Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[kenaij]

I mean surely at 70-80 its pretty much over.

Even at that age you could still fall in love. Sure you probably won`t get married. You won`t have kids. But you can still get into a loving relationship with someone. To sit besides eachother and watch old pictures. A movie. Sit on a bench in the park together.
The cutoff is death. Any second before that something wonderful can happen to you.
(and I actually do have a true story as an example but that is not related to this topic)

 

[Jordy]

Even at that age you could still fall in love. Sure you probably won`t get married. You won`t have kids. But you can still get into a loving relationship with someone. To sit besides eachother and watch old pictures. A movie. Sit on a bench in the park together.
The cutoff is death. Any second before that something wonderful can happen to you.
(and I actually do have a true story as an example but that is not related to this topic)

Yeah but at that point your entire life is already behind you, and you will be overwhelmed by the painful reflection you could have had this before and didnt have to rot away in loneliness for decades.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Even at that age you could still fall in love. Sure you probably won`t get married. You won`t have kids. But you can still get into a loving relationship with someone. To sit besides eachother and watch old pictures. A movie. Sit on a bench in the park together.
The cutoff is death. Any second before that something wonderful can happen to you.
(and I actually do have a true story as an example but that is not related to this topic)

At 73 most would consider me a geezer ready for the grave, yet I still feel prepared for life, and in the future, should I lose my spouse, i will still be capable of a loving relationship. Affection is not a zero-sum game.

 

[kenaij]

Yeah but at that point your entire life is already behind you, and you will be overwhelmed by the painful reflection you could have had this before and didnt have to rot away in loneliness for decades.

I can see that is a way of looking at it. It's just a matter of glass half full/empty I guess.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yeah but at that point your entire life is already behind you, and you will be overwhelmed by the painful reflection you could have had this before and didnt have to rot away in loneliness for decades.

In the midst of happiness, why would i want to reflect upon life's hurts except to marvel how far I have come.

Long ago when I was lonely I decided that I did not want to be torn by regret and that gave me the courage to grow and start engaging with life and dating. I do have one regret, though . . . I have only been intimate with one woman and I sometimes regret that I was unable to explore sexuality with a variety of women, but then I think back at how much I have grown and offer that regret to the heavens.

 

[eg3210]

I am turning 34 this August and despite my best efforts to bring romance into my life, I have failed to even get a coffee date. I really wish I knew the reason or reasons why and if it’s possible for me to make up for lost time for almost 16 years now.

There IS definitely time. I met my wife at 34 or 35. Honestly a 30-somthing with no kids or baby mama in the picture can be attractive and rare.

Some posts suggest that you have to change to be attractive and that's flat out wrong. You just need to find someone who is accepting of you. I work a part-time minimum wage job and most of the people I work with live with parents or similar situations and some of them are married and still live there.

If you haven't tried online dating yet give it a go. If you are already on line and haven't gotten anywhere, then I suggest having someone look over your profile. Be honest, mention that you are shy or can be awkward around people initially, but don't go into any detail about diagnosis or anything, that's for a little later.
Also a large percentage of women still feel that they need to be asked or reached out to first (at least in my experience) so make sure you sure you reach out and ask.

Classes are great for meeting people if you have the confidence to ask. I've only asked out a couple people in person. It has always been easier for me to do it online, mostly because I know they are also looking to meet someone.

It takes work and facing rejection a lot. It can be hard to deal with, but I guarantee it's not too late or impossible.

 

[frogking]

none can be helped beyond their limitations

 

[kenaij]

none can be helped beyond their limitations

One might not have truly discovered their limitations though ;-)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have seen too many self imposed limitations here. People not living in the moment, who let expectations and their ego get in the way of connection. Before I had any success I had to learn to submerge my ego, to embrace being vulnerable. And let's face it, being vulnerable to the possibility of a NO, is scary. (added) And, many people, especially those with egos tied up to hearing a YES are going to take things personally and internalize the wrong lesson

 

[kenaij]

I have seen too many self imposed limitations here. People not living in the moment, who let expectations and their ego get in the way of connection. Before I had any success I had to learn to submerge my ego, to embrace being vulnerable. And let's face it, being vulnerable to the possibility of a NO, is scary. (added) And, many people, especially those with egos tied up to hearing a YES are going to take things personally and internalize the wrong lesson

I totally agree. The limitations I was refering to were true limitations. Self imposed limitations COULD potentially be overcome.
It also comes down to thinking you really want something and actually being ready for the thing you think you want. I have had that for many years when I was younger. Tried dating many times. But always chickened out. Until I met my wife. She was the first person I met who I was truly prepared for to give myself to.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I totally agree. The limitations I was refering to were true limitations. Self imposed limitations COULD potentially be overcome.
It also comes down to thinking you really want something and actually being ready for the thing you think you want. I have had that for many years when I was younger. Tried dating many times. But always chickened out. Until I met my wife. She was the first person I met who I was truly prepared for to give myself to.

