Demisexual - being a better friend

[All-Rounder]

Hi @Rexi ,

I don't think you meant to be mean, but what you're saying here about polyamory is very ignorant. I identify as polyamorous and I could go into a very long book explaining why it is right for me. But instead of doing that, I'm going to direct you to one of the MANY online resources for understanding polyamory: https://www.quora.com/profile/Noël-Lynne-Figart

This lady lays it out plain and clear. And one of the things she is known for is explaining how good polyamory practices are just good relationship practices.

On a forum meant to support people who are stereotyped and maligned by the greater majority just because they don't understand, I think it behooves us to try not to do exactly that to others that we don't understand.

....just tacking on another comment instead of making another post: I think in your later posts you tried to clarify where you were coming from and I think you were successful. The relationships you described with the "narcs" is definitely not polyamory, and I think that's where the confusion came from. Still, I recommend you read more about it because it's quite beautiful.

The link on her profile gives an error. Why does she say she's a feminist?

 

[All-Rounder]

The issue wasn't that I hadn't read about it, it was that I hadn't thought about it in a truly thorough way to see all sides understandingly, and then there is the trust factor. Emotionally someone who wishes to not love a single person could easily be misjudged and feared, or felt like theyre not being treated right and abused of their feelings and trust is pretty impossible there.

A high amount of the worst people get into such things and imagining it i feel id feel adversity when switching to touching another person romantically after i have touched someone else that way. That means theres something wrong with it. I don't easily believe in happiness in such states bc i know abused people cant tell if its wonderful or horrible, but a long term stable such a relationship would be a good one

 

[cberg]

OMG!!!! YOU SHOULD JOIN OUR CLUB!!!!!

(We don't actually have a club. You just basically described my boyfriend and I perfectly. So if you join, we'll be a club.)

I've been meaning to build one of my park bike frame into an old school trials machine. Maybe you could suggest some cool parts?

 

[cberg]

So, many people here are telling you that you just have to accept that your love isn't being reciprocated, but maybe you're like my boyfriend and I? Maybe your love IS being reciprocated, but like us, the messages just keep flying over your head?

Anyway, I think it's ok to want what you want. I think it's ok to hope that you'll find it one day. Maybe that's your boundary? That you want to be loved for who you are and have your emotions understood and reciprocated? I don't think that's so much to ask for.

I think it's a more realistic boundary on my part than I was previously aware. I think there's a lot more love to go around where I am than I can discern without some help to slow my brain down.

 

[cberg]

On a forum meant to support people who are stereotyped and maligned by the greater majority just because they don't understand, I think it behooves us to try not to do exactly that to others that we don't understand.

I'm trying to extend the same consideration to a rather quite unique female friend of mine, among others in real life as well.

 

[Pinkie B]

The link on her profile gives an error. Why does she say she's a feminist?

She took her blog down a few months ago because she became worried that her posts were causing harm to some groups of people. She didn't explain why but promised to put it back up once she could convince herself that she was making a positive contribution.

I don't know what her particular definition of feminism is, but I know that she believes firmly in the equality and dignity of all genders, which is what many people call feminism. Hopefully her quora account will provide the info that disappeared from her blog. It was a really good blog with lots of advice for good relationships in general.

 

[All-Rounder]

She seems sensitive enough to modify her creation based on feedback. I think she doesn't fully grasp the concept of some men honestly not wanting marriage because of it's downsides and lack of providing anything positive except benefits from state, despite having a great partner they're dedicated to.

 

[cberg]

I can't say I started my thread with feminism necessarily in mind Hopefully it does something to help people feel more equal, if I can get there anyone can. I'm quite weird.

 

[All-Rounder]

I can't say I started my thread with feminism necessarily in mind

We deviated from the topic quite massively xD

Do you currently have someone whom you described to love in that way, or is it just your desire and opinion?

 

[cberg]

Yeah, I got to see her today, though we're not together right now I would feel like a total idiot without her in my life at least sometimes. She's actually my roommate's sister & we've known each other ten years. She said she's up for some bike rides!

