Burnout and breakup

[AspieChris]

So those times you’re overwhelmed and feels like it will end in disaster you break up with the person? That is where his head is. Or that he can’t be the partner I want or need which isn’t at all the case.

All of it.

If I can’t satisfy her needs then if can never work and I should stop torturing myself and slowing her down. It doesn’t matter what “needs” I’m failing at: financial, travel/vacations, family, etc. Example: If I was planning already on having a vasectomy because I REALLY don’t want children but she came from a huge family and was determined to have a lot of kids, then why continue wasting eachother’s time? Let’s just move on.

Particularly if I’m dealing with a bunch of stress in my own life already, I might just amputate this relationship from my life and never look back.

 

[Lorelei528]

I had a girlfriend in high school who I was told (by an eye witness that I absolutely trusted) had been seen kissing her ex-boyfriend at a party. I really liked her but honesty and fidelity are non-negotiable for me. I was polite when she cried and denied the accusations, but that was the end of our relationship. Black and white.

A short time later, my “credible source” admitted that it was all a lie. A few of my ex-girlfriends friends had conspired to break us apart.

I then wanted us to get back together. Black and white. I don’t dwell on things I can’t change. She cheated, we’re done, no tears. Then I was wrong, I apologize, we get back together right??…..

It doesn’t work that way for NT’s. I understand that now. I learned to choose my words carefully (usually anyway), and delay big decisions like that because some things cannot be undone. And most NT’s think I am untrustworthy because I’m able to walk away from a bad situation without seeming to feel any remorse.

But why would we argue over salvaging something that cannot be fixed? It makes sense to me to walk away and move on quickly. But that kind of “Black & White” thinking gets me labeled as an emotionless robot.

Yeah no cheating here. Just cut off all contact. Again I just don’t know what to expect so wondering if anyone here on the spectrum has broken up, cease all contact and then wanted to get back together.
I don’t know I believed him at first about just needing a break but saying you just want to be on your own (with no now added) really in my eyes contradicts his original message

 

[AspieChris]

Thank you so much for your reply. I know not every experience is the same but I’ve heard such negative things. In any case just trying to go day by day and trying to let go as I can’t wait if he never does. I think you know what I mean.

Also….. he’s not just on the spectrum…. Us guys tend to be a lot more stupid when it comes to relationships. If you really think he’s a good one for you, then it would probably be best to be a friend and calmly help him through what sounds like a difficult time in his life.

I only say this because you appear to be exactly the kind of person he might need right now. And the fact that he’s choosing to let you go could be a sign that he’s significantly more stressed than he’s letting you see. After 50 years of being told that men don’t cry, we hold it in pretty well until it spills over (or explodes)

 

[Lorelei528]

I had a girlfriend in high school who I was told (by an eye witness that I absolutely trusted) had been seen kissing her ex-boyfriend at a party. I really liked her but honesty and fidelity are non-negotiable for me. I was polite when she cried and denied the accusations, but that was the end of our relationship. Black and white.

A short time later, my “credible source” admitted that it was all a lie. A few of my ex-girlfriends friends had conspired to break us apart.

I then wanted us to get back together. Black and white. I don’t dwell on things I can’t change. She cheated, we’re done, no tears. Then I was wrong, I apologize, we get back together right??…..

It doesn’t work that way for NT’s. I understand that now. I learned to choose my words carefully (usually anyway), and delay big decisions like that because some things cannot be undone. And most NT’s think I am untrustworthy because I’m able to walk away from a bad situation without seeming to feel any remorse.

But why would we argue over salvaging something that cannot be fixed? It makes sense to me to walk away and move on quickly. But that kind of “Black & White” thinking gets me labeled as an emotionless robot.

And this could definitely be fixed but I think he thinks that it can’t.

 

[Lorelei528]

All of it.

If I can’t satisfy her needs then if can never work and I should stop torturing myself and slowing her down. It doesn’t matter what “needs” I’m failing at: financial, travel/vacations, family, etc. Example: If I was planning already on having a vasectomy because I REALLY don’t want children but she came from a huge family and was determined to have a lot of kids, then why continue wasting eachother’s time? Let’s just move on.

Particularly if I’m dealing with a bunch of stress in my own life already, I might just amputate this relationship from my life and never look back.

This is what I’m afraid he’s done. Amputate the relationship and never look back.

 

[jsilver256]

Yes, autistics have black and white thinking, but they can also flip between black and white rapidly.

