Burnout and breakup

[Jonn]

I understand this but I’m curious did you go back to the relationship ever?

I wasn't the one who broke up.
My burnout was the problem, however.
I needed space and time.

I am hoping to rekindle a friendship, not a relationship in the future.
I am not particularly hopeful, though.

 

[Lorelei528]

I wasn't the one who broke up.
My burnout was the problem, however.
I needed space and time.

I am hoping to rekindle a friendship, not a relationship in the future.
I am not particularly hopeful, though.

Oh ok. I’m trying to find those who broke up a relationship in a burnout and if they reached out to their ex partner at all.
Or once they’re done they’re done? I’m Obie everyone is different obviously that’s why I’m just curious of others’ experience.

 

[Jonn]

Oh ok. I’m trying to find those who broke up a relationship in a burnout and if they reached out to their ex partner at all.
Or once they’re done they’re done? I’m Obie everyone is different obviously that’s why I’m just curious of others’ experience.

I think he just needs space.
I wouldn't give up on him just yet.

 

[Lorelei528]

I think he just needs space.
I wouldn't give up on him just yet.

I didn’t say this before but he also changed his fb relationship status…not sure even if it was the day he sent that message or the next two days afterwards.
I feel like if he was just taking a step back or needed a break well to me you’d still be in a relationship not single….
Idk.

 

[Jonn]

I didn’t say this before but he also changed his fb relationship status…not sure even if it was the day he sent that message or the next two days afterwards.
I feel like if he was just taking a step back or needed a break well to me you’d still be in a relationship not single….
Idk.

This could be autistic literalism, but it doesn't bode well.

He did say he would contact you again when he is in a better place.

 

[Lorelei528]

This could be autistic literalism, but it doesn't bode well.

He did say he would contact you again when he is in a better place.

What is autistic literalism?
Yeah I didn’t think so. I don’t think I should hold onto any hope at this point.

 

[Jonn]

What is autistic literalism?

What I meant by that is that he feels he is on a break/hiatus in the relationship and is compelled to verify that, assuming he is on the spectrum.

Yeah I didn’t think so. I don’t think I should hold onto any hope at this point.

I lean towards: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
Are YOU ready to move on?

So he has had burnout before.
Was it with you in the picture or was he referring to a previous relationship?

 

[MNAus]

Here's another way of looking at it. If he is or is not on the spectrum is of little relevance. You don't know exactly what's going on, but what you do know is that he has told you he is having mental health issues and would like some space. It sounds like you trust him and so will take what he says as the honest truth - which is a choice - so with that in mind the question now is what you do for yourself.

It may be that in a few weeks he feels better, it may be that he never really gets into the position where he feels he is able to be in a relationship. That is entirely out of your control. No amount of reading up, working out if he has autism, calculating odds of his return will make the slightest bit of difference. You well cast bones to try and effect an outcome. For you, it's a lottery, which means there's no point focusing on how the balls are tumbling, you can't do much about it. So what is best for you in the mean time? You need to make your life about YOUR decisions, not his. So you need to find your own happiness, rather than waiting to hear what he has to say. That's not shutting him out of your life, just getting on with positive things. And perhaps you might find after a period he asks if you can restart things, and you can make a decision if that's what you want in your life. Or you may find you find someone else and, as long as you're honest with your current BF, decide it's time to be with someone else. You're not obliged to sit and wait. You are entitled to make decisions for your own happiness.

 

[Jonn]

What is autistic literalism?

I will have another attempt.

What I proposed is that your BF took "taking a break" as not involved in a relationship at the moment, not an end of it.
He has said that he will contact you when he is coping better which suggests to me the relationship isn't over in his mind.
The assumption here is that he is telling the Truth.

 

[Lorelei528]

What I meant by that is that he feels he is on a break/hiatus in the relationship and is compelled to verify that, assuming he is on the spectrum.


I lean towards: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
Are YOU ready to move on?

So he has had burnout before.
Was it with you in the picture or was he referring to a previous relationship?

It happened 25 years ago after his divorce and his mother passed. Nothing since I’ve known him until now.

 

[Lorelei528]

I will have another attempt.

What I proposed is that your BF took "taking a break" as not involved in a relationship at the moment, not an end of it.
He has said that he will contact you when he is coping better which suggests to me the relationship isn't over in his mind.
The assumption here is that he is telling the Truth.

I think he meant it at the time. But him saying he just wanted to be on his own almost a week later seems permanent to me.

 

[Jonn]

I think he meant it at the time. But him saying he just wanted to be on his own almost a week later seems permanent to me.

A week is not a long time.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to read about your angst. Relationships are so confusing. Double messages are very frustrating. I wasn't sure if double messages are part of a gaslight technique, or l am too scared to commit except for the bare minimum.

 

[jsilver256]

My take, having worked with a lot of probable Aspies in Big Tech - it's quite possible he'll come back to you after a few weeks.

