Confused and need advice

[Aryana]

Hi.
I am a NT female who has feelings for a guy I believe has Aspergers . It's kind of a long story but I'll make it as short as possible. I met him two and a half years ago he could barely even say hi to me it has taken all this time for him to be comfortable around me. I have two young children. He is very good with them in fact at the beginning he would hang out with them more than me when we were all together. When he's around me he gets kind of shy and smiley and blushy. Now he can spend hours talking to me. He teaching my kids how to play guitar and after that he will spend time hanging out has dinner and talks with me for hours. However whenever I ask him to do something just him and I he gets shy like and will make an excuse like I don't know I might have to do this or I want to do this and I will say okay you don't have to hang out with me you can do whatever you need to do it's fine and then he will say well I don't really need to do it he's so wishy-washy I never know if he wants to hang out or he's just being nice and doesn't want to say no. He ends up hanging out with me. I just recently asked him to hang out because I will not have my kids and he said well I may want to do this and I said okay you don't have to hang out again you can do that I said so do you want to give me an answer now that that's what you want to do and you don't want to hang out and he just shrugs his shoulders and smiles and doesn't give me an answer yes or no. It's really impossible to know how he's feeling so I told him I will text him to see if he wants to hang out or not later in the week. So I can't tell if he has feelings for me or he just likes my company? Like I said he will spend hours talking to me and he never wants to leave. I'm not sure what to do at this point do I tell him how I feel but then I don't want to freak him out? Any advice will be helpful thanks!

 

[Judge]

In the eyes of Neurotypicals, some of us can be notorious for not verbalizing our feelings on a level NTs want or expect. That's when you either have to decide to deal live with it, or find someone else who verbalizes their feelings better. But before considering that, think of what you wrote:

"Like I said he will spend hours talking to me and he never wants to leave." For us, actions can often speak louder than words.

I suspect he has deep feelings for both you and your kids. But verbalizing them may be very difficult for him while so critical to you. Something I know well, as I lost probably my most valuable relationship because of my inability to verbalize such feelings. At a time when neither she or myself had a clue that I could be autistic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you are waiting for him to make the first move physically and romantically. He may be critically shy in this respect, and not experienced in taking the lead. In which case you may have to do that yourself to advance the relationship. Then again doing just that might expose what the problem is, if in fact it involves something beyond mere shyness. Does he have a history of past relationships, or has he been completely silent about such things? He may have no such past, and not want to admit it.

In any event I really get the impression that if you take control physically and romantically, you'll either succeed or learn why such a relationship has no chance.

 

[Aryana]

In the eyes of Neurotypicals, some of us can be notorious for not verbalizing our feelings on a level NTs want or expect. That's when you either have to decide to deal live with it, or find someone else who verbalizes their feelings better. But before considering that, think of what you wrote:

"Like I said he will spend hours talking to me and he never wants to leave." For us, actions can often speak louder than words.

I suspect he has deep feelings for both you and your kids. But verbalizing them may be very difficult for him while so critical to you. Something I know well, as I lost probably my most valuable relationship because of my inability to verbalize such feelings. At a time when neither she or myself had a clue that I could be autistic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you are waiting for him to make the first move physically and romantically. He may be critically shy in this respect, and not experienced in taking the lead. In which case you may have to do that yourself to advance the relationship. Then again doing just that might expose what the problem is, if in fact it involves something beyond mere shyness. Does he have a history of past relationships, or has he been completely silent about such things? He may have no such past, and not want to admit it.

In any event I really get the impression that if you take control physically and romantically, you'll either succeed or learn why such a relationship has no chance.

Thanks for the advice. He has admitted to never having a girlfriend and he is 42 years old. So how do I go about showing him I have romantic feelings for him without scaring him?

 

[Judge]

Thanks for the advice. He has admitted to never having a girlfriend and he is 42 years old. So how do I go about showing him I have romantic feelings for him without scaring him?

Oh my....to me this says a lot! Take control....you may be shocked where it gets you. But if you leave it all to him, I'd wager nothing changes. Even while he may wear his heart on his sleeve in subtle ways.

Hmmm. "Without scaring him" ? That I can't answer. Depends on you...but if you go slow and methodically who knows? Initially it all might seem terrifying to him. But at some point it should all change, assuming he's physically up to it. Though for me communicating on a physical level was always easier than on a verbal one.

Treat his inexperience with great compassion.

I suspect he's very much interested in you in all the best ways. Good luck.

 

[Aryana]

Oh my....to me this says a lot! Take control....you may be shocked where it gets you. But if you leave it all to him, I'd wager nothing changes. Even while he may wear his heart on his sleeve in subtle ways.

