Did you ever have problems with relationships..

[Dagan]

I'm still having problems trying to get away from a narcissist that I was dating. She won't quit finding ways or made up reasons to text me or email me. It's been several months, now. It'll be weeks without hearing anything, and then a whole barrage of hate and gaslighting ends up in my inboxes. It's beyond annoying.

I've been finalizing one last message back to her in hopes to end it all. It currently reads:

"Either every single hateful and critical thing you've said about me is absolutely true, and the fact that you are still trying to get me back in your life means that you are really, really stupid.......or......it's all lies, gaslighting and guilt-trips, etc. because you are a textbook narcissist and can't relinquish or deal with not having the control over me that you once did. These are the only two conclusions that make sense and based on all of the facts. Whichever of the two or even a mix of both are the answer...I want nothing to do with you...ever again. Leave me alone."

At the same time, part of me is afraid to even reply at all because it is probably the same as giving her back some measure of control. Obviously, I have talked to my therapist about this, and I have been suggested the options and possible outcomes of them. It's draining and feels like I have weight on me that I can't get rid of.

 

[Sasha22]

No problem with commitment itself - when it's worth it it's worth it

 

[AspieChris]

@Xinyta , me also, l am not attracted to very much, and l get called all kinds of names, stuck-up, lesiban, and derogatory names. Because if l am not physically attracted, it's hard for me to fake it. I just tried 3 momths ago, and l failed horribly, l can't fake attraction.

I tried to fake attraction a few times. It always ended up with me getting really angry about something small, like leaving the toilet seat up, and nothing but fights over nothing.

I have also tried to fake intimacy. It only ever led to a big fight too.

 

[AspieChris]

I'm still having problems trying to get away from a narcissist that I was dating. She won't quit finding ways or made up reasons to text me or email me. It's been several months, now. It'll be weeks without hearing anything, and then a whole barrage of hate and gaslighting BS ends up in my inboxes. It's beyond annoying.

I've been finalizing one last message back to her in hopes to end it all. It currently reads:

"Either every single hateful and critical thing you've said about me is absolutely true, and the fact that you are still trying to get me back in your life means that you are really, really stupid.......or......it's all lies and bullsh*t, gaslighting and guilt-trips, etc. because you are a textbook narcissist and can't relinquish or deal with not having the control over me that you once did. These are the only two conclusions that make sense and based on all of the facts. Whichever of the two or even a mix of both are the answer...I want nothing to do with you...ever again. Leave me alone."

At the same time, part of me is afraid to even reply at all because it is probably the same as giving her back some measure of control. Obviously, I have talked to my therapist about this, and I have been suggested the options and possible outcomes of them. It's draining and feels like I have weight on me that I can't get rid of.

You’re absolutely correct. If they can’t get you to talk then they always turn to anger and blame, because it gets you talking. Even if what you’re saying is “Leave me alone”. And it gives them proof that they still know a way to make you spend some time thinking about them.

The ONLY winning move with a narcissist is 100% silence. Block phone numbers and e-mails. Eventually they usually give up. And it usually happens when they find a new person to cling onto.

(Unfortunately I have a LOT of experience with narcissistic people. My wife’s Ex was that way. He actually gave up the day we got married. Then he got married a couple of months later)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My Uncle always talks about how I should of already found love and done alot already at the age I'm at. I personally am of the belief that expectations like that are more damaging, than encouraging.

Not expectations, but call it indoctrination. My great aunt was a very early travel agent and I would sometimes visit her agency. Not only was I enthralled by the models of ships and planes travel agents had, but her tales of the Pan Am China Clipper and more planted the seed of travel in me. I have been fortunate to travel and work in places like Japan and Croatia. Diving the Galapagos or canoeing through the canyons of Lodore, Whirlpool, and Split Mountain, were experiences gained through training and practice.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I hope that you find your heart's desire for adventure. Have you tried involvement with interest or activity groups? When I was starting to learn to be social, I found that interest and participation counted for more than neurology. It was through Sierra Club outings that I met my spouse. She was hoping to meet a man she could do outdoor activities with and I was desiring the same in a woman. We hit it off in a big way.