 

[All-Rounder]

Wow, long time to be friends. It's good to still live around each other. My boyfriend is distanced from his friends cause he had to move due to finances, it's very tough on him to be apart from them, he thought he'd lose his mind. He's hanging in as best he can.

What are the inadequacies you're talking about, in relation to her?

 

[cberg]

I suppose it's mostly that I'm a lot less social & also very shy on top of that. I mostly just feel like she represents the outgoing part of my personality, better than I can anyway. I think the message is getting across that I haven't given up though. I've been in a very stressful spot with my job so seeing her brings up a lot of high strung emotions, but that's much better than being stuck in my office on overtime. I'm told I should see new people all the time & be more dateable, I guess my inadequacy is that only the one person ever made me comfortable enough to open up.

Lucky for me we know each other at all.

 

[All-Rounder]

Sounds great. So no one really knows you, do they? That must feel lonely. I relate to that one, for my past self. Now I try to be fairly open, but there are things people would be giving me a hard time if they knew, in fact I've been thinking lately maybe it's better to not open up from the first time someone meets me. That way maybe I will manage not to startle them and possibly create tension.

 

[cberg]

Well it's not that she's the only one who knows me, more that I haven't gone out with anyone else & I trust her, I want us to trust each other equally. I think to some degree she's starting to understand why I've been around so long.

 

[All-Rounder]

That's sweet. I hope it will last til you grow old. Have lots of fun and enjoy yourselves.

I don't know if she might be starting to understand it as you actually liking her more than friends, but maybe she likes you too. Fairly hard to switch to romance with an old friend, but all for the better if she's considering it.

 

[cberg]

Emotionally someone who wishes to not love a single person could easily be misjudged and feared, or felt like theyre not being treated right and abused of their feelings and trust is pretty impossible there.

A high amount of the worst people get into such things and imagining it i feel id feel adversity when switching to touching another person romantically after i have touched someone else that way. That means theres something wrong with it. I don't easily believe in happiness in such states bc i know abused people cant tell if its wonderful or horrible, but a long term stable such a relationship would be a good one

I wish she understood how much she's helped me get past these consequences of a messed up childhood. Not too many other people can touch me without a negative reaction on my part. I know she's aware this is why I keep to myself. I'm wondering how to invite her on that bike ride this week.

 

[All-Rounder]

Keep doing/saying what you do, she has positive feelings about what you do, given shes been by you for so long.

Orr... you could say something like 'Would you be interested in a bike ride and a picnic under the [species] tree's refreshing shade/by the [describe area poetically after you've found a proper location] this afternoon, mein Fraulein.'

If you keep it theatrical/funny, she might giggle and reply similarly/flirty herself or just think you're joking and not get too startled about something serious

 

[cberg]

That's sweet. I hope it will last til you grow old. Have lots of fun and enjoy yourselves.

I don't know if she might be starting to understand it as you actually liking her more than friends, but maybe she likes you too. Fairly hard to switch to romance with an old friend, but all for the better if she's considering it.

I hope she realizes how much I care either way. I hope she can recognize that I find her worthwhile regardless of how difficult things get for me. I've been half-autistic my entire life, loving someone means a lot to me no matter the challenges.

 

[All-Rounder]

That's truly valuable in a relationship. Its good you have a strong trust foundation to build on after all these years. Thete are tons of issues when there is lack of trust that damage a relationship especially with someone on the spectrum, it can be hard to build.
Nice choice of words in the title, btw.

 

[cberg]

Keep doing/saying what you do, she has positive feelings about what you do, given shes been by you for so long.

Orr... you could say something like 'Would you be interested in a bike ride and a picnic under the [species] tree's refreshing shade/by the [describe area poetically after you've found a proper location] this afternoon, mein Fraulein.'

If you keep it theatrical/funny, she might giggle and reply similarly/flirty herself or just think you're joking and not get too startled about something serious

I would really have to reformulate this in many ways. I should send her something tomorrow, I suppose I'm not normally so fanciful but I'm at least wordy so I'll come up with something.