Can someone help me decode this message?

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I think you should just follow your instinct and use your own personal thoughts and feelings if you want to respond. If you don’t want to or feel uncomfortable about it in any way then don’t respond. You just need to stay collected and use your own judgment here.

 

[1ForAll]

I have mixed feelings here. I am going to give both the positives and negatives with what I see from the email letter and from the little I know, as I am not sure whether they are sincere and want to do better or instead feel no remorse and just worded things in a way they think will reel you back in. I do not know them well enough to say either way, and whether they have done this sort of thing before.

The positive side to me says there is some chance they are trying to do better and understand more, and they sincerely want to listen and admit how they can do better if you or someone else told them more details there. Perhaps that time with you out of their lives and with you showing more distance gave them a different perspective and energy to start being better, knowing they cannot control you anymore.

However, the rational and nitpicking side to me says something seems off with that email, despite the mostly ok words there. I mean, why did they suggest that them invading your privacy was the main issue you were upset at or that caused distance? I mean, why did they not see this email as an opportunity to apologize for other major wrongs that you may have told them about earlier, or that they knew they did was wrong? Why did not they state how they should have done those things differently, or how they can try to make up for those wrongs now?

And why would they jump to wanting you to come to their home, instead of recommending neutral place or asking you to pick the most comfortable method and place for you, but stating only if you ever wanted that? They gave you two options basically, their place or some third party person. They did not ask your feelings there. Also, could talk of them wanting this or that, and being overwhelmed and grieving, be an indicator they are showing they are doing what is best for them and not for you, wanting them to be seen like the victim more later on?

If I were that parent, and if I was sincere in wanting to do better, and to have a new healthier relationship with a grown child, and if I really was feeling remorse for past actions that I knew very much upset them, I would first expressed sincere apology there and blamed myself for messing up there and telling them exactly what I could have done better and should have done instead for each of those things, for all the past things hurtful things, and not just say I was sorry for any recent thing, and not just to say let's talk.

I would validate their pain all those years that I caused,, and I would ask how I could do things better in other ways too, as I have a desire to learn from my wrongs and mistakes, and I would say the goal now is not to raise them, but for them to be happier in life with having less stress and pain from my wrongs. I would tell them of all the things I loved about them, and why I was proud of them. That purpose would not be to get sympathy from them or with intent to increase the odds of further contacts, but so as I could at worst feel like I did the final right thing there, that came from my heart. Granted, selfish or ignorant persons though will have a hard time wording things that way, as the goal could be to say what they think you want to hear, or to reel you in and continue certain selfish and abusive ways.

Whether you give them another chance is your decision. I would just not do it on their terms. If you decide to reply, you can pick the time, method or place, and they should not rush anything, and you can set the terms, like them not playing victim for your choices as an adult, no critiques, no pressure, and you can even be more specific in what you need from them, or else tell them you rather just keep things as they are. I mean, if it were me as the adult child, I think it was a reasonable start for them to say as much as they did, and if you think any future apologies or better treatment towards you from them could much better your emotional health, then it might be worth giving them one more chance by stating like by email what you must see from them, if you feel there is a chance they are sincere in wanting to do better.. But, if you think it is more likely an eventual return to harmful prior ways for them, then it's best to either ignore, or perhaps say like, 'I read your email. I am doing fine with my life. I will contact you per desire or need at my best timing. I wish you well in the meantime.'

I guess though one reason I would not rule out giving them one more chance is it must have been hard for them to say words like we miss you, and to admit they did that recent wrong at least. Narcissists like I know would never word emails like that, or allow someone to send such on their behalf or help them word it like that. The ones I know could not show any sign of sympathy, empathy, wrong, flexibility, open mindedness, or sincerity. So, that gives me some hope in your situation. I can just say in our situations, the patterns of certain adult relative behaviors were so toxic and inflexible we had no choice to end contacts, as they either could not change or admit any wrongs at all, or as promises at changing and to show more care were very short lived.

I do not know your parents well enough though to state what is best for you to do, as I see both sides there. It has to be your choice what you feel could give you the most benefit. In one way, I could say they cannot be trusted yet, as they need to show more, but another side to me says, if you have more empathy and strength than them, consider giving them a final chance, now that they know you have the ability to not deal with them or push them away for longer periods, and since they know they will have to be on their best behaviors.

