Confused and need advice

[Aryana]

As someone with Asperger's myself, he probably is afraid to say no about hanging out, but he doesn't want to lose the connection. It's a double-edged sword.

Thanks so hard to tell with him. I know he enjoys hanging out with me. I will tell him it's getting late and he should go but he makes excuses to stay !!

 

[Aryana]

Yes, for us actions do speak louder than words. It seems he is into you. I was shy and very rejection sensitive, and it took me a lot of work on myself to be able to have agency, advocating for myself. Remain accepting of him, and learn how to communicate directly and unambiguously. When I met my spouse it was an exceptional occurrence, an intense four day road trip going to a Sierra Club project. She was so accepting that I was falling for her. Finally I went way past my comfort level and professed to her. My mind instantly panicked because I had never expressed such to a woman. She patiently and kindly assuaged my anxiety by explaining that we were taking our friendship to a new level.

In dealing with a shy guy (and I was one) I point women towards an excellent article; Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com . But understand, that his communication style/passivity, may be something that he will not change.

Thanks so much for the advice. I will definitely check out that article. Yes he is extremely shy but much better with me now. I don't want to change him I like him for who he is. He has a lot of quirks and is pretty eccentric but I like that about him!! I have been very patient it's been 3 yrs now. I need to some how show him I like him without scaring him ugh!

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Maybe a greeting card? Autism is a spectrum and people present differently. Some are simply not sexual people. Some are basically very shy. Some have alot of internal stuff going on.

You coukd just ask him, but methinks that couples therapy is going to be happening soon. Its valuable.

 

[Rodafina]

Just go with clarity and brevity. Then at least you will know.

 

[Aryana]

Thanks I'll try

Just go with clarity and brevity. Then at least you will know.

 

[Aryana]

Maybe a greeting card? Autism is a spectrum and people present differently. Some are simply not sexual people. Some are basically very shy. Some have alot of internal stuff going on.

You coukd just ask him, but methinks that couples therapy is going to be happening soon. Its valuable.

I am trying to figure that out. He is very shy . He maybe asexual I don't know. All I know is that he never had a girlfriend.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Well he must be pretty special to you. Poetry is good. Its a special language. Reciting a poem is kind of hard but even reading it aloud can still be pleasant.

 

[Rodafina]

Well he must be pretty special to you. Poetry is good. Its a special language. Reciting a poem is kind of hard but even reading it aloud can still be pleasant.

I would get confused if someone read me a poem. I would need someone to just say, “I like you.”

But we are each different. Not trying to crap on your idea.

 

[Rodafina]

I need to some how show him I like him without scaring him ugh!

How about, “I really like you, but I don’t want to scare you.”

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Well me too. Just be very very direct. Poetry is like another language. So as its unfamiliar....i have lots of theories about ab psych issues, one is that emotions are learned behavior.

So discussing poetry can open up the door perhaps. To talking about feelings generally.

 

[Aryana]

How about, “I really like you, but I don’t want to scare you.”

Maybe

 

[Prometheus]

Pose it as an hypothetical, detached scenario, involving other people, "Like what do you think of..." "so and so did this.." [insert any romantic, relations stuff here] Gauge their opinion. If they respond negatively, joke it off. If they respond favorable, proceed to shift yourself, into the conversation. I mean, that's what I would do...but what do I know. If that makes any sense.

 

[Rodafina]

one is that emotions are learned behavior.

Agreed.

 

[Aryana]

Pose it as an hypothetical, detached scenario, involving other people, "Like what do you think of..." "so and so did this.." [insert any romantic, relations stuff here] Gauge their opinion. If they respond negatively, joke it off. If they respond favorable, proceed to shift yourself, into the conversation. I mean, that's what I would do...but what do I know. If that makes any sense.

Thanks for your input greatly appreciated

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Agreed.

Really? Thats a happy thought. I thought i was just noodling around again. It really does seem that the training between say 18 months and about ten years old determines alot of the emotive bias.

