autistic and genuine friends have always been few and far between, as such, we both put a very high value on friendship.

After a few years of living separately and dating a bit, as well as both seeing other people (yes, our relationship survived him briefly getting back with his abusive ex and me "playing the field") we decided to put the friendship to the test and move in together.

We have separate bedrooms and I think our living situation works because of being able to give each other the space us autistic people need (in general, but also remember "If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person").

My guy friend pushed me away at the time I wanted to start a relationship, saying "You don't want me, I'm damaged goods". A lot of us autists have low self esteem and shame issues which make us think we are not "a good catch". Often, we have been subject to a lot of bullying, exploitation and not living up to what seems to constitute "success" so we can push people away because our image of ourselves doesn't allow us to feel desirable. The cognitive dissonance of this means accepting that someone wants to be with us, just as we are, doesn't really compute very easily.

I had to be consistent and also respect his need for space and less complications. I had to let go so many times. But because my feelings were true, over time, I did convince him that I was for real and I stepped in to help him, as a friend,

I did persist, though, when, at first, he pushed me away. Luckily our son's being friends gave me an in. He had been very, very, hurt, in extremely abusive ways, in previous relationships and he was quite petrified, for good reason. He is a courageous man though, or we never would've had a chance. I'm also a go-getter woman, who has enough wisdom to know when to step back and allow things and when to "speak my truth" and persist when my heart knows what it wants.

He told me "Go and live your life" early on, so I did, but, I also let him know that it was him I wanted to be with. I "played the field" to distract me, at that stage, because I was so heartbroken, but, my heart wasn't into it. It was kind of stupid, that I did that, it didn't really benefit me, it actually made me realize that casual dalliances are not at all fulfilling for me, but, I guess, they might've helped me feel a little more desirable (refer to above, when I said autists having self esteem issues).

Like you, at this stage (I am 51) I would probably just be content to remain unattached and avoid dating, if we went our separate ways.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Wow. I mean like holy moly. You’re saying our 5+ years relationship was not real? You have balls that’s for sure.

I recently found out a 17 year relationship was not real.

 

[Jonn]

we need occasional solitude like air to breathe.

Agreed.
Most of us do, I think.
If we don't get it, the need builds up until we burn out.

 

[Lorelei528]

My guy friend and I had a touch and go beginning. I was the one to initiate it. By initiate I mean I told him I had "more than platonic feelings towards him". I was in a desperately terrible long term relationship at the time, complete with multiple children. I was very ill and in chronic pain caused by the stress and desperate unhappiness of the relationship I was stuck in.

We did step over the line, physically, when I told him how I felt about him, I was very attracted to him and that proved irresistible at first. We liked talking to each other so friendship was effortless, however, he had just got custody of his two son's and he quickly got overwhelmed and told me he didn't want a relationship, but he stated that he'd told me he was my friend and he chose to commit to the friendship. By this stage I had exited my long term relationship, that happened straight after the "physicality", I am an honest autist.

I moved to the next town over and due to our son's being best friends, we did maintain contact.

At all times I respected his boundaries, and there were plenty of times I just had to be content with friendship, as we are both autistic and genuine friends have always been few and far between, as such, we both put a very high value on friendship.

After a few years of living separately and dating a bit, as well as both seeing other people (yes, our relationship survived him briefly getting back with his abusive ex and me "playing the field") we decided to put the friendship to the test and move in together.

We have separate bedrooms and I think our living situation works because of being able to give each other the space us autistic people need (in general, but also remember "If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person").

My guy friend pushed me away at the time I wanted to start a relationship, saying "You don't want me, I'm damaged goods". A lot of us autists have low self esteem and shame issues which make us think we are not "a good catch". Often, we have been subject to a lot of bullying, exploitation and not living up to what seems to constitute "success" so we can push people away because our image of ourselves doesn't allow us to feel desirable. The cognitive dissonance if this means accepting that someone wants to be with us, just as we are, doesn't really compute very easily.

I had to be consistent and also respect his need for space and less complications. I had to let go so many times. But because my feelings were true, over time, I did convince him that I was for real and I stepped in to help him, as a friend,

I did persist, though, when, at first, he pushed me away. Luckily our son's being friends gave me an in. He had been very, very, hurt, in extremely abusive ways, in previous relationships and he was quite petrified, for good reason. He is a courageous man though, or we never would've had a chance. I'm also a go-getter woman, who has enough wisdom to know when to step back and allow things and when to "speak my truth" and persist when my heart knows what it wants.

