Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[Rodafina]

I hope it’s OK to ask: What is the significance of the 16 years here? What did you have 16 years ago that was lost through time?

 

[Markness]

I hope it’s OK to ask: What is the significance of the 16 years here? What did you have 16 years ago that was lost through time?

Not having a loving partner. I am sad that I lost so many years and had to spend them alone as well as depressed.

 

[tree]

Not having a loving partner. I didn’t lose anything (Besides a decade of my life.), I never had it.

Clarify.

If you lost nothing, what are you mourning?

Didn't you say that for awhile you did have a girlfriend?

 

[Markness]

Clarify.

If you lost nothing, what are you mourning?

Didn't you say that for awhile you did have a girlfriend?

I mourn for the years I lost.

It didn’t last long.

 

[tree]

You lived through those years.
You weren't in a coma.

You may not have experienced the events you'd
have preferred, but the years weren't snatched
from you. They aren't lost.

 

[Markness]

You lived through those years.
You weren't in a coma.

You may not have experienced the events you'd
have preferred, but the years weren't snatched
from you. They aren't lost.

But I can’t turn back the clock and I am not getting younger. My time on this planet is decreasing and I am scared I will wake up as an old man who still hasn’t gotten a coffee date.

 

[Rodafina]

Not having a loving partner. I am sad that I lost so many years and had to spend them alone as well as depressed.

I understand. I have felt that way too.

I think it’s cool that there are so many people here that offer you such good advice. The advice that you are getting is probably helping so many more people than just you. You are the one putting your feelings out there, but I think many people feel this way – even in your loneliness, you are not alone in your feelings.

 

[Markness]

I understand. I have felt that way too.

I think it’s cool that there are so many people here that offer you such good advice. The advice that you are getting is probably helping so many more people than just you. You are the one putting your feelings out there, but I think many people feel this way – even in your loneliness, you are not alone in your feelings.

I fear I will continue to feel this way until I die.

My thoughts are stuck on the beliefs that I am indeed alone and there is no solution for me except to give up and somehow purge the desire for a girlfriend out of my system.

 

[Slim Jim]

Walk up, to the person you like, say "hello I love you," Tell her that you "love her madly," "Wanna be her baby" It's sure to work. Just make sure to not take no for an answer.

And if she says "this is the end." Inform her that "you light my fire," and you seem "Unhappy girl" and offer to take her on a moonlight drive. Or a nice cruise on a crystal ship.

 

[tree]

Walk up, to the person you like, say "hello I love you," Tell her that you "love her madly," "Wanna be her baby" It's sure to work. Just make sure to not take no for an answer.

And if she says "this is the end." Inform her that "you light my fire," and you seem "Unhappy girl" and offer to take her on a moonlight drive. Or a nice cruise on a crystal ship.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club

 

[paloftoon]

Having a full time instead of a part time job can help.
Look on meetup.com for meetups that are not at bars.
Consider volunteering. There's always help needed at food kitchens, shelters, and the like.

 

[Judge]

I am turning 34 this August and despite my best efforts to bring romance into my life, I have failed to even get a coffee date. I really wish I knew the reason or reasons why and if it’s possible for me to make up for lost time for almost 16 years now.

Attempting to "bring romance" in your life may be the problem. That in your case it may be best to settle for friendship instead. It's not a crime or admitting failure. It's just optimizing what you have, as opposed to what you may not have at all.

It worked for me...it may work for you as well. Geez..."dating" was always out of the question for me. Making the very thought of "romance" out of the question. Yet for me it turned out that dating and romance were simply "putting the cart in front of the horse". Whereas making a good friend sometimes evolved into something more. In my case that involved four out of five relationships with women who were good friends before becoming lovers. Though even in passionate relationships, my ability to be romantic was never that good. Romance to me is like a foreign language.

Perhaps you should stop viewing it all from a conventional- and perhaps neurotypical standpoint. They may be their values, but are they really yours? Give up all the intensity and urgency of dating and just settle for making friends. See where it leads rather than continuing to deal with social rituals that don't work for you. And to accept that friendship doesn't inherently lead to romance. But you never know....

 

[Markness]

Attempting to "bring romance" in your life may be the problem. That in your case it may be best to settle for friendship instead. It's not a crime or admitting failure. It's just optimizing what you have, as opposed to what you may not have at all.

It worked for me...it may work for you as well. Geez..."dating" was always out of the question for me. Making the very thought of "romance" out of the question. Yet for me it turned out that dating and romance were simply "putting the cart in front of the horse". Whereas making a good friend sometimes evolved into something more. In my case that involved four out of five relationships with women who were good friends before becoming lovers. Though even in passionate relationships, my ability to be romantic was never that good. Romance to me is like a foreign language.

