Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[Judge]

As a side question to this entire post...is there specifically just a dating site specifically for the neurodiverse? I feel like such a thing would be really, really useful.

In a perfect world, perhaps.

Tragically on the Internet it would also be a beacon for predators who assume most of us can be taken advantage of in a social and sexual sense.

Whatever platform may exist that can bring two autistic persons together needs some kind of vetting process.

 

[Markness]

Yes, you do appear to be maintaining the same thoughts,
repeatedly.

I can’t seem to actually reach the starting-over point.

Holding on to the ideas that harm you is like
holding on to an anchor while expecting to
float to the surface.

It’s like they are viruses inside my brain.

What should I think instead?

 

[tree]

It’s like they are viruses inside my brain.

What should I think instead?

I've recommended a book to you.
A Guide to Rational Living, by Ellis and Harper.

Methods of learning to take control of your thinking
are discussed in that book.

 

[Gerontius]

I have a question. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to.

Is it possible that you tend to be reinforcing the sadness because of what you surround yourself with? Say for example, you listen to a lot of metal, and you watch a lot of anime. These are interesting fandoms, and have a lot of things that might be fun. However, I was looking at a pattern from the outside here. This isn't picking at you, but it's definitely a pattern I've seen a few times before.

Is it possible that listening to sad or depressing music might be contributing to helping you stay depressed?

Ok, I don't listen to music that is exactly cool. I' have, however, found my old teenage "depression playlist" when I found some really old records awhile ago that I used to play as a suicidally depressed teenager. I spent most of my time in my room anyway. I played jazz records, foxtrots, ragtime marches, regular military-band marches, comedy songs, Negro spirituals, classical music of all descriptions, blues, the beginnings of R&B. Notice the lack of gloomy or angry music. I don't actually think I have any music tailored to sadness.

The funniest part is that I've become less depressed over time, even though there were some serious set-backs (I'm going through some since about late last December.) It's working out, slowly. I know for a fact that listening to intensely sad music doesn't help me--it fragments my thoughts & I can't get out of things.

Also, regarding anime/manga/any of that sort of thing. I understand that it may seem like a good idea to enjoy some escapism here but the relationships portrayed in anime & suchlike are hilariously inaccurate, just like the proportions of female bodies in anime are hilariously inaccurate. (I went and looked at some anime. Interpersonal interactions in a lot of the mainstream stuff are just bizarre. I've seen a few that were legitimately nice, like Super Cub, but that had more exploring on a Honda motor bike and less unrealistic weirdness.)

The combination of media made by the lonely and lecherous, plus the intense, emotional hit of metal music but without the fun side to balance it out, might be a little bit rough for you and it may be limiting your chances.

I was really depressed for awhile and, to keep on keeping on, I sat down & decided to learn a piece of light music in 6/8 time for the organ. This was genuinely helpful. I like to keep my musical intake pleasant, light, and fun, not stormy and depressed. The same thing happened in the Early Romantic era, when Goethe wrote The Sorrows of Young Werther--the first edition spawned a rush of copycat suicides when a lot of chronically depressed German youth decided they should do exactly what Werther did in the book: i.e., die. Goethe was horrified, and, very sorrowful himself, wrote a new preface to the next edition recommending please do not actually kill yourself, because the whole sad boi thing is overrated, and this is a work of literary fiction so it's supposed to be sad or gloomy or some something like that. I don't know what his actual words were as I do not sprechen da Deutsch.

The whole thing just seems like it's a little too reinforced--you're not fond of your job and your mother's overbearing influence isn't fun, but then you surround yourself not with happiness but with sad, angry music and unrealistic anime interactions (and unrealistic anime cleavage.) If I were you in your position, I'd be trying to do something different. Not saying to go full weirdo '80s mom and dump your metal collection, or to get rid of everything you're actually interested in, but I would suggest that maybe broadening your horizons would give you a chance out.

And I'm fully convinced you'll probably think I'm one of your "detractors" now. Look, if I had de tractor running maybe I'd fix the dirt road on de back forty and wait for de winter, oil de rifle, take de long walk and hunt de deers.

 

[Markness]

I have a question. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to.

Is it possible that you tend to be reinforcing the sadness because of what you surround yourself with? Say for example, you listen to a lot of metal, and you watch a lot of anime. These are interesting fandoms, and have a lot of things that might be fun. However, I was looking at a pattern from the outside here. This isn't picking at you, but it's definitely a pattern I've seen a few times before.

No, I don’t think that’s the case. Even before I listened to metal and watched anime regularly, I had depressed episodes.

Example: When I was 15, I would listen to Incubus’s Make Yourself album and it has a lot of songs with positive messages. Listening to it did not uplift me because I was still socially isolated and was being subjected to my family’s troubles.