 

[All-Rounder]

Whether they are ill intended or not, what they are doing is luring you.

If you've made a [good] decision in your life don't doubt it.

Remember people who didn't change while you were there are very unlikely to change because you left. They might want just you to change. Don't expect to go back and it be changed.

You can ignore the message, you owe nobody but yourself the best of care and explanations.

 

[All-Rounder]

Well, I appreciate your perspective but there are multiple reasons why I have been no contact with them over the past few years. All of them dysfunctional and abuse related. Should family abuse family?

If abuse is involved it's very likely to be extremely manipulative. These people have a lifetime of experience with emotionally manipulating you.

Don't listen to emotion, listen to the voice of reason in this decision.

 

[All-Rounder]

Your perspective is very helpful to read; thank you.

My mother is the narcissist, and my father the enabler. But it's clear that the only thing they want is me, and to hear from and understand me. But understand which version of me?

Whoops, regarding your other bit---I never respond to my mother at all because all she ever has to say is complaints, laments, other things; also Facebook messaging no longer works. I communicate as little as possible with my father via email, and it's rarely. I never reach out for birthdays, or holidays, or Christmas; not since my diagnosis. It's doubly issue because mom would always say, "Well dad is always the favourite! How come no one talks to me?" Well, gee, mom....I wonder...

Oh yes, I've learned the difference between being nice and vulnerable and how it may also be dangerous. How do I be empathetic but not cover myself in bread before a beach full of seagulls?

That's what I've noticed too. Discussions are transactional with them. They care about basics, like how money is going, how my partner is doing--from a superficial perspective--mow the home is, etc. But I've never been able to reveal deep, personal information with them.

Hmm...I've been incredibly LC with them for almost three years; only seeing them three times.


I appreciate the good they did in life, but I don't like who they are as people. I don't like how I feel when I'm around them (a point if I made which would be turned around so that my feelings are causing the issue) and I can agree that I was shaped by them, both good and bad. But the real thing that makes me very angry at them is that it took me to find out that I have autism, and that they never helped me with it. That's the catalyst for me for originally cutting them out of my mind.

Well if you communicate with your dad then why is he included in the letter, don't you think it's like they're twisting the experience to dramatize it? Narc mom does that constantly.

I let her know I'm going out, she gets dramatic. The more i treat her like she's worth nothing and handle the guilt she tries to trip me with for information the better she treats me. She calls everyone and yells at them about where I went to and mentally desroys them and they worry about her behavior more than she does. She's full of lies, acting like I'm a disappeared 3 year old, nothing works like ignoring her entirely.

 

[All-Rounder]

You're only responsible for your own mental stress and closure.

 

[All-Rounder]

But I don't know what my gut is saying! I'd hate to leave them hanging, because no closure drives me, an autist, up the wall and I'm sure it does for them too. As I said above, it's a chance for me to come clean about everything, and say that my fiance despises them both for the treatment they put me through during youth, but I just don't know how/if to articulate.

Hmm...you're right; I'm not ready to talk now but at the same time there's too much to say. I worry that if I start to write a reply then everything will come out, as if I'm a word-volcano. But yes; do they miss me as me or me as the version of a child, as one who was easy to manipulate and control and command and influence?

Yeah; is it bate? No, I don't want to see them in person. Understanding may be helpful, yes. I'll think on what you've suggested.

It sounds like you still have a lot to process and heal from.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

The letter sounds as if it were composed, or at least coached, by a therapist. Perhaps they are in therapy and trying to move into a more mature developmental stage. This could be positive.

From listening to the experiences of many adult children of alcoholics who want to discuss the family dynamics and the hurt they experienced with their parents, these rarely go well. My personal opinion is that if you want to connect, connect in the present and let the past go. Your parents cannot fix the wrongs done when you were a child.

I would not recommend resuming contact with your parents if you cannot put aside all the anger and hurt from your childhood. There is nothing to be gained by reliving it. At least in my personal opinion.

Are you ready to forgive your parents for all they have done wrong? Something to think about. Can you carry on a conversation with them understanding they are limited by their own mental illnesses, their own histories.

If you are going to reconnect with your parents, can you accept that they are not going to be able to fill you with the love and care you missed out on? They are still the same people, with the same limitations.

