Confused and need advice

[Aryana]

You may have to make that first move, but he still has much more to gain than you have to lose. Hopefully he can somehow figure that out yes I know I'm going to have to make the first move he just won't do it. I am pretty sure he has feelings for me can't be 100%, however he's been so much time with me it's really funny how much he has changed because if I texted him he would respond much later or the next day and it would be like two words now he text me more in fact now he actually calls me and initiates calls which he never did so there's definitely a comfort level there. Anyways I will let you know what happens. And I have been the one to initiate pretty much everything we wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for me I'm the one who asked him to hang out for the first time which we ended up going for a hike and anytime we get together I am the one asking him to hang out. He has never asked me.

 

[Judge]

That "comfort level". That's what happens with friendships. Makes for a nice "foundation" if things blossom into something more. If anything that's why I don't date and prefer to just make friends.

 

[Aryana]

That "comfort level". That's what happens with friendships. Makes for a nice "foundation" if things blossom into something more. If anything that's why I don't date and prefer to just make friends.

So true!!

 

[AO1501]

yes I know I'm going to have to make the first move he just won't do it. I am pretty sure he has feelings for me can't be 100%, however he's been so much time with me it's really funny how much he has changed because if I texted him he would respond much later or the next day and it would be like two words now he text me more in fact now he actually calls me and initiates calls which he never did so there's definitely a comfort level there. Anyways I will let you know what happens. And I have been the one to initiate pretty much everything we wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for me I'm the one who asked him to hang out for the first time which we ended up going for a hike and anytime we get together I am the one asking him to hang out. He has never asked me.

It's almost certain he has feelings for you from your description of how he behaves and reacts around you. It's really a question not so much of that as to whether he knows it, or can tell what they mean. Lack of experience - his, I mean - is the enemy here, because he could be very uncertain, and even terrified. Not understanding what he wants or why is frustrating for you, but will likely be very confusing to him.

So much about relationships, even friendships, is unknown and even incomprehensible to us simply because it's about abstracts and non-verbal cues and communication. Add in the fact that many on the spectrum experience rejection rather than success in interrelationships with others and it does mean you'll almost certainly have to take the lead - and that its totally normal that he won't, or can't initiate anything. Yet, at least.

That means you'll have to lead, and hope he's on board. If he lacks responses to your suggestions and ideas, it doesn't necessarily mean he is rejecting them. It could be that moving your relationship along gives him a need to evaluate and get it straight in his head, and that once that happens, he'll be good with the next step, even if by your experience of others, it might not seem likely from his reactions.

From the time you've had and the background you've described, it sounds to me that he could be a very loyal and committed partner, but it could take a lot of time and patience to get him there, even if that's what he wants. Don't give too much of yourself away to make it happen, because not all compromise is good, but if you give him a clear understanding that he is who you want, his biggest problem may simply be trying to figure out and come to terms with why.

In the end, if you try and fail, it is still better than never having an answer.

 

[Aryana]

It's almost certain he has feelings for you from your description of how he behaves and reacts around you. It's really a question not so much of that as to whether he knows it, or can tell what they mean. Lack of experience - his, I mean - is the enemy here, because he could be very uncertain, and even terrified. Not understanding what he wants or why is frustrating for you, but will likely be very confusing to him.

So much about relationships, even friendships, is unknown and even incomprehensible to us simply because it's about abstracts and non-verbal cues and communication. Add in the fact that many on the spectrum experience rejection rather than success in interrelationships with others and it does mean you'll almost certainly have to take the lead - and that its totally normal that he won't, or can't initiate anything. Yet, at least.

That means you'll have to lead, and hope he's on board. If he lacks responses to your suggestions and ideas, it doesn't necessarily mean he is rejecting them. It could be that moving your relationship along gives him a need to evaluate and get it straight in his head, and that once that happens, he'll be good with the next step, even if by your experience of others, it might not seem likely from his reactions.

From the time you've had and the background you've described, it sounds to me that he could be a very loyal and committed partner, but it could take a lot of time and patience to get him there, even if that's what he wants. Don't give too much of yourself away to make it happen, because not all compromise is good, but if you give him a clear understanding that he is who you want, his biggest problem may simply be trying to figure out and come to terms with why.

In the end, if you try and fail, it is still better than never having an answer.

Aw I hope you are right and that he has feelings for me. I think he does because he does smile and blush a lot with me but he is also shy so that could just a natural reaction for him. He doesn't have that many friends those he has are pretty much musicians the commonality. However he doesn't hangout with them. Honestly the only person he really hangs out is with me which makes me feel good! I know I definitely need to take the risk and put it out there even if he rejects me at least I'll have my answer. I agree I do see him being a loyal partner. One thing I know is he is very honest. My only concern is if he doesn't feel same way I don't want it to ruin our friendship.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Aw I hope you are right and that he has feelings for me. I think he does because he does smile and blush a lot with me but he is also shy so that could just a natural reaction for him. He doesn't have that many friends those he has are pretty much musicians the commonality. However he doesn't hangout with them. Honestly the only person he really hangs out is with me which makes me feel good! I know I definitely need to take the risk and put it out there even if he rejects me at least I'll have my answer. I agree I do see him being a loyal partner. One thing I know is he is very honest. My only concern is if he doesn't feel same way I don't want it to ruin our friendship.

