Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[Owliet]

Tinder. Get the Thumb sore but carry on swiping

It’s quite sad that we’ve shifted focus on where to meet potential partners onto social dating platforms like tinder but you do have a good point. It’s where everyone is at, although you do have to be careful of those who are just looking for sex and not a meaningful relationship. One of my old friends from university discovered this herself, and dated some ginger guy who used her for sex on the first meet up. She had a pregnancy scare too and they had to go to the doctors but afterwards, she did not hear from him again.

Isn't dating just a way to get to know someone? You meet someone interesting, you go out on dates and eat dinner, watch a movie or go sky diving or whatever. To spend time with that person and get to know her or him. So "dating" is short for "spending time with someone and getting to know them". So that's what Markness wants, meet someone and get to know them. It would be a little weird to meet someone and immediately start a relationship and then get to know them later.

Courtship and dating are pretty much the same thing too, it’s just without the parental influence in dating. In other cultures, people will meet another person with the understanding they are in an arrangement and have to start a marriage With the hope that they. May like each other at some point. We see this throughout history too, but it Is mainly for those who are higher classes.

My point is that the modern “get to know” step automatically includes sex, unless you are both from a strict religion and make it explicit in the beginning. And it’s a tiny majority of people that abstain from sex.

People used to get married without this extra sex step — they will get to know each other through family and friends. This step may takes years, depending, but it would still be there.

Modern dating steps aren’t too dissimilar to how relationships could be formed, if you look at the ancient Egyptians for example, who had a much more freer society, with the exception of the elites, there are some texts that point to an acceptance that sexual intercourse could have before marriage. It Was only adultery (of the woman) that was frowned upon (Often tied to the stake at the front of her house and burnt). A lot of unmarried women and men were allowed to have sexual relations without being married. It Is only certain religions that restrict the right of women and have done so throughout most history periods. As for courtships, it was very rare for a young girl from high class to marry someone who she had known for years through family and friends. Most of these arrangements were made between the patriarchal side for arrangements like land, money, security, alliances etc. Most girls never had a say in who they married, and some only ever met their husbands during the consumation phase (not even the actual marriage, they could have a stand in for him). In short, you cannot put one box for human courtship behaviors when it is so complex.

I'm in Norway so we know nothing about religion, steps or waiting. We just meet people and sometimes you meet the right one and people start serious relationships and get married and have kids. Everything is pretty laid-back and simple.

Aren’t you a viking — don’t you just do a raid and carry them off In one hand and another with your loot? =D


@Markness : Unfortunately, there is never really a true manual for friendships and relationships. I guess sometimes you just have to keep repeating attempts until you hook a fish.

Although I have to admit, the idea of some people finding a wife in a different country (like a vulnerable third world one) with a huge age gap is always concerning Because most of these girls are selected because they don’t have any choice due to poverty or other factors . It’s a form of sexual slavery And exploitation.

 

[Owliet]

I don't know what Tinder is elsewhere, but here it started as a dating app. And then a week later it had turned into a sex app. That's a little crazy. There are many jokes here now about that. I would not use Tinder, never tried it.

It is pretty much the same here. We are becoming a society that thinks that causal sex = dating. Then we wonder why long term relationships cant be formed. My cousin met some guy on a drinking night out, ended up pregnant, had the child and went over to join Dubai. They had to have a rushed marriage too..with very little in common and now is back with her mom (my aunt) because it’s not working out.

i have used Tinder once, and I dont think I will again. It was too shallow, and just focus on ”getting laid”.

 

[Shaddock]

IMO love means "unconditional love", so "real love", when people just like each other.

but nowadays I have more the feeling that you have to write an application letter, have to pass a job... umm love interview and after giving out 50000000 informations you maybe pass or pass not.

there are conditions, without them you´re not "allowed" to have a girlfriend. unconditional love? ILLEGAL!!!!!!!!

- you need a job (best with much money)
- you need an apartment (best big)
- you need 500 friends
- you need to be a supermodel
- you need to have 500 hobbies, best are luxury and special hobbies

I have the feeling that it´s nearly impossible to get a girlfriend. the only possibility is to just live your life and to have the luck to find someone who really likes you, no matter about conditions. but I don´t think that dating or these apps really work for most people.

I wouldn´t concentrate on dating in general. I would just do EVERYTHING ELSE and then some day you find someone randomly. maybe someone from school, work, studies or education.