Perhaps you should stop viewing it all from a conventional- and perhaps neurotypical standpoint. They may be their values, but are they really yours? Give up all the intensity and urgency of dating and just settle for making friends. See where it leads rather than continuing to deal with social rituals that don't work for you. And to accept that friendship doesn't inherently lead to romance. But you never know....

I honestly struggle with making friends and in my experience, women generally think men who are friends with them aren’t interested in taking things further.

 

[Judge]

I honestly struggle with making friends and in my experience, women generally think men who are friends with them aren’t interested in taking things further.

You miss the point. That making friends is inevitably easier than the social institution of courtship. While making friends may be difficult as well, it doesn't involve the same social dynamics and deceptions. And most of all there's no sense of urgency in comparison. Some of us are just not made for dating.

You don't have to give up on finding a lover, but you should consider a different avenue of approach in doing so. In the meantime, having another friend is not a bad thing. Instead of bemoaning your social limitations and going in circles, learn to use them in a more practical manner. Think of your "long-game" rather than focusing on short term intentions.

Whatever you're doing presently obviously isn't working. One thing for sure, people you may be interested in will likely pick up on your negativity and urgency. Definite turn-offs. Time to shift gears...and remain positive in doing so with social situations involving far less urgency. You can do it!

 

[Storm Hess]

I am 33 years old, I work part time, I still live with my mother for a myriad of reasons, I’ve graduated high school with only some college as extra education but I don’t have a degree, and I am generally socially isolated because most of the socialization that happens in my area is at bars. I am really just tired of going to my room alone after a daily slog and not have someone to be there for me as well as I for her.

I’ve tried different avenues to break out of my rut but they don’t ever succeed for me. I fear that I’ve either fallen too far behind socially to even get a coffee date or that there is a cutoff age to dating and I had it happen to me a long time ago.

Just how can I get a date despite my situation if it’s still possible?

Sometimes it happens when you stop looking for it.

Maybe try dating services specifically for Autistic people.

 

[Markness]

You miss the point. That making friends is inevitably easier than the social institution of courtship. While making friends may be difficult as well, it doesn't involve the same social dynamics and deceptions. And most of all there's no sense of urgency in comparison. Some of us are just not made for dating.

You don't have to give up on finding a lover, but you should consider a different avenue of approach in doing so. In the meantime, having another friend is not a bad thing. Instead of bemoaning your social limitations and going in circles, learn to use them in a more practical manner. Think of your "long-game" rather than focusing on short term intentions.

Whatever you're doing presently obviously isn't working. One thing for sure, people you may be interested in will likely pick up on your negativity and urgency. Definite turn-offs. Time to shift gears...and remain positive in doing so with social situations involving far less urgency. You can do it!

I’ve honestly wanted to bypass dating altogether, even back in high school. I was nice to girls and while some seemed to like me, they were dating other guys while I was always going home alone.
Because this was my past, I fear that it defines both my present and my future.

I would feel less urgent if things in my life actually felt like they were moving forward instead of remaining stagnant.

 

[Rodafina]

I would feel less urgent if things in my life actually felt like they were moving forward instead of remaining stagnant.

Yeah, stagnant sucks, so shake things up a bit! Try something totally different and weird and outlandish. And if it’s a total failure, you can probably post about it on here and everyone will have your back.

 

[tree]

@Markness

You wanted to bypass dating.

And just go directly to BF/GF status?

You say you were nice to girls and some seemed to like you,
but then note that you were always going home alone, which
indicates that in the back of your mind you were still evaluating
them by the standard of *can I get this one to be my GF?*
and not *I enjoy being with her, this is fun.*/I have fun with
friends.

 

[Judge]

I’ve honestly wanted to bypass dating altogether, even back in high school.

I did, except for a single exception in my twenties, when I allowed myself on a "blind date", arranged by a caring friend at work.

It was a disaster. I felt paralyzed through the entire ordeal, and failed to project any sense of wanting to get to know this person. It was like being on a stage with a bright spotlight on me. But even then, I had a pretty good idea from a third-person perspective of all the needless rituals, expectations and deceptions of dating. It simply repelled me. Always asking myself, why can't people be honest about their feelings? Apparently dating has unwritten rules about that.

Sure, quite often a great deal of time passed between the few relationships I had that were based initially on friendship. But at least I had them.

To this day dating seems about as pleasant as going to the dentist. I get it.

 

[Markness]

@Markness

You wanted to bypass dating.

And just go directly to BF/GF status?

You say you were nice to girls and some seemed to like you,
but then note that you were always going home alone, which
indicates that in the back of your mind you were still evaluating
them by the standard of *can I get this one to be my GF?*
and not *I enjoy being with her, this is fun.*/I have fun with
friends.

I didn’t know the social rules. I was always told that women liked gentlemen and I thought being nice was the way to go about it.