I was able to make peace with one grandmother when I realized and went through all the above. I accepted that my brother was her favorite and that if I called her (to wish her happy birthday) the conversation would immediately turn to whatever great thing my brother had done recently. I understood her limitations and how they contributed to my father's limitations. I had minimal contact with her, but it was respectful and caring. I'm glad I did have this relationship with her in the last few years of her life. - Just as an example.

I wish you the best in whatever manner you choose to move on this. There is no right or wrong answer here.

 

[Human Avatar]

It is hard to know what exactly their intentions are . Being that your relationship to them is only unique to you. I had a very strained relationship with my parents for most of my life. And we are on coexisting terms now . Seeing each other on holidays etc .

I have set boundaries and don’t get involved with things with them much .

It think @Outdated gave you very good advice.If I got a letter like this from my parents I would suspect they just want something from me. But that is my personal experience . Nothing that has anything to do with your situation.

Best of luck , I hope you decide what is best for “you” .

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It is hard to know what exactly their intentions are . Being that your relationship to them is only unique to you. I had a very strained relationship with my parents for most of my life. And we are on coexisting terms now . Seeing each other on holidays etc .

I have set boundaries and don’t get involved with things with them much .

It think @Outdated gave you very good advice.If I got a letter like this from my parents I would suspect they just want something from me. But that is my personal experience . Nothing that has anything to do with your situation.

Best of luck , I hope you decide what is best for “you” .

I agree that form the outside, this letter seems well-intending. And your parents see you way more often than mine do!

Well, I had my suspicions too at first--and I think you and many others are right: it's a bait and lure. Yet I cannot also help but wonder if they do desperately need my help with something, and I'm being stubborn.

Thank you for your encouragement and perspective!

 

[autism-and-autotune]

The letter sounds as if it were composed, or at least coached, by a therapist. Perhaps they are in therapy and trying to move into a more mature developmental stage. This could be positive.

From listening to the experiences of many adult children of alcoholics who want to discuss the family dynamics and the hurt they experienced with their parents, these rarely go well. My personal opinion is that if you want to connect, connect in the present and let the past go. Your parents cannot fix the wrongs done when you were a child.

I would not recommend resuming contact with your parents if you cannot put aside all the anger and hurt from your childhood. There is nothing to be gained by reliving it. At least in my personal opinion.

Are you ready to forgive your parents for all they have done wrong? Something to think about. Can you carry on a conversation with them understanding they are limited by their own mental illnesses, their own histories.

If you are going to reconnect with your parents, can you accept that they are not going to be able to fill you with the love and care you missed out on? They are still the same people, with the same limitations.

I was able to make peace with one grandmother when I realized and went through all the above. I accepted that my brother was her favorite and that if I called her (to wish her happy birthday) the conversation would immediately turn to whatever great thing my brother had done recently. I understood her limitations and how they contributed to my father's limitations. I had minimal contact with her, but it was respectful and caring. I'm glad I did have this relationship with her in the last few years of her life. - Just as an example.

I wish you the best in whatever manner you choose to move on this. There is no right or wrong answer here.

Perhaps they are in therapy--and yes, I find the wording to be way too odd and professional. But that's all that emails and conversations have ever been with my parents.

True, I cannot fix the wrongs done to me--but nor can I just dismiss them. They hurt me and shaped me. No, I cannot relive these events, but I can reflect on them and more importantly understand why they happened--it's all to do with mental health.

I do not like talking with them. If I forgive them, they'll never know. Any parent who makes a conscious choice to hurt their child and do nothing with their spouse also hurts their child is, frankly, wrong. And what would be the point of continuing an empty relationship with them when I have all that I need from my fiance?

Well, I'm glad that you were able to become amiable with your grandmother. I like happy resolutions like these. But my concern with my parents is that once they have a foothold, they will continue to manipulate and exploit me for their own gain. My mother has always wanted 'the picture-perfect family' and because she didn't get the children she desired, all her love goes into her dogs, who are pretty and obedient. I do not like talking with them, nor how I feel in their presence. I'd rather spare myself turmoil than serve their needs.

Thank you though for your encouragement. :=)

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It sounds like you still have a lot to process and heal from.

I do have much to heal from, and it's a hard process to begin and keep going with. Each instance of contact I have with them destroys whatever progress I've made psychologically.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

You're only responsible for your own mental stress and closure.