I would love to but I am too unwell right now and have to wait until I get better. I am 37 and know my interests and passions.
I am struggling a lot with loneliness because of childhood trauma and having to cope with serious illness alone

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

We have issues with trust, @lovely_darlingprettybaby, but we can learn. I had to learn to recognize accepting people and have had people treat me generously. The users, I avoid. I have treated people with respect, but sometimes I was so concerned with disrespecting them that I was afraid to do much. My respect for girls/women was exaggerated like that and so I had felt ashamed to profess my interest in them. I feel regret that it kept me from connecting with some nice people. The boys/men I tended to avoid because I had been hurt by their cruel words to me, but now have some very accepting friends.

It takes time with my conditions. If I have friends they have to be very good and very patient and it is hard to know whether they will eventually get sick of it and let you down too .
I have met one friend so far, he has been very patient and a good support to me so far, it is early days. This is platonic.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I refuse to believe that. Cruelty and kindness are choices we make. There are cruel, selfish people and I have been hurt by them, sometimes severely. I know that economic choices I have made have likely resulted in some being treated cruelly and that makes me sad. But when I have good knowledge I try to avoid choices that result in human suffering. The trajectory of my career was done with the intention of being of service to others.

I think that as well, sometimes I think you should not blame the person but I think some people need a big wake up call
And cruelty does really hurt and obviously the people who are cruel do not realise it and go on being cruel when they have really damaged another person. Who sees that but those people often seem to get away with it and go on doing it without any remorse and always seem to have an excuse.
And good hearts get hurt and bleed the most

 

[AspieChris]

And cruelty does really hurt and obviously the people who are cruel do not realise it and go on being cruel when they have really damaged another person. Who sees that but those people often seem to get away with it and go on doing it without any remorse and always seem to have an excuse.

It’s the very definition of a sociopath (or psychopath), and there’s a lot more of those people out there than anyone realizes.

I’ve had to learn the hard way that if someone can do damage to another person, even if it was deserved, and feel nothing…. I’m staying away. And unfortunately, I’m staying away from the one who got hurt (unless it’s my spouse or child). I’ll give a quick bit of advice to the person who got hurt but that’s all I’m investing.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I would love to but I am too unwell right now and have to wait until I get better. I am 37 and know my interests and passions.
I am struggling a lot with loneliness because of childhood trauma and having to cope with serious illness alone

You have my sympathy, dear. This past year I have faced multiple surgeries and in the past two years I refused to be triggered by past social trauma and went through Cognitive Processing Therapy. In my recovery, physically, I was as active as practical and pushed through, so I recovered from heart and other surgery quickly. I have a tolerance for pain, so what worked for me may not be good for others.

I hope you will take care of yourself and nurse yourself to health. I'd love to hear you writing here that you are enjoying life's possibilities.

 

[All-Rounder]

I'm still having problems trying to get away from a narcissist that I was dating. She won't quit finding ways or made up reasons to text me or email me. It's been several months, now. It'll be weeks without hearing anything, and then a whole barrage of hate and gaslighting ends up in my inboxes. It's beyond annoying.

I've been finalizing one last message back to her in hopes to end it all. It currently reads:

"Either every single hateful and critical thing you've said about me is absolutely true, and the fact that you are still trying to get me back in your life means that you are really, really stupid.......or......it's all lies, gaslighting and guilt-trips, etc. because you are a textbook narcissist and can't relinquish or deal with not having the control over me that you once did. These are the only two conclusions that make sense and based on all of the facts. Whichever of the two or even a mix of both are the answer...I want nothing to do with you...ever again. Leave me alone."

At the same time, part of me is afraid to even reply at all because it is probably the same as giving her back some measure of control. Obviously, I have talked to my therapist about this, and I have been suggested the options and possible outcomes of them. It's draining and feels like I have weight on me that I can't get rid of.

I've been dealing with the same problem quite recently, the person tried to threaten to sue me for various things then just try to get me back. Like how would that work in any real life settings?

I had to change my number, email, and they followed me around websites pity partying and painting me black, crazy and shallow...

I feel your pain, keep with the silence and it'll eventually go away. If you've already made it short and clear once, then there is no reason to keep replying when they bait you to get angry and attack you for some reason. Me and everyone have told them tons of times it's over, and they sent their friends to act like I haven't and attempt to get me jealous.

