Do Aspie Men get bored of people and girlfriends?

[Progster]

How long can these zone outs, respites etc..last? My b/f has not responded to me for almost 3 weeks and we’re going away in a few weeks. I have kept things light but don’t know how to approach him now re: the holiday & am starting to get insecure & wonder if he’s ghosting me....

If you were supposed to be going on holiday together, and you have presumably planned it, booked rooms, paid for it, etc, then regardless whatever is going on, whether he is ill, in shutdown or ghosting you, he has an obligation to deal with this and respond to you regarding this issue. Who is organising this holiday? Though, if the holiday is still weeks away as you suggest, he might not feel the urgency to address the issue, and perhaps you should wait until the holiday is nearer.

I would not contact him just yet, wait until the holiday is closer and then write him an email or send a message in which you ask him directly about the holiday. Also, put a question in the title of email, so he can clearly see what it's about without opening it, and can't ignore it. Make it clear that the holiday concerns you and that you have a right to know. Write in a direct, but non-confrontational manner.

If he still doesn't respond, then you could contact his relatives to find out what's going on.

 

[Savvy]

Thanks so much for your input. I actually sent a Whatsapp message yesterday enquiring after his well being & mentioned the holiday & whether or not I am still welcome. He is going for 2 weeks and flying out with his mother & 2 boys, I will be joining them for a week while they are there. As of this writing he has been on Whatsapp (shows time he was last on) but chose to not read my message. I don’t have any way to contact his mum(she lives abroad) or his boys who are teens & live with their mum. He has no friends so I can’t get any info that way. As a last resort I was thinking of driving over to his place....I am genuinely stumped....Holiday is 3 weeks away....

 

[Progster]

Thanks so much for your input. I actually sent a Whatsapp message yesterday enquiring after his well being & mentioned the holiday & whether or not I am still welcome. He is going for 2 weeks and flying out with his mother & 2 boys, I will be joining them for a week while they are there. As of this writing he has been on Whatsapp (shows time he was last on) but chose to not read my message. I don’t have any way to contact his mum(she lives abroad) or his boys who are teens & live with their mum. He has no friends so I can’t get any info that way. As a last resort I was thinking of driving over to his place....I am genuinely stumped....Holiday is 3 weeks away....

I see, I get the full picture now. I'm not familiar with Whatsapp - when you send a message, does it have a title or is the first part of the message visible without needing to open the message? If so, try again and send another message with "Urgent, holiday, am I still welcome?" in the visible part that he can read without opening it. Don't start with "How are you?". Then, set a deadline for him to reply, until the end of the week perhaps but that's up to you, and if he doesn't, then you can assume that he is ghosting you and the holiday is off. In that case, you are better off cancelling your arrangements, trying to forget about it and moving on with your life.

 

[Starfire]

I agree with Progster. I’m not familiar with WhatsApp either but the title line needs to have an urgency.

Unless there is something you haven’t mentioned or you may not be aware of, I think he is treating you very poorly. It might be worth looking into the details for a refund now before it’s too late. You sadly may have to accept that this is his way of telling you he’s backing off for whatever reason, and for the sake of yourself you may have to forget him and move on with your life.

 

[Savvy]

Thanks for your input. Our last date didn’t end well as he was tired & snapped at me so I decided to go home & let him rest. We have spoken since then & both agreed apart from that night things had been really good between us. I had gathered from other posts & forums it’s not uncommon for Aspies to go silent, shutdown or have a depression & ignore their significant others in the process? We have been seeing each other for 2 and some years & he did go quiet on me once before over a year ago, ignored my messages but eventually said he felt I hadn’t been supportive enough. It’s a long story but he does get his feelings easily hurt, is extremely child like emotionally & struggles with putting feelings into words. We don’t live together but have discussed the future as we both want to end up in the sun when he retires in a few years. This will be our first holiday together (albeit with his mum & kids) just wondering if that may be a factor? Anyway, I feel strongly that I should go by his house to get closure or whatever, never done it in my life but feel I need to with him. PS My ticket is non refundable & non transferable....

 

[Starfire]

Thanks for your input. Our last date didn’t end well as he was tired & snapped at me so I decided to go home & let him rest. We have spoken since then & both agreed apart from that night things had been really good between us. I had gathered from other posts & forums it’s not uncommon for Aspies to go silent, shutdown or have a depression & ignore their significant others in the process? We have been seeing each other for 2 and some years & he did go quiet on me once before over a year ago, ignored my messages but eventually said he felt I hadn’t been supportive enough. It’s a long story but he does get his feelings easily hurt, is extremely child like emotionally & struggles with putting feelings into words. We don’t live together but have discussed the future as we both want to end up in the sun when he retires in a few years. This will be our first holiday together (albeit with his mum & kids) just wondering if that may be a factor? Anyway, I feel strongly that I should go by his house to get closure or whatever, never done it in my life but feel I need to with him. PS My ticket is non refundable & non transferable....