I suspect he's very much interested in you in all the best ways. Good luck.

Thank you! I will somehow get the courage to make a move . I really appreciate your help.

 

[Judge]

Thank you! I will somehow get the courage to make a move . I really appreciate your help.

With truly autistic men it may make all the difference in the world.

 

[Aryana]

With truly autistic men it may make all the difference in the world.

,,

 

[Aryana]

,,

I will let you know what happens,,,
,,

,

 

[Judge]

I once had a good friend knock on my door around midnight. She smiled at the door, stepped in and passionately kissed me. By the morning I had a new girlfriend. It happens. Had she not done that, I probably would have never made a move given a number of circumstances.

 

[Aryana]

I once had a good friend knock on my door around midnight. She smiled at the door, stepped in and passionately kissed me. By the morning I had a new girlfriend. It happens.

Aw that makes me happy!! I do worry he may not like physical intimacy but I guess I won't know until I try. I did ask him on new years if I could give him a hug and he said yes . Which I was surprised about because a year or so ago my daughter went to give him a hug and he jumped back wouldn't let her and then I said to my daughter not everybody likes hugs and he said hugs are okay and he pulls her to the side and wouldn't give her a full on hug and she tried again later that night and he did the same thing jump back and then give her a side hug but New Years he gave me a full-blown hug and then really hugged my daughter and put his face on her face and looked up at me and smiled such a difference from last year. But I agree with you if I don't make the move nothing will change. So far I've been the one to initiate everything and get us to the point we are now I'm just afraid of getting hurt.

 

[Judge]

Aw that makes me happy!! I do worry he may not like physical intimacy but I guess I won't know until I try. I did ask him on new years if I could give him a hug and he said yes . Which I was surprised about because a year or so ago my daughter went to give him a hug and he jumped back wouldn't let her and then I said to my daughter not everybody likes hugs and he said hugs are okay and he pulls her to the side and wouldn't give her a full on hug and she tried again later that night and he did the same thing jump back and then give her a side hug but New Years he gave me a full-blown hug and then really hugged my daughter and put his face on her face and looked up at me and smiled such a difference from last year. But I agree with you if I don't make the move nothing will change. So far I've been the one to initiate everything and get us to the point we are now I'm just afraid of getting hurt.

Yeah, it sounds like you have to go really slowly on the physical side of things. Hopefully you'll notice him get more comfortable with it, and then you can "accelerate" things. Of course there's a point where Mother Nature will put him in the driver's seat over such things.

 

[Aryana]

Yeah, it sounds like you have to go really slowly on the physical side of things. Hopefully you'll notice him get more comfortable with it, and then you can "accelerate" things. Of course there's a point where Mother Nature will put him in the driver's seat over such things.

I am willing to be patient and go slow . Hopefully you are right lol. He is definitely worth it to me. It took 3 years to get to this point. He could barely say hi to me and when he did he would take off .

 

[Judge]

I am willing to be patient and go slow . Hopefully you are right lol. He is definitely worth it to me. It took 3 years to get to this point. He could barely say hi to me and when he did he would take off .

Painfully shy. Well, it's a tribute to your persistence. I hope it pays off and that he can appreciate you for it.

 

[Aryana]

Painfully shy. Well, it's a tribute to your persistence. I hope it pays off and that he can appreciate you for it.

 

[Aryana]

Me too!!

 

[Tom]

I think all kids on the spectrum should spend one summer staying with an Italian family. Kind of like an exchange program. They will come back either acclimatized to hugs or a varsity level wrestler.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yes, for us actions do speak louder than words. It seems he is into you. I was shy and very rejection sensitive, and it took me a lot of work on myself to be able to have agency, advocating for myself. Remain accepting of him, and learn how to communicate directly and unambiguously. When I met my spouse it was an exceptional occurrence, an intense four day road trip going to a Sierra Club project. She was so accepting that I was falling for her. Finally I went way past my comfort level and professed to her. My mind instantly panicked because I had never expressed such to a woman. She patiently and kindly assuaged my anxiety by explaining that we were taking our friendship to a new level.

In dealing with a shy guy (and I was one) I point women towards an excellent article; Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com . But understand, that his communication style/passivity, may be something that he will not change.

