Demisexual - being a better friend

[All-Rounder]

I have considered polyamory after I had cheated, but really, that was my way of cowardness of not trying and not changing, blaming my human nature and claiming that it's who I am.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Oh no! no no! Polyamory is the thing for people who don't value love and commitment, not for auties, in my opinion. I could never trust a polyamorous person neither friend them sincerely. Whether its a cult thing, a low self esteem issue, a giving up problem, a narc thing or schizo belief, polyamory is a hoax against humans who want to be mature.

Wow, what a horrible and ignorant thing to say. This is in no way an accurate description of any of the polyamorous people I know, or of the ethical non-monogamy community in general. In fact they general value love and commitment very highly, and they have some of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen. Just because it's not right for you, doesn't mean it's not right for other people.

 

[All-Rounder]

Yeah, but Im not ignorant, I can't help that I don't think highly of people who enter this sort of thing, I think humans need to strive for much more than that, plus if they don't want commitment it's their choice especially if they do it with all parts knowing and try to work it out, but I also don't think highly of people who don't strive for commitment, love, don't seriously consider loved ones' feelings, or want to have a good time with more than one person just for a fill of needs, and I think its cruel since jealousy will actually be involved as a real theme, more than just insecurity, things actually happen and all agreeing parts will feel it, as well as from experience it's not a community I want/could comfortably and really be around. I value a lot my friends' beliefs and if they are not kind and valuable I have a hard time feeling real and comfortable with them, it doesn't work out.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

You claim you are not ignorant and yet you seem to not understand what polyamory is. Your comments about lack of commitment (polyamorous relationships can be just as committed as monogamous relationships) and not considering loved ones' feelings (polyamoury only works well when everyone involved communicates honestly and completely considers the feelings of everyone involved) make that very clear.

It's totally fine to want a monogamous relationship, polyamoury doesn't suit the vast majority of people (in my anecdotal experience people who consider poly after cheating or are basically looking for an excuse to cheat are generally utterly terrible at it), but judging people just because they have a different relationship style, because they pursue love and commitment and happiness in a different way from you, that's just horrid. It's also not the sort of attitude I want in my inbox, so I'm exiting this conversation.

 

[OrangeSquash]

I love the title of this thread

 

[All-Rounder]

Ok.

Im trying to see stuff logically for a good opinion for myself.

Hmm. It's similar in a way, it's still giving up needs, the need of having a partner all to yourself vs the need of having multiple partners. Its kind of a choice.

There may be more to give up when everyone gives up their needs for having exclusivity, but everyone is just their own person. And having a deep one on one relationship is really a big deal to let go of, but its a big sacrifice for another need, bigamy. Then why would people need bigamy more than a whole connection to one person? Because people are different. But why would someone even want a whole connection with someone who sacrifices it to have multiple connections? No, because they too sacrifice it, and then it's equal and actually what they all want.

Is it cruel, then? Not too much if it's what they truly prefer. Is it healthy? Can be even though I don't get it, why would they be jealous then? Maybe not overly if it's truly what they want, more like the attraction monogamous people feel towards others but don't care about it/work it out. I can only picture it working out for a few real bigamous honest people, who don't use this to cope with their issues, but natively believe in it and truly want all of it.

 

[All-Rounder]

If my boyfriend would be bothered by something, I would go to great lengths to assure hes happy and the issue is resolved for good, so with jealousy they will be limited in sacrificing but able to put in work to make the person feel better, and give them equal attention compared to the others. Issue is if this jealousy becomes unhealthy, harbors a desire for monogamy and causes the person to become hostile towards the others, or to compete with the others to be the prefered partner. it can result in difficult situations for all parties. I can imagine it being exhausting, negative and very hard until issues are all worked out. I would guess a less sensitive/needy-of-these-things person is preferred to maintain a healthy group lifestyle.

Ive been in two of such situations, one is being a mistress to a married man and one agreeing to a period of time where the guy expected all of us to just be with him and he will decide whom he will ultimately choose. Both have failed miserably for me because both men have been narcs and not truly cared about what we needed or if we were being happy. This is an attractive lifestyle for narcs but they're really bad at working it out, and good at not telling the whole truth.

 

[All-Rounder]

When one judges others for judging others and then they get judged for judging and then the cycle never ends and they judged each other happily ever after until judging stopped due to a crack in the universal blanket and was no longer part of their judging life, because judgement stopped being and then they had to just live without choices and mistakes and then their whole life was a mistake they didn't previously judge for... That day was judging them continuously into obligations.

 

[cberg]

I mainly just referenced polyamory because that's how a lot of people's lives appear to someone like me who can't exactly keep track of a bunch of partners. I'm a people person so to speak, I'm just also demisexual bordering on asexual so I'm trying to stay receptive to all these random taboos; it keeps my mind in a social place, at least a bit.

 

[cberg]

I think I have a very generalized & aggregated idea of commitment. I don't feel comfortable fully relating to new people without checking in on everyone I already know so I can gain perspective. People close to me are kind of my eyes & ears in social terms.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I came from the AVEN (asexuality.org) forums, and am a Gray-A.

There, I spoke to many asexual, demisexual, and Gray-A people.

I support and respect you, cberg. Demisexuality is highly valid, and if you ask me, quite beautiful!

However you find happiness, in this world, I want it, for you, and for everyone else reading this!

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I'm asexual and polyamorous

 

[cberg]

I hold a lot of respect for everyone's various opinions on these topics because I don't get a lot of time with anyone close to me personally.

Why thanks. I think it can be worked out even if you can't be everything, or even much of what someone wants you to be. That's actually relationships.

