Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[grommet]

I guess I really can’t get a gate no matter what I do.

That was my situation too. I have no advice, I do not know if you were wanting some. Nothing I did helped, endless rejection or failures. One day I asked a woman to lunch, she said no, but I asked her each time I saw her once a month at a meeting we went to. Always no. I emailed her through the group site though and she was too uncomfortable to meet in person but we began a correspondence and she was very funny and very interesting. Our intimacy grew from there until a while later, I cannot remember how long, we did have our first in-person date. She is the woman I was with for eight years.

If she had not responded to my email I would have stayed single and gone decades without a date. I do not know if there is hope to be got from my story but I did finally get a date. I hope you get one but please if you do, be yourself, hiding, hoping you are more acceptable in a restrained form means an uncomfortable date where you do not get to know each other and maybe find so unpleasant you do not want to see them again. It could end a possibility before it turned to something really good.

 

[tree]

I struggle just to make platonic friendships. My conversations will fizzle out no matter how hard I attempt to keep them going.

Sounds like you need practice.
With conversation.

You can start by playing the forum game Answer a QUESTION with a QUESTION at least once a day for the next 10 days.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I guess I really can’t get a gate no matter what I do.

And, have you changed what you do and your situation and stopped doing what is not working? If some of the defeatist attitude that you exhibit here leaks out when you meet people, you will be seen as not dateable.

When I began my research work I was making less than many factory workers and living by myself in a lower working class area of the city. Of necessity I learned the best cheap eats and interesting places around Detroit and across the river in Windsor, Ontario. I saved up to enjoy Theater or weekends in Toronto where I stayed at the Y ($15 a night). As I gained confidence I used all of that. An early date with a woman I would trade recipes with, was to go to the farmer's market to see what was good, had lunch at Greektown (I love Dolmades) stopped back to pick up things, and cooked a supper of braised 5-spice short ribs and sauteed veggies.

@Markness , what are you doing to offer up an interesting time? Even that would have been impossible for me had I not changed my attitude and been on my own for a bit..

 

[Markness]

I made some attempts to be social for the last few weeks but they still end up with fizzled out conversations and me going home still lonely. Yet other people I know are establishing romantic relationships while I still can’t even get a coffee date.

 

[Markness]

I really wish there were books for men in my situation. I really want a relationship but I can’t even get a simple coffee date. Does society just not care for my plight at all?

 

[Slime_Punk]

There are loads of pickup artist books out there. What are you talking about?

Personally I'm not a fan, but they're literally everywhere.

 

[Calrid]

Society cares by definition or it would not be a society. That said it's a diffciult situation, perhaps you should care more about, not what society is doing to you but your preconceptions about society. Start with an exercise in how people who are not you, get dates, and then think how you might be able to overcome your problems where you intrinsically have compare to them. There are many ways to date these days without even meeting people, and you can be damn sure a lot of those people are just like you. There's no book that teaches you how to interact in the real world for obvious reasons, because everyone is not you. Books that tell you how to behave or do or x or y are worthless, not everyone is you.

 

[Judge]

There are loads of pickup artist books out there. What are you talking about?

Personally I'm not a fan, but they're literally everywhere.

Indeed!

Start with the most basic ones....and don't let the "dummies" brand bother you. They're an excellent publisher. Forget any focus on autism. It's an issue that transcends the entire neurological spectrum for so many guys. Despite what you think, you are not alone.

https://www.amazon.com/Dating-Dummies-Joy-Browne/dp/0470892056

 

[Markness]

There are loads of pickup artist books out there. What are you talking about?

Personally I'm not a fan, but they're literally everywhere.

I meant more like books for men like me: shy and socially isolated who want to bond instead of being “playas.”

 

[Markness]

I feel like whenever I don’t date, my chances at love decrease even more. I am also getting older all the time.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Markness

Calrid is mistaken. "Society" is a collective, and it doesn't care about individuals unless they belong to a specific category identified by the collective decision-making process; politics.

When you see a major political effort to help people in your situation, you can assume that "society" cares. Right now, it absolutely does not. For you, expecting help from the collective is naive.
I also invite you to consider how that would work: there would need to be a process to oblige members of your target genetics and gender to choose you over all possible alternatives. This kind of coercion is currently extremely unpopular, and generally illegal.

What you need to do is improve your social skills. It's a long and difficult path, but if you want to achieve this particular objective, you should get started.

You may have noticed how little of the "advice" in this thread (and the many others on the site) is actionable.
This is more-or-less true in "NT land" as well, which is why it's hard to get any useful instruction e.g. off the web.

The "join a club or common interest group" is by far the best general advice. It works, and is readily actionable.

Ask yourself (right now, don't skip away / avoid): Why haven't I already done it?"

Note that e.g. "I don't have any interests" is avoidance.
You'd already be at least "functioning beginner" at something, and connected to others with that interest, if you'd started a year or two ago.

