Burnout and breakup

[Judge]

I don’t have a problem with this but I feel he has already written me off. I mean h changed his fb relationship status and told me he “…just wants to be on his own” in an email response asking if this was over.
I don’t think he meant what he said about being in touch or just taking a break.

Perhaps the most objective thing to comment on is likely that he isn't sure how he really feels, but only that he is reacting quite decisively.

But this means that it's up to him whether or not he changes his mind, with absolutely no timeline to consider whether or not waiting for him to "come around" is a waste of time. Leaving with you a simple question being willing to wait whatever amount of time it takes for a possibility of him returning to you.

And perhaps most of all, whether or not deep in your heart, you may never forgive him for breaking up. If you retain such feelings, rekindling the relatioship will likely fail in time.

 

[Judge]

I mean he blocked me on everything like instantly so he cut off all communication except snail mail.

That's pretty decisive on his part. Logically speaking it doesn't bode well for you at all. Where perhaps the best move is to do nothing for now. That the ball is in his corner. Though he may never "play" again. Impossible to predict such an outcome.

Sorry to say I've responded to many such posts of the same circumstances over the years.

 

[Lorelei528]

Perhaps the most objective thing to comment on is likely that he isn't sure how he really feels, but only that he is reacting quite decisively.

But this means that it's up to him whether or not he changes his mind, with absolutely no timeline to consider whether or not waiting for him to "come around" is a waste of time. Leaving with you a simple question being willing to wait whatever amount of time it takes for a possibility of him returning to you.

And perhaps most of all, whether or not deep in your heart, you may never forgive him for breaking up. If you retain such feelings, rekindling the relatioship will likely fail in time.

Ok. I disagree with all of that. It’s not about how he feels about me. I didn’t say I was waiting around. Maybe read more of my responses

 

[Lorelei528]

That's pretty decisive on his part. Logically speaking it doesn't bode well for you at all. Where perhaps the best move is to do nothing for now. That the ball is in his corner. Though he may never "play" again. Impossible to predict such an outcome.

Sorry to say I've responded to many such posts of the same circumstances over the years.

Yeah that’s why I’ve commented multiple times I don’t think he’s coming back. Again I didn’t post asking what I should do.
I asked about other people’s experiences
I’m not sure why people are not understanding.

 

[Hypnalis]

Also the email I had sent which he sent that reply to was short and basically just asked if it was over because that was the feeling I was getting especially since the status change on fb.
That’s the “…I just want them be on my own…”
That’s why I don’t really think I’ll hear from him again.

This message isn't going to help open a discussion about your mutual situation.

Asking someone (a guy anyway) if "it's over because you got that impression" when you want to continue is "playing to lose".

You're priming him for an exit, when saying you want to stay together and offering a negotiation is the natural move.

Did you ever do that?

Back to your earlier posts, some straight ASD talk:
* We lean towards being avoidant. On aggregate, it's easier for us to detach/avoid/ghost than it is for NT's.
* Unlike NT's, if we can get over the threshold, it's (again, on aggregate) somewhat easier for us to start up where we left off. The "burden of the past" can be lighter.

It sounds like you've pushed him away (perhaps accidently, but it seems to have already happened).

It's not too late to attempt to reconnect. But of course I can't know if it will work.

To have a chance, you need to be clear, honest, direct, unambiguous. If you try to reverse (persuade him to come to you), or play dominance games, he'll stop reading/listening.

BTW I know this isn't the way NT's normally do this, and you might find it uncomfortable. But this "disconnect" is the norm for us We have to mute, filter, or translate almost every part of every non-trivial conversation.

If this matters to you, you'll make the effort.

PS: If I'd read your latest reply to Judge I wouldn't have written this, but it's done, so here goes ...

 

[Lorelei528]

Perhaps the most objective thing to comment on is likely that he isn't sure how he really feels, but only that he is reacting quite decisively.

But this means that it's up to him whether or not he changes his mind, with absolutely no timeline to consider whether or not waiting for him to "come around" is a waste of time. Leaving with you a simple question being willing to wait whatever amount of time it takes for a possibility of him returning to you.

And perhaps most of all, whether or not deep in your heart, you may never forgive him for breaking up. If you retain such feelings, rekindling the relatioship will likely fail in time.

I have already forgiven him.

 

[Judge]

Yeah that’s why I’ve commented multiple times I don’t think he’s coming back. Again I didn’t post asking what I should do.
I asked about other people’s experiences
I’m not sure why people are not understanding.

1. Not many necessarily have experience in relationships.
2. They aren't the best things we wish to recall for those of us who have had them.
3. People are often desperate to understand on a level that isn't likely possible.

That's why I say dig into older threads and posts with similar stories. Probably more helpful at this point in time.

 

[Lorelei528]

This message isn't going to help open a discussion about your mutual situation.