The issue is with people who have been pushed around alot is they dont ever open up, like not to anyone. And when we do we get labled for it as soon as you find out how different we are.
This one was impossible to explain to a NT person i was involved with. When you ask me if i am ok or say whats wrong, that can be a trigger!!??

Some part of me is leaping to the idea that i am being accused of poor behavior.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Pose it as an hypothetical, detached scenario, involving other people, "Like what do you think of..." "so and so did this.." [insert any romantic, relations stuff here] Gauge their opinion. If they respond negatively, joke it off. If they respond favorable, proceed to shift yourself, into the conversation. I mean, that's what I would do...but what do I know. If that makes any sense.

I feel like this is a teensy bit risky, as I know I might respond quite differently to a hypothetical scenario I know I'm not a part of than I would to a person telling me they are attracted to me.

My ex tried something similar before we started together. She mentioned how she was dating this guy, and though he seemed nice and all, there was something missing, and asked if she should still see him. As I had a crush on her (we had been friends for over a year at that point), I didn't want my feelings to cloud my judgement, and so told her basically to do what she wanted, but inside, I now felt certain my love would not be reciprocated as she was openly talking with me about dating other people and asking for advice on it.

It wasn't till long after we got together that she told me this was meant to show her interest in me (one of many failed gambits), and she was hoping I would say something about her dating the other guy and admit my feelings, but it had the opposite effect. It wasn't till a week or so later when she outright told me "I like you more than I should" that we started together (and even then, I was unclear and confusing in my messaging for the first few days).

I second @Rodafina's suggestion. Honestly, that sentence seems close to perfect. Short, honest, to the point and little room for misunderstanding.

 

[Rodafina]

Really? Thats a happy thought. I thought i was just noodling around again. It really does seem that the training between say 18 months and about ten years old determines alot of the emotive bias.

Yes, really. I agree and I think one can continue to learn these things even past the formative years. The human mind is extremely capable of learning new things and continues to be adaptable if we are open to it.

The issue is with people who have been pushed around alot is they dont ever open up, like not to anyone. And when we do we get labled for it as soon as you find out how different we are.
This one was impossible to explain to a NT person i was involved with. When you ask me if i am ok or say whats wrong, that can be a trigger!!??

My least favorite questions! This gets me so confounded, and then annoyed, and then mistrustful.

Some part of me is leaping to the idea that i am being accused of poor behavior.

Yes. I am working on not doing this, but I do it all the time.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

What I've learned is that this type of thinking is a conditioned response. Somewhere along the way i became conditioned to expect criticism and rejection. So conditioning can be overcome so long as i confront it. There is a pretty ugly pit on the middle of that thing.

What if all my behavior is based on conditioning and all my beliefs are just indoctrination? Fancy talk for that is existential crisis, or "who am i?!"

Who i am under the mask is about values, character and intent. NT expressions of concern are intended to provoke disclosure and promote intimacy, some of it seems to be for vettment

 

[Aryana]

Well me too. Just be very very direct. Poetry is like another language. So as its unfamiliar....i have lots of theories about ab psych issues, one is that emotions are learned behavior.

So discussing poetry can open up the door perhaps. To talking about feelings generally.

Thanks!!

Well me too. Just be very very direct. Poetry is like another language. So as its unfamiliar....i have lots of theories about ab psych issues, one is that emotions are learned behavior.

So discussing poetry can open up the door perhaps. To talking about feelings generally.

Yes, really. I agree and I think one can continue to learn these things even past the formative years. The human mind is extremely capable of learning new things and continues to be adaptable if we are open to it.


My least favorite questions! This gets me so confounded, and then annoyed, and then mistrustful.


Yes. I am working on not doing this, but I do it all the times.

Yes try not to. Misinterpret are you ok or what's wrong. When ask that it just means we are concerned that something bad might of happened that you are upset about. You know how many times I have been asked that lol.

 

[Aryana]

So I was with him last night and couldn't get the courage to tell him if I can't say it in person. Is it bad to text him or write him a note that I like him any thoughts? Or better in person