 

[AspieChris]

Yeah no cheating here. Just cut off all contact. Again I just don’t know what to expect so wondering if anyone here on the spectrum has broken up, cease all contact and then wanted to get back together.
I don’t know I believed him at first about just needing a break but saying you just want to be on your own (with no now added) really in my eyes contradicts his original message

If your question starts with “Has this ever happened…”, then the answer is probably yes.

My wife could tell you some stories about me that you would never believe. I always had the absolute best intentions, but to an outsider it looked like I was from another planet.

 

[Judge]

And my first post said what I wanted to hear was people’s own experiences not what I should or shouldn’t do.

If you dig deep enough into this forum on such subject, you just may find the answer you are looking for based on other's actual experiences along such lines. Make the most out of the forum's search engine.

Keeping in mind the chemistry of this place is constantly changing. Where what you want to know in the present may prove to be the most informative based on postings of the past.

After all, many NT women have posted similar questions over the years.

 

[AspieChris]

This is what I’m afraid he’s done. Amputate the relationship and never look back.

That’s the issue with me. I will decide that it can’t work and amputate. A short time later I may find out I was wrong or find a new solution, and suddenly I’m sewing it back together.

Continuing with the medical analogy…. I finally learned to quarantine the patient and keep her under strict observation before I do anything drastic. But there’s a lot of us doctors who will cut first and ask questions later.

What I have learned also is that by our age (I’m 50), men on the spectrum who haven’t learned to act more reasonably and rationally with relationships will likely not learn. So although he may be a nice guy under less stressful circumstances, he’ll likely react similarly in the future whenever life gets to be too much.

 

[AspieChris]

And this could definitely be fixed but I think he thinks that it can’t.

Yeah… I do that too. But I’m only ever able to see shades of grey after it’s way too late to change my mind.

 

[Lorelei528]

Yeah… I do that too. But I’m only ever able to see shades of grey after it’s way too late to change my mind.

Again this is what I’m afraid of. I mean I’d go back with him but I think he’ll think it’s too long if in fact he does contact me and takes like 8-9 months or a year for instance.

 

[Lorelei528]

That’s the issue with me. I will decide that it can’t work and amputate. A short time later I may find out I was wrong or find a new solution, and suddenly I’m sewing it back together.

Continuing with the medical analogy…. I finally learned to quarantine the patient and keep her under strict observation before I do anything drastic. But there’s a lot of us doctors who will cut first and ask questions later.

What I have learned also is that by our age (I’m 50), men on the spectrum who haven’t learned to act more reasonably and rationally with relationships will likely not learn. So although he may be a nice guy under less stressful circumstances, he’ll likely react similarly in the future whenever life gets to be too much.

We went for 5 years…and even under other stress he never did this. This one is much worse I can just tell.
Also he doesn’t even realize he’s on the spectrum. He just knows how he feels which is that he can’t be in a relationship.

 

[Judge]

We went for 5 years…and even under other stress he never did this. This one is much worse I can just tell.
Also he doesn’t even realize he’s on the spectrum. He just knows how he feels which is that he can’t be in a relationship.

Did you ever sense that he had a nebulous need for routine solitude, that likely had nothing to do with you personally? Relationships between those who are NT and those who are ND are always going to have to deal with this. That we need occasional solitude like air to breathe.

Not actually knowing you are on the spectrum is to me a devastating liability. One that I lived with at my own expense until the age of 55. When for the first time was able to understand who and what I was, relative to how I interact with others. It didn't make up for so many bad memories of failed interactions and relationships, but it at least gave me an understanding of why.

 

[Lorelei528]

Did you ever sense that he had a nebulous need for routine solitude, that likely had nothing to do with you personally? Relationships between those who are NT and those who are ND are always going to have to deal with this. That we need occasional solitude like air to breathe.

Not actually knowing you are on the spectrum is to me a devastating liability. One that I lived with at my own expense until the age of 55. When for the first time was able to understand who and what I was, relative to how I interact with others. It didn't make up for so many bad memories of failed interactions, but it at least gave me an understanding of why.

Yes. It was when we’d first gotten together and he said he wanted a relationship and he loved me he said that but then said he was lonely…
I just had no idea why he was like that. Figured he was afraid of being in a relationship because his marriage was horrible. But that ended 20 years earlier and he had only been in one other relationship.
That’s the thing, now that I understand this I’d have no problem giving him space etc.
And you’re right. I am the type of person who can help get him through this even if he thinks it’s partly because of the relationship because it’s like he’s making up stories on his head that aren’t true. But he has shut me out completely.