Asking someone (a guy anyway) if "it's over because you got that impression" when you want to continue is "playing to lose".

You're priming him for an exit, when saying you want to stay together and offering a negotiation is the natural move.

Did you ever do that?

Back to your earlier posts, some straight ASD talk:
* We lean towards being avoidant. On aggregate, it's easier for us to detach/avoid/ghost than it is for NT's.
* Unlike NT's, if we can get over the threshold, it's (again, on aggregate) somewhat easier for us to start up where we left off. The "burden of the past" can be lighter.

It sounds like you've pushed him away (perhaps accidently, but it seems to have already happened).

It's not too late to attempt to reconnect. But of course I can't know if it will work.

To have a chance, you need to be clear, honest, direct, unambiguous. If you try to reverse (persuade him to come to you), or play dominance games, he'll stop reading/listening.

BTW I know this isn't the way NT's normally do this, and you might find it uncomfortable. But this "disconnect" is the norm for us We have to mute, filter, or translate almost every part of every non-trivial conversation.

If this matters to you, you'll make the effort.

PS: If I'd read your latest reply to Judge I wouldn't have written this, but it's done, so here goes ...

Yeah again without knowing me or what else I said in the letter I can’t really take this response seriously.
And the comment about pushing him away is laughable. Really don’t assume you know everything that’s happened in a relationship.
I’m not manipulative or a game player and it’s insulting to call someone you don’t know that.

This message isn't going to help open a discussion about your mutual situation.

Asking someone (a guy anyway) if "it's over because you got that impression" when you want to continue is "playing to lose".

You're priming him for an exit, when saying you want to stay together and offering a negotiation is the natural move.

Did you ever do that?

Back to your earlier posts, some straight ASD talk:
* We lean towards being avoidant. On aggregate, it's easier for us to detach/avoid/ghost than it is for NT's.
* Unlike NT's, if we can get over the threshold, it's (again, on aggregate) somewhat easier for us to start up where we left off. The "burden of the past" can be lighter.

It sounds like you've pushed him away (perhaps accidently, but it seems to have already happened).

It's not too late to attempt to reconnect. But of course I can't know if it will work.

To have a chance, you need to be clear, honest, direct, unambiguous. If you try to reverse (persuade him to come to you), or play dominance games, he'll stop reading/listening.

BTW I know this isn't the way NT's normally do this, and you might find it uncomfortable. But this "disconnect" is the norm for us We have to mute, filter, or translate almost every part of every non-trivial conversation.

If this matters to you, you'll make the effort.

PS: If I'd read your latest reply to Judge I wouldn't have written this, but it's done, so here goes ...

I’m not even going to respond to this upsurd comment. I did start one and somehow it go lost. But really? You know nothing about what else I wrote in the letter or our relationship and I didn’t push him away.

 

[Lorelei528]

1. Not many necessarily have experience in relationships.
2. They aren't the best things we wish to recall for those of us who have had them.
3. People are often desperate to understand on a level that isn't likely possible.

That's why I say dig into older threads and posts with similar stories. Probably more helpful at this point in time.

1. I tried and didn’t really find anything.
2. Every person is different so my story is different.

 

[Aspychata]

No, what @Judge is trying to say is, they have read this exact post over and over at this forum. I have to agree, l have read your identical post thru the years of being at this forum. And many writing in, don't want to see the advice, because somehow they feel their story is different, their connection is different, but in the end, you don't call shots. None of us want to see you living the rest of your life for something that isn't real. These aren't spiteful members here, they are very supportive and caring members.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Lorelei528

You're here to get a perspective on how a "typical" ASD would react to the things you describe.
We're all different, so that's not straightforward, but we're trying.

NT's don't understand how we think, how we communicate, or how we react to events.

This is challenging in both directions. Avoidance is always the easiest option for both parties.

 

[Lorelei528]

No, what @Judge is trying to say is, they have read this exact post over and over at this forum. I have to agree, l have read your identical post thru the years of being at this forum. And many writing in, don't want to see the advice, because somehow they feel their story is different, their connection is different, but in the end, you don't call shots. None of us want to see you living the rest of your life for something that isn't real. These aren't spiteful members here, they are very supportive and caring members.

I DIDNT ASK FOR ADVICE. I ASKED FOR EXPERIENCE. I have all the advice I need from family and friends who actually know me.
I was looking at this in regards the statistics of people in the forum. I’ve read all sorts of things online most saying they don’t return but those weren’t from actual people, just blogs and articles

 

[Judge]

Experience?

I fell in love with her. We worked together. I asked her to move in with me. We were living together 24/7. At the time I had no idea I was autistic. I didn't even understand my absolute need for occasional solitude. As for her, she was both bi and hypersexual. We had to adjust to each other on levels that perhaps most couples don't.

I didn't get that solitude and abruptly broke up with her at a time when I was under a great deal of unrelated stress from work.