Oh I see, two and a half years is quite some time just to give up and walk away. You are right it’s not uncommon for some Aspies to shutdown and push away or ignore their partners for different reasons, I know I’ve done it on numerous occasions. I also know when I’m like that, it feels like I’m on the outside of everything looking in, while feeling trapped and claustrophobic. I want to come back, but I don’t know how to do it or make the first move. My wife fortunately is very good at handling me when I’m like this. She gives me time then helps me to ease back in.

I think you may be right that the holiday may be causing extreme anxiety, they are stressfully at the best of times every when things are going well.

I understand your need to go to his house, perhaps it will help to reassure him and talking it through will dissipate the stress and anxiety I don’t know, we are all different. Either way it’s not fair on you to be high and dry in limbo, not knowing what’s going on.

 

[Savvy]

May I ask when you’ve had shutdowns and/or pushed people away has it lasted for weeks at a time? Just curious as it’s almost 3 weeks since my b/f stopped communication....

 

[Starfire]

You may of course ask, for me if I was to put an average on it it would be 7 to 10 days depending on severity. Don’t forget though that my wife has become skilled and experienced in helping to deal with it so that time range may not be typical of everyone. If I was alone and lived alone it may well go on longer.

 

[Savvy]

Thank you for all your feedback, it’s very helpful...

 

[Savvy]

Update: well sadly he broke up with me. I went over to his place last night and he said the relationship is not working for him because I’m very self centred. Anyone who knows me would say that is the last thing I am. I was stunned, when I asked for an example he said on our last date he told me he was cold and I still wanted to sit outside, not true all I said was ‘actually it’s not that cold’ hoping to sway him....It was one of the recent Indian summer nights in UK.
When I asked about the holiday he actually said the words ‘I didn’t invite you, but I suppose I could reimburse you even tho I paid for everything when we were out’ I distinctly remembered him saying yes three times when I asked if he wanted me to join him on holiday & I insisted on paying for my ticket since he had paid for the villa. I’m so shocked & sad & can not understand where this is coming from. Worse I truly believe he fully intended to just leave me hanging had I not gone over there. So hurtful & disrespectful. I Reminded him we had both said how great things had been between us just a few weeks ago but it went over his head. Thankfully I’m seeing a therapist & he had warned me that my SO had major abandonment issues from all the women who left him (including Mum) so the fact I left that night has backfired on me I think where as I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him rest as he’d been snappy & irritable. Not sure this is an aspie thing, more his wounds I think....Any input welcome

 

[Starfire]

I’m sorry how things worked out for you, but due to how you were being treated it was perhaps becoming predictable.

In general Aspies tend to be seen as blunt and forthcoming yet painfully honest. His behaviour sounds like that more of a sulky child.

If he truly didn’t invite you or want you to go on holiday at any stage, why would he offer to reimburse you? That sounds more like the actions of a guilty conscience.

I get the impression he has for whatever reason flicked a switch in his head, and tried to switch you off. It is very disrespectful and unfair treatment towards you and in my opinion, it’s not general Aspie behaviour to leave someone hanging on. Aspies like things clear and unambiguous, black or white. It wouldn’t do for me not to know if it was on or off, if you were gone or could reappear at any moment, there are too many uncertainties and loose ends, it’s unsettling.

As regards attachments issues perhaps he makes them become self-fulfilling prophecy.
If he has issues around that and his mother if he has reached his 60s and not resolved it, he is unlikely ever to. It’s difficult and painful but you are not responsible for a grown up and mature man, if he treats you like this now, why will it be any different in the future?

It’s time to put your welfare first now, you’ve done what you can, perhaps think about moving forward and moving on?

 

[Savvy]

Thank you for your reply Starfire My therapist would agree with your description of ‘sulky child’ he described him as a 7 year old in short trousers. It really does seem as though he has flipped a switch & is shutting me out. Trying not to fall into the trap of looking for hidden reasons, just can’t believe it was all my (selfish) fault. Add to that his last 2 relationships apparently caused havoc and both ladies continually exploded at him on a regular basis maybe I’m too calm & healthy for him. Anyway, as you say time to take care myself.....onwards and upwards...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My therapist would agree with your description of ‘sulky child’ he described him as a 7 year old in short trousers

Your therapist sounds more like a 'friend'

But it's a great service diagnosing/ criticizing people who aren't there..

