Demisexual - being a better friend

[cberg]

The biggest threads on [thatOtherAutismForum] right now are about love as a "deal". I don't see this as any kind of transaction. If the ideas on this forum aren't elevating your mind, disregard them. I'm posting this thread because I feel good about loving someone, not because inadequacies prevent me from loving her more. I'm only physically attracted to someone capable of understanding my mind. Without that understanding I'm lost. If I'm lost for now, so be it, that's not permanent either.

Chill out & appreciate each other.

 

[H-Kath]

What's meant by love as a "deal?"

 

[cberg]

People were talking about "deal breakers" & so on, so I thought I might clarify a different thought process.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Having "Deal breakers" doesn't mean you think of love as a deal, it's a phase used to indicate what things you absolutely won't accept in a partner. Everyone has them. Having boundaries and knowing what you are and aren't attracted to is important.

 

[Isadoorian]

Having "Deal breakers" doesn't mean you think of love as a deal, it's a phase used to indicate what things you absolutely won't accept in a partner. Everyone has them. Having boundaries and knowing what you are and aren't attracted to is important.

I tried to explain it earlier, but my mind was drawing a huge blank and you put it perfectly.

 

[Isadoorian]

As NTSH said, it's not a literal "Deal" so to speak. For example, a relationship dealbreaker for myself would be someone who has kids or wants to have kids in to future, as I'm Childfree and don't want children in my life whatsoever, and prefer someone with the same mindset regarding children as myself.

 

[shysnail]

I also don't see deal-breakers as a phrase meaning that you're seeing your relationship as a deal. It's just boundary-drawing, which is incredibly important. There's love and attraction, which is great, but there's also sustaining a relationship, which is where the work comes in, and part of that is knowing what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. That's healthy, not transactional.

 

[cberg]

Um, OK. I think there's a commonplace boundary shared by billions that's systematically excluding us from this part of everyone's lives. I didn't intend my thread to be taken so literally. Lots of people are treating each other & particularly raw "deals" like myself as replaceable since dating apps essentially display people as trading cards.

 

[shysnail]

Oh, okay. I think I understand you a bit better now. Your language confused me before.

In which case, yes, I agree. The whole Tinder swiping (left/right? I don't know) to just dismiss someone, yes, that doesn't really appeal to me either. I think it's important that people should try and see everyone as full human beings as much as possible.

I think dating is often difficult for autistic people for a whole number of reasons, but I think that society's inherent ableism that bleeds through into basically everything is a big part of it.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I didn't intend my thread to be taken so literally

Mate, you're on an autism forum

I'm not sure I agree with your point (if I am understanding it correctly). I don't think dating apps have made people seem any more replaceable... I think it has made the first selection stage (e.g. swiping left or right in tinder) more superficial, and meeting new people easier, but not that people are any more likely to "trade in" someone they are not compatible with. I suppose it may give that impression because it takes longer to figure out if you are compatible with someone over the internet than in real life, leading to people committing more time to an incompatible partner online when in real life it would only take 1 date to figure out it's not going to work. This could lead the the other partner feeling let down/that they've been led on. On the other hand it gives the opportunity to really get to know a person well online and see past the superficial, when on a date the person may not get that chance. I think online dating can be a great thing for people who maybe struggle socially.

Anyway, yes for a great many people lack of social competence, lack of independence, lack of employment etc. (e.g. traits that are more likely in autistic than NT people) are dealbreakers.

 

[cberg]

I posted this thread because I feel like the people I love most have stereotyped me into oblivion.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Well that sucks. Some people are assholes and some are idiots, such is life. Maybe you would benefit from examining why you keep ending up loving people who stereotype you, and re-thinking your own boundaries.

 

[cberg]

I certainly wouldn't characterize them that way. I think it's more important to discuss some different boundaries of mine with them because I'm demisexual on good days & undefined otherwise. I only trust women who know me, I'm amazed they can communicate with a guy like myself at all & I want them to know I value them even if they misinterpreted me.

 

[cberg]

Oh, okay. I think I understand you a bit better now. Your language confused me before.

In which case, yes, I agree. The whole Tinder swiping (left/right? I don't know) to just dismiss someone, yes, that doesn't really appeal to me either. I think it's important that people should try and see everyone as full human beings as much as possible.

I think dating is often difficult for autistic people for a whole number of reasons, but I think that society's inherent ableism that bleeds through into basically everything is a big part of it.

This is a theory of mind problem among all of us. Diagnosis is seen as a segregating factor that an individual can't transcend. I want women in my life to know I love them no matter how much my brain malfunctions. I think we're only keeping each other at arms length out of uninformed fear & obviously, for me at least, fear is pointless. I treat every day like it could be last on this planet. I'm not alive just so I can reinforce the stereotype about geeks like me being cold & aloof. I'm writing about people I love unconditionally & they don't understand yet.

 

[GadAbout]

Regardless of how much you love some woman, there's no guarantee they will love you back. That's too bad, but that's the way things are.

You can rationalize that they are stereotyping you, but maybe it's as simple as "I don't feel great when I spend time with cberg" or even "he doesn't float my boat."

You can rue that they don't understand how much you love them, but maybe they don't want to know. Or maybe they do understand, but knowing they can never reciprocate the feeling, they are uncomfortable being around you.

 

[cberg]

I'm not comfortable around people at all anyway. Plainly, I'm bad at this. It takes me years to trust someone at all.

So you're basically saying there's a biological schism around me none of us can ever cross?

 

[GadAbout]

I'm not comfortable around people at all anyway. Plainly, I'm bad at this. It takes me years to trust someone at all.

So you're basically saying there's a biological schism around me none of us can ever cross?

No, I did not say that.

You won't like this answer, but if you want people in your life (and you're clearly ambivalent about that), you need to develop some relationship skills and dating skills. Trial and error, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and all that.

 

[cberg]

I don't think the popular ideal of trial & error rings true for a guy like me. I don't see people as fodder for my social experiments.

 

[cberg]

You won't like this answer, but if you want people in your life (and you're clearly ambivalent about that), you need to develop some relationship skills and dating skills.

I'm not ambivalent about people in the slightest. I'm told I care too much & as a guy I guess that comes off as saccharine or disingenuous. I don't see this as a set of skills governed by unwritten rules, it's just that I love people & it looks weird.

 

[cberg]

I don't want to “gameify“ anyone's life.