I have the feeling that many people don´t get to know people even-handed. they say "here, this is my list of 500 criteria, when you not fit every criteria, then we don´t even have to talk one word."

I also think that many people focus too much on the look of someone and too less on his/her character and afterwards they cry and wonder why the best looking person is not automatically the friendliest person.

and I find that really sad, because I think the best is to just talk even-handed and to just get involved with someone. but I think that all these apps and dating websites destroy that. and I think people are mostly not able anymore to talk with other people even-handed.

I think dating is made to make you depressed and desperate. I think that not jumping on the train and to just live your life without thinking about it all or mostly is the most healthiest.

 

[Shaddock]

love is a business nowadays. companies want that you´re depressed and lonely, because then they can milk you like a cash cow. you´re always running behind that because you want to find someone and companies can make money and sell your data.

I heard that most people find their love not online, but in real life in school, work and so on. or through friends, because friends could pair people off with each other. or sometimes friendships can develop into a relationship, but you shouldn´t make friendships with that intention IMO.

apps like tinder are only usable, when you look very very good, especially as man. and it´s more like shopping clothes and not like really getting to know somebody. people are reduced to their look. it´s more a meat inspection, where you can buy and sell meat.

 

[Owliet]

no matter about conditions. but I don´t think that dating or these apps really work for most people.

I think that’s the point. Although in the few cases it is a good way to meet people (my uncle is a good example of this with his wife). It’s like random chance. But so is going to a club, bar, cafe, additional activities.

I would just do EVERYTHING ELSE and then some day you find someone randomly. maybe someone from school, work, studies or education.

Or in clubs or other places like that.=)

they say "here, this is my list of 500 criteria, when you not fit every criteria, then we don´t even have to talk one word."

Tinder and other dating sites have totally wrecked this. Some of the criteria is very laughable too: omg you aren’t a Capricorn but they could be the best person ever. Some people are just weird. But then isn’t that a lucky escape? I had one when I did use Tinder for like a day, do this checklist for me. The only thing she said no on, which was apparently a deal breaker, was that I Didn’t drink during brunch.

I also think that many people focus too much on the look of someone and too less on his/her character and afterwards they cry and wonder why the best looking person is not automatically the friendliest person.

Quite a few people are superficial. They think good looks = a good personality. Or they are highly shallow and think good looks + good body = best relationship. It’s very interesting how this goes. I think social media and other forms of media (high fashion magazines etc) have really influenced this negatively. Just like how porn has made many men, boys and girls think that certain acts equate to consent and aren’t violence. =/

 

[velociraptor]

- you need a job (best with much money)
- you need an apartment (best big)
- you need 500 friends
- you need to be a supermodel
- you need to have 500 hobbies, best are luxury and special hobbies

I had a job when I met my wife, but it was far from big money.

I lived in a room and board situation. When my wife asked about it I pointed out that, a) it was good enough for Sherlock Holmes, and b) I spent so little time in my home that I didn't see the point of overspending on something that I didn't need.

I've only ever had a very small group of friends. I'm very selective.

I'm only a supermodel for companies that sell plus-sized clothing.

My hobbies aren't luxury. I like walking outdoors, I like to cook and bake, I like to read, and I'm seriously into photography (I'm very proficient at this point).

Been married for nearly 23 years. We have the occasional rough patch, but it's been a good journey. She's a rather patient NT. If I can find a wife, anyone can. I'm a bit of a putz.

 

[Aspychata]

I had a job when I met my wife, but it was far from big money.

I lived in a room and board situation. When my wife asked about it I pointed out that, a) it was good enough for Sherlock Holmes, and b) I spent so little time in my home that I didn't see the point of overspending on something that I didn't need.

I've only ever had a very small group of friends. I'm very selective.

I'm only a supermodel for companies that sell plus-sized clothing.

My hobbies aren't luxury. I like walking outdoors, I like to cook and bake, I like to read, and I'm seriously into photography (I'm very proficient at this point).

Been married for nearly 23 years. We have the occasional rough patch, but it's been a good journey. She's a rather patient NT. If I can find a wife, anyone can. I'm a bit of a putz.

That's so cute. My friend told me l was bit of a clown. I was thinking, boy this guy nailed it right on the head. I am a total clown.

 

[Ms Muffinz]

In short, you cannot put one box for human courtship behaviors when it is so complex.

What you are saying is right, literally. Except you are referencing two separate cases (non elites in Egypt and elites in Europe), to refute two separate parts of what I said. It is partly my fault since I was too vague.