No doubt he's an expert in ASD...

That being said, you're best off out of it.
If you find another aspie the first sign of something good
Is someone who is working hard as hell to make things work for themselves with their relationships with others.
In a way it's like a selfish disease - we don't naturally fall into seeing another viewpoint as important.
Our natural tendency can be not to communicate 'socially'
If we initially can't see the point it's easy to just skip it.
This means we can become very detached from a normal way of seeing things.

The clue ismin someone who recognises the above,perhaps.

A lot of pain and work to crawl back up the individual rabbit holes we can end up in.

Good luck to you for the future.

Perhaps you'll be someone who sticks around for those other NTs in similar circumstances

 

[AO1501]

...My therapist would agree with your description of ‘sulky child’ he described him as a 7 year old in short trousers. .....

This seems like a remarkably dismissive attitude for a professional to express about a deep trauma experienced by someone unknown to him or her.

It really does seem as though he has flipped a switch & is shutting me out.

'Flipping a switch and shutting you out' is a common theme NT parters express when describing the failure of relationships with Aspie partners. It is the not untypical outward appearance of an Aspie deciding the relationship is done, and given that most of us are rational rather than emotional, it seems a very sensible way to do it to me, rather than wallow in self-pity and recriminations, struggle to relive the happy bits and find ways to blame the other for the bad.

Trying not to fall into the trap of looking for hidden reasons, just can’t believe it was all my (selfish) fault. Add to that his last 2 relationships apparently caused havoc and both ladies continually exploded at him on a regular basis maybe I’m too calm & healthy for him.

This seems more like you being the sulky child, being the 7 year old in short trousers, to me. But then I'm not a professional therapist, so that's an amateur diagnosis.

 

[eulimk]

I don't get bored, but I do get overwhelmed by people, even if they are close to me. There are times when I just need to be by myself. I know everyone does need time apart, but perhaps it's longer and more intense for Aspies? I don't know.

 

[Savvy]

A01501 my therapist based the comment on other behaviour, one time my b/f accused me of waking him up at 4am, in actual fact he woke me up as his arm was laying on my face & I couldn’t (gently) move it so I had to wake him. He basically sulked & ignored me for 3 weeks because of it....

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

A01501 my therapist based the comment on other behaviour, one time my b/f accused me of waking him up at 4am, in actual fact he woke me up as his arm was laying on my face & I couldn’t (gently) move it so I had to wake him. He basically sulked & ignored me for 3 weeks because of it....

Technically - pedant alert - you just admitted to waking him up.

Perhaps it wasn't an accusation just a literal repetition of a fact.

Sulking another matter, however.

One dynamic can be if it is highlighted that he has 'accused' you of something.

You did wake him up.

It's becoming lost down a literal rabbit hole.

A different use of communication for different reasons.

 

[Savvy]

Fair points but the fact is he gets his feelings very easily hurt which is childlike and creates havoc and dissention....

 

[AO1501]

A01501 my therapist based the comment on other behaviour, one time my b/f accused me of waking him up at 4am, in actual fact he woke me up as his arm was laying on my face & I couldn’t (gently) move it so I had to wake him. He basically sulked & ignored me for 3 weeks because of it....

I've worked with a fair number of therapists - though admittedly, not in terms of being in therapy with them - and I have not found many who would offer such a judgement on a description of behaviours from an interested party. As an amateur, I might observe that your BF seems emotionally deficient, but then if I knew he was an Aspie, I would also know that is par for the course - most are.

Most therapists I have know would be cautious about what could be taken as a destructive comment, rather than a supportive one. As Fridgemagnetman said, perhaps yours was being more friend than therapist in that instance.

Fair points but the fact is he gets his feelings very easily hurt which is childlike and creates havoc and dissention....

This is likely a fairly bad, albeit not intentional, misrepresentation. Feelings are not generally much part of an Aspie's landscape. They are there, certainly, but not often expressed in ways you'd necessarily recognise. There is a possibility therefore that as much as there was havoc and dissension, at least in part it could easily have been the result of misinterpreting his actions and reactions.

That isn't an accusation, by the way. It's a simple fact that relationships fail around perceptions rather than facts.

 

[SunnyDay16]

He sounds rather passive aggressive and immature. This may have a bit to do with his autism, but not entirely. I don't think you'll be able to have a satisfying relationship with him unless the communication issues are worked on, which means both of you will have to be willing to listen to each other and understand how you both feel.