Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[Tony Ramirez]

I really wish today wasn’t Valentine’s Day.

I hate Valentines day.

Never got a valentine from a girl or been in a relationship on valentine day.

 

[paloftoon]

If you want there to be less pressure on you and the other person for you to have a girlfriend, maybe consider being open to casual encounters. With casual encounters, people generally won't care about where you are in your life. You and the other person can "test the waters" out and enjoy each other physically temporarily. It's recommended your practice safe (condoms) and be able to determine beforehand what you are okay with and what you aren't.
Casual encounters comes with the understanding that you can consider trying to date other people at the same time.

If you aren't sure, ask and make this as clear as you can. Don't be overly repetitive about it because that can be a turn off in itself too.

A big con is that if you get too emotionally attached to the other person and the other person doesn't feel the same way, this could be an emotional rollercoaster to hell.

Are there any autism related social groups or that you or your family could help you travel to? Maybe you can find someone compatible in a similar situation to you of the opposite sex.

 

[Markness]

If you want there to be less pressure on you and the other person for you to have a girlfriend, maybe consider being open to casual encounters. With casual encounters, people generally won't care about where you are in your life. You and the other person can "test the waters" out and enjoy each other physically temporarily. It's recommended your practice safe (condoms) and be able to determine beforehand what you are okay with and what you aren't.
Casual encounters comes with the understanding that you can consider trying to date other people at the same time.

If you aren't sure, ask and make this as clear as you can. Don't be overly repetitive about it because that can be a turn off in itself too.

A big con is that if you get too emotionally attached to the other person and the other person doesn't feel the same way, this could be an emotional rollercoaster to hell.

Are there any autism related social groups or that you or your family could help you travel to? Maybe you can find someone compatible in a similar situation to you of the opposite sex.

That just doesn’t happen for me. I’ve engaged with people in “seedy” settings and no one has offered sex to me.

I used to be part of an autism support group that’s no longer functioning. Aside from one short lived romantic relationship, things were unproductive in that regard. I’ve attended another autism support group in Austin two times and both times were disappointing.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Aside from one short lived romantic relationship, things were unproductive in that regard.

I never had a romantic relationship in my life. I might have blown two possibility back at the start of the century.

 

[blue_bird]

Not having a relationship is more common than one would think. I have never been in one myself and I know of another guy who stays in the same street as me, who is the same.

He got disfigured as a result of a shooting and has never gotten married but his siblings are all married.

I have my own list of issues but my biggest issue is my own lack of self worth. I always wish a woman would kind of realise that and make the first move but that's never happened either because they're not comfortable doing so, which I completely understand, or there's nothing about me which would gravitate them to me, to make the first move anyway.

So yeah it is a bit disheartening, especially as I get older. Sometimes I think some guys have what it takes and others don't. Maybe I'm part of the 'others don't' category. I'm not saying you should think the same way, but for me I have kinda given up.

I know it must be frustrating. I wish had some advice, but most of the advice you've already got is pretty good already.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't consider myself ugly. My picture is on Instagram signature. Maybe not great looking but I spotted guys on YouTube channels uglier than me get a wife. Also I have to stop thinking that all women hate me when it's not true.

 

[Markness]

Well, ask out one girl a week. Try one date per week. You have to make a move though.

And yet many here have said I shouldn’t even put myself out there until I am no longer depressed.

 

[Gerontius]

And yet many here have said I shouldn’t even put myself out there until I am no longer depressed.

That's just their opinion. Why does that have to mean so much?

If you want to go look for someone, try.

 

[Lysholm]

I didn't read this whole thread - and I'm not going to. But, I'mma leave my observations anyway.

Whether NT or ND, relationships and pair-bonding are almost purely a social activity. This is easily lost on dudes that never experience success in dating because they begin to look only for logic. It starts inwardly, trying to diagnose exactly why they "aren't worthy" or the like. This inward approach leads to excessive focus on the self, making the individual functionally self-centered even if their goal is to please someone else. Eventually, this logic seeking turns outward and the entirety of mate seeking becomes an algorithm orbiting around the guy's needs.

This isn't an indictment of your character, nor is it saying your logic is fallacious. However, the gestalt of thoughts and experiences that is your intuition is untrustworthy in this matter. You will have to learn a new way of approaching dating. It can be overwhelming and scary, but the only thing you have to lose is this situation that you hate anyhow.

 

[Markness]

That's just their opinion. Why does that have to mean so much?

If you want to go look for someone, try.

I haven’t been able to prove them wrong and they double down whenever I say anything.

 

[tree]

Focusing on *proving others wrong* puts the emphasis on what others think.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

And yet many here have said I shouldn’t even put myself out there until I am no longer depressed.

They sound like my married friend. He keeps saying I am not ready. The way he sounds is I have to fix all my phobias and obsessions so according to him I will never be ready and die alone.

 

[Lysholm]

I did end up reading some of this thread.

- and no one has offered sex to me.

I understand this statement has context, but merely putting those words together in that order says a lot about your expectations and how you believe intimate exchanges work.

Just to be clear I don't think your desires or intentions are immoral.

So, the basic premise at work here appears to be: "I just want to find someone who wants to share bodily pleasures with me for a bit, hopefully longer" A simple, straightforward, rational statement that has zero utility IRL. Women do not work this way. Even if a woman just wants sex, there are social expectations that must be met first. Namely trust, which essentially means you need to project a social "character" that she recognizes and feels comfortable enough with to allow herself to be vulnerable in that way. This "character" needs to be one she has had positive, previous experiences with, and there is no cheat-sheet for this. You have to get to know each other at least a little bit, and you cannot pass through this essential part if you're obsessed with the end result. (That end result being either validation as a worthy person or simply ejaculation, doesn't matter.)