I don't know whether he has romantic feelings for you, but based on everything you have told us about your friend, telling him your feelings won't ruin your friendship. I am confident about it, despite being very indecisive and cautious for the most part.

 

[Aryana]

I don't know whether he has romantic feelings for you, but based on everything you have told us about your friend, telling him your feelings won't ruin your friendship. I am confident about it, despite being very indecisive and cautious for the most part.

Thanks that is the one thing I was worried about I don't want it to be awkward with us if he doesn't feel the same way.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Thanks that is the one thing I was worried about I don't want it to be awkward with us if he doesn't feel the same way.

It might be awkward, in fact it probably will be even if he does reciprocate, but some awkwardness is fine as long as you can both see the funny side of the situation. I've had people not contact me for months because they were afraid of making things awkward, but I never cared, and always wished they would have just talked.

As it stands, it seems like you are very close friends, and you and your children are the most important people in his life now. I can't imagine that he'll break off the friendship because of how great and attractive you find him, but I understand the anxiety. I had the same worries with my ex before we started together (which is why she initiated the relationship, not me) and your friend is likely dealing with similar thoughts. Though I think your anxiety is understandable, I don't think it's grounded in reality.

 

[Aryana]

I don't know whether he has romantic feelings for you, but based on everything you have told us about your friend, telling him your feelings won't ruin your friendship. I am confident about it, despite being very indecisive and cautious for the most part.

Thanks that is the one thing I was worried about I don't want it to be awkward with us if he doesn't feel the same way

It might be awkward, in fact it probably will be even if he does reciprocate, but some awkwardness is fine as long as you can both see the funny side of the situation. I've had people not contact me for months because they were afraid of making things awkward, but I never cared, and always wished they would have just talked.

As it stands, it seems like you are very close friends, and you and your children are the most important people in his life now. I can't imagine that he'll break off the friendship because of how great and attractive you find him, but I understand the anxiety. I had the same worries with my ex before we started together (which is why she initiated the relationship, not me) and your friend is likely dealing with similar thoughts. Though I think your anxiety is understandable, I don't think it's grounded in reality.

 

[Aryana]

Thanks that is the one thing I was worried about I don't want it to be awkward with us if he doesn't feel the same way

Were you glad she was the one who initiated the relationship?

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Were you glad she was the one who initiated the relationship?

Yes, I was. I felt like I was in nirvana and took a happy shower very soon afterwards. I genuinely had no clue she had feelings for me, and though I had a crush on her for months at that point, I knew I was never going to initiate the relationship or tell her my feelings as I felt like it was too risky.

 

[Aryana]

Yes, I was. I felt like I was in nirvana and took a happy shower very soon afterwards. I genuinely had no clue she had feelings for me, and though I had a crush on her for months at that point, I knew I was never going to initiate the relationship or tell her my feelings as I felt like it was too risky.

Really you had no clue that's where I get confused. So I asked him to come over for dinner knowing that my kids were having a sleepover at a friend's house. So if I had asked you to come over for dinner and it was just going to be you and me you would not realize I had feelings for you. I guess it's hard for me to understand how he doesn't realize I have feelings for him.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Really you had no clue that's where I get confused. So I asked him to come over for dinner knowing that my kids were having a sleepover at a friend's house. So if I had asked you to come over for dinner and it was just going to be you and me you would not realize I had feelings for you. I guess it's hard for me to understand how he doesn't realize I have feelings for him.

If she had invited me for dinner (we were in a long distance relationship so it wasn't really possible) I honestly don't think I would have realized anything. What it would have told me is that she enjoys my company, but enjoying my company doesn't automatically mean being in love with me. I've invited female friends over for both lunch and dinner without having anything romantic in mind.

Keep in mind what others have said. He has very little experience with relationships, and there isn't really a manual for us about how to recognize when someone is in love with you. I really do think @Rodafina's approach is the best one here. Just tell him. Either in person or through messages (if that's easier). I'm not sure anything would have "signalled" it to me short of letting me know straight out. My ex tried some signals before and I was completely oblivious to all of them (at most, they gave me an internal "that's weird" feeling).