 

[Demon_Scientist_069420]

Hi.
I am a NT female who has feelings for a guy I believe has Aspergers . It's kind of a long story but I'll make it as short as possible. I met him two and a half years ago he could barely even say hi to me it has taken all this time for him to be comfortable around me. I have two young children. He is very good with them in fact at the beginning he would hang out with them more than me when we were all together. When he's around me he gets kind of shy and smiley and blushy. Now he can spend hours talking to me. He teaching my kids how to play guitar and after that he will spend time hanging out has dinner and talks with me for hours. However whenever I ask him to do something just him and I he gets shy like and will make an excuse like I don't know I might have to do this or I want to do this and I will say okay you don't have to hang out with me you can do whatever you need to do it's fine and then he will say well I don't really need to do it he's so wishy-washy I never know if he wants to hang out or he's just being nice and doesn't want to say no. He ends up hanging out with me. I just recently asked him to hang out because I will not have my kids and he said well I may want to do this and I said okay you don't have to hang out again you can do that I said so do you want to give me an answer now that that's what you want to do and you don't want to hang out and he just shrugs his shoulders and smiles and doesn't give me an answer yes or no. It's really impossible to know how he's feeling so I told him I will text him to see if he wants to hang out or not later in the week. So I can't tell if he has feelings for me or he just likes my company? Like I said he will spend hours talking to me and he never wants to leave. I'm not sure what to do at this point do I tell him how I feel but then I don't want to freak him out? Any advice will be helpful thanks!

As someone with Asperger's myself, he probably is afraid to say no about hanging out, but he doesn't want to lose the connection. It's a double-edged sword.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

i'm 28, autistic male and never been physically intimate (funny, this is what i'm discussing with my psychologist at the moment)

my whole life i've kind of just assumed that people didnt like me romantically, which makes interactions easier for me to categorize and know how to react

i know it's not a great approach, but the anxiety around inexperience and my fear of misinterpreting signals is pretty strong!

i've tried online dating and got stood up multiple times by the people i set dates with, which has discouraged me from continuing to try that.

as far as organic relationships, i've had one friend who told me (while visiting after she moved away) that she liked me and that we had actually already gone on several dates that i didnt realize were dates. unfortunately, the distance has put a block on that relationship.

personally, i know if she had just told me from the start that she was interested romantically, i would've been open to it, but since its easier for me not to assume someone is flirting, i didnt know she liked me until she moved accross the country.

nobody is exactly like anyone else, but i would love it if someone just removed all the guesswork and told me directly that they like me.

and don't worry, i'm going to try to start working on getting better at sending and receiving signals.

hope that helps!

 

[Aryana]

i'm 28, autistic male and never been physically intimate (funny, this is what i'm discussing with my psychologist at the moment)

my whole life i've kind of just assumed that people didnt like me romantically, which makes interactions easier for me to categorize and know how to react

i know it's not a great approach, but the anxiety around inexperience and my fear of misinterpreting signals is pretty strong!

i've tried online dating and got stood up multiple times by the people i set dates with, which has discouraged me from continuing to try that.

as far as organic relationships, i've had one friend who told me (while visiting after she moved away) that she liked me and that we had actually already gone on several dates that i didnt realize were dates. unfortunately, the distance has put a block on that relationship.

personally, i know if she had just told me from the start that she was interested romantically, i would've been open to it, but since its easier for me not to assume someone is flirting, i didnt know she liked me until she moved accross the country.

nobody is exactly like anyone else, but i would love it if someone just removed all the guesswork and told me directly that they like me.

and don't worry, i'm going to try to start working on getting better at sending and receiving signals.

hope that helps!

i'm 28, autistic male and never been physically intimate (funny, this is what i'm discussing with my psychologist at the moment)

my whole life i've kind of just assumed that people didnt like me romantically, which makes interactions easier for me to categorize and know how to react

i know it's not a great approach, but the anxiety around inexperience and my fear of misinterpreting signals is pretty strong!

i've tried online dating and got stood up multiple times by the people i set dates with, which has discouraged me from continuing to try that.

as far as organic relationships, i've had one friend who told me (while visiting after she moved away) that she liked me and that we had actually already gone on several dates that i didnt realize were dates. unfortunately, the distance has put a block on that relationship.

personally, i know if she had just told me from the start that she was interested romantically, i would've been open to it, but since its easier for me not to assume someone is flirting, i didnt know she liked me until she moved accross the country.

nobody is exactly like anyone else, but i would love it if someone just removed all the guesswork and told me directly that they like me.

and don't worry, i'm going to try to start working on getting better at sending and receiving signals.

hope that helps!

Thanks this really helped. He is here now but I don't have the guts to tell him how I feel. It's hard for us too! My advice to you don't assume that someone is not interested in you cuz they just might be! This guy I like most likely thinks I just like him as a friend which is not the case. I think I have been obvious but apparently not or he is too afraid to do anything. Hopefully I get the courage to be direct. I appreciate all the advice I have gotten from all of you