I expect you need to work on your social skills too, but again, you need to get started.
By far the easiest way to work up your skills is to talk about an existing common interest with other people This is why "join a hobby/activity group" is extremely good advice - you get both low-threshold contacts and natural topics for conversation.

A thought for you:
I am quite good at all this stuff compared to ASD1 norms (if there is such a thing
I came to this site thinking I could help a little, but I've found there's no real interest in taking action. I suspect people's impulse to stay in their "comfort zone" is too strong. Anyway I've abandoned that goal.
BTW I've run a couple of "experiments" with NTs too, with the same result. It seems to be extremely difficult to bridge the NT<->ND communication gap

FWIW, here's something I wrote yesterday that might give you some perspective. Third post here:
https://www.autismforums.com/thread...-me-because-i-am-different.41168/#post-893040
That simple technique, and one or two others like it, are enough to break the "social isolation cage" with NTs at events like family gatherings, where participants encouraged to talk to others (the "first contact" threshold s very low ). A bit of prep and practice with open questions Is not sufficient on its own, but it's a big step forward.
The effect the OP in that thread described (getting written off by other people because he chooses not to participate) is natural, and it's neither unreasonable nor unfair.

AFAIK we're 0.5% of humanity. We are not a priority for the other 99.5%, and we're not politically active, so that won't change soon. Right now, we cannot expect everyone else to "learn to speak Aspie", and break through the isolation barrier on our terms.

 

[Neytiri]

I am 33 years old, I work part time, I still live with my mother for a myriad of reasons, I’ve graduated high school with only some college as extra education but I don’t have a degree, and I am generally socially isolated because most of the socialization that happens in my area is at bars. I am really just tired of going to my room alone after a daily slog and not have someone to be there for me as well as I for her.

I’ve tried different avenues to break out of my rut but they don’t ever succeed for me. I fear that I’ve either fallen too far behind socially to even get a coffee date or that there is a cutoff age to dating and I had it happen to me a long time ago.

Just how can I get a date despite my situation if it’s still possible?

I understand that getting out there can be very nerve wracking but you can choose places that you can feel comfortable. For example: I love music and I took singing clases, drum class and belly dance when I was in my dating stage. I finally met my husband in our congregation , but he also liked to play guitar and he played it while I sing. I did not have a clue that he liked me but he was the one doing the first move and I was surprised because I thought that he didn’t like me. The story of my life, not being able to recognize people’s intentions. Right now, even though I am not dating, I visit the library regularly, art museums , camping trips because I have a son and I have to get out there. Look for places that you look comfortable to be and then make a move to chit chat. My husband like me because said that I was very opinionated and assertive. Don’t be afraid to be yourself

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

For a start you do not need a degree to be educated. I spent a great deal of time watching lectures Great courses,
just discovered U-tube, love the scientists putting their stuff on here better then old style magazines as I am a visual person.
Second you got to get into a target rich environment, not your mothers place I left a room rented a house rented rooms meet my wife.
Also what can you offer her, not what can she do for you. when I meet my wife she had a crappy job I showed her how to upgrade, years latter she now has two college diploma's worked in bank retired at the top of the pay grade. You have to think of it as a partnership or in other words put a plan together and then work the plan. My son did not want to meet bar flies the conventional method of meeting woman. Not being a university grad, he was looking for a brighter woman so put a plan together, my youngest son's plan was to take a course on being a tour guide for Toronto met one woman had relationship for a while, fell apart, repeated, met second woman now he is engaged to woman with a PHD exactly what he was looking for an educated woman. he put a plan together worked his plan. That's how you do things, not sit back expecting them to come to you. what do you have that would attract somebody my son and I both have sense of humour the woman like, fortunately I am more attractive than typical so you use what you have to the best of your ability.

 

[tree]

I really wish there were books for men in my situation. I really want a relationship but I can’t even get a simple coffee date. Does society just not care for my plight at all?

This *coffee date* thing.

Great for people who already know each other and are comfortable
hanging out across a table from each other with the only activity
being drinking coffee. Maybe having a doughnut or cookie. No
other readily discernible engaging factors.

Not so great for people who have little to no friendly history.
What is there to do on a *coffee date* that would be compelling?
Aside from the fact of sharing air space briefly (being with another person).

There are so many other ways to be with another person.

Ways that don't have an undercurrent of *Suppose I pay for your time
by offering a hot brown liquid to drink. Will that be enough for you
to bestow upon me your brief attention?*

 

[Matthias]

The "join a club or common interest group" is by far the best general advice. It works, and is readily actionable.

Ask yourself (right now, don't skip away / avoid): Why haven't I already done it?"

Note that e.g. "I don't have any interests" is avoidance.

Some of us truly don't have any interests we can share with others. If we did, most of us would have already found a club or interest group.

I am quite good at all this stuff compared to ASD1 norms (if there is such a thing
I came to this site thinking I could help a little, but I've found there's no real interest in taking action. I suspect people's impulse to stay in their "comfort zone" is too strong. Anyway I've abandoned that goal.