 

[Aspychata]

Such great help here. You have a tough detective job because he may have never been intimate. So inviting him over to sleep on the couch, (great idea), gives you a shot at figuring this out. When it's time, the muffintops are in bed, you wear something cutesy, maybe have some popcorn, and ask if he wants to cuddle and watch a romcom, or a horror comedy and cuddle. Cuddle action is less threatening then hey, do you want to ?!?. If he only cuddles and doesn't go any farther, like kisses, etc., then you know more. He felt safe enough to trust you with the fact he hasn't had a girlfriend, that's a big confession. I am involved with a sweet man, and our relationship isn't based on intimacy, and he is just as much as a man to me, even though the other isn't there. So be open is all l can say. Hey, thanks for opening up about this, you are helping men here understand a female perspective, and l applaud you for your honesty.



Who say no to a cuddle date?

 

[AO1501]

Aw I hope you are right and that he has feelings for me. I think he does because he does smile and blush a lot with me but he is also shy so that could just a natural reaction for him. He doesn't have that many friends those he has are pretty much musicians the commonality. However he doesn't hangout with them. Honestly the only person he really hangs out is with me which makes me feel good! I know I definitely need to take the risk and put it out there even if he rejects me at least I'll have my answer. I agree I do see him being a loyal partner. One thing I know is he is very honest. My only concern is if he doesn't feel same way I don't want it to ruin our friendship.

People on the spectrum do have feelings, even though it can seem otherwise because we're typically very rational and don't express ourselves much. But the lack of friends is typical, and with an apparent lack of experience too, I find it very easy to see why he's shy, and very reticent.

He needs to build some confidence, and part of that may well be in knowing that you're not going to run away or dump him if he shows any signs of commitment, since this is quite likely to be characteristic of his interpersonal relationships so far.

Really you had no clue that's where I get confused. So I asked him to come over for dinner knowing that my kids were having a sleepover at a friend's house. So if I had asked you to come over for dinner and it was just going to be you and me you would not realize I had feelings for you. I guess it's hard for me to understand how he doesn't realize I have feelings for him.

This is a perfect example of how perceptions can differ a great deal. Personally, no, I wouldn't have a clue because I know there are such things as feelings, but I don't know how to recognize them or translate them into the things I am familiar with. Think of it as a difference in language, where you speak English and he speaks Japanese. You can't communicate across that divide by any means you're familiar with, and neither can he, so slowly the pair of you might learn to point and gesture in a way the other could understand, but it takes a long time to establish a certainty that even this works.

In this instance, you can't forget the fact that he very likely has no means to infer anything, however obvious it is to you what you mean. So your life experience of communicating feelings, your hopes and thoughts in ways others can infer, simply doesn't work. Not only is he likely to be unable to draw inferences anyway, but as has been said, his life experiences may be so negative in terms of interpersonal relationships, that even if he sees what he thinks might be clues, he's too scared of being wrong (because he can't tell for sure) so he won't act on them for fear of being made foolish or being rejected.

Clarity in your communication with him is your friend, even if it means having to learn how to vocalize your feelings when otherwise you have never had to before. And the thing is, that he can't meet you half way with this. The irony is that it's only when actually in a relationship that he may have the time and opportunity to learn to interpret you to some degree.

I know that if you invited me over when the kids were having a sleepover elsewhere, I would know only that I was being invited over and the kids were having a sleepover elsewhere. When I got tired, I would expect to have to go home to sleep, because that's where I always go in order to sleep. Even if you were wearing something meant to attract me, I'd think it was just the next item in the pile of things to be worn. I would, quite literally, have no clue other than the observable facts.

To give an example, some years ago when I was visiting my girlfriend, with whom there had previously been lots of conversations, but nothing more, she asked me if I 'wanted to go upstairs'. I couldn't see any reason why I would want to, because downstairs seemed perfectly good enough. It wasn't until she almost pulled me upstairs, so I knew for some reason she wanted to be there rather than here, that I followed her. Even then, it was only when she started undressing that I realized I was not just someone she liked talking to.

Thinking back now, I must have been exasperating, and seemed almost deliberately difficult, but I'd had relationships before and still didn't get the clues. BTW, we're now married, so perseverance does work.

 

[Judge]

I was worried about I don't want it to be awkward with us if he doesn't feel the same way

Realistically I suspect what you have to be concerned with is more a matter of mutual awkwardness than rejection. At his age and lack of experience, it's quite conceivable that he has utterly no experience at rejecting much of anyone because the opportunity probably never came up.

Which brings up another thing to consider. Before committing to telling him how you feel, you could always bring up the subject of relationships in a nebulous matter and at some point simply ask him if he's ever rejected anyone before. He may just laugh or lament that no one has ever approached him to begin with. This way it may guide you in terms of how you want to approach him in telling him how you really feel.

In real time that "awkwardness" may be the biggest obstacle to overcome between the two of you. But that you have the momentum of experience, which he doesn't. But being in control in this instance could well be what works the most in your favor. Provided of course you take charge and ignore traditional gender roles and expectations.