 

[AspieChris]

Here’s another question…..

Are you prepared for the possibility that things may always be this rocky with him?

 

[Judge]

Yes. It was when we’d first gotten together and he said he wanted a relationship and he loved me he said that but then said he was lonely…
I just had no idea why he was like that. Figured he was afraid of being in a relationship because his marriage was horrible. But that ended 20 years earlier and he had only been in one other relationship.
That’s the thing, now that I understand this I’d have no problem giving him space etc.
And you’re right. I am the type of person who can help get him through this even if he thinks it’s partly because of the relationship because it’s like he’s making up stories on his head that aren’t true. But he has shut me out completely.

Having an NT partner can be the ideal "wingman" for many autistic males trying to get through NT society with as few bumps and bruises as possible. Someone to both love and trust. Though the real challenge in such an equation weighs heavily with an autistic person coming to terms with who and what they are.

And from personal experience, it seems that realization that you are autistic must exclusively come from within. Even though it's likely to be a nasty journey of sorts, "filled with potholes" and lots of denial. Yet if he can get on the right track assuming his autism is very real, then perhaps he can begin to move in the right direction relative to improving his life and his relationship with you. Provided of course that he hasn't left it behind for good. Taking into consideration another trait- black and white thinking. And whether he already just "wrote you off".

IMO if there is any chance of him coming back to you, he's get to come to terms with who and what he is. And that you are willing to accommodate him, even if you end up pulling most of the weight in the relationship. Where you may have to perpetually deal with romantic and social inequities.

 

[Lorelei528]

Here’s another question…..

Are you prepared for the possibility that things may always be this rocky with him?

Yes

 

[Lorelei528]

Having an NT partner can be the ideal "wingman" for many autistic males trying to get through NT society with as few bumps and bruises as possible. Someone to both love and trust. Though the real challenge in such an equation weighs heavily with an autistic person coming to terms with who and what they are.

And from personal experience, it seems that realization that you are autistic must exclusively come from within. Even though it's likely to be a nasty journey of sorts, "filled with potholes" and lots of denial. Yet if he can get on the right track assuming his autism is very real, then perhaps he can begin to move in the right direction relative to improving his life and his relationship with you. Provided of course that he hasn't left it behind for good. Taking into consideration another trait- black and white thinking. And whether he already just "wrote you off".

IMO if there is any chance of him coming back to you, he's get to come to terms with who and what he is. And that you are willing to accommodate him, even if you end up pulling most of the weight in the relationship. Where you may have to perpetually deal with romantic and social inequities.

I don’t have a problem with this but I feel he has already written me off. I mean h changed his fb relationship status and told me he “…just wants to be on his own” in an email response asking if this was over.
I don’t think he meant what he said about being in touch or just taking a break.

 

[Lorelei528]

Having an NT partner can be the ideal "wingman" for many autistic males trying to get through NT society with as few bumps and bruises as possible. Someone to both love and trust. Though the real challenge in such an equation weighs heavily with an autistic person coming to terms with who and what they are.

And from personal experience, it seems that realization that you are autistic must exclusively come from within. Even though it's likely to be a nasty journey of sorts, "filled with potholes" and lots of denial. Yet if he can get on the right track assuming his autism is very real, then perhaps he can begin to move in the right direction relative to improving his life and his relationship with you. Provided of course that he hasn't left it behind for good. Taking into consideration another trait- black and white thinking. And whether he already just "wrote you off".

IMO if there is any chance of him coming back to you, he's get to come to terms with who and what he is. And that you are willing to accommodate him, even if you end up pulling most of the weight in the relationship. Where you may have to perpetually deal with romantic and social inequities.

I mean he blocked me on everything like instantly so he cut off all communication except snail mail.

 

[Judge]

I don’t have a problem with this but I feel he has already written me off. I mean h changed his fb relationship status and told me he “…just wants to be on his own” in an email response asking if this was over.
I don’t think he meant what he said about being in touch or just taking a break.

Perhaps the most objective thing to comment on is likely that he isn't sure how he really feels, but only that he is reacting quite decisively.

But this means that it's up to him whether or not he changes his mind, with absolutely no timeline to consider whether or not waiting for him to "come around" is a waste of time. Leaving with you a simple question being willing to wait whatever amount of time it takes for a possibility of him returning to you.

And perhaps most of all, whether or not deep in your heart, you may never forgive him for breaking up. If you retain such feelings, rekindling the relatioship will likely fail in time.