True, yes. I know what 'no closure' in relationships feel like, and while I'd never wish that on anyone else...these are people who I once dreaded living with. I wish them no pure ill but neither do I have sympathy for their plight.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Well if you communicate with your dad then why is he included in the letter, don't you think it's like they're twisting the experience to dramatize it? Narc mom does that constantly.

I let her know I'm going out, she gets dramatic. The more i treat her like she's worth nothing and handle the guilt she tries to trip me with for information the better she treats me. She calls everyone and yells at them about where I went to and mentally desroys them and they worry about her behavior more than she does. She's full of lies, acting like I'm a disappeared 3 year old, nothing works like ignoring her entirely.

My father did not write the letter; he is merely the messenger. "Hmm, he'll respond to it because he loves his father more than me!" is probably her way of thinking. She tries to connect with me through Facebook but I left there a year ago.

Golly, I'm sorry to hear of that you've got to live with.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Whether they are ill intended or not, what they are doing is luring you.

If you've made a [good] decision in your life don't doubt it.

Remember people who didn't change while you were there are very unlikely to change because you left. They might want just you to change. Don't expect to go back and it be changed.

You can ignore the message, you owe nobody but yourself the best of care and explanations.

I agree that they are luring. If I can know reasons why I don't speak with them, then why don't they get it?

Of course they won't change! It's a crummy realization because we think our parents are super-heros, but...they're not.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

If abuse is involved it's very likely to be extremely manipulative. These people have a lifetime of experience with emotionally manipulating you.

Don't listen to emotion, listen to the voice of reason in this decision.

Very apt. It's so tempting because the one thing I've wanted from my parents is for them to listen to me and understand me for my whole life but they've never put in the effort. I've heard that with some parents and children, independence and distance makes bonds stronger, but in this case...

 

[Rodafina]

I do have much to heal from, and it's a hard process to begin and keep going with. Each instance of contact I have with them destroys whatever progress I've made psychologically.

This is very important information. Maybe now is simply not the time to focus your attention outward (toward your parents) but continue to heal within and focus on you and your partner.

I wonder if taking up their offer of respecting your decision to not engage right now could give you useful information as to whether they will keep their word and respect your decision. Not a test, per se, but seeing if a boundary can really be honored.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I have mixed feelings here. I am going to give both the positives and negatives with what I see from the email letter and from the little I know, as I am not sure whether they are sincere and want to do better or instead feel no remorse and just worded things in a way they think will reel you back in. I do not know them well enough to say either way, and whether they have done this sort of thing before.

The positive side to me says there is some chance they are trying to do better and understand more, and they sincerely want to listen and admit how they can do better if you or someone else told them more details there. Perhaps that time with you out of their lives and with you showing more distance gave them a different perspective and energy to start being better, knowing they cannot control you anymore.

However, the rational and nitpicking side to me says something seems off with that email, despite the mostly ok words there. I mean, why did they suggest that them invading your privacy was the main issue you were upset at or that caused distance? I mean, why did they not see this email as an opportunity to apologize for other major wrongs that you may have told them about earlier, or that they knew they did was wrong? Why did not they state how they should have done those things differently, or how they can try to make up for those wrongs now?

And why would they jump to wanting you to come to their home, instead of recommending neutral place or asking you to pick the most comfortable method and place for you, but stating only if you ever wanted that? They gave you two options basically, their place or some third party person. They did not ask your feelings there. Also, could talk of them wanting this or that, and being overwhelmed and grieving, be an indicator they are showing they are doing what is best for them and not for you, wanting them to be seen like the victim more later on?

If I were that parent, and if I was sincere in wanting to do better, and to have a new healthier relationship with a grown child, and if I really was feeling remorse for past actions that I knew very much upset them, I would first expressed sincere apology there and blamed myself for messing up there and telling them exactly what I could have done better and should have done instead for each of those things, for all the past things hurtful things, and not just say I was sorry for any recent thing, and not just to say let's talk.