That is so nice! I've had a similar experience. When I got into my first relationship, i was so inexperienced that I did not know, or was not prepared to be vulnerable to take things past an innocent intimacy. Plus we were not compatible. When I met my spouse, as we carpooled to a Sierra Club project, it was an intense 4 days on the road. She was hoping to meet a man she could do outdoor activities with and I was hoping for the same in a woman. We hit it off and enjoyed ourselves so much that it felt normal to be vulnerable to her when i asked if she would like to make love (though my aspie mind initially panicked at being that bold). The rest is history and we have had 45 years of adventures.

 

[kenaij]

That is so nice! I've had a similar experience. When I got into my first relationship, i was so inexperienced that I did not know, or was not prepared to be vulnerable to take things past an innocent intimacy. Plus we were not compatible. When I met my spouse, as we carpooled to a Sierra Club project, it was an intense 4 days on the road. She was hoping to meet a man she could do outdoor activities with and I was hoping for the same in a woman. We hit it off and enjoyed ourselves so much that it felt normal to be vulnerable to her when i asked if she would like to make love (though my aspie mind initially panicked at being that bold). The rest is history and we have had 45 years of adventures.

Yeah. For years I thought I wanted a girlfriend and it would solve everything. It came close to desperation. There were plenty of girls interested. But most got turned down when getting to know me. As many people here we offer something quite unique to like. But the ones that cared more about looks and less about personality stayed around a little longer. But everytime the first kiss happened or it felt to serious I panicked and stepped away abruptly. My wife and I didn`t start out being attracted to eachother before we actually got to know eachother. We set out to be friends and both felt a really serious connection. We both have few friends and both never had a serious relationship. After about 6 or 7 weeks we both kind of figured out "this might be it" By that time the physical attraction had also started. And we just connected as a couple because first and formost we were such good friends. It made opening up so much easier.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yeah. For years I thought I wanted a girlfriend and it would solve everything. It came close to desperation. There were plenty of girls interested. But most got turned down when getting to know me. As many people here we offer something quite unique to like. But the ones that cared more about looks and less about personality stayed around a little longer. But everytime the first kiss happened or it felt to serious I panicked and stepped away abruptly. My wife and I didn`t start out being attracted to eachother before we actually got to know eachother. We set out to be friends and both felt a really serious connection. We both have few friends and both never had a serious relationship. After about 6 or 7 weeks we both kind of figured out "this might be it" By that time the physical attraction had also started. And we just connected as a couple because first and formost we were such good friends. It made opening up so much easier.

So very true! Starting out as friends just made our relationship deeper. I said my mind panicked when I first asked her to make love (and me a virgin at 28). She patiently, and kindly, explained that we were taking our friendship to a greater level. That helped me focus upon her. She really fell for me when, unlike other guys, I was attentive to her pleasure. The deep friendship also allowed us to grow together as a couple.

 

[tree]

@Gerald Wilgus

Were you acquainted with her at all, before the road trip?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Gerald Wilgus

Were you acquainted with her at all, before the road trip?

The trip leader sent out a roster and suggested people car pool. I was going to be near Chicago fossil collecting before the outing, so went way out of my comfort zone and called her without knowing her. We talked over more than a month about gear and training. The day I met her, staying on her couch overnight before we left, I was in a strip mine collecting and the heavens opened up turning things into a festival of mud. I showed up at her doorstep wet and filthy and she didn't call the police. A good start.

 

[kenaij]

The trip leader sent out a roster and suggested people car pool. I was going to be near Chicago fossil collecting before the outing, so went way out of my comfort zone and called her without knowing her. We talked over more than a month about gear and training. The day I met her, staying on her couch overnight before we left, I was in a strip mine collecting and the heavens opened up turning things into a festival of mud. I showed up at her doorstep wet and filthy and she didn't call the police. A good start.

I really like your story.
I hope the OP will find himself into a situation similar to ours in the not so distant future when he is ready.
And I agree fully with what you say about being attentive to your partners pleasure. That is one of the most important things. To be able to put yourself aside in situations and only think about them. (in a healthy manner ofcourse, and not 100% of the time. It should be two sided)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I really like your story.
I hope the OP will find himself into a situation similar to ours in the not so distant future when he is ready.
And I agree fully with what you say about being attentive to your partners pleasure. That is one of the most important things. To be able to put yourself aside in situations and only think about them. (in a healthy manner ofcourse, and not 100% of the time. It should be two sided)

I agree. Approaching things with a little lust is fun too. I may not have been my spouse's first, but I was the last lover she wanted.

Before I took enjoyment in who I was, matured some basic social skills, I was not ready for a relationship, much less, sexual intimacy.

 

[Markness]

I used to think that by now I would at least be in a long term relationship. The fact that I don’t scares me.

 

[tree]

Nothing like a scary story to make a person feel bad.

The fact of being single is not, in and of itself, frightening.
It's what you tell yourself about the fact that is scaring you.

 

[Markness]

Nothing like a scary story to make a person feel bad.

The fact of being single is not, in and of itself, frightening.
It's what you tell yourself about the fact that is scaring you.

I’m not getting any younger and my efforts haven’t given me the results I’ve wanted.