Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[Gerontius]

Maybe some women would appreciate this approach, and yet some others would see this as lacking depth and meaning. That’s why it all gets so tricky, there is no one magical answer. Best to focus on self improvement that makes you happy.

Agreed. The other stuff is a good way to date someone who's superficial and trifling, and nobody wants a shallow girlfriend.

That said, shallowness isn't attractive on men either.

Meaningful life and confidence and kindness have worked for an awful lot of people.

 

[Luca]

Maybe some women would appreciate this approach, and yet some others would see this as lacking depth and meaning. That’s why it all gets so tricky, there is no one magical answer. Best to focus on self improvement that makes you happy.

I totally agree. Self-improvement does not need to come in the form of losing weight or altering your appearance. It's fine if that makes someone feel like the best version of themselves, but it's never something that should be done to please others.

I face a lot of pressure from people in my life to lose weight, and I've felt so bad about it at some points that I've done research on weight loss surgery, but when it comes down to it that would not make me feel any better about myself. It would probably make me feel worse because it would mean that I was superficially pleasing other people instead of myself. And Atrapa Almas had really good advice for me about this topic.

Self-improvement needs to be whatever would make you happy, not what other people are demanding of you. And it comes in many other forms besides physical appearance. I love exercising, but not for the purpose of losing weight. It just makes me feel good. Self-care, engaging in hobbies, and setting goals for oneself are some of the best steps towards self-improvement. And happy people are beautiful inside and out.

 

[kenaij]

Sorry, but @BoltzmannBrain17 never stated he needed to become ONLY super attractive. But it does help. The fast fast majority of women will start dating a men they find physically attractive before someone they do not find very attractive. Having a decent bodyweight, being well groomed etc shows you take care of yourself. And I`m not talking about super model kind of taking care of yourself. But just putting in some time to look presentable. This gives (again, the fast majority) women the idea you can also take care of potential ofspring.
And all of this might not happen conciously. But it does happen.

It is true that women start having a relationship with men they do not find physically attractive. But almost always this happens when they already know someone. If you want to meet people through dating it works far far better to look presentable.

Personality is the end game, the depth of getting a relationship. But if you can never start the game. You will never reach the endgame.

Plus, getting in shape and being groomed and well dressed is far far easier then enhancing your personality. So it is a good place to start with.

 

[kenaij]

I totally agree. Self-improvement does not need to come in the form of losing weight or altering your appearance. It's fine if that makes someone feel like the best version of themselves, but it's never something that should be done to please others.

I face a lot of pressure from people in my life to lose weight, and I've felt so bad about it at some points that I've done research on weight loss surgery, but when it comes down to it that would not make me feel any better about myself. It would probably make me feel worse because it would mean that I was superficially pleasing other people instead of myself. And Atrapa Almas had really good advice for me about this topic.

Self-improvement needs to be whatever would make you happy, not what other people are demanding of you. And it comes in many other forms besides physical appearance. I love exercising, but not for the purpose of losing weight. It just makes me feel good. Self-care, engaging in hobbies, and setting goals for oneself are some of the best steps towards self-improvement. And happy people are beautiful inside and out.

I totally agree you should not change to please others. And the OP should not feel pressure to do change his appearance if he does not want to. But the advice was simply given because it will make dating easier. Based on your picture you are not overweight. The advice was given if someone was overweight. 15-18% bodyfat generally means a healthy bodyweight.
The OP seems desperate to find a relationship. The advice will simply increase the pool of potential mates.
But you should never do it at the cost of losing yourself or becoming unhappy with yourself.

 

[Rodafina]

@kenaij,
Again, some women may find this approach attractive, but others will find it superficial, and then others might have a mix of feelings about it. The point to always reconsider is that each and every single woman will be different.

Personality is the end game, the depth of getting a relationship. But if you can never start the game. You will never reach the endgame.

Personality is the only game. It’s who you are, your thoughts, your feelings, your interests, and the way you treat other people. That is the game… Be yourself. Everything else is just superficial.

Plus, getting in shape and being groomed and well dressed is far far easier then enhancing your personality. So it is a good place to start with.

I’m not sure I agree with this. Embracing your personality seems more important than enhancing your personality. And I would argue that it is definitely not easier for some people to lose weight or change their appearance than simply be themselves.

 

[kenaij]

To put it into an extreme. There are way more women that would pick a man that looks presentable over someone with torn cloths, unwashed face and 70 pounds overweight than the other way around. So generally, taking better care of yourself is more attractive. And that does not mean standing in front of the mirror for 2 hours and having ripped abs.
If you show you take care of yourself you are far more likely to be able to take care of someone else. Generally that is an attractive trait.
The first thing that attracts people to eachother is a physical attraction. Because you have to get to know them before you know their personality. This is true for the fast fast majority of people.
The OP is truly desperate to meet someone. He is simply far more likely to get into a conversation or date with someone if they feel attracted to him.
You can take better care of yourself and still stay yourself fully internally.

Since this post is about a man wanting to find a woman I try to make my points from a man's perspective. But all of this also goes the other way around. Men are also generally attracted more towards women who are able to take good care of themselves. They don`t have to be models. In fact. Most men don`t even like that. But if you show you can take care of yourself you are generally far more likely to be able to take care of other people.

This will be my last post about this. Since it is no longer helpfull for the OP. Since it has become more about personal believes.

 

[Rodafina]

someone with torn cloths, unwashed face and 70 pounds overweight

Why conflate weight with these things? It is much easier to wear clothes you like and wash your face than it is to lose a lot of weight.

Someone’s weight is mixed in with culture, mental health issues, and long-term goals. If we are going to say the vast majority of women do anything, we should have data to support that.

The first thing that attracts people to eachother is a physical attraction

Not on the internet. You can get to know someone through conversation now.