All the while my feeling has been... dodged a big bullet.

They knew I have a new boyfriend and still continued for a long time, in hopes I wouldn't move on with my life.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

You have my sympathy, dear. This past year I have faced multiple surgeries and in the past two years I refused to be triggered by past social trauma and went through Cognitive Processing Therapy. In my recovery, physically, I was as active as practical and pushed through, so I recovered from heart and other surgery quickly. I have a tolerance for pain, so what worked for me may not be good for others.

I hope you will take care of yourself and nurse yourself to health. I'd love to hear you writing here that you are enjoying life's possibilities.

Thank you so much.
I have been through a lot of illness and pain that keeps getting worse.
I have a lot of intolerance for being abused and betrayed these days and do not think you should have to tolerate it and stay but thanks for the well wishes.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you so much.
I have been through a lot of illness and pain that keeps getting worse.
I have a lot of intolerance for being abused and betrayed these days and do not think you should have to tolerate it and stay but thanks for the well wishes.

I understand the challenges we have and have tried to be supportive here, sometimes bluntly, whether it is medical/physical, self concept issues, or struggling with engaging with relationships. I am a Big Brother to a 17 year old autistic boy, and struggling to engage him in things besides a monomaniacal obsession with his special interests that keeps him walled off from life. But he has started enjoying cycling with me and likes riding in my MR2. I accept him and do what I can to slowly expand his horizons.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I understand the challenges we have and have tried to be supportive here, sometimes bluntly, whether it is medical/physical, self concept issues, or struggling with engaging with relationships. I am a Big Brother to a 17 year old autistic boy, and struggling to engage him in things besides a monomaniacal obsession with his special interests that keeps him walled off from life. But he has started enjoying cycling with me and likes riding in my MR2. I accept him and do what I can to slowly expand his horizons.

That sounds good, I think also my niece is autistic too and wish I could support better but I am busy and broken with my own issues and cannot do it all anymore

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That sounds good, I think also my niece is autistic too and wish I could support better but I am busy and broken with my own issues and cannot do it all anymore

Concentrate on your wellness first so then you may have the strength for her.

 

[AspieChris]

That sounds good, I think also my niece is autistic too and wish I could support better but I am busy and broken with my own issues and cannot do it all anymore

I agree with Gerald Wilgus. It’s exactly like what they tell you on an airplane…. Put on your mask first. If you’re not taking care of yourself because you’re trying to help your niece, you might fail at both and there won’t be a ‘you’ to help her later.

 

[AprilR]

I never had a relationship and can't see myself having one any more. People are just too different from me and seem to live in another world

 

[AspieChris]

I really enjoyed having a fish tank. They couldn’t ever disagree with me

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

means that you are really, really stupid.......or......it's all lies, gaslighting and guilt-trips, etc. because you are a textbook narcissist and can't relinquish or deal with not having the control over me that you once did.

My temperment is not as harsh, so I think I would say; " . . . means that you are seeking validation of your worth from me despite your despising me. I find it sad that your self worth is not sufficient for your validation and I do not want to be involved with somebody as needy as you." That is less negative with the implied message that they must own their behavior.

 

[paloftoon]

As @Shamar says, l can't have relationships in the traditional sense of that definition, so l have relationships with people l really like that can't have relationships also, though l really became attracted to my last one. My long enduring relationship is one of long-lasting friendship, platonic, that's what they prefer. No judgments, we don't argue and it's a *relationship*. Once you free yourself from the confines of what a relationship may or may not be and just call the shots of what is successful for you, then relationships work out. I have been in platonic relationships before, and people can truly care but not want the other. Too many people label my relationships, now l realize they will never get me or the beautiful souls l care for.

I don't like people who label unless they are authentically trying to hang out with me outside of organized group and/or said event and if we both feel like human beings to each other. This is what really matters.

Someone's opinion only should matter if:
1. You and the other person are treated like reasonably equal human beings to each other.
2. Their opinion should not matter unless something you're doing is affecting their life.
If people aren't trying to be respectful to me within reason, if I don't have to work with them, I "run". If I do have to work with them, I keep it professional and then outside of that, I "run".