I don’t know if the culture of ancient Egypt is relevant to discussing modern day dating in (what I am guessing is) mostly western people on this site (it is an English website - it’s a reasonable assumption to make). And OP is from America.
The behavior in Europe is likely to matter more.

I hope you understand where I am coming from. I’m not even taking about dating at this point.
It is easy to choose one culture, in some point in time, to use as proof that such and such style existed, and therefore is valid. But we need to take into consideration the relevance, and continuity, and cultural threads in the background. People don’t exist in a vacuum, and cultures don’t exist in a vacuum.
I’m really not trolling. I don’t know how to phrase this, but I hope you will understand.

 

[velociraptor]

I am a total clown.

Meh. Let's reframe that to say you have an interesting and robust personality.

 

[Owliet]

What you are saying is right, literally. Except you are referencing two separate cases (non elites in Egypt and elites in Europe),

I am very well aware of the two examples that I used. I specifically said that with the exception of the elites, and for the European medieval model of relationship approaches to have courtship but not often because of any adoration or want. It was 2 examples to show that human interactions towards relationships vary even across time and space (across a chronological history of humanity).

I don’t know if the culture of ancient Egypt is relevant to discussing modern day dating in (what I am guessing is) mostly western people on this site (it is an English website - it’s a reasonable assumption to make). And OP is from America.
The behavior in Europe is likely to matter more.

I used history in response to your “modern day extra steps” argument that include sex before marriage to point out that the concept is NOT a new thing, there are lots of examples throughout human history to show that this not new. Depending on the culture and social expectations of the time period it was not always a “People used to get married without this extra sex step”. That is all.

I am fully aware that this is a “English website” forum (whatever that means And why would that be relevant?). and that Markness is from the USA as I have been here for almost 2 years.=) But also, wouldn’t the behavior of the dating culture in the US matter more than a European one? Although, from what Markness has mentioned previously about his state’s culture, it’s quite a challenging situation.

I am a total clown

Aren’t we all?=)

 

[Allen H]

Isn't dating just a way to get to know someone? You meet someone interesting, you go out on dates and eat dinner, watch a movie or go sky diving or whatever. To spend time with that person and get to know her or him. So "dating" is short for "spending time with someone and getting to know them". So that's what Markness wants, meet someone and get to know them. It would be a little weird to meet someone and immediately start a relationship and then get to know them later.

Dating is one way to get to know someone, but it can be a very difficult path to follow if you are an Aspie with limited socialization skills. For many of us with this handicap, it is much easier to communicate in writing than verbally. When interacting via the written word there is time to formulate your thoughts and get them into a presentable order with no pressure to respond to the immediate moment. Also, the inability to pick up on social cues like body language, tone of voice, etc. doesn't come into play with written communication. When I realized all of this I took the approach I outlined above, by finding someone looking for a pen pal. Perhaps the OP might want to at least consider trying this means of getting to know someone with a view to a possible marital relationship developing.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

the best is to just talk even-handed and to just get involved with someone. but I think that all these apps and dating websites destroy that

Amen, Brother! Apps like Tinder train people to be superficial. I met my spouse in a very old fashioned way . . . I called her to see if she wanted to ride share to a trail maintenance trip, and 300 miles apart we had to manage logistics by good old analog phone. We were friends before meeting IRL.

 

[velociraptor]

Amen, Brother! Apps like Tinder train people to be superficial. I met my spouse in a very old fashioned way . . . I called her to see if she wanted to ride share to a trail maintenance trip, and 300 miles apart we had to manage logistics by good old analog phone. We were friends before meeting IRL.

Volunteer work. Great way to meet people who care about other people. Some of them will be of the opposite gender and also single. You're already starting out with a shared interest when you meet them, so that's something to build on.

 

[VictorR]

love is a business nowadays. companies want that you´re depressed and lonely, because then they can milk you like a cash cow. you´re always running behind that because you want to find someone and companies can make money and sell your data.

I've read some suggestions that many dating companies / websites have passed their peak in terms of getting you a match.