 

[1ForAll]

Also, I wanted to tell the singles on the forum and looking, be aware part of the reason I keep mentioning finding ways to think more positively, worry less and to build your self esteem is because this will not only definitely attract more to you and possibly interested in you, as who wants negative person's in their life that will bring them down further as most want the focus on one's good traits, interests and abilities to put themselves in better mood, but it should create more opportunities too for you to initiate then if you feel more positive, worry less and better about yourself, as you will be afraid of rejection less and at worst tell yourself you will at least learn from the situation after trying.

Regarding creating more dating opportunities for you by initiating, I have seen countless times on this forum where it seemed some NT and ND women were giving out cues or information that said they could be available if they met a certain type of guy. If I were not married,there are many I could have initiated writing to, explaining not only why I was interested because of the qualities I saw in them, but because I had good qualities too that they could hopefully see more if we could just chat to each other more,with no pressure on them but to chat as friends first to learn more.

I think several of those women on the forum seemed to be saying through encryption or subtly, "Hey, I have been hurt enough or single too long, but I am not going to take the first move. I rather be alone or wait for someone that shows a real desire for me through their efforts and then I may give him a chance." As well, there were several times in high school,college and university where a woman at least acted friendly to me, but I was too shy to open there,other than a brief polite reply back. One young woman even said to another on the opposite side of me in class, "I am single. I wish I had a boyfriend." Opportunity lost for I because of my self hatred then, lack of confidence to initiate and fear of rejection.

 

[Markness]

Even back when I didn’t listen to any metal and didn’t watch any anime, I was often negative. A teacher even told me to “stop being negative” and so did my mother. I really don’t think listening to metal and watching anime are the problems. Neither my mother and stepfather listen to metal nor watch anime and they aren’t examples of positivity.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

In a perfect world, perhaps.

Tragically on the Internet it would also be a beacon for predators who assume most of us can be taken advantage of in a social and sexual sense.

Whatever platform may exist that can bring two autistic persons together needs some kind of vetting process.

I agree with you. What could it be called, I wonder? Um...we have Tinder, Grindr...Plenty of Fish... Plenty of Aliens? Stimmer? I...worry I sound like an ass but I'm not trying to poke fun. *thinking emoji*

 

[paloftoon]

Even back when I didn’t listen to any metal and didn’t watch any anime, I was often negative. A teacher even told me to “stop being negative” and so did my mother. I really don’t think listening to metal and watching anime are the problems. Neither my mother and stepfather listen to metal nor watch anime and they aren’t examples of positivity.

I like to be negative too, but there's a time and place. Context matters so much. Even if you are very capable, people will feel that you just like to complain. You need to be able to express yourself well enough where you deal with situations well or save all your negativity for close friends you know are okay with it and your therapist.
If you're meeting people on a more casual level, if you're negative all the time, it's going to turn people away even if it shouldn't. People like me and you probably don't like to be superficial. This can be a good quality. Not being negative "all the time" is definitely a skill we need to work on when we're so used to being too realistic or pessimistic.
I put together recently that I probably lost a quality date because I was too negative.
If we use some positivity, it's more about survival. We aren't taking away who we really are and we know who we really are. Positivity every now and then can help build trust for us to express negativity properly when it needs to be discussed. It also shows others that we can appreciate when things we are reasonably good and are not just complainers too.

 

[Markness]

I like to be negative too, but there's a time and place. Context matters so much. Even if you are very capable, people will feel that you just like to complain. You need to be able to express yourself well enough where you deal with situations well or save all your negativity for close friends you know are okay with it and your therapist.
If you're meeting people on a more casual level, if you're negative all the time, it's going to turn people away even if it shouldn't. People like me and you probably don't like to be superficial. This can be a good quality. Not being negative "all the time" is definitely a skill we need to work on when we're so used to being too realistic or pessimistic.
I put together recently that I probably lost a quality date because I was too negative.
If we use some positivity, it's more about survival. We aren't taking away who we really are and we know who we really are. Positivity every now and then can help build trust for us to express negativity properly when it needs to be discussed. It also shows others that we can appreciate when things we are reasonably good and are not just complainers too.

Well, I am not always negative. I suppose I’m just not very exciting because I’ll sometimes have conversations start but they’ll fizzle out.

 

[Gerontius]

Well, I am not always negative. I suppose I’m just not very exciting because I’ll sometimes have conversations start but they’ll fizzle out.

That itself could be phrased a bit more positively-- "I'm not always good at finishing conversations but I like starting them" would be accurate, and would come off presenting you in a little more positive light.

 

[Markness]

I really feel awful. Why does love have to be denied to me?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I really feel awful. Why does love have to be denied to me?

I remember feeling as you did when I was younger. I know what it's like to feel unloved and lonely and unaccepted by someone special. This may sound...whimsical, but in my case it's the truth: love will find you at the appointed time. Don't try to force anything. When it finds you and you know it, then it's the best thing ever. I've been with my current partner for close to a decade and it's been a long time, full of lessons and acceptance. Neither of us are perfect, but imperfectly together we are perfect.

It's normal at first to be so lonely, but wallowing in your self-pity will not help you in the long run. I speak from experience.

 

[Markness]

I remember feeling as you did when I was younger. I know what it's like to feel unloved and lonely and unaccepted by someone special. This may sound...whimsical, but in my case it's the truth: love will find you at the appointed time. Don't try to force anything. When it finds you and you know it, then it's the best thing ever. I've been with my current partner for close to a decade and it's been a long time, full of lessons and acceptance. Neither of us are perfect, but imperfectly together we are perfect.

It's normal at first to be so lonely, but wallowing in your self-pity will not help you in the long run. I speak from experience.

Well, I am 34 and turning 35 this year so I don’t know how much longer I can wait until I either lose my sanity or commit suicide.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Well, I am 34 and turning 35 this year so I don’t know how much longer I can wait until I either lose my sanity or commit suicide.

I cannot tell if you're sarcastic or not, but suicide...I've been in your shoes before, and I want to be empathetic and sympathize with you.

May I ask: do you consume a lot of media about relationships? Is this something about which you fantasize constantly, willing or no?

 

[tree]

Well, I am 34 and turning 35 this year so I don’t know how much longer I can wait until I either lose my sanity or commit suicide.

This statement is a bit on the manipulative side.

It's like *poor me, a person without volition, doomed to insanity or self destruction
if somebody doesn't come along and rescue me.*

I base this interpretation on the word "wait."

The two options (insanity and suicide) are both examples of disdain for the OP.

The way the statement is framed it doesn't suggest that the OP might have
anything positive to offer. He's basically an empty shell.

According to the way the statement is written.

 

[paloftoon]

This statement is a bit on the manipulative side.

It's like *poor me, a person without volition, doomed to insanity or self destruction
if somebody doesn't come along and rescue me.*

I base this interpretation on the word "wait."

The two options (insanity and suicide) are both examples of disdain for the OP.

The way the statement is framed it doesn't suggest that the OP might have
anything positive to offer. He's basically an empty shell.

According to the way the statement is written.

Exactly! No one will date "an empty shell" except maybe "another empty shell."

You can make something of yourself by gaining skills to make you more independent. If you're the majority race, then I'm glad that is one less thing you have to deal with because many minorities get rejected simply because of their race- something that is not under their control at all.

I mean, I bet if you wanted to buy someone in a poor, foreign country or try to date someone in a nursing home, you would get interest. . .
Maybe consider applying for the Love on the Spectrum show. Even though it will be embarrassing, there could be some good that results from the experience afterward.

 

[Kayla55]

When I was younger a family was visiting, their son really smart and interested in my dad's ideas on who real Egyptians were, and influence. He liked this idea that French sincerely believe autism is a disease and that actually most people lack creativity or genuinely. Very relevant is idea of makeup and creating Barbie when actually it's an image created that women themselves do not really exist this way.
The TV media glamorouse a person who's geek and it's difficult to define yourself in a culture that hasn't identity for themselves and is overun by media and many real world people simply left wondering.

No, dad I'm not a geek scientist but he'll no, you not comparing my intelligence with average bimbo who now has legal right to education. Clarity: no I don't act like bimbo, I don't dress like that. Even if she's overeducated for what it's worth....and what it's worth is how you can stop judging me as stupid and why I think I'm above her.
Trick is to not take too much notice, that way carry on in your own world. Not. I'm constantly subjected to sexism and even autistic males are confused about intelligence because if she seriously fought for, thought about and was worth equal rating and of course I'm so stupid, I'm disabled, I can't dance.
I'm just part of sour times

 

[paloftoon]

I don't feel you can ever be "overeducated". There's always something new to learn. In our cases, it might be how to interpret context and social differences and how to find things that reasonably work for us and to an extent, those that we have to work with.

 

[Kayla55]

Firstly I don't believe only women on spectrum are clever, I've met very smart and ambitious women but we had differences, so definition of a bimbo is not limited to blond, many stupid brunettes.
Well ok, if medium for getting ahead wasn't a man supporting you then perhaps overeducated is sarcastic. If men defend your place for what you do for him in bed then I suppose not. If women's greatest success was social skills and success in subtle bully techniques to secure jobs that most often require women to sabotage one another in efforts to win men's reinstatement of their position, I suppose not.
If you name any of the above women's rights and believe such a madam would ever argue for what she believed in at expense of loosing position he offers her, most doubtful.
But um, yes interior designers earn good salaries for uncertain what skill but um,

Nowadays anyone can google just about anything. Money may even buy you a master's degree??? We could teach chimps to fly aeroplanes.
So what really defines us outside of education?