I never asked for such a thing no matter how low the amount of attention ever was in my relationships and I dated a lot of 'dysfunctional' people, even abusive ones. So I expect the same from someone who adds seriosity, to take the responsibility, communicate and grow so that we can be the best that we can together and understand the lacks but not break because of them or seek for them elsewhere. Thats commitment.

I've been thinking in fairly similar terms lately. The more I consider how well people know me, the more I want to relax my expectations towards them because their being NT or just more social in general doesn't prevent them having a hard time with these things too. I'm not sure my compatibility with anyone is related at all to how much I love them.

 

[cberg]

I came from the AVEN (asexuality.org) forums, and am a Gray-A.

There, I spoke to many asexual, demisexual, and Gray-A people.

I support and respect you, cberg. Demisexuality is highly valid, and if you ask me, quite beautiful!

However you find happiness, in this world, I want it, for you, and for everyone else reading this!

I can't say I've thought this far into such identities. My thinking on these topics is esoteric & abstract.

 

[All-Rounder]

I mainly just referenced polyamory because that's how a lot of people's lives appear to someone like me who can't exactly keep track of a bunch of partners. I'm a people person so to speak, I'm just also demisexual bordering on asexual so I'm trying to stay receptive to all these random taboos; it keeps my mind in a social place, at least a bit.

I read auties actually adapt so to speak to each person for things to work out, unlike nts who just 'know' how to behave or work it out easier/naturally.

Im impressed of your acceptance and open-mindedness, I think it's something few people can do. I would guess you did a lot of work on your own self.

 

[All-Rounder]

I've been thinking in fairly similar terms lately. The more I consider how well people know me, the more I want to relax my expectations towards them because their being NT or just more social in general doesn't prevent them having a hard time with these things too. I'm not sure my compatibility with anyone is related at all to how much I love them.

That is beautiful. Indeed, no one is faultless/perfect. And this type of thinking lets you have healthy emotions as well, rather than bad ones, if negatives ever occur at some point

 

[All-Rounder]

I think I have a very generalized & aggregated idea of commitment. I don't feel comfortable fully relating to new people without checking in on everyone I already know so I can gain perspective. People close to me are kind of my eyes & ears in social terms.

That's very honest and explanatory. Do you manage to understand their views if they explain?

 

[Pinkie B]

Hi @cberg!

I only got through the first page of posts but I just had to say, you sound SO MUCH like my boyfriend! I love him dearly and he is my Joy and Everything Good in my life. I am aspie and he is pretty NT, although he might actually be an undiagnosed empath. He is very emotional and it's something that I enjoy about him. I love that he is capable of feeling deeply and passionately because it's something that I can related to and it makes me feel alive.

When we first met he was in the process of breaking up with a girl who was taking advantage of him and basically cheating on him while not paying rent, or something like that. Most of his past relationships have been something of this flavor and so I get some of the stories mixed up. Anyway, he's from the American South, but he's not a big burly manly man and he's had his share of abuse because of it. Often he'll tell me how he's disgusted by how shallow people can be, writing him off because he's not a beer-chugging, tobacco-spitting, overall-wearing, sausage-swinging...you get the idea.

ANYWAY! He always tells me that he wants a relationship that he can be totally committed to and know that his partner is totally committed to him, and he doesn't want it to be about sex or money or any of those things. He just wants to love and be loved.

And I think that's what you sound like you're saying.

I think you two would understand each other very well.

All that said, he and I don't understand each other very well. We've had to learn to speak each other's languages and it's been through many meltdown scream fights that we've come to where we are. After we both calm down and talk about it we realize that almost every single time one or both of us was misunderstanding what the other meant because he's not very precise and I'm very literal and both of us will just be silent and not say anything if we are overwhelmed and don't know what to say, and then both of us will get upset because we interpret it to mean that the other is upset.

So, many people here are telling you that you just have to accept that your love isn't being reciprocated, but maybe you're like my boyfriend and I? Maybe your love IS being reciprocated, but like us, the messages just keep flying over your head?

Anyway, I think it's ok to want what you want. I think it's ok to hope that you'll find it one day. Maybe that's your boundary? That you want to be loved for who you are and have your emotions understood and reciprocated? I don't think that's so much to ask for.

 

[Pinkie B]

...I just want to catch more big air on my bike & skis before I finally shower so I can hug my friends again.

OMG!!!! YOU SHOULD JOIN OUR CLUB!!!!!

(We don't actually have a club. You just basically described my boyfriend and I perfectly. So if you join, we'll be a club.)

 

[Pinkie B]

....Oh no! no no! Polyamory is the thing for people who don't value love and commitment, not for auties, in my opinion. I could never trust a polyamorous person neither friend them sincerely. Whether its a cult thing, a low self esteem issue, a giving up problem, a narc thing or schizo belief, polyamory is a hoax against humans who want to be mature.

Hi @Rexi ,

I don't think you meant to be mean, but what you're saying here about polyamory is very ignorant. I identify as polyamorous and I could go into a very long book explaining why it is right for me. But instead of doing that, I'm going to direct you to one of the MANY online resources for understanding polyamory: https://www.quora.com/profile/Noël-Lynne-Figart

This lady lays it out plain and clear. And one of the things she is known for is explaining how good polyamory practices are just good relationship practices.

On a forum meant to support people who are stereotyped and maligned by the greater majority just because they don't understand, I think it behooves us to try not to do exactly that to others that we don't understand.

....just tacking on another comment instead of making another post: I think in your later posts you tried to clarify where you were coming from and I think you were successful. The relationships you described with the "narcs" is definitely not polyamory, and I think that's where the confusion came from. Still, I recommend you read more about it because it's quite beautiful.