It's common for people who are socially isolated for months or years to become depressed which makes taking action much more difficult. Depression can also cause people to lose interest in things they previously enjoyed and end up not having any interests or not being able to experience any enjoyment out of them. It's likely @Markness is depressed and advice that is easy to follow when you're not depressed can be difficult or impossible to follow when you're depressed.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Matthias

Part 1

I directly addressed your first comment in my post. It's an "avoidant" answer.

OFC you're not obliged to align your special interests to other people.
In fact it's a valid exercise of free choice to socially avoid everyone else on the planet. I wouldn't criticize that.

But if so, you can't be unhappy about the direct and inexorable consequences, which include never finding a romantic partner.

The advice given in this thread is to look at things from the other direction:

Objective: I have a life goal to find a romantic partner
Necessary milestone: I must interact with other people

Options:
a) Continue with current behaviors, which are known not to achieve the primary objective. Inaction is failure
b) Change something.
For case (b), some effective and easily actioned advice has been given: engage in an activity that is likely to put you in social contact with other people, including potential romantic partners. Example: take some cooking classes; join a hiking group; take up horse riding (much less easily actioned, but the F/M split is likely to be extremely favorable).

Again:
Everyone has a right to be anti-social. You even have a right to simultaneously complain about not achieving social objectives, provided you're reasonably polite about it.

But nobody has a right to a romantic partner, and one won't be found by avoiding people.


Part 2

Clearly @Markness has other issues. This is actually specified in a different post.

But that doesn't change the analysis in Part 1. It just adds some more milestones.

Inaction means failure.

 

[Knower of nothing]

You don't need to be wrong about what you say for your advice to be inapplicable.

 

[Jeepcarpenter]

Look, this probably doesn’t help but I am trying to..

You have to realize first and foremost that this is going to hurt. No sugar coating, no dancing around it.. whether you find someone or not, it -is- going to hurt. As long as you recognize that, then just get out there and try..

I see a ton of good advice here, trying is the biggest most important ingredient. And bars are not really the place to try, more often better suited to the propect of a brief fling and nothing more.. love is not usually the reason people go to bars, companions in drink and escapism is the more common theme.

I met quite a few women in bars in my twenties and thirties but honestly, I came across more relationship prospects just leading daily life and following my own interests.. albeit daft of flirts and initiations but had I not needed it pointed out to me, places like cooking classes, programming, massage, food courts, grocery stores, shopping malls, dog parks, nature preserves and forests, trails, work..

And yet I found my wife from the simple act of a blind date.. the connection was there from the beginning but it needed a lot of attention from both of us in order to turn into what it is now.. and though I still look at it that I make her life worse and her of mine, better.. she see’s it in entirely the same manner as if she were speaking those same words. We both are entirely different and yet the same as well.. and probably the only place we would have found each other, would have been a video store when they were still around..

Don’t focus so much on making it happen but rather get out there and live, do the things you want to do, get out there and learn or try the things you’ve wanted to.. your passions and failures will keep opening doors for you.. you just gotta hope that you’re there when opportunity arises.

Edit: Post #47 from @Slim_Jim is actually pretty decent advice, as with others -if- you make a connection with someone but the only way to increase chances of finding the chance of a connection is simply to get out there and try, make conversation over weather, an interest, something (small talk sucks).

Take the opportunity to do so, whenever you think you’d like to meet someone if that -is- what you want. Don’t be trying for love, don’t get hung up on expectation or disappointment, just try to meet new people, make new friends, hopefully with shared interests.. and even if a relationship doesn’t seem feasible, maybe your new friend has a friend that is looking for a friend of relationship.. if you don’t try, success and failure stay around the same.. if you try at every chance you get, failure rate may be fairly high.. but it’s increasing the chance of success.. as it goes, you can’t win if you don’t try.

 

[Markness]

This *coffee date* thing.

Great for people who already know each other and are comfortable
hanging out across a table from each other with the only activity
being drinking coffee. Maybe having a doughnut or cookie. No
other readily discernible engaging factors.

Not so great for people who have little to no friendly history.
What is there to do on a *coffee date* that would be compelling?
Aside from the fact of sharing air space briefly (being with another person).

There are so many other ways to be with another person.

Ways that don't have an undercurrent of *Suppose I pay for your time
by offering a hot brown liquid to drink. Will that be enough for you
to bestow upon me your brief attention?*

I thought coffee dates were the first level of romance. They aren’t?

 

[tree]

I thought coffee dates were the first level of romance. They aren’t?

Seems like a remarkably painful way to attempt engaging with another person.

Very formal and awkward.

I'd rather a person asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Where ever. Fill in your
own location. Then you could be side to side, instead of facing each other,
and you have the action of walking in common. And seeing things.

Right here, where I am, I ask if somebody wants to go up the road
to see the yaks, or the horses, or down the road to look at the ponds,
for example.