@Savvy: I suspect that he may well be too damaged and wounded
for you. But I also suspect that your therapist is oversimplifying, and rather missing the point - that whatever else other couples may do, this person in your relationship didn't. Likely didn't for a good reason, even if an underlying one.
It's a moot point in any event, how any other couple might resolve a possible dispute, because you and your BF are not any other couple. It might have helped your therapist to ask
why your BF acted that way, rather than simply judge on the premise of what is or isn't normal.
That isn't to defend your BF or his behaviour, I'm pretty sure if he was minded to he could do that himself if he was aware you expected it of him. However, to give you one minor insight which applies to some degree to many Aspies - I'll couch this in terms of my experience, but it does extrapoloate.
I hate aircon systems with a passion. People think this is irrational because I'm always complaining about being too cold. What they are not generally aware of is that all day at work, and all evening at home, I am stuck in an almost constant flow of cold air. The room temperature may be relatively high, but wind chill from the air flow means it is uncomfortably cold to me. And when I say 'uncomfortably' it is not just because I prefer that not to be true, but because the flow of cold air on my skin is actually painful - physically painful. So because some person engineered environmental systems that work illogically to me, I have to live, for spring, summer and fall, in almost constant physical pain.
It is a not uncommon Aspie thing, because many of us have very narrow preferences for clothes that suit our skin and body sensitivities for weight and texture and fit, and in my case, for AC air flow too. When looking into this issue, you might generally see it described as an aversion, or dislike of touch, because that is the most common, but by no means single, way it presents itself.
So, it means that whilst nobody else would have reason to know it, I am very sensitive to temperature and air flow, and may appear unreasonably dogmatic when it comes to personal preference for where I am physically located in relation to sources of heat or cold and the movement of air, or wind.
And if my wife told her therapist that last night when she wanted me to sit on the couch with her in the family room at home where it was nice and cool, and instead I wanted to go upstairs where it was unreasonably warm, and was quite blunt about it, her therapist might voice an opinion that I was not being reasonable, and was acting like a spoilt brat, outwardly that might seem a valid judgement, but realistically, it would not be. Which incidentally is why therapists generally would stay out of making such judgements, because they are ignorant of the truth, just familiar with one side of described events.
Actually, my wife knows about this issue, though because she doesn't experience it herself, I can't reasonably expect her to be aware of how deeply it might impact me at any time. But she would not present this as an example of a problem between us to anyone else, because she understands it.
Again, that isn't to say that your BF's behaviour was acceptable, or more accurately, should be accepted, but I know that as reasonable as I think I am, I get very irritated by constant pain from AC systems which are badly designed, work inefficiently, and subject me to a wind chill I seem totally unable to escape for months every year. I think it possible I get quite belligerent at times if I feel I am being led to prolong the problem.
Overall, what you say about 'give and take', and your reaction to things your BF has said to you would tend me to think that there is a significant compatibility issue which
both of you need to work on in order to overcome. If you are not both ready to try, it is hard to see how any meaningful relationship could work into the future.
What does seem clear to me is that in the event you wanted to try, you really need to find a form of support that both you and he can participate in equally, rather than rely on your therapist for opinions and judgements, because all he is capable of doing is reinforcing the viewpoint you alone bring to him.
It's a tough position to be in, and I have every sympathy.