But also the very fact he did it in the first place means he lacks a lot of relational skills. So my advice is, make your peace as to whether you can adjust your expectations and commit to grow alongside him. Hopefully he has a growth mindset and can intellectually understand how much he's hurting you through this. And be open to pursuing a diagnosis and couples counseling.

My husband has been patiently helping me "learn" for 16 years and I still feel quite immature.

 

[Jonn]

My take, having worked with a lot of probable Aspies in Big Tech - it's quite possible he'll come back to you after a few weeks.

This is my best guess.

 

[AspieChris]

I lean towards: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."

Assuming he’s ASD…. if you’re hoping one day to reconnect romantically, focus on what NOT to do first. You seem to understand burnout well enough. Doing less, including something as simple as a voicemail, can be very helpful.

And whatever you do, do NOT date anyone else. I’ll get crap for saying this but it’s true, even though it shouldn’t be. Would you rather be lonely for the next year and then spent the next 6 months reconnecting with him? Or have him know you had a few dates during the next year and have his overburdened ASD brain try not to think about what happened on those dates that you’re not telling him, while weighing the pros and cons of a long distance relationship? Imagine being able to say “I never wanted anyone but you” and he believes it.

This is going to be a very long situation, regardless of him being on the spectrum or not. Long distance relationships rarely last unless they quickly become short distance. And you also deserve to be treated with the same respect. He shouldn’t get a free pass on respectfulness just because he might be ASD.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

And whatever you do, do NOT date anyone else. I’ll get crap for saying this but it’s true, even though it shouldn’t be. Would you rather be lonely for the next year and then spent the next 6 months reconnecting with him? Or have him know you had a few dates during the next year and have his overburdened ASD brain try not to think about what happened on those dates that you’re not telling him, while weighing the pros and cons of a long distance relationship? Imagine being able to say “I never wanted anyone but you” and he believes it.

Isn't this his fault for pulling away like he did, though? If she dates after he stops contact, that's her business. It's up to him to learn to deal with his imagination. That's adulthood. He's not going to learn, if his actions have no consequences.

 

[Lorelei528]

Assuming he’s ASD…. if you’re hoping one day to reconnect romantically, focus on what NOT to do first. You seem to understand burnout well enough. Doing less, including something as simple as a voicemail, can be very helpful.

And whatever you do, do NOT date anyone else. I’ll get crap for saying this but it’s true, even though it shouldn’t be. Would you rather be lonely for the next year and then spent the next 6 months reconnecting with him? Or have him know you had a few dates during the next year and have his overburdened ASD brain try not to think about what happened on those dates that you’re not telling him, while weighing the pros and cons of a long distance relationship? Imagine being able to say “I never wanted anyone but you” and he believes it.

This is going to be a very long situation, regardless of him being on the spectrum or not. Long distance relationships rarely last unless they quickly become short distance. And absolutely demand that you be treated with the same respect. He shouldn’t get a free pass on respectfulness just because he might be ASD.

It’s obvious you don’t know me. lol. I have no intentions of dating anyone anymore. I’m 56 years old and am simply done after this if I don’t hear from him.
And LDR can definitely work long term. I have a friend who is from the same city my partner is from and he just moved to be with his LDR gf of 7 years and now they’re married. I know of couples who have been together longer than that.
Our plan was he’s retiring in 4 years after he pays off his mortgage and we’d start the process then.

 

[AspieChris]

But also the very fact he did it in the first place means he lacks a lot of relational skills

I absolutely agree. This sounds like me, near the beginning of my 20’s. I had a lot of stress coming into my life from different directions and I didn’t handle it as well as I can today. Unfortunately things like bills, food, and fixing the car were things that could never be ‘cancelled’. So when I couldn’t think clearly anymore… my personal relationships were what I stopped handling well (if at all).

That overwhelming feeling that comes from burnout makes time and space seem to either completely stop or accelerate out of control. I might talk some sense into myself on Monday because of an argument we had on Sunday and apologize on Tuesday, expecting that you would be over it already too. Then begins a new fight because you think I never cared if I can be over it so quickly, but it felt like an eternity while I was chattering to myself all of Monday night.

 

[AspieChris]

Isn't this his fault for pulling away like he did, though? If she dates after he stops contact, that's her business. It's up to him to learn to deal with his imagination. That's adulthood. He's not going to learn, if his actions have no consequences.

You’re 100% correct. (I knew I’d get some negative remarks on that).

My suggestion was geared towards them learning the dating life together. Us guys with ASD can be very black and white, and rigid as hell, when it comes to “sharing” a romantic relationship. And as unfair and stupid as it sounds, my wife and I would probably be great friends today if she had dated anyone else after our first date, but we never would have progressed past that point. Our relationship becomes non-romantic the moment she has anything romantic with another man.

I’m only suggesting that the OP not take that chance if this guy is that important. It’s definitely not her responsibility to stay celibate while he pull his head out of his a**, but if she’s in love and wants it to go smoothly then maybe abstinence would help to guarantee an easier reconciliation.