While this may feel dishonest and manipulative, the idea is that you will behave in a manner compatible with her comfort zone during your time together - trust is you holding up your end of this performance. All social relationships follow this basic rubric.

Of note is not every person has the same minimum requirements to engage in (insert social activity here). Some women are willing to engage in sex after twenty minutes at a bar, but many are not. And this depends upon the person's state of mind, phase of life, mood, yada yada.

IMO, your first step will be to stop focusing on what you want. I know it's hard if it's the only drive you have to even venture outside, but it's hurting you more than it's helping. Once you stop focusing on sex you will have the bandwidth to really pay attention to what others need from you, only then can the social exchanges begin in good faith. This is the first step to success, all other paths lead nowhere.

 

[Markness]

@Lysholm No, that is not what my thoughts are. My thoughts are more like “Oh, I’ve met someone who has common interests with me! Could she become a friend or a potential girlfriend? What should I say or do?”

It really tears me apart because I am 34 and have developed torchlusspanik since I am not getting any younger. It hurts how I’ve fallen behind so far and I keep seeing my siblings continue to outpace me.

 

[tree]

My thoughts are more like “Oh, I’ve met someone who has common interests with me! Could she become a friend or a potential girlfriend? What should I say or do?”

That seems like a lot to put on a chance meeting.

Wouldn't the weight be lighter if you thought,
*Hey this person seems ok. Maybe I'll see them again*
instead fast forwarding into girlfriend land?

I, for one, wish you had not discovered the word "tochlusspanik."
Couple reasons.

Most people reading your posts aren't familiar with it and they
either are confused, skip over it, have to look it up, or I provide
a definition.

The other reason I wish you'd never seen the word is it allows
you to feel as if it weren't possible to change your thoughts
and feelings.

You did say you'd developed Torschlusspanik - Wiktionary

You do realize it's your own thoughts giving you the panicked feeling, right?
Not that it's a condition which has settled on you and over which you
have no control?

https://leplusbeauvoyage.com/en/warding-off-torschlusspanik/

 

[Lysholm]

@Lysholm No, that is not what my thoughts are. My thoughts are more like “Oh, I’ve met someone who has common interests with me! Could she become a friend or a potential girlfriend? What should I say or do?”

It really tears me apart because I am 34 and have developed torchlusspanik since I am not getting any younger. It hurts how I’ve fallen behind so far and I keep seeing my siblings continue to outpace me.

What I wrote covers a broad range of unconscious motivations. So, for you to wave those things away so quickly and casually leaves me suspicious it's a coping mechanism wherein you summarily reject everything that could spark some hope in your life. Hope can be a terrible feeling when all it has done in the past is waste time, resources, and feels like fate is just trolling you. I'm going to stop pushing you to confront things because, where you're at mentally, there's nothing external influences can do. At some point in the future you won't be in such a state, so I want you to reread everyone's advice in this thread when your future self is in a position where you can hope.

A word of caution: you may feel as though all of this effort you're putting into these types of threads is somehow working out your problems, helping you slog onward, or otherwise due diligence on your part. But it isn't. Nothing is being accomplished despite the efforts of yourself and others. I'll equate it to pulling on a wrench when the bolt refuses to turn - you can sweat and expend a ton of energy but, by definition, no work has been performed.

If we're honest, I fear it's actually worse than I suspect, and your true goal here is to collect as many new excuses for yourself as possible. You are taking fresh insights and advice, then inverting them to fortify your mental prison. You don't think you're doing this, though, because you're too hurt to gauge the situation appropriately or accurately.

And, BTW, everyone experiences that touchspelunch thing. Why do you think retired guys buy Corvettes? Why do you think college graduates buy giant houses? Why do you think so many unfulfilled people fall for pyramid schemes? The examples are endless and effect all ages and genders. It's not just you.

 

[Markness]

@Lysholm Why would I not want hope in my life? I am constantly searching for it and wondering why it seems to be out of my reach.

I am not trying to find new excuses. I am constantly wondering why I can’t seem to get out of my rut and I wish I knew if there was a solution.

 

[Markness]

My thoughts are more like “Oh, I’ve met someone who has common interests with me! Could she become a friend or a potential girlfriend? What should I say or do?”

That seems like a lot to put on a chance meeting.

Wouldn't the weight be lighter if you thought,
*Hey this person seems ok. Maybe I'll see them again*
instead fast forwarding into girlfriend land?

I, for one, wish you had not discovered the word "tochlusspanik."
Couple reasons.

Most people reading your posts aren't familiar with it and they
either are confused, skip over it, have to look it up, or I provide
a definition.

The other reason I wish you'd never seen the word is it allows
you to feel as if it weren't possible to change your thoughts
and feelings.

You did say you'd developed Torschlusspanik - Wiktionary

You do realize it's your own thoughts giving you the panicked feeling, right?
Not that it's a condition which has settled on you and over which you
have no control?

https://leplusbeauvoyage.com/en/warding-off-torschlusspanik/

I’ve been told I put too much pressure on myself. I guess I just constantly worry that chances are slipping away and if time is really on my side?

 

[tree]

@Markness

You ask yourself questions.

The problem is, the questions that you ask seem not
to be the useful type questions.

 

[Markness]

@Markness

You ask yourself questions.

The problem is, the questions that you ask seem not
to be the useful type questions.

I guess I just don’t know what the right questions are.