I would validate their pain all those years that I caused,, and I would ask how I could do things better in other ways too, as I have a desire to learn from my wrongs and mistakes, and I would say the goal now is not to raise them, but for them to be happier in life with having less stress and pain from my wrongs. I would tell them of all the things I loved about them, and why I was proud of them. That purpose would not be to get sympathy from them or with intent to increase the odds of further contacts, but so as I could at worst feel like I did the final right thing there, that came from my heart. Granted, selfish or ignorant persons though will have a hard time wording things that way, as the goal could be to say what they think you want to hear, or to reel you in and continue certain selfish and abusive ways.

Whether you give them another chance is your decision. I would just not do it on their terms. If you decide to reply, you can pick the time, method or place, and they should not rush anything, and you can set the terms, like them not playing victim for your choices as an adult, no critiques, no pressure, and you can even be more specific in what you need from them, or else tell them you rather just keep things as they are. I mean, if it were me as the adult child, I think it was a reasonable start for them to say as much as they did, and if you think any future apologies or better treatment towards you from them could much better your emotional health, then it might be worth giving them one more chance by stating like by email what you must see from them, if you feel there is a chance they are sincere in wanting to do better.. But, if you think it is more likely an eventual return to harmful prior ways for them, then it's best to either ignore, or perhaps say like, 'I read your email. I am doing fine with my life. I will contact you per desire or need at my best timing. I wish you well in the meantime.'

I guess though one reason I would not rule out giving them one more chance is it must have been hard for them to say words like we miss you, and to admit they did that recent wrong at least. Narcissists like I know would never word emails like that, or allow someone to send such on their behalf or help them word it like that. The ones I know could not show any sign of sympathy, empathy, wrong, flexibility, open mindedness, or sincerity. So, that gives me some hope in your situation. I can just say in our situations, the patterns of certain adult relative behaviors were so toxic and inflexible we had no choice to end contacts, as they either could not change or admit any wrongs at all, or as promises at changing and to show more care were very short lived.

I do not know your parents well enough though to state what is best for you to do, as I see both sides there. It has to be your choice what you feel could give you the most benefit. In one way, I could say they cannot be trusted yet, as they need to show more, but another side to me says, if you have more empathy and strength than them, consider giving them a final chance, now that they know you have the ability to not deal with them or push them away for longer periods, and since they know they will have to be on their best behaviors.

I appreciate you offering both the pros and cons here. I hadn't even really thought that far when thinking if I should respond or not.

I trust your observations and find most of it suspicious too. They would want me at their house so I can feel like a child again. They would want 'a third party'--and not my fiance, note--because an outsider is easier to manipulate. Not my fiance because they loathe my parents and see through the facade. They don't want a public, neutral space because then they have to be 'on good behaviour' and cannot interrogate or ream me out.

Neither of my parents have ever apologized for anything wrong. Even back a few months when I told my father I'd not attend the funeral, explaining why the actions were harmful, it was...radio silence. Notice too that in this letter she justifies the actions regarding invading our home. Even your hypothetical plan for apologies and becoming better sounds eons better than what they've ever done.

You've given a good suggestion. While acknowledgement of the letter might be good and polite, any response of any kind would mean that she 'wins.' Regardless if my reply is negative or positive, it'll be used as fuel and supply for sympathy from other people. They cannot punish me simply for doing nothing.

I do not think they miss me as I am, but they miss me when I was a child--obedient and trusting and easily able to be controlled. They do not miss the 'me' who is independent and his own authentic self. I agree that it's so hard to determine what is authentic here and what is pure narcissistic web-weaving.

Thank you a lot for your observations and dissection of this. Your perspective is helpful indeed

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This is very important information. Maybe now is simply not the time to focus your attention outward (toward your parents) but continue to heal within and focus on you and your partner.

I wonder if taking up their offer of respecting your decision to not engage right now could give you useful information as to whether they will keep their word and respect your decision. Not a test, per se, but seeing if a boundary can really be honored.

Yes; I appreciate your suggestion. If I do not speak with them, it is for a reason--even if they cannot understand or contemplate it.

No, I think it's a test too. Narcissists will cause chaos, wait a few months til the dust settles, 'apologize' and butter someone up, and then pull the same garbage.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I think you should just follow your instinct and use your own personal thoughts and feelings if you want to respond. If you don’t want to or feel uncomfortable about it in any way then don’t respond. You just need to stay collected and use your own judgment here.

This succinct way of thinking is what I wish my brain could default to :/ Thank you for your advice!