He told me "Go and live your life" early on, so I did, but, I also let him know that it was him I wanted to be with. I "played the field" to distract me, at that stage, because I was so heartbroken, but, my heart wasn't into it. It was kind of stupid, that I did that, it didn't really benefit me, it actually made me realize that casual dalliances are not at all fulfilling for me, but, I guess, they might've helped me feel a little more desirable (refer to above, when I said autists having self esteem issues).

Like you, at this stage (I am 51) I would probably just be content to remain unattached and avoid dating, if we went our separate ways.

The whole paragraph you wrote about self esteem is him and His ex wife was abusive and was a con artist.
I would love to be able to show him I am here for him and will support him but the only way I can do that is through snail mail.
I’m giving him his space for now. I will send one last letter some time in the future (2 or three months from now maybe, keeping it short and direct as no to overwhelm)
But I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again.

 

[Jonn]

I will send one last letter some time in the future (2 or three months from now maybe, keeping it short and direct as no to overwhelm)

"Sounds like a plan."
A good one, imo.

 

[Lorelei528]

I recently found out a 17 year relationship was not real.

Sorry to hear that but you can’t judge other’s’ relationship through your personal filter.
My ex husband cheated on me. I don’t say all men are cheaters.

 

[MNAus]

Something else to think about that may or may not apply in your situation, and got hinted about earlier. People with ASD can be prone to anxiety, and one of the ways that manifests is an attempt to have certainty. The black/white thinking and catastrophic thinking is part of that manifestation. For many of us the uncertainty of the future turning out badly is a highly unpleasant sensation.

There's a bunch of stuff on the internet where people claim to be Highly Sensitive Persons because they find fluffy kittens cute or cry watching Bambi, but for many autistic people the reality of HSP is that negative emotions arrive like a freight train into our head (again, not all ASD, but quite a few). So we try to work out ways to avoid that by categorising, planning, etc. That can also lead to us doing things like taking quite extreme actions if we perceive possible negative outcomes. Better the devil you know, almost.

This may or may not be something your boyfriend has.

 

[Rodafina]

Sorry to hear that but you can’t judge other’s’ relationship through your personal filter.
My ex husband cheated on me. I don’t say all men are cheaters.

Someone shared a very painful experience they had and you have a retort full of reprimand. There was no judgment in the comment you are responding to.

Do you often treat people that you've just met in the manner that you are treating some people in this thread?

Sometimes, we can find the answers to our problems by looking within and seeing where our own behavior has caused our troubles.

 

[Lorelei528]

Something else to think about that may or may not apply in your situation, and got hinted about earlier. People with ASD can be prone to anxiety, and one of the ways that manifests is an attempt to have certainty. The black/white thinking and catastrophic thinking is part of that manifestation. For many of us the uncertainty of the future turning out badly is a highly unpleasant sensation.

There's a bunch of stuff on the internet where people claim to be Highly Sensitive Persons because they find fluffy kittens cute or cry watching Bambi, but for many autistic people the reality of HSP is that negative emotions arrive like a freight train into our head (again, not all ASD, but quite a few). So we try to work out ways to avoid that by categorising, planning, etc. That can also lead to us doing things like taking quite extreme actions if we perceive possible negative outcomes. Better the devil you know, almost.

This may or may not be something your boyfriend has.

Yeah I lot of this is how hecis

Something else to think about that may or may not apply in your situation, and got hinted about earlier. People with ASD can be prone to anxiety, and one of the ways that manifests is an attempt to have certainty. The black/white thinking and catastrophic thinking is part of that manifestation. For many of us the uncertainty of the future turning out badly is a highly unpleasant sensation.

There's a bunch of stuff on the internet where people claim to be Highly Sensitive Persons because they find fluffy kittens cute or cry watching Bambi, but for many autistic people the reality of HSP is that negative emotions arrive like a freight train into our head (again, not all ASD, but quite a few). So we try to work out ways to avoid that by categorising, planning, etc. That can also lead to us doing things like taking quite extreme actions if we perceive possible negative outcomes. Better the devil you know, almost.

This may or may not be something your boyfriend has.

A lot of this sounds like him. Except he’s not a huge planner. That’s me. lol but the rest of what you wrote and the whole taking extreme actions if there are perceived possible negative outcomes. That’s basically what he just did with me/us