It goes something like this:

* A business start-up has investors put money in.
* They create a product (dating site) and try to attract as large a user base as they can. During the early phases, they may give freebies and/or give incentives to join, stay, or regularly interact.
* The business looks good and more investors join in.
* The business improves its business (e.g. for a dating site, better matching algorithms) and starts charging for things, initially at modest prices.
* The business looks good and more investors join in, in addition to customers who are attracted by the features and success of past happy customers.
* The company adds more "bells and whistles" (premium products / features)
* The company becomes mature and is doing well.
* The company goes public and/or sells out so that the investors can collect their money
* The new owner(s) want to milk the cash cow

And so if you're a dating company, your product are the people using your website/app. You're selling them to each other. A successful match means you just lost two customers. So you don't want to set people up with good matches quickly since you'll lose them. Of course, if you drag things out too long, customers will give up. So what do you do? Try to drag out subscriptions and participation by making a bunch of bad matches, but with enough okay and the occasional good match to give enough hope that customers will continue to pay to play.

 

[Shaddock]

And so if you're a dating company, your product are the people using your website/app. You're selling them to each other. A successful match means you just lost two customers. So you don't want to set people up with good matches quickly since you'll lose them.

I find it morally reprehensible to use the loneliness and craving from people for togetherness to make money.

when they say that they make it easier, then they lie. people in the past also found their love without internet and online-websites or tinder. maybe it was even easier in the past to find a partner.

also I don´t want that a company/algorithm decides who is the best for me and decides for the other person if I fit to her or not. and that such app fades out you when you not do what the algorithm wants feels like manipulation for me. and I don´t want that my "love life/dating" is manipulated by an algorithm.

this feels really disgusting.

you forgot that their 2nd business is to gather data and to sell it. the data which they "need" to match people.

in normal dates there is no middleman. you just have a date with someone and both people on their own decide and share data.

but it´s harder to have normal dates, because many people are like "ok, normal dates are out or ineffective, so I will only use online-dating/tinder" and so you can not really date this people in real life. and even when you meet someone in real life they would often say "what is your instagram (name)? what is your tiktok (name)?"

even when meeting someone in person, you need to go to an online website, instead of just chatting in person.

weird.

I understand number sharing, but I tbh only write short messages to make appointments or short small-talk, but I tend to discuss everything in person.

I think when in love cases and dating, when there is money in it, then there is something wrong. love has nothing to do with money. at least what I understand under love.

 

[velociraptor]

I think when in love cases and dating, when there is money in it, then there is something wrong. love has nothing to do with money

The services do need to cover their expenses and pay staff, etc. I don't see a problem with them making some $$$ so long as they're providing good service for a good value. I don't think they should lead people on to keep them on the service, but if they're providing good matchines in a timely manner then yay for them.

 

[Slime_Punk]

- you need a job (best with much money)
- you need an apartment (best big)
- you need 500 friends
- you need to be a supermodel
- you need to have 500 hobbies, best are luxury and special hobbies

I think this applies to guys who try to date women mostly based on looks. Anyone with loads of opportunities is bound to become picky at some point, regardless of gender or orientation. I'm really lucky that I have an 'alternative' taste, so I g(e / o)t to dodge all of that superficial garbage.

I mean, I'm married now, but that's how it was for me in the past as least

 

[Markness]

I think this applies to guys who try to date women mostly based on looks. Anyone with loads of opportunities is bound to become picky at some point, regardless of gender or orientation. I'm really lucky that I have an 'alternative' taste, so I g(e / o)t to dodge all of that superficial garbage.

I mean, I'm married now, but that's how it was for me in the past as least

I have ‘alternative’ tastes as well. It’s just when I encounter women with the same tastes, they tend to already have boyfriends/husbands.

 

[Gerontius]

I have ‘alternative’ tastes as well. It’s just when I encounter women with the same tastes, they tend to already have boyfriends/husbands.

This means they're considered pretty by the rest of society too. Congratulations, you have good tastes. Now to tell yourself "I am GOING to pursue a woman with the devotion & passion I put into metal, comic books, creative writing & all the other things I like. I am GOING to give myself permission to try, even if that means permission to fail."
Then go look.
Either that, or, give yourself permission to be happy, and it may matter less whether you stay single or not--The option you choose that works best, is the best option.

 

[Markness]

This means they're considered pretty by the rest of society too. Congratulations, you have good tastes. Now to tell yourself "I am GOING to pursue a woman with the devotion & passion I put into metal, comic books, creative writing & all the other things I like. I am GOING to give myself permission to try, even if that means permission to fail."
Then go look.
Either that, or, give yourself permission to be happy, and it may matter less whether you stay single or not--The option you choose that works best, is the best option.

I’ve actually been given flack for wanting an “alternative girlfriend” and one dolt thought it meant I wasn’t open to interracial dating. That’s just braindead.