A few months later I approached her and we reconciled. Or so I thought. Over a lot of time apparently the whole notion of me dumping her festered in her heart and never left her mind.

Eventually she dumped me. However she never looked back. Decades later she's on husband number three. Despite my years of sorrow, I realize that in the long run I may have "dodged a bullet". Though for me, the worst of it wasn't about her, but about my having a condition I didn't understand when I needed to.

Had two other relationships before after that, though both failed. One for three years, one for about six months. Though I didn't see my unknown autism at the time necessarily a factor in each of those breakups.

Burnout? No...I just needed routine and occasional solitude, and being nothing personal about the women I lived with and loved. But at all those times I didn't have a clue of who and what I am. I had to learn that quite by accident many years later.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry @Judge. I also have similar experience, l just didn't wish to divulge the emotional turmoil it created. But it seems my post caused an emotional disconnect with the OP so l am leaving this thread.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Did you ever sense that he had a nebulous need for routine solitude, that likely had nothing to do with you personally? Relationships between those who are NT and those who are ND are always going to have to deal with this. That we need occasional solitude like air to breathe.

Not actually knowing you are on the spectrum is to me a devastating liability. One that I lived with at my own expense until the age of 55. When for the first time was able to understand who and what I was, relative to how I interact with others. It didn't make up for so many bad memories of failed interactions and relationships, but it at least gave me an understanding of why.

Bolded words, so very true and well condensed into just a few words.

 

[Judge]

Sorry @Judge. I also have similar experience, l just didn't wish to divulge the emotional turmoil it created. But it seems my post caused an emotional disconnect with the OP so l am leaving this thread.

It still hurts, doesn't it? It always will for me.

Why I was so reticent to initially post even while having such an experience.

Despite the stereotypes, we aren't robots....we really do have feelings.

 

[Lorelei528]

Experience?

I fell in love with her. We worked together. I asked her to move in with me. We were living together 24/7. At the time I had no idea I was autistic. I didn't even understand my absolute need for occasional solitude. As for her, she was both bi and hypersexual. We had to adjust to each other on levels that perhaps most couples don't.

I didn't get that solitude and abruptly broke up with her at a time when I was under a great deal of unrelated stress from work.

A few months later I approached her and we reconciled. Or so I thought. Over a lot of time apparently the whole notion of me dumping her festered in her heart and never left her mind.

Eventually she dumped me. However she never looked back. Decades later she's on husband number three. Despite my years of sorrow, I realize that in the long run I may have "dodged a bullet". Though for me, the worst of it wasn't about her, but about my having a condition I didn't understand when I needed to.

Had two other relationships before after that, though both failed. One for three years, one for about six months. Though I didn't see my unknown autism at the time necessarily a factor in each of those breakups.

Thank you for this post. Did you end those two relationships?
I have own health situations and I wasn’t raised to cut and run if someone is medically suffering from something.
It’s old skool. My parents were born in the 20’s. I didn’t even believe in divorce until the guy I married ended up being a lying cheater.
I’m not leaving him. If he wants to be with me my door will stay open for him.

 

[Judge]

Thank you for this post. Did you end those two relationships?
I have own health situations and I wasn’t raised to cut and run if someone is medically suffering from something.
It’s old skool. My parents were born in the 20’s. I didn’t even believe in divorce until the guy I married ended up being a lying cheater.
I’m not leaving him. If he wants to be with me my door will stay open for him.

Yes, the one before I painfully ended because of one thing. My girlfriend's alcoholism. Where ultimately she made it clear that she preferred her bottle to me. All the while being a pseudo parent to her little daughter. Leaving my girlfriend didn't bother me nearly as much as leaving her daughter who had some special needs of her own.

The last relationship was a mutual parting, as both of us realized that given her "status" that a long-living relationship wasn't likely. She was an illegal alien, working out in the open as an Au Pair to a wealthy couple and their three children. She was from Austria. Tall, blonde hair and blue eyes, knowing the INS was not looking for her. But she lived an existence where her life was more her employers than her own. Plus, there was always some kind of mystery about her, things in her past that she never wanted to discuss. Made me wonder if she was hiding with no intention to legally return to Austria. She could become very secretive at times.

 

[AspieChris]

I mean he blocked me on everything like instantly so he cut off all communication except snail mail.

In keeping with your original question:

I had a fiancee once who turned out to be ‘not compatible’ with me. (Details are not important). I moved on and never looked back.

Only about a week after we split, her older sister died (in her 30’s) during a routine surgery.

I never even called her to offer my condolences. We never communicated after that first goodbye, and I never shed a tear.

Black and white.

 

[AspieChris]

divorce until the guy I married ended up being a lying cheater

Sort of backs up my theory of ‘deal-breakers’.

I’ll put up with an unbelievable amount of crap from a woman, but I’d drop a cheater in 2 seconds without a second thoughts.