The OP is truly desperate to meet someone.

We know that, and he has good friends here, like me, who support him no matter what he looks like. We have hope for him to find confidence in himself and internal validation that cannot be threatened by superficial things.

 

[kenaij]

I`m done with this discussion because it is getting nowhere.
Please feel free to keep doing the same thing and hoping for different results.
Dismiss all suggestions you do not agree with.
It seems to be working so far looking at 21 pages of posts.

To the OP. dispite this last post. I really do hope you find what you are looking for. Everyone deserves to be happy.

 

[Rodafina]

Dismiss all suggestions you do not agree with.

No one is doing that. But it is a place to discuss things further and personalize advice to the unique struggles of those who seek it. Your opinion is perfectly valid. Mine is just very different.

 

[kenaij]

Reading through most of this thread a lot of suggestions have been given. But most if not all are turned down or dismissed. Any form of (positive) adjustment from the OP seems impossible.
I completely understand that you always have to stay true to yourself and you should be yourself.
But is you want something and in your current state you are not able to find it there will have to be a point where you need to realise there is something that has to change. If you are unwilling or not able to do that, you probably do not want it as much as you think you do.

Simply. If I`m a 200lbs couch potato but I really want to run a sub 20 minute 3k. I could stay on my couch, because I am unable to run. But I will never get to where I want to go. I could also start walking everyday, which is a lot easier. Or start cycling to build up some strength and lung capacity to eventually be able to run.
So, OP wants a girlfriend. He is unable to get it in his current state. Some steps need to be made if he wants to get to the point of having a girlfriend. Might aswell try some different things to atleast get a first date.

I understand that there are people who do not care at all about looks and only care about personality. But apparently there is still a reason these people are not interested in the OP until now. So why not give suggestions that would widen his pool of potential future partners. Working on self care (if that can be improved upon) might make the OP a little more confident. That confidence is a huge step forward.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Women are not special what attracts you to them attracts them to you take care of yourself, make yourself something they are attracted too.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

As a man you'll need to reach a certain level of attractiveness to date. Around a 6-7/10. Firstly lose weight if you're overweight and get to around 15% bodyfat. Then improve whatever else you can improve in regards to your face. Improving your level of physical attractiveness will help you more than pretty much anything else

You may be able to attract the superficial if that is all you offer, but in life there is alot more that is as important. My spouse, though a shy woman, was looking for a companion who could share outdoor activities, and I possessed skills that many prettyboys did not have! and soon we were wilderness backpacking, SCUBA diving off of Borneo, or paddling whitewater in solo open canoes.

 

[kenaij]

It is so much fun reading all the counter arguments to improving physical attractiveness. While it is no different than saying smoking is not bad for you because my grandma smoked like a rocket and she became 100 years old. Completely neglecting that the fast majority of smokers get sick.
Sure there are people that do not look at attractiveness. And none is claiming the OP should become a super model. Taking better care of how you look is not supervisial. For most people it is in their nature to find someone they find physically attractive.
It also gives a lot of positive feedback from people around you which helps a lot with confidence in most people. Which helps you grow on the inside aswell.
It is not about change. It is about growth and development. A living organism that does not develop dies.

 

[Rodafina]

For most people it is in their nature to find someone they find physically attractive.

I think the point is that in our modern society ”physically attractive” means infinitely different things to different people.

Trying to promote an old idea of objective standards of attraction is proving to be detrimental to men’s mental health. Weight, fitness level, grooming habits, hygiene, and style are all examples of superficial ways in which we can change if we want to, but it will not be equally important to everybody.

Taking better care of how you look is not supervisial.

It is entirely superficial. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but if it is the only thing or the most important thing, then some people will be turned off by that or looking for more substance. For others, it will be important. We are each seeking something different in a partner.

It is not about change. It is about growth and development. A living organism that does not develop dies.

Change, growth, and development all seem like the same thing to me.

It is so much fun reading all the counter arguments to improving physical attractiveness.

I’m not sure that you are actually having fun with this. I think that if you were arguing for improving physical health and wellbeing, the reactions may be different.

But, for clarity, I will reiterate that in my opinion, your thoughts are perfectly valid, but that does not mean they are exempt from pushback where others have conflicting thoughts. That’s part of what we do here is discuss the merits of ideas and see where thinking can be challenged. You don’t have to prove yourself right or anyone else wrong. Your opinion is valid and some people will surely agree with you. Others will not.

 

[kenaij]

Promoting the 15-18% bodyfat standard is not out of date. It is medically the most healthy bodyfat a man can be at. We have not changed that much over the last couple years.

Taking better care of how you look has so many internal benefits. Not if you take it to the extreme where it becomes an obsession. And where you post endless pictures of your abs.

For me change, growth and development do mean different things. But that might be because their direct translations into my language make hem inherently different.

I am agruing for improving physical health thou. The whole point was. IF you are overweight you could get down to 15-18% bodyfat. Which is, factually, the healthiest bodyfat for the fast fast majority of all men. I`m not saying he should get abs, which is not ideal for most people. That is why with healthy habits, and no medical reason that prevents it, every mean will get to that bodyfat % without really trying.

I/We are just making suggestions to the OP which might help him.

 

[Rodafina]

I/We are just making suggestions to the OP which might help him

Agreed. Likewise.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

It takes two to have a relationship it is not one sided. you have to be attracted to each other. if one party does not make the attempt nothing will happen.

 

[Markness]

My detractors do not want me to have a girlfriend and I wish they would stop lying when they say they don’t think that way.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Who are your detractors? personally, I would like you to get into a relationship but as they say I have no skin in this game.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My detractors do not want me to have a girlfriend and I wish they would stop lying when they say they don’t think that way.

Are these your anonymous